Oscar Night...The Red Carpet!!!

Well take me to Petco and spank me senseless!!! What a weekend!!!  Reader Peeps, my deepest apologies for the delay in getting my Oscar posts up (yes, there is more than one - The Pants LOVES the Oscars!!), but oh what a night!! The star power!!! The brilliant performances!!! Miley Cyrus dressed like a stegosaurus!!

ROAR!

"Hi there, I'm the real Mr. Cyrus. Where's my seat?"

Jessica, the Big Guy and Grandpa Jim went to the Alamo Drafthouse to watch the Oscars, leaving the Pants alone to check it out by myself!  Normally I would have been annoyed, but I do enjoy watching award shows by myself so I can focus on the glamour and festivities!  So I mixed myself some flirtinis, dragged the bag of greenies over and hit "record" on the DVR in case something was so awesome the Pants needed to rewind and check it out again. (And by "something" I of course mean "Hugh Jackman!" Va-Va-Voom!!  Mr. Jackman, you can rub the Pants' belly ANYTIME. ;-))

Thusly prepared, I hit play to watch the stars come down the red carpet! The stars were so bright, the Pants needed to wear shades!!  LOL!! First up, Viola Davis from Doubt, a movie about nuns being mean and priests being naughty.  Did he or didn't he? I don't know!! So much DOUBT!!

"Did you know you can get nominated for an Oscar even if you're onscreen for less time than it took for this duo to get sent home on the Amazing Race? It's true!"

"This hill be tall"

"I know woman, I'm busy carryin' your dumb ass up it"

Another supporting actress who I love!!! Isla Fisher!!!  She was in Doubt and her character loved Frosty the Snowman!

"For the last time I am NOT Isla Fisher!! I'm AMY FREAKING ADAMS!! I'M UP FOR A FREAKING OSCAR!!! GET IT RIGHT!!! SON OF A..."

"My bad."  I loved you in "Definitely, Maybe" though.

Josh Brolin and Diane Lane!!! I always forget you guys are married!!!

"I still can't believe I didn't get nominated for Nights in Rodanthe!"

"I can."

Then it was on to Robert Downey Jr. I heart him!!  

"Don't touch me bitch."

Hey, it's sucky Zac Efron!  Star of sucky High School Musical!

Totally gay.

Oh look, it's Zac's beard....er...."girlfriend", Vanessa Hudgens

Sorry Vanessa, all the naked pictures in the world can't un-gay this one.

Danny Glover! Why in the world are you there? When is Lethal Weapon 5 coming out??

"How's it going? Who's this white woman? Where the hell am I?"

My main man Philip Seymour Hoffman! He was awesome in Doubt!! There is NOBODY on earth who can not give a crap like SeyHoff can - he's the best! Drop something funny on me SeyHoff!

"I may or may not have pooped myself."

Good one SeyHoff!! LYLAS!  Hey, it's Octo woman...er, Angelina Jolie. She was nominated for "Changeling" where she had her kid stolen.  It's funny because she now has so many kids that she probably wouldn't even notice if one was gone until her assistant brought her the Amber Alert.  (and then it's only 50/50. She's kind of weird.)  Hey Angie, don't you have a man to steal or something?

(sniff) (sniff) "Is it just me or do I smell an ethnic baby close by??"

Oh God. Mario Lopez.

Go. Away.

NOBODY is crazier than Mickey Rourke...sorry about your dog Mickey, word on the streets is he was a good dude.  How's Mickey doing tonight?

"Mmmmhmmmm....I sure do like to eat glasses and french fried potaters. Mmmmm."

But my guess the night is going to belong to Slumdog Millionaire!!  The Pants LOVED this movie!!! It's proof that even some human persons like poop as much as the Pants!!  So I was happy to see Dev Patel and Frieda Pinto roll down the carpet.

"Frieda, I love you and all, but I'm worried I'll never get that "India" smell off of you."

And finally the Slumdog kids!

"Could you explain again why we can't just poop on the street like we do back home?"

Now on to the awards....

The Google Game

Okay so I was checking out my main man B-Side's Blog, and thought this google game looked super fun to do! At first it sounded silly, but when I read B-Side's entry I was totally cracking up!! (and TOTALLY crushing on B-Side!)

The rules are simple: go to Google and type in quotation marks around your name and then "likes to" (Ex: "Big Guy likes to"). Type in the first things that come up and re-post in your own note.

My search results are in bold, with my comments below:

1. Sometimes Clancy likes to test his boundaries with the other animals in the house and with his foster mom.
(Other than calling me a dude, this is totally on the money!! I KNEW Jessica wasn't my real Mom!! The Big Guy and I can finally run away together!!!)

2. Clancy likes to chase balls that are bigger than he is.
(Ummm look, Clancy can be a girls' name too. I'm starting to get a complex here.)

3. Clancy likes to mimic in his writing the real-life shadowy nature of villians by not clearly identifying them.
(The Pants never reads critics of the blog, so I will ignore this. Plus, this criticism confused me, much like when the Big Guy and Jessica tell me to "stay out of the trash." Why would I do that when it's so fun to dive on in?)

4. Clancy likes to chill right under my desk and keep my feet warm.
(Is this you Big Guy? Do you have another website that I don't know about??!!)

5. In his spare time Clancy likes to race through the yard with his sister dog, Molly.
(Who the hell is Molly? More importantly, Jessica, did you and Grandma Linda give the Pants a dude's name?)

6. Clancy likes to chew ice that we put in her water bowl.
(I totally do!! And the Pants is a girl again! Yay!)

7. Clancy likes to garden.
(If by "garden" you mean "pee in the garden" then yep, you nailed it!)

8. Clancy likes to believe his clients are conscientious and good people.
(This is a commonly misunderstood belief about the Pants. I believe most human persons are good people, however most of my clients are real douchebags.)

9. Clancy likes to expound on entities in his books for the most part, but he doesn't always.
(So true! The Pants sometimes cannot expound on entities because I must be manning the couch on hood watch!)

10. Clancy likes to draw and right letters so that is easy too.
(Apparently I don't like to spell correctly so that is easy too)

11. Clancy likes to have his name slapped onto his products.
(I DO like to have my name on products!!! My top three choices: (1) Clancy's Sirloin Steaks...For Dogs!; (2) Clancy's Special Blend Peanut Butter; and of course (3) Jillian Michaels and the Pants: Dancing your Way to Slimmer Thighs)

12. Clancy likes to get started.
(Of course I do! Otherwise there would be no party! LOL. LYLAS Pink!)

13. Clancy likes to play the piano, early in the morning!!
(This is true. But since the Big Guy and Jessica are too poor to buy me a piano, I go out onto the couch and play from memory. Oh how I miss the tickle of the ivories on my paws!)

14. Clancy likes to whore out games.
(The Pants is a classy dame thank you very much)

15. Clancy likes to write, and write, and write.
(True and true and true)

16. Clancy likes to scheme.
(How else is the Pants ever going to get to experience the common joys in life like candy corn, taco shells and getting rid of Jessica?)

17. Clancy likes to put stereotypical liberal views into the mouths of traitors and jerks in his later books.
(Absolutely false! I put stereotypical RIGHT WING views into the mouths of traitors and jerks in my later books!! Was this you Hannity???  And what have you done with poor Alan Colmes??)

18. Clancy likes to impose on the handicapped.
("Hey you in the chair! Can you wheel me across the street??)

19. Clancy likes to garden.
(Apparently I need to work on my green thumb...oh wait, I don't have thumbs! Nevermind!!)

20. Clancy likes to live on the edge.
(Finally, someone who totally gets the Pants!)

Joaquin Phoenix

Now the Pants liked "Walk the Line" as much as the next dog, but what's up with Joaquin Phoenix these days?

Either he has gone crazy, or he is totally dropping an Andy Kaufman on us! (Yes I know who Andy Kaufman is!!!   The Pants LOVED "Man on the Moon!" LOL!!))  I'm going with crazy, just because that's more fun!! Yay!!

Oh Crap.

Hello loyal readers.  A forlorn Pants is writing this from underneath the bed in the guest bedroom.  The reasons for this are many and varied, consisting primarily of a total overreaction to a childish prank!  Or at least that's how I see it.  I'm still under the bed because the Big Guy and Jessica are not happy with me (Thank goodness for wireless! LOL!).  In fact, the Big Guy yelled at the Pants, spanked the Pants, and then Jessica gave me a seriously stern talking to as well!  To say the least sweet Reader Peeps, today has not been a good day.

Let me begin at the beginning.  Today started out awesome!!  The Big Guy and I cuddled in bed for a while, and then he got up and took me for a walk before he even ate any breakfast!

A top o' the morning to you too neighbor person!

We finished our walk and headed home to chill a bit while he did some chores, and then about 11:45 he jumped in the Prius and drove off to have lunch with Kerri and Natalie - two awesome peeps who he used to work with!!  The Pants knew the Big Guy would be back in an hour or two, so I thought I'd just lay down on the couch when I saw it...the Big Guy had left the trash bag on the floor.  TRASH PARTY HOLY CRAP!!!!

To explain, when the trash bag gets too full to fit in the trash can he puts it on the floor, and when he leaves he usually puts it on the counter....but NOT TODAY!!!  It was sitting on the kitchen floor, open and ready for the Pants to tear into it!!  My heart began racing and my vision blurred as I tried to decide what to do!!!  Should I be a "good dog" and ignore it?  It would make the Big Guy sooooo happy if I ignored the trash when I had the chance to wreck it.  On the other hand should I risk the wrath of the Big Guy, throw caution to the wind and engage in the most fun thing to do ever in the world!!! I quickly turned right and left to the angel and devil on my shoulder for guidance:

Hey Clancy! It's us, the Jonas Brothers!  We're known for good, clean living, promise rings, always washing behind our ears and churning out music that makes "Mmmmmbop" look like "Enter Sandman!"  You probably forgot our first names, but from left to right it's Poser, Shinypants, and Monchichi.  Anyhoo, you should definitely NOT throw a trash party!  Instead, go into the closet and throw together a terrible wardrobe - the ones above took us like 3 hours to put toether! By then the Big Guy will be home and you won't be in trouble.  Be like us and be cool Pants! 

Good points all Jonas Brothers! Then I heard from my devil side:

Screw those Dork Brothers Pants.  Crack open some Boones, rip open the trash and trash party your tits off!!!  The Big Guy will understand.  And if not, screw him because your name is CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCLANCYPANTS!!! (Bawitdaba!!!)

Done and done Mr. Rock!  So like my man out of Detroit Rock City said, I dove in and threw a SERIOUS TRASH PARTY.  What separated this TP from all the others was the shocking discovery of nearly a whole bag of uneaten Jelly Belly Candy Corn.  They threw the deliciousness away because the Big Guy insanely said that it was "ass flavored", but not to the Pants! Candy Corn, meet Clancy Dolan!!  Remembering how Jessica uncovered my hiding places in the past, I smartly took the bag and hid it under the pillows on the guest bed.  But that was not all, oh no!  I then took half the candy out of the bag and brought it into the Big Guy and Jessica's room and hid it in THEIR pillows! TWO hiding places...ingenious!!!  

Once the booty had been buried, I got to work and devoured me some candy corn!! Mmmm mmmm delicious!!  After I had filled my tummy up with vanilla goodness, I waited at the window for the Big Guy to return home.  Once he did, I got into trouble and totally pretended to be sad (Kid Rock, you would have been proud!), but after 15 minutes we were friends again. MUCH more importantly, he did NOT find the candy corn I had so expertly hidden! 

A few hours later my stomach was not feeling well, but the Big Guy wanted to take me for a walk and I had to pretend everything was a-ok so as not to arouse suspicion.  Halfway down the block though, I totally felt the corn coming up....and I puked in the street!!  Right in front of all my neighborhood watch friends - oh the embarassment!  And then twenty feet later, I did it AGAIN.  The horror!!! I lowered my head in shame as we trudged back to the house.

With his suspicions raised from the Vomit March, the Big Guy did his best Lewis and Clark as he went exploring the house and quickly found what I had done in their bed.  Not only did I hide the candy corn in the sheets, but I may or may not have puked a few times in the bed first (hint: I totally did!).

Foiled!

The Pants is seriously ashamed I can't hold my candy corn liked I used to.

So after the vomit discovery the Big Guy yelled at me.  A lot.  It was NOT good times. But I proceeded to hide under the bed for half an hour and all was right with the world.   Well, it was until Jessica got home and told the Big Guy to look in the guest bed for more candy.  Dammit.

I don't see any candy Big Guy! What are you talking about??

Oh, THAT candy!  I think Jessica put it there??

So needless to say it was another half-hour under the bed for the Pants AND all the candy was thereby removed from the premises.  Oh well, at least me and the Big Guy are friends again, right?

Or not.

My World is Upside Down!

Reader Peeps, the Pants' mind is still reeling from the events of last night!!!  Check this out!!  Last night Jessica totally did something awesome (on purpose!!) for an early Valentine's Day and cooked one of the Big Guy's favorite meals - Grandma Marilyn's meatloaf!!  Drawing on her past history, I figured she would totally screw it up...so I sat in the kitchen while she cooked to both (a) hope she dropped some food on the floor (she did!) and (b) taunt her (I did!). However, I've got to be honest with you, Jessica overcame the nearly insurmountable odds stacked against her and made some ridiculously kick-ass meatloaf! How do I know? Because she gave me some at dinner...and the Big Guy gave me some mashed potatoes!!! The Pants LOVES early Valentine's Day!!  Jessica - kudos to you! For serious!!!

The reason Jessica did Valentine's Day a week early is because next Sunday, the Big Guy is running a freaking marathon, and Jessica is running a freaking half-marathon.  The Pants thinks they are both insane.  Yesterday they ran 17 miles and 11 miles each, and bitched about it all night long. (I'm not ripping on them, I would totally bitch too!) The Pants is confused why anyone would choose to run for 4 hours when instead you could stay at home and pet this instead:

RUB MY BELLY!!

Also, if you remember, this was the Pants after the Texas Dog Walk last year which was only 3 miles long:

Texas Dog Walk: 1, Pants: 0

Also, running marathons is making the Big Guy's toenails fall off!! GROSS!!!  

Anyway, I just wanted to say that last night was awesome and Jessica can sure cook some meatloaf (but don't worry Big Guy, I only have eyes for you! ;-)).  Alright, it's time to go watch the hood Reader Peeps! The Pants is out!!

On patrol, Pants' style.

Tim Friend and Gewinner

Dear The Pants,

Good Work on your Super Bowl prediction.  I almost predicted the score too.  My prediction was Steelers-27  Cardinals-24.  The only thing I won was a stupid calendar from a vendor and "the awe and admiration" of my coworkers.  Maybe I'll buy a lottery ticket!

Your Friend,

Tim

Tim Friend!!!   Congratulations on nearly picking the exact score - the Pants thinks that you are a prognosticating genius!  Is there no limit to your talents and wily ways???

WTF is "awe and admiration?"  What a stupid present!  A calendar (unless it's a calendar of pictures of the Pants! LOL!) sucks too.  Don't your coworkers know that money makes the world go round? I think you march into work on Friday and demand cold hard cash.  If you can, get it paid in Euros and not Dollars (I don't know if you watch the news, but the Big Guy says that the U.S. economy "is a piece of crap."  Oh Big Guy! You slay me!).  

Also, I am NOT HAPPY about not being invited to the Super Bowl party.  At first I was, but then I was watching the game at home and learned that they were going to show 3 commercials in 3-D!! Holy dog shows!!! The Pants LOVES 3-D!!  Except I didn't have any of the 3-D glasses at home!!   But once the Big Guy and Jessica got home, I found out that EVERYONE at the party got them.  So instead of seeing amazing 3-D commercials, I instead saw blurry, poopy commercials that were like 1.5-D. Great.

Gewinner, NOBODY is allergic to the Pants! I have special fur that nobody sneezes at...it's not like I'm a retarded cat or something. I quickly called up my friend Stephen Colbert and had him update his on-notice board.  Suck on this!

-

So Tim friend, take solace (even a "quantum" of solace if you want to...LOL!) in the fact that you at least got to see cool stuff in 3-D.  Sometimes being a dog is not all it's cracked up to be.

GEWINNER, YOU ARE ON NOTICE!!!

Super Bowl!

It's SUPER BOWL day!!! And you know what that means...Jessica and the Big Guy are going to a Super Bowl party and the Pants can't come.  Dammit!  However, it's not because Gewinner doesn't love the Pants, she's just allergic to dogs.  That sucks Gewinner - dogs are fun!  You need to work on your allergies - I recommend Zyrtec. 

On to the Super Bowl. The Cardinals are a baseball team...why are people picking them to win a FOOTBALL game?  Plus the Steelers are from Pittsburgh or, as I like to call it, TOUGHBURG!

Prediction: Steelers 27, Cardinals 20.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take a nap.