Jessica - Here is a Raspberry for you!!!!

Okay, so, the air conditioner is fixed. But that has not solved what has become a major problem in the life of the Pants. Jessica is home - all day, every day. At first, I thought this was just going to be some kind of "temporary" thing, but it looks like it might be more permanent and thus, more dire for the Pants!!!

I don't know what I did to make Jesus mad at me!! I have one, fairly easy, job - to look cute, and I think I am very good at that!! (Unlike Jessica was at her job apparently)! But, he has inflicted me with her presence. She sits there, watching, judging, I have no privacy!! It is terrible friends!!! To illustrate just how bad it is, here is a list of 50 people, real and fictional, dead and alive, with whom the Pants would literally rather spend all day every day!! With the exception of the Big Guy, this list is in no particular order!

1. The Big Guy
2. Frito Guy
3. MM
4. Sunny
5. TIM
6. Kelli
7. A young Adolph Hitler
8. Sam Skaggs
9. Mozart (the dog)
10. Laura!
11. The Batman
12. The Joker (shudder!)
13. Grandpa
14. Uncle Brian
15. John Adams
16. Idi Amin
17. Luke Ford
18. Cloris Leachman
19. Tootie from the Facts of Life
20. Al Gore
21. Manbearpig
22. Jon and Kate plus their 8
31. Don Draper
32. Michael Vick
33. Paris Hilton
34. Hurricane Gustav
35. Tim Gunn
36. Michael Cera
37. John Edwards (both the cheating Senator and the guy who can help me "cross over")
39. Phil Connors from Groundhog Day
40. John Black
41. Agent Dale Cooper
42. Josiah Bartlett
43. Bro Person
44. Suede from Project Runway
45. Vanilla Ice
46. Downey Juniors
47. Attila the Hun
48. Dracula
49. Casey Affleck
50. Tobias Funke

As you can see, this mix of people includes some pretty horrible ones (Suede from Project Runway - yikes!)!! So, you get the idea of how bad it is here!! Can someone please give Jessica a job??? Or at least get her out of the house?? Or at least, get the Pants out of the house???

Hot Hot Heat

I am not talking about that crappy band either. Either Jessica or the Big Guy broke the A/C or did not pay the bill or something, because the last two days have been Congo-hot. I think yesterday at one point it was 400 degrees!! I don't know what they did, but Jessica and the Big Guy have to get this fixed. I have a lot of hair, and I'm dying. I've been under the bed for two days since it's cooler under there. The Big Guy checks on me and puts his arm under there, but Jessica can't fit because she's so fat!! More reasons the Big Guy should take me to Zihuatanejo instead! (Please Big Guy!!! It will be so fun! We can frolic in the ocean, and you can revel in my cuteness!!!)

Until they fix the A/C, the Pants is protesting by going for the guiness book of world records for the longest time a Pants can stand up straight. check me out below in hour #2 of my quest:



As much as I want to be a world record holder like my girl Shawn Johnson (What up Shawn? You should read my blog!!!) I hope they fix the A/C. If I fall down at some point I'm going to go leer at Jessica. Fridays are for leering. Have a good weekend reader peeps!!!

What a Month!

First - a movie about me is a big summer hit!!! The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2!! I didn't know there was a first one! You would think someone would tell me these things, especially if I am the subject/inspiration. From what I can gather, a bunch of sisters worship the Pants as I travel!!! I love travel!!! Those sisters must be crazy fun!!

And next, my human counterpart, Shawn Johnson, aka "The Human Clancy," wins a gold medal!!! I was totally waving my paws at the tv giving her the props!! She is almost as cute as me!! Good times!

To sleep, perchance to dream. . .

One of my favorite things to do is sleep!! I love the sleep!!! Sometimes I have good dreams, sometimes I have bad dreams, but I always have dreams!! I thought my reader peeps would like a little glimpse into my mind! So, here is what I'm thinking as I sleep!!!

"Taurus, Taurus, Taurus, Big Guy, Taurus, Big Guy, Frito Guy, Greenies, Greenies, Taurus, Squirrel, Chasing Squirrel . . .""MMMMM Squirrel chasing, Taurus, Taurus, Greenies, Greenies, Greenies, Big Guy, Big Guy, Trash parties, Big Guy, Trash parties, Taurus, Playing with the Big Guy. . .""Playing with the Big Guy, Hilarious Big Guy, Trash parties, Trash parties, Jessica, Jessica, oh no JESSICA!""Whew, no Jessica, it was just a dream that turned into a nightmare! Ok, back to sleep!""Big Guy, Taurus, Greenies . . ."

The Mozart

Friends, peeps and fellow countrymen (with the Olympics approaching the Pants is getting very patriotic! You're going down China!!), I ask you today to be brave. Do not be scared, though if you weigh 22 pounds like me (a very sleek 22 pounds mind you) it is hard not to be!! Readers, I present to you....the Mozart!



Mozart is a super big and super...ummm.."playful" french poodle who I think drinks a case of Red Bull every morning. He is like the Energizer Bunny on speed, crystal meth and mountain dew! He never stops!! Kind of like the Terminator in T2, except without the cool special effects.

Now, I do love the Mozart and I know the Mozart loves the Pants, but man, he just needs cool out like the Fonz sometimes. (Hey, if Jessica and the Big Guy can to see a bunch of has-beens like Cheap Trick in concert, I can totally make Fonzie references!! Nobody is cooler than the Fonz!!)

Whenever I get to come over to Laura's house, after riding in the land boat, I run inside to say what's up to my BFFs Tico and Coco (And Samantha if she's there, cause she is one cool human person!!) and before I can even say hey or give them a fist bump, here comes Mozart, at like 5 times my size, sliding across the floor at me at 100mph!!! It looks like this! (prepare yourself reader peeps, this is not for the faint of heart!)



Then the Mozart always begins licking the Pants with his 4 foot long toungue!! I know it is just his way of saying "what up Pants?", but it's super, super gross. I don't like baths, especially saliva baths!! Seriously grosstastical!!! I am not cool with that Mozart!

Spit bathing aside, we do have fun with the Mozart! Since he's still a puppy, he is not very worldly like Coco, Tico and myself (he has never even wore doggles on a boat! he has not lived I tell you!!!) so we like to stump him with current event type questions. Oh man, he gets sooooo confused!!! Like this weekend, Tico and I were having a passionate discussion about illegal immigration and its effect on the U.S. economy, when we asked Mozart if he thought Obama or McCain had the best plan. This was totally the look he gave us!!


We laughed and laughed!!! I mean look at that face!! LOL!!!

So all in all, Mozart is pretty cool - he's just young. However, I think he could eat me if he ever wanted to, so I hope he doesn't read this blog and get mad!!! You are the tops Mozart!!

On the subject of blogs, all dogs should have one! Being a dog is super stressful sometimes (you humans have no idea!), and I can always rely on my blog to vent and blow off steam. But some people think my blog is silly and stupid. Can you believe this reader peeps??!!! I am outraged! The injustice!! The discrimination!!! For instance this guy, who I will only refer to as "Captain Poopface", thinks my blog is silly and doesn't think that I write it myself:



Well Captain Poopface, I am working on an online degree from UTEP (the "Harvard of West Texas") and you can't get an online degree from UTEP if you can't read and write! Such misconceptions about the Pants!!! I may not have opposable thumbs, but if you cut me do I not bleed??!! (sigh) As long as there are Captain Poopface types out there, the Pants will continue to blog and continue to fight for truth, justice and the American way. At least I will whenever I'm not hiding from the Mozart.