Tuesdays used to be fun for the Pants, but that was when every Tuesday meant I got to go to Taurus! (Oh TAURUS DAYS!!!! How I do remember thee!!) If you are a dog reading this right now and you have access to a car or a Big Guy, then go to Tarus right now!!! It is the best place on earth!!!
But now, with things being tight in our house, I no longer get to go to Taurus. I don't even get to see Laura every day. (Big shout out to my human person Laura! I miss our talks!!) Instead I get to spend all day with Jessica. Oh. Joy.
Last night though, I curled up with Jess and the Big Guy and got to watch Stop-Loss, a movie about a soldier (played by short, little, tiny human person Ryan Philippe) who gets "stop-lossed" and has to go back to Iraq even though he's supposed to go home. Basically reader peep, if the government says you are stop-lossed, you are screwed big time. I think Iraq is like having to live in MM's attic except with more shooting. But it's hot and full of scary things and you're not sure why you're even up there.
Jessica and I had a coconut flirtini beforehand (sometimes she can be cool) and were very excited to check out the flick because:
(1) it was filmed here in my hood! Austin! What up 512???
(2) Philippe apparently was totally doing the makeouts with his co-star Abbie Cornish while he was filming, even though he was totally married to Reese Witherspoon who TOTALLY is like my female crush human person!! (that is human person-wise. dog-wise, you can't get more textbook "hollywood hot" than Lassie. you can close that case down right now! LOL!)
(3) Philippe left Reese and his kids to keep doing the makeouts with Abbie! Yikes!!!
So obviously there was a lot to see in this movie. So the Big Guy stars the movie and everybody in the movie is fired up to be in Texas in the movie!! I think Texas is pretty cool and all, but they all were kind of dumb about it. They kept yelling things like "Thank God I'm in Texas" and "I'm never leaving Texas cause it's so great" and "I'm really, really drunk in Texas!" Every time they yelled something silly about Texas, Jessica sighed, and the Big Guy ate another Mike & Ike. Suffice to say reader peeps, that many Mike & Ikes were eaten by the Big Guy this night!!
So the movie moves along and Philippe gets stop-lossed and he says "F the President!" to his C.O. Now, the Pants has never served in the military (though how cute would I look in a uniform?? SOOOOOO cute! Cuter than this little weiner, that much I can say!)
Anyway, the Pants knows you can't drop the bombs that start with F to your C.O. So Philippe gets put in the "stockade", which I think means that they were going to make him a horse or something. But Philippe does NOT want to be a horse, cause he just beats up two soliders and totally leaves! Whoah! Not bad for a guy who's like 5'4"! He must be like the Pants - low center of gravity and crafty.
With Philippe on the run, the military is not happy! It's like Philippe did a huge trash party and the military was the Big Guy!! Not good times!! But to solve things Philippe solider guy decides to try and drive to DC with the Abbie to talk to his Senator. This was stretching it even for the Pants, so I took a nap, and when I woke up little Philippe had a scar on his head and was deciding NOT to go to Canada and instead to go to Mexico. Ummm.....what? Now leaving the Reese Witherspoon started to make sense to the Pants!! If he's dumb enough to go to Mexico instead of Canada where they speak English, have universal health care, and have a cool maple leaf on their flag, well, the real life Philippe is dumb enough to leave the totally cutetastical Reese and their kids to go with the very, very plain and mannish Abbie. Words cannot describe the web of stupidity weaved by both on-screen and off-screen Philippe. But I will try...he is a total dumb ass. LOL!!
So in the end the Philippe goes back into the army and everyone is sad. The end.
I give the movie two paws (out of a possible four paws) because some of the fight scenes in the beginning were kind of scary. But Abbie's deep man-voice confused the Pants, and made the Pants sometimes think that this was some sort of transgendered movie. I give Ryan Philippe 2.5 paws for looking cute in the movie, 1 paw for his stupid, stupid movie plotline (going to see the senator) and then a negative 2 paws for leaving his kids and cute Reese to keep the makeouts going with this Abbie person.
Seriously, Reese and his kids:
Compared to this:
Mr. Philippe, you and your movie are both kind of dumb.
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