Reader Peeps...what a stressful few weeks for the Pants!!! Without further ado (because if there's one thing the Pants will NOT put up with, it is ADO!), here's what's been going on in the life of the Pants.
First of all, Grandpa Jim and Grandma Linda came to visit for Easter!! It was awesome! Nobody knows how to celebrate the rising of OUR LORD like Jessica's parents! (Also, the only person who likes to use ALL CAPS more than the Pants is GOD...I mean...he goes a little overboard in the bible sometimes - it's like 100 times a page for GOD's sake. Whatevs.) To prepare for the arrival (My grandparents, not OUR LORD. That would have been impressive), I went to my spa day at Groomingdales down the street. Holy crap they make the Pants look good.
Groomingdale's: Styling the heck out of the Pants since 2006.
However, Groomingdales is now in the Pant's doghouse and is totally on notice!!! See below:
This is a board you do NOT want to be on, b/c it is near impossible to get off. Regis has been on for YEARS! (he knows what he did)
First reason for its being on notice is that Groomingdale's has all these photos of allegedly "cute" dogs post-spa day to encourage people to bring their dogs in. Well, how can you have a group of cute dogs and NOT include the Pants!! I AM THE CUTEST!!!
-And not at all conceited - (posted by the Big Guy) Mmm, shut up Big Guy! get on your own blog!!! I mean, look at some of these dorks:
Warrant's retarded mascot.
Hey PETA! Groomingdale's is totally doing experiments on rats! LOL!
Half cat. Half tree. All ugly.
Actually, this is my homedog Putter. She is Fonzie cool! LYLAS Putter! (Note: I know that Putter tells some controversial jokes sometimes, but they are hysterical and she is totally NOT a racist like the half cat/half tree thing says!!)
Secondly, after giving me the best do ever...they ruined it by putting this in my hair.
"Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl..."
Thankfully, the Big Guy got it out of my hair before the fam arrived, and I quickly got to chilling with Grandma Linda!
Thanks for the talking card Grandma! It is freaking terrifying!
On Sunday, all the human persons went to Easter Mass, so I did my own Easter prayers, sepnt the rest of the morning watching the hood. I had volunteered for Easter duty so my fellow watchdogs could have easter egg hunts and engage in some good old fashioned Easter shenanigans.
Easter Hood Watch Motto: No crucifictions on MY watch!
While I selflessly devoted myself to the prevention of neighborhood crime, everyone else selfishly went to one of the yummiest restaurants in town - Fonda San Miguel! Not just that, they met up with the CAFFERTYS!!! Who are the Caffertys?? Since you must be living under a rock, I'll tell you - they are the only the most fun people to hang out with in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. (Next to Stephen Colbert of course - he SLAYS the Pants! Hey Stephen, I totally wear my wriststrong bracelet everywhere I go) But did I get to go hang with the Caffertys?? Nope. Did anybody think to bring me a doggie bag home? Negative. Typical Easter suckage from the Big Guy and Jess.
Fonda San Miguel: Denying joy and happiness to the Pants since...well...forever.
Once everyone got home, things definitely changed for the better! We all played Password, which is now the Pants' new favorite board game (barely edging out Hungry Hungry Hippos. Oh man, the Pants DOMINATES with the pink hippo!). The teams were Grandma Linda and the Big Guy vs. Jessica and Grandpa Jim. Obviously, the Big Guy and Grandma Linda dominated...to the point that Grandpa Jim banged his shoe on the table and DEMANDED that the Pants replace Jessica on his team. Blushing with pride, the Pants obliged.
Watch how it's done Jessica.
Come on Grandpa Jim! The Pants just gave you the best clue ever!! This is NO TIME for goofy faces!
Help.
Last weekend was Juniper-gate. I'm not in a happy enough place where I'm ready to blog about this yet. I am still coming to grips with the horrific fact that the Big Guy tried to replace me with a Fraggle dog (Both Jessica and the Big Guy thought she was "cute." The Pants thought she looked like a "Jim Henson experiment gone awry." Anyway, the wounds are simply too fresh. Maybe later this week I'll be ready to talk..but in the meantime I would like to thank all my reader peeps for their thoughts and prayers for the Pants in this difficult time. Especially to my H-town friends, you guys are the tops!
However, I am happy to talk about ANOTHER snub of the Pants, this time at the hands of my homegirl MM! Last night there was a wine tasting at MM's house!!! Oh how excited I was!! I spent the day getting ready - grooming myself, getting my exercise in so I would look all toned for Emmett (who can be my gentleman caller anytime! ;-)) and composing some humorous yet flattering poetry that I planned to read to honor MM in front of all her peeps!
Oh greenies in heaven it was going to be a night to end all nights!! So when the time to leave came, I ran to the door and waited expectantly for someone to put on my leash. I waited and waited...yet the leash never came. I was like...WTH is going on? Then in a move that shattered the Pants' heart, the Big Guy rubbed my belly and told me I was not invited. Cutest dog in the world say what? WHAT? NOT INVITED???? I sat in disbelief and utter shock as they shut the door and left me alone. NOT INVITED??? Listen, I have partied at MM's numerous times. To wit:
Kicking it with MM and Sugar at MM's now-legendary 2008 Christmas Extravaganza.
Spinning tunes in MM's attic during a summertime fiesta! (you can't see the turntables, but they are totally there!)
And now I was not invited???!!! First the Big Guy, and now et tu MM??? I fear that I'm already getting closer to Jessica, and I am NOT okay with that. It would be like Hurley getting screwed over by Jack and Sawyer, and having to get closer to Ben. UN-ACC-EPTABLE.
MM, I demand an explanation or else you shall remain on the on-notice board INDEFINITELY! You have 72 hours to respond.
The Pants and MM in happier times.
