Good Luck Shout Out to the Cafferty!

One more shout out today peeps!!  My most favoritist human, Cafferty, is running the New York City Marathon this Sunday!!!  Way to go!!  The Pants had to be carried through the Mighty Texas Dog Walk!  But, I know you will kick ass!!  Run, Jen, Run!!  Above is a pic of Cafferty and the Big Guy after they completed the Chicago Marathon!!  Notice, no Jessica, she is too lazy to run a marathon!!  Jen and the Big Guy rule!

Happy Birthday Tim Friend!!!

Hey everyone!! It's loyal reader and Pants defender Tim's birthday!  So let's all give him a shout out!!  He deserves it, mainly because he is so old!  Just kidding, he is hilarious!  This still kills me!

DANGER!!  LOL Tim!!  Happy Birthday!  Love, Pants

WATCHIN' WITH THE PANTS - Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

My sweet reader peeps!! As you know, when Jessica and the Big Guy watch a "film," (I use the term very loosely in this particular case), I am either obliged to watch along, or to sigh loudly, turn my back on them both to show my obvious displeasure, and then hide under the bed. Well, this past Monday I had hid under the bed most of the day because Jessica was home (which is reason enough! LOL!), and she was vacuuming!! Oh the horror!! So, when they broke out the newest Indiana Jones movie, the Pants decided to come out from under the bed, watch along with them and take notes. I thought it would be intensely awesome to post a minute by minute review of what the Pants was thinking throughout this alleged "film."

Before I get started, let me just say that the Pants would have been better off eating the rat poison that is in the garage (yes, we have a frekaing RAT in our garage!! I blame Jessica.) and choking on sweet, sweet death than having watched this grabage dump of a movie. I used to like the Indiana Jones!! Harrison Ford is way cool!! The movies were campy, yet fun!! So, they were a little far fetched, but the Pants was totally engaged in the storytelling and Indy's witty remarks!!! Remember in Raiders of the Lost Ark when he totally shot that sword guy?? Go Indy!!! Suffice it to say that this installation in the series did NOT meet expectations!! George Lucas should NOT be allowed to tamper with any more classic film series! For that matter, he should not be allowed out of his house for 2 years. He is a cheese-monster, and he may be replacing Jessica as the person the Pants dislikes the most. Bold statements from the Pants!!

Anyway, without further delay, here is the first installment of "Watchin' with the Pants": (note reader peeps. Please put your sarcasm shorts on for this one)



00:00 Heads up cheesy CGI prairie dog! Two seconds in, and the Pants is hating the George Lucas already!! Who needs prairie dogs??!! This is INDY! We don't need to "cute up" the movie!! The Pants does that already by watching it!! LOL!!

00:00 Lucasfilm Ltd? Oh crap. Well, that explains the lame prairie dog.

00:01 OMG there is a car full of crazy teens daring some army guys to drag race! Crazy!! OMG - the army guy totally starts drag racing and gets a frowny face from his supervisor! Crazy antics!

00:02 The army guys arrive at an army base that is closed for weapons testing.

00:03 Holy crap!! The army guys in the cars are not American army guys and they totally shoot the Colonel in charge and take over the base! Though the Pants is amazed that the army guys don't bleed at all after being shot 100 times. Nice CGI George!

00:04 Fat Man in a Little Trunk!

00:05 INDY!!! He's in another car trunk, but his hat is perfect! (I'm sure that the hat won't be overused at all in this movie - George is very, very subtle.)

THE START OF THE SUCK

00:05 The fake army peeps are RUSSIANS! EVIL! (I like the Nazis better. Nobody can goose step their way into my heart like a Nazi! LOL).

00:05 Cate Blanchett is an evil Russian? Yay!! Love her!! Ring me up Cate! We'll chat, drink flirtinis and talk about how silly Elizabeth was!

00:06 Indy uses his spidey sense to deduce that Cate Blanchett is from the Ukraine! What a genius!

00:07 Apparently, they are at Area 51 and Cate wants Indy to find some box for her. (Not HER box like the Big Guy said. Oh pervy Big Guy!) Also, Cate likes fencing and Indy needs a compass! Silly Russians - they have no compass! Moral or otherwise! LOL me!

00:09 Indy asks for gunpowder instead of a compass because apparently, gunpowder floats through the air like a swarm of gnats towards magnetized boxes. Ummmm....okay. Apparently the Pants must not only suspend her disbelief but also the Pants' belief in gravity and basic physics.

00:10 Now shotgun shells fall onto the floor and THEN go towards the mysterious box. How come gravity works on shotgun shells but not gunpowder? Newton would be pissed!!

"GRAVITY STILL WORKED IN 1957 YOU ASSFACES!!!"

00:11 They find the magnetic box and it attracts all of the magnetic material they have!! (Pants doesn't understand why it didn't do this immediately, but such is the way with magical magnetic boxes.) It even attracts Cate's fencing sword! LOL!

00:11 What could be in the box?? (Please be the face melting thing from Raiders of the Lost Ark!! That thing was freaking awesome!)

00:12 They open the box and there is some kind of mummy thing inside. (The Big Guy thought it looked like a ninja. Methinks the Big Guy is already disgusted with the movie.) Cate admires its hands, Indy uses his whip to get a gun, the fat guy from the trunk (his name is Mac) is actually not Indy's friend! He is helping the Russians! Et tu Fat Guy?! Poor Indy!! Too trusting! He's like Audrina hoping that Justin Bobby will treat her right! He's never going to put you first Audrina! You idiot!!

00:14 LOL!!! Indy shoots a Russian in the foot and escapes in a melee of hijinks!!! Yay Indy hijinks!

00:16 OMG! Indy's hijinks start some kind of countdown which launches a rocket that Indy escapes on!! When it stops there is a PRAIRIE DOG! Hey Georgie, where's Jar Jar? How about some gay Ewoks while you're at it?

00:17 So apparently Area 51's big secret was a missle thing that shoots off very fast and goes for like 2 miles. What technology!! No wonder they had to keep it so reclusive and hidden.

00:19 Indy, alone in the desert, finds a town and goes into one of the houses. But, it's a house full of mannequins. Creepy! The Pants hates mannequins. Pants thinks they might come alive at any moment. They must be closely watched at all time! Much like squirrels!! Mannequins have no expressions and don't understand logic - they are like the attendees at a Republican national convention!

00:20 Pants was right!! Indy touches a mannequin and sets off some kind of nuclear countdown!!! This is a crazy desert...so many countdowns!! Pants has a hard enough time counting up! The Pants also likes the Counting Crows. I like to put on "Mr. Jones" and just rock out!

00:21 Indy hides in a fridge as the town is nuked! The fridge is thrown into the desert! Indy is fine and sees . . . wait for it. . . PRAIRIE DOGS! Screw you George Lucas!! (Why were none of the other fridges safe from the nuclear testing? How can Indy be like a mile away from the blast and not die from radiation? The Pants apparently should cease asking logical questions.)

00:21 This movie sucks shit.

00:22 American FBI guys give Indy a very weird, uncomfortable bath, then question him, denigrate his life's work and call him a traitor!! That is NOT cool FBI! That's my homeboy Indy you're talking to!

00:23 Thirty seconds later, Indy is no longer under questioning and is immediately given access to highly classified documents. Obviously, this is a logical chain of events. The Pants is now going to bang her head into the wall.

00:24 Cate Blanchett works for Stalin as a psychic scientist! I wonder if he lets her call him "Joey Hot Pants"?

"Check out my hot pants Russian chicks!"

00:25 Jim Broadbent is the Dean at Indy's college!! Pants also loves Jim Broadbent!! Apparently Cate Blanchett, Jim Broadbent and Indy needed some paychecks. The FBI aggressively searched Indy's office and the Dean resigned because of the injustice! Go Dean!! Indy must now take an "indefinite leave of absence." Hey! Both Jessica and the Big Guy have got "indefinite leaves of absences" too! Poor Indy!!

00:26 Indy: "I'll wire you when I get there." Ummm...you'll "wire" him? How about calling him on a phone? It's 1957, not 1857!

00:27 Dad and Marcus are dead. Indy keeps their pictures on his desk. He is lonely. Oh hello there cute picture of Sean Connery!! You were awesome as Indy's dad and even better on SNL!! "The rapists!" LOL!! Thank goodness you had the sense to be dead for this crappy flick.

"I'll take 'Famous Titties' for $400 Alex" LOL!

00:28 Indy gets on a train to go somewhere. Shia LaBoeuf shows up on a hog and Jessica, the Big Guy and the Pants are laughing hysterically! What a loser!! He thinks he is Marlon Brando in the Wild One. That was a pretty good movie. Maybe the Pants can go in the other room and watch that instead.

MARLON BRANDO: THE LAME VERSION

00:29 Boof's character is named "Mutt." Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the crappiest movie ever!

00:31 Boof and Indy have a REALLY boring conversation. The Pants is looking at the extras to keep the Pants awake. Boof is a "greaser". His mom is in trouble. The Pants does not care. He is also sarcastic!! He has letters that the KGB wants!

00:33 Two KGB guys assault them and Shia and Indy start a serious fifties-style brawl!! Indy says that Boof brought a knife to a gun fight! LOL Indy! If you had also said he brought a lack of acting talent too that would have been SO dead on!

00:33 The Greasers and Socs are fighting! Where is C. Thomas Howell?? This is more like C. Thomas Suck.

HEY PONYBOY!!

00:34 They escape via many too-tedious-to-describe hijinks. At least there were no prairie dogs involved. Though that doesn't mean Lucas didn't try to put some in.

"ISA LIKE CAR CHASES!!"

00:36 Remember that super exciting car chase in the Bourne Supremacy?? Well, this chase is nothing like that whatsoever.

00:37 Ok, the Pants drifted off for a minute and completely lost track of what is going on. Apparently some conquistator got lost looking for a skull. But Indy immediately figures out that it is in Latin America! Go Go Gadget Brain! Some guy named Ox wrote a riddle in a dead language, but of course, Indy solves it immediately! It says the skull is in Peru!

00:38 Indy and Boof head to Peru by flying over a fake map!

00:38 Boof brings his bike on the plane! What a greaser! Pants wonders if "greaser" is another term for giant nerd.

00:30 Indy and Boof walk by like 5 nuns, but Indy only says "Sister" to one of them, which must make the other 4 super jealous because all the Peruvian nuns are TOTALLY crushing on Indy!!

00:40 Strolling through Peru, Indy gives Boof some fatherly advice. Foreshadowing perhaps??? (Seriously, it is a question, the Pants does not know what foreshadowing means.)

00:41 Oh, the KGB blend so well in Peru! Masters of disguise!

00:42 Apparently Ox was in a jail guarded by nuns (SCARY)! Ox has a lovely cell that he decorated with lots of art. Too bad some men with guns took him away before he could finish decorating it with pictures of lovely skulls and jibberish!

00:43 Boof cries. Not very "greaser-y" of him. It's okay Boof, at least you weren't in both the crappiest Indy movie of all time and also a crappy remake of "Rear Window!" Oh...wait....

REAR WINDOW: THE SUPER DOUCHEY VERSION!

00:44 Boof sweeps. I smell Oscar!! Such versatility from the Boof!

SWEEP THAT FLOOR BITCH!!

00:44 Ok, so Ox is someone named Harold Oxley and he found the conquistador's grave! Good for you Harold! Now Indy and Boof are going to go to the grave for some reason.

INDY AND THE BOOF!

00:45 Boof falls down. Suck it Boof!!

00:45 Monkeys!! The new Prairie Dog!

00:47 Ahhhhh!!!! Scorpions!!! They freak the Pants out!!

00:48 OMG! Boof can't believe they found skulls in the graveyard place!! He also can't believe electricity doesn't leak out of the walls. Boof is a moron. However, the Pants is not surprised. Snore. I wonder if I'm cute enough will the Big Guy will give me a greenie? Or perhaps a tranquilizer to allow me to sleep through at least an hour more of this garbage?

00:49 Boof really shouldn't speak. I wonder if that would make this movie any better? Shut up Boof! The Boof! It's fun to say!

00:50 OMG!! Booby traps in the creepy old burial place!! Quelle surpriese! (A little French thrown in for you Boof!) Indy tells Boof not to touch anything. Wise Indy. Wise.

00:50 "You don't have a knife do you?" LOL Indy!! This movie may suck but you are still my little adventurer!

00:51 They find the conquistador mummy. Boof does some fancy knife flipping while the Pants contemplates suicide. Pants wonders how much studying under knife-masters Boof did to prepare for this role.

00:52 Someone has already been there but did not take any gold or artifacts. WTF! Wait, there are more magnets!! Indy says "Unbelievable!" Pants agrees, but not for the same reason. Indy finds the crystal skull! The Pants still does not care!

00:54 Wait a minute says Indy, gold and crystal are not magnetic??? (BTW - if Indy hadn't found a crystal skull before, how did he know what was in the box that Cate wanted at Area 51? Oops, logical question alert! Bad Pants!)

00:55 Ox returned the skull, but why? "Who cares" says Pants!! I want some greenies and a belly rub! Time to do "the Cafferty" to the Big Guy!!!

00:56 Good belly rub Big Guy!! Keep going!! Oh - there is more fake map flying and a Commie dance party!! Ain't NO party like a Commie dance party!! CCCP in the mother flipping house yo!

CHECK OUT THIS SERIOUS BAD ASS COMMIE DANCE PARTY!!! CRANK THAT ABBA YO!!! LOL!!!

00:57 Mac calls them "con-quess-ti-doors"! Oh Mac!! Your pronunciantion skills are equaled only by your ability to manage your weight and your lack of horniness for gold!

00:58 Creepy Cate Blanchett! Don't touch Indy's knees!! He's like 80 years old!! Leave Grandpa Indy alone!! You could give him a 4 hour erection if you're not careful!

"VIAGRA: GETTING GRANDPAS AND INDY JONES OFF SINCE 1998!"

00:58 Cate Blanchett says the Commies are making a mind weapon and the skull is made by aliens. And yes, that is all the explanation given. It is truly shocking that they lost the Cold War.

01:00 Apparently there is a city of aliens called Agator or something. (Agator Spartacus! LOL Hank Azaria!) Ox is with the Commies doing a crazy dance. Oh no, Ox is played by Sir Ian McKellan! Cha-ching! Really, are these people that hard up for cash?! The Pants has no cash, but at least she has her dignity!

01:00 "Control of the greatest power in the universe." What? of the Big Guy's farts? LOL!!!

01:01 The skull's crystal opens a psychic channel (though Time Warner probably wouldn't carry it), and Cate wants Indy to look into its eyes. He does and he is hypnotized by the skull! Words cannot do justice to the stupidity of this scene.

01:03 All the Commies are happy because they are going to use the skull to turn everyone into Commies! Great Plan! I think that's what Sarah Palin thinks Barack Obama is going to do to all of us in America! Whatever. Where is the Boof??!!

01:04 The Boof!!! Boof is sad and misses his bike. Oh those greasers!! So tough!

01:05 OMG! Marion!  Run Marion!!! Get off the set if you know what's good for you!!

01:06 Witty arguing between Marion and Indy! Such sexual tension!

01:06 Oh no! Didn't Ian McKlellan watch "Tropic Thunder?" You can't go full retard!!!

THE LAMENTABLE RESULTS OF GOING FULL RETARD

01:07 Indy agrees to help the Commies so they don't kill Marion. Blanchett is an idiot because she didn't figure out that crazy Ox needed a pen and paper to write. Stupid Commies. Boof knows Ox. Ox doesn't seem to give a crap. Or maybe he is taking a crap. The Pants stopped caring an hour ago.

01:07 It looks like Ox drew a picture from the Atari game Pitfall.

The Big Guy says this game was hard. Maybe. The Pants just thinks this game looks dumb.

01:08 OMG!!! Indy solves another riddle in like 2 seconds! Boof all of a sudden starts punching Russians and setting things on fire. He's like Mike Tyson crossed with Beavis!! They all run through the jungle and land in a dry sand pit.

01:10 Indy and Marion are sinking (Dear Lord,please let them sink and let this be over). But, they still have time to argue!! LOL!! Witty sexual banter tension in the face of death!!! How do they come up with this genius dialogue?? OMG Mutt is Indy's son!! Poor Indy, stuck with Mutt now. I'd just keep sinking if it was the Pants. Now Indy wants him to go back to school. Boof comes back to the save the day with...a 20 foot long snake. Not a branch, but apparently an anaconda. Of course he does.

01:11 Indy is still afraid of snakes!! They laugh and laugh! Why did the Big Guy just take that whole jar of pills and get some razor blades? He must be tense and wants to shave.

01:12 Surprise, Ox went to get help and brought back the Russians! Yay Ox!

01:12 And thus ends potentially the stupidest scene of all time.

01:13 Revelation time - Indy left Marion a week before they were supposed to get married!! Indy did just what I told the Big Guy to do!! Oh Big Guy, you are such a sucker! The sexual tension banter is even annoying the Russians who gag Marion!! Thank you Russians!! Go Comrades!

01:14 OMG! Indy and Boof kick Russians the same exact way!! Genetics!!

01:15 Indy kicks the Russians out of the truck! Witty sexual tension banter ensues about why Ox stayed friends with Marion and not Indy. Doesn't seem like too big a loss to Indy, mainly because Ox seems to suck balls.

01:15 A missle launcher! A blade that defies gravity! Really crappy CGI! This movie really does have it all!

01:16 Cate catches the skull. Ox says "Henry Jones, Jr." Yes, Ox, that's right. Good job Simple Jack!

01:16 The Pants didn't think jungles had this many roads in them! Seriously, it's like I-35 in there right now!

01:17 Hijinks ensue while escaping from the Russians!! Boof and Cate fence and throw the skull back and forth between trucks!! Boof gets hit in the penis!! LOL! Mac tells Indy he is a double agent. Indy is apparently good at solving riddles, but not at reading people. Or at getting out of bad movie deals.

01:19 This movie officially makes "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" look like "The Godfather."

01:21 Cate is kicking Boof's ass!! Yay! He calls Indy "Daddy-O"! OMG!! LOL!!! Crazy greaser language!! What is he talking about??? Ah, youth. So wacky!

01:22 The overly cute monkeys teach Boof how to swing in the trees like Tarzan!! Fun!! Zip-lining for losers! Maybe Boof can be in a really crappy 4th sequel of Spiderman and help ruin that franchise too!

01:23 Oh no! Boof's coif is messed up. Get a comb Boof! Stat!

01:24 Monkeys attack Cate! She fights them off by tapping into her lust for a paycheck that got her into this predicament.

01:25 HOLY CRAP!!! GIANT ANTS!!! THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!!!! The Pants is going under the bed!!!

01:26 I still hear ants. I am NOT coming out!!! Those things were SERIOULY SCARY!

01:27 SCREW YOU Big Guy!!! And you too for laughing Jessica!!! The Big Guy said the ants were gone, and I came out to watch and they totally weren't! They are freaky man!!!

01:28 Ok, I'm back. Apparently Indy's hat survives the ant attack. The Big Guy told me that Ox used the skull to repel the ants. Of course he did. Marion drives the land boat off a cliff, it lands on a tree (that she could not have possible seen from the cliff), and falls safely into the water. OF COURSE IT DOES!

01:30 The car is also a boat. They go over a waterfall. Ox says "Three times it drops." Hopefully Indy can figure out that riddle!!

01:31 OMG!!! There are three waterfalls!! This is stupid. Rub my belly Jessica!!

01:31 Good belly rub! Better!

01:32 With no protective gear, they all just survived a 100 foot fall into rocks and death. OF COURSE THEY DID!!! They aren't even scratched. Transformers was more believable than this!!

01:32 The crazy guy Ox is totally overacting!! Like me when I'm trying to get crackers from the Big Guy!

01:32 Apparently the skull told Indy that he had to return it. They arrive at a weird temple with paintings. Look at the crazy paintings!! I think this was during Picasso's "Alien" period. The aliens taught the natives all about farming and irrigation. The aliens have big brains! Better to hold all of their farming knowledge! God, they've even managed to make aliens boring as shit.

01:34 A painting of 13 aliens on the wall holding hands and apparently playing Red Rover. Red Rover, Red Rover let ALF come over!! LOL ALF!! I love when he kept trying to eat cats!! That's ALF! Living the dream!

01:34 Indy asks Ox to show them the way. What a great idea - follow the guy that is in full retard mode!! He's like a male Governor Palin!

01:35 OMG!!! Natives come out of the ceiling and walls!!! They are wicked mad and chase the group into the temple square or something. But wait!! Ox pulls out the skull, and the natives are totally in awe of it!! Silly natives!! So primitive!! No wonder you needed help with irrigation and farming!

01:36 Mac wonders where all the gold is. Mac sure does have a boner for gold! (LOL, I said "boner", this might be NC-17 with that kind of edgy talk) The obelisk is the Key? WTF?? They knock skulls off to release sand that makes the obelisk move in four parts and then they sink into the sand and encounter - MORE BOOBY TRAPS!!! (Bet you thought I was going to say Prairie Dogs! God knows I was expecting them.)

01:38 This is dumber than Boo-Bah. I'm sorry Cousin Moe, but it is. This movie is full retard.

GAYEST. SHOW. EVER.

01:39 Boof will do anything to prevent his parents from making out. I have a skeleton for you! I have a crystal skull for you!! I pooped my pants!! Oh Boof.

01:40 I think this is the same set they used for Goonies! Cool!! I want to see Chunk and Sloth!!

"ROCKY ROAD!!!"

01:40 Jessica looks ridiculous curled up on the couch. I wish I had a crystal skull to throw at her! Also maybe some opposable thumbs so I could really wing it at her!

01:40 Meanwhile, the Big Guy looks awesome laying on the couch, although the look on his face is the same one he has each week when Jessica makes him watch the Hills. Poor Big Guy!!

01:41 OMG!! The aliens were archaeologists! No wonder they wanted to visit with Indy! There are artifacts from everywhere. Indy approaches a door that looks like the guys that said "RA-DI-O" on Sesame Street.

01:43 They go into a room with whole skeletons made of crystal! How exciting!! I bet one is missing its head!! I was right!! This movie continues to surprise and thrill me with its ingenuity and awesomeness.

01:44 And, here come the Russians. Mac is a triple agent. Cate puts the skull back on the skeleton and starts talking. What the hell are you talking about Cate. Whatever. Go Irish! Go UTEP!

01:45 The skeleton starts talking Mayan to Ox. The Pants is now whining to be taken out.

01:46 "I've got a bad feeling about this" LOL Han Solo!! er...I mean Indy!

01:46 The aliens want to give them a gift. Cate says she wants to know everything that they know. I bet that is a bad idea CATE! They do something with their eyes and the temple falls down. What is it with Indy always destroying temples?? Wouldn't that make him a crappy archaeologist? Though I guess it means he is always creating artifacts for others.

01:47 Boy, "Saving Private Ryan" seems like a long time ago huh Mr. Spielberg?

BACK WHEN SPIELBERG DIDN'T SUCK ASS!

01:47 Mac wants gold!! Ox can talk again!! I have to poop!!

01:48 A portal opens to another dimension and it sucks up all the Russians. Maybe it was to a portal to somewhere where communism actually works! Or to Narnia! Or to a world without Fox News! But for serious, that is what just happened. The Pants is very confused and bored. Just hurry up and END ALREADY! I HAVE TO POOP!

01:49 Indy runs off but he won't leave Mac, even though Mac is now a quadruple agent!

01:50 Cate gets all the aliens' knowledge, but unfortunately she doesn't use protection and she also gets alien herpes!! All the skeletons combine to make one skeleton! This might be scary if it wasn't so freaking dumb! Cate doesn't like it and her eyes catch on fire. She, and everything else are sucked up to Narnia. Bye Cate! See you in Elizabeth 3!! But our merry travelers escape via a geyser! The geyser makes it look like the temple pees them out. I need to pee too!!! The temple town is destroyed and a spaceship emerges from the ground. It goes "into the space between spaces." OMG whatever!! Don't forget to pick up ET. He is in L.A. trying to phone home!

01:53 Knowledge was the aliens treasure. You know what my treasure is? Greenies. That, and this movie ending soon.

01:53 Oooh, maybe Boof will go back to school Indy calls him Jr. Boof calls Indy dad! Aww! Ox is surprised!! Pants hates them all.

01:54 Grandpa is laughing - it would be great, and not all together unexpected in this pile of crap movie, to see Sean Connery's head floating in the sky!

01:55 Back at home - old guy running! Indy is associate dean! Indy and Marion get married in a really ugly church! By Hitler!! Getting married by Hitler is a bad omen Indy!! Not as bad as signing on for this steaming dump of a movie, but bad nonetheless! Oh Marion. You waited for like 30 years and finally got your man!! Go Marion!! Feminism loves you!

01:56 Ok, so, Ox got a haircut, Marion is horny, Boof is jealous and clearly has mother issues, Indy's hat rolls to Boof (more subtlety from our boy Lucas), but Indy grabs it first! LOL!! Oh Indy!! You and your HAT!! The Prairie dogs and monkeys are the ushers and bridesmaids!!! What an adventure. THE END.

The Pants gives the new Indy Jones 1 paw out of a possible 4! Thank you Messrs. Lucas and Spielberg for that multimillion dollar turd sandwich.



Now, I really must poop.

What's in a name?

Since Jessica and the Big Guy got married, I have been asked this question numerous times, so when my homegirl MM e-mailed me and asked me the question, I thought I would post it, and answer it, to assuage any fear my reader peeps may have about a potential name change for the Pants! MM writes:

Clancy, how come your name's not Clancy Cathey now?
MM

This is a good question MM! You would totally think the Big Guy would adopt me and want me to take his last name!! If I did, maybe people would stop confusing me for a boy!! (Get it, because he has a girly last name!!!) I'm kidding Big Guy! I would be totally proud to have your last name. (Not really - it is hilarious that Jessica has it now!!!)

Ok, I'm done ROTFL!! Basically MM, when I was on the streets, I didn't have a name of my own. Different people called me different things, and it was confusing. When Jessica found me at the shelter, I was called Ginger. I was not a fan of this. It reminded Pants of a stripper name. The Pants would NEVER be a stripper! I am a lady!! I totally cover up my lady lumps, not show them off!! And yes, I know I don't wear clothes!! I also don't jump on a stage and "shake it" or do "lap dances." I don't even like laps, I always try to jump out of them when placed there against my will!

So, when Jessica adopted me, Grandma said that I was like a little dancy clancy! Because although I don't shake it, I have some totally sweet dance moves! Check me out!Here I am doing the white man's underbite with the Big Guy! Underbites are WAY cooler than overbites!And here's my look when I go out and get down to some gangsta rap!
Anyway, enough showing off! So, Jessica decided to call me Clancy. It fits, and I love it!!! Then, she added Dolan as my middle name, it was the name of my great-grandmother! It rules!! And finally, Maloney, which is a bad ass last name!! Even more so now that it is no longer shared with Jessica!! But it is shared with Grandma, Grandpa, and Uncle Brian, as well as Uncle Dick who I met at the wedding, and cousin Pat and his brood!! All in all, it's solid!! And tough!! Because I am a tough chick, not some prima donna girly-girly named Clancy Cathey! Please!! So, it's Clancy Dolan Maloney!! Deal with it!

Houston Calling

Houston calling to the faraway towns
The Pants from Austin to Houston is coming down
Houston calling it's Tim's birthday!
Come out to see the Pants, maybe this Saturday!
Houston calling, please come play with me
It's going to be Clancymania you will all see!
Houston calling, the Pants knows how to dance
If you play your cards right, you'll see the Pants!

Yes, my loyal Houston peeps, the Pants, along with Jessica and the Big Guy, is coming to Houston to celebrate Tim's birthday! He's like 45 years old!! LOL!!! We're going to stay at Frito Guy's house and I get to lay in the most comfortablest leather chair ever!! I call it the "Leather Womb". Oh, sweet, sweet Leather Womb, how I have missed thee!!

If you play your cards right, you just might be able to meet the Pants! I'll sign some autographs, give some licks, let you rub my belly! If you want to hang get in touch with us! It's going to be on like Donkey Kong!! (the Big Guy told me that one...I don't get it. C'mon Big Guy, you're better than that!!)

Houston here comes the Pants!!

Houston Peeps!!!

I have heard rumors that the Pants has fans down in H-town (that's what hip people call Houston! LOL!!), but this is proof! Here is a letter from my new homegirl Jenn With Two Ns!

Dear Pants -

I believe your homegirl JC and I are on the same wavelength regarding google readers, RSS feeds or whatever means there are out there to be notified of a new posting on a blog. We just don't need it. We love the pure excitement of checking out a blog and seeing if a new post is there without being told ahead of time. The excitement is instantaneous and thrilling.

Question #1: What is your preference?

Question #2: How do you politely tell someone you are stalking their blog? Or should you just let the author figure it out via Sitemeter or whatever tracking means they have and never say anything? See, we were randomly told (and then finally emailed) that JC had a blog, so we checked it out. Well, she had links! And...well...the Pants was one of them. Now we can't get enough. My husband even has it set up on his google reader and he only knows The Big Guy through some sort of seven degrees of separation related to Rice. We've never even met The Pants! How creepy is that!?!

Well, you don't have to respond. We just wanted you to know that we are addicted to The Pants and his blog. I don't think we are the only ones. There may have been previous conversations with other blog stalkers and JC where we admitted we use her blog to get to The Pants' blog. Oops!

Jenn

Well Jenn With Two Ns, OF COURSE I will answer your question! It is much more thought-provoking and intelligent than "Is the word bird?" (no offense Tim Ed!! You are still my knight in shining shinguards!)) Thanks for writing to the Pants!! it is good to know that tales of my wisdom are spreading far and wide to H-town land!! I love visiting Houston!!
"Houston: Slightly Less Crappy Than Dallas" - The Big Guy

Sometimes the Big Guy doesn't get it!! Big Guy, Houston is awesome!! That's where Tim, Kelli, Frito Guy and Jenn With Two Ns lives!! Don't be a hater Big Guy!

As to your first question, the Pants is DEFINITELY on the same page as you and the Cafferty. I may have a blog, but I don't even know what a RSS feed is!! It sounds like something that the Man, a.k.a. Homeland Security, monitors to make sure I'm not a terrorist. (Hey the Man, I'm too cute to be a terrorist!! Stop monitoring the Pants' RSS feed!!) I DO know that one can have blog updates sent to you, but the Pants also likes the surprise and sheer thrill of finding a new post! It is like an unplanned Christmas when this happens! Even better, it's like a Christmas where Jessica and the Big Guy DON'T dress me up and strip away my dignity.


So in answer to your first question Jenn With Two Ns, you are right smack dab on the money. The Pants gives you four paws! Way up!!

Your second question might be unnerving to a blogger less worldly and confident as the Pants. I welcome stalkers!! They are top drawer in my book!! You see, I AM a stalker...of squirrels. When I see one of these furry little bastards I immediately began to stalk and try and try to catch him like this:

I have not caught one yet, but it shall happen! Mark the Pants' words!! You can NOT stop the Pants, you can only hope to contain her!! The reason for this is that while dogs are the keeper of all good karma in the world, squirrels are evil and trying to take over the world! It is true. That's why they are always burying nuts - in case of Armageddon. Do not trust squirrels!! For serious!!! When the Big Guy and Tim told me how they thought Rice squirrels were always plotting things I was blown away! Such insight and brilliance!! Usually only dogs know about the latent evil in the squirrel world.

But back to your question (the Pants gets sidetracked sometimes - sorry about that!) I think you should just tell the blogger that you think they are the best!! (Mainly because I don't know what Sitefeed is, although it sounds like another way for the Man to track me down!) (Look at all my parentheticals!! LOL!! I'm a ParenPants!!) Unless the blog is your ex-human boy and/or girl-friend, then you might want to be a quiet stalker. Of course, that's also a little creepy and in that case you should probably re-evaluate your life and have a meeting with yourself, like this: "Hello me! I'm creepy!!" LOL!

I hope these answers have helped!! Although it should be noted that the Pants is a "she" not a "he", though I TOTALLY forgive you because you and your husband sound scrumtrulescently awesome! Besides, this is far from the first time the Pants has been faced with this indignity!! My Uncle Brian ALWAYS calls me a "he". Well Mr. L.A. fancy pants, how about I start calling you "Aunt Brian"?? ROFL! Just kidding Bri - LYLAS...literally!

I hope these answers have helped Jenn With Two Ns. I hope one day I can get a H-town belly rub! Peace!

Horrible and Terrifying Pumpkin Carving

I'm so sorry for the delay in this post loyal readers!! You see, all the dogs in my hood take turns on the neighborhood watch, and this week, it was my turn! Basically, this duty entails keeping my ears posted for suspicious activity, and then running to the front window and barking my head off. I am very, very good at this. When I first came to live with Jessica, I never barked, never! I was too suspicious of Jessica (rightly so!) and her motives. I just kept my mouth shut and sat on the couch. But once the Big Guy came into the picture, I totally felt more comfortable and able to express myself!! So, I did!! Of course, Jessica is too stupid to see the danger lurking out the window. She's always saying, "Pants, what are you barking at? I don't see anything!!! I give her this look . . .
Anyway, back to the point of this post - Pumpkins!!!! The other weekend Jessica and the Big Guy had my favoritist person, Cafferty, over to the house to drink wine, carve pumpkins, watch football, and pet the Pants!! I was so excited to see the Cafferty!!! I even have a look that we call "the Cafferty"! It looks something like this, but it is rarely seen and difficult to capture on film. Basically, I try to entice her into petting me by contorting my body and making cute faces!Cafferty doesn't warm up to dogs very much, but she loves the Pants. She even touched me the other day!!! I was so excited!!! But how could she resist when I was looking so cute in my ND shirt! Go Irish!!!
So, the Pants was super excited all day. That morning, Jessica and the Big Guy took me to this totally awesome place called a "pumpkin patch." It is truly magical! The pumpkin patch is full of hay and pumpkins and small human peeps who love to pet the Pants!! It was awesome!! They bought some pumpkins and some "decorative gourds", whatever those are - great idea Jessica!! Seriously, you are brilliant!!! And totally don't waste money!!

After the magic of the pumpkin patch, we headed to the HEB!!!! There, everything is better!! It has always been a dream of mine to go inside the HEB, and on this day I came as close as I ever have! It is the most wondrous place on earth! It is full of human persons who bring out carts laden with food and deliciousness that the Pants only can dream about!! OMG!!! Heaven!!! Apparently, there is some sort of stupid "rule" that dogs cannot go in the HEB. Well, the Pants isn't just any dog, and I should totally be allowed into the HEB. I began working on the employees of the HEB by chillin' outside the store and displaying my cuteness with Jessica while the Big Guy went inside. There was this awesome group of older human peeps who rode on a bus to the HEB to do their shopping. I have never encountered these older peeps before. Let me tell you, they are awesome!!! Talk about belly rubs and attention!!! Pants likey!!!

After the joy of HEB, we went home, Cafferty (yay!!) came over, and this pumpkin carving began. And let me tell you - pumpkin carving is HORRIFYING!!! Good Lord!! There are knives - some of them make a lot of noise - and Jessica, Cafferty, and the Big Guy cut the poor pumpkins open with these knives!! Then, they pulled out their insides!!! I was so scared - the Big Guy was a serial pumpkin killer!! Jessica even kept some of their innards, she called them "seeds" and cooked them! She and the Big Guy totally ate them! They are cannibals!! And to make it worse, after they ripped out and ate the pumpkin innards, they cut the pumpkins and put faces on them! WHAT?! The Pants was so confused, I did the only logical thing - I hid under the bed! I thought I was next since I'm kind of orange too!!! Then the Big Guy explained to me that pumpkins are just fruits or vegetables or something and that it was totally okay to eat them and cut out faces on them. Um, okay Big Guy, the Pants wouldn't call that "fun", but to each his own! He and Jessica did tell me they would never do that to the Pants (which was nice), but I'm still going under the bed if they start "carving" (that's a nice way to put what they did to those poor, innocent pumpkins) again. Egad!!

I must say that the Big Guy's and Cafferty's pumpkins were much better than Jessica's! This is the Cafferty's - so cute!! Just like her!

This is the Big Guy's - he made a nerd pumpkin - LOL Big Guy!

This is Jessica's.

As the Pants was clearly disturbed and hiding under the bed, you would think that Jessica would let the Pants be, but noooo!! She dragged me outside to see all the pumpkins!

Then, they lit them on fire! Good Lord! I had nightmares all night!! But, thankfully, Jessica showed me the pumpkins during the day, and they were much less scary! They were actually kind of funny and silly looking - kind of like Frito Guy!!Jessica can be okay sometimes!! Just don't tell her I said so!

Important Karmic Question From Tim

Here is a question from my main man Tim Ed!!

Dear The Pants,

I've got some bad karma. Things could be worse but I'm trying to keep things from spinning out of control like a mortgage crisis. Recently I got pulled over for speeding. Luckily I only got a warning for the speeding but a ticket for the expired inspection sticker. Then I pulled into a parking lot and started walking into a store before I realized I got out of my car and left it running (good thing I use the key to lock it or I would have pulled a Big Guy and locked my keys in a running car). Shortly after leaving the car running I gave a white minivan a love tap on the rear bumper. Again, no real damage but when you add all of these things together it seems like a disaster is building. I feel like I've laid down a perfect bunt but then fell down getting out of the batters box or that I finally stole a base only to realize the guy in front of me missed the sign and now we are both out. Pants, I need to change my karma, what can I do?

Your friend,
Tim

Good question Tim! It sounds like you are having some serious crazy times!!! I'm not sure if you know this, but dogs are the universe's offical keepers of the karma. If you are having bad karma it must mean that you have accidentally upset a dog somewhere - maybe Harli!!! This is my sista Harli!



I know you would never do this on purpose - the Pants remembers when you attacked the Big Guy with the dustbuster and protected the Pants' honor!! (The Big Guy still hasn't ever chased me with it again! I totally owe you one Tim Ed! I will give you the extra cuddles next weekend!!) However, the good thing is that it is very easy to turn around one's karma. Dogs are a very forgiving bunch for the most part - although I would not recommend insulting Tico's heritage. He becomes irate!! I kid you not!!! That was the last time I ever called him a "tortilla face" I'll tell you that much!

Okay Tim, so you are probably wondering how to change this karma around. First you need to go to an ice cream place and get a bunch of non-chocolate flavored ice cream .(I don't know why but chocolate can make dogs sick. Well, that's at least what human persons say. The Pants thinks it might just be a load of poop so human persons can hog all the yummy chocolate!) Once you drive home, make sure the Kelli doesn't see you because she may not be a fun of the ice cream orgy that is to follow. Then take Harli in the backyard and let her totally chow down on all the yummy ice cream!! Harli's happiness will immediately change your karma, and before you know it, you will be getting the raise, and getting a promotion so that Frito Guy works for you, and girls will see you and lose their minds!! (but don't do anything with the mind loss girls - I love the Kelli!)

Keep this between us though - I don't want Kelli with an "I" getting mad at me.

7 days til the Pants is in Houston for Tim's birthday festivities! I haven't even started packing yet! Holy crap!! LOL!!!

Election Talk

Okay reader peeps, no more talking about names for MM's new pup, or about belly rubs (though the Big Guy and Jessica have been giving me some SERIOUS belly rubs recently. it's been pretty awesome!) or about how Jessica does her Jillian Michaels workout in the front yard while I watch (hysterical!)...it's time we talk about the big election coming up.

Early voting has begun here in Texas, and despite my extensive knowledge of the issues and the candidates, I am being denied my constitutional right to vote!! What an injustice!! What a travesty!!! The people that I talked to on the phone (yes I can use a phone - I have a blog don't I? LOL!!) say it's because i'm technically a dog and thus I can't be a "registered voter", but I really believe it's because I refuse to wear a flag pin on my collar. Listen the Man, you can't keep a good Pants down!!

So since I cannot get out and rock the vote myself(Remember when Diddy had his campaign called "Vote or Die"? Well I think he should have had one called "I Promise to Learn How to Rap Or Die" cause he sucks! Tico told me that one!! LOL!! Oh Tico, how I miss you homeboy!!), it's up to you peeps to get out there and do it in my place. I've noticed recently that some high profile people like Colin Powell (Obama), Matt Damon (Obama) and Jon "Crazy Pants" Voight (McCain)have come out with who they are endorsing. Well, the Pants has been far too silent for far too long! Here are the candidates that the Pants is giving her endorsement to:

President: Barack "I support the Pants not wearing a flag pin" Obama Obama's Website



Not only did Obama not wander around and act crazy like McCain at the debates, but he thinks dogs are awesome and is endorsed by the Humane Society.

The word on the street is that McCain kicks dogs when he's upset, and sometimes pees on cats!! Now if the cat thing is true I might have to switch my vote, but until it can be verified independently (if you have a picture of McCain peeing on a cat send it to my email asap!!) I'm sticking with Obama. I have peed on the Obama sign in our front yard many times to show my support!!

Also, the Pants has more foreign policy experience than Governor Palin!! I've lived on the streets man!! I think I would TOTALLY be a better VP candidate than her!! I'm cuter, I'm smarter, I don't like to kill animals, I know the Big Guy personally and I like to party!! And Tina Fey would NEVER make fun of the Pants like she does of Palin! Tina would totally chill with me and would crack the Pants up. Tina, if you read this blog give me a call!! We can have flirtinis and you can regale me with behind the scenes stories of how hairy Alec Baldwin really is!!! We could be besties!!! If the Pants was the VP candidate, people would never make fun of her like this!


Texas 10th Congressional District: Larry Joe Doherty Larry Joe's site

Now, I'm not voting for my boy LJ because he's a Democrat - the Pants is an independent thinker!! Don't put any labels on me cause they won't stick cause the Pants is like butter!! LOL!! I'm voting for LJ because he's the tops! Look at how awesome this guy is!!



In the primary, LJ's opponent was in a dorky law library in a tv commercial and asked "do you want a tv pesonality representing you?" Ummmm...hells yes the Pants does!!! He'll bring hilarity to the Hill!! (For those less politically astute than the Pants, "The Hill" is what they call Capitol Hill in DC. It's what the Pants calls "Dorkville.") I don't know if people have noticed, but most congressmen are boring tools who would rather raise money than rub the Pants' belly! What is up with that??!!! No way you can tell me that LJ wouldn't stop fundraising to rub the Pants' belly and take me the Pants for a walk! No way!! He would take me to the dog park and would tell me Anna Nicole and Texas Justice stories and secrets like how he doesn't wear underwear under the robe - it would be hilarious!! Oh man Larry Joe, you are the da bomb!! For serious!!

U.S. Senate: The Big Guy (write-in).

I did a lot of research on this, and the Pants has decided that both Rick Noriega and John Cornyn are mayors of Loserville. Here is Noriega. He looks scary, like he might eat the Pants or at least yell at me like I did something wrong!



Hey Rick, chillax big guy!! Nobody threw a trash party at your house so get over yourself!!

And John Cornyn? Well, John is apparently one of the 4 human persons, 2 dogs (Mozart is a die hard Republican (sigh)), and 4 turtles that still think President Bush is doing a good job:



On the other hand, the Big Guy would be awesome in the Senate!! I listen to him and Jessica talk and he has TONS of good ideas such as "I think we need to stop spending $10 billion a week in Iraq", "America is not divided into a Pro-America and Anti-America" and "Pants, let's you and I run away together and leave Jessica with the mortgage!" He is sooooo wise!!! LOL!!! He has played professional baseball, worked in DC already for a big, evil law firm, and has a J.D. Plus, and much more importantly, he is hilarious!!! The other day he put the covers over me and I totally couldn't get out, and the whole time he was tickling me in the dark - it was crazy mad fun! So write in the Big Guy in two weeks!!

Later on peeps. I'm off to take a nap in the sunshine.

A Shout Out to MM and Her New Pup Daddy!

What's shaking Reader Peeps??!! It's been good to hear from you loyal readers these past few weeks - keep the questions coming!! I love to use my extensive knowledge to make your lives easier!! I'll get to my crazy weekend (pumpkin carving is freaking terrifying!! Good Lord!!!) in another post, but first I want give a shout out to and brag on my homegirl MM for adopting a puppy that lost its home after Ike! Such generosity!! Such selflessness!! But the Big Guy showed me pictures of Emmett MM, and I'm not sure bringing this ferocious monster into the house is safe!! If he had a movie about him, it would be called "THE THIRST FOR BLOOD!!" Check out these terrifying pictures Reader Peeps (if you dare!) and make the call for yourselves:

In this first one he looks super cute (though not as cute as me, let's not get carried away!!) but though it appears he is just hanging with his foster brother, he is actually stalking him!!



Things are going okay in the picture above right? Well, that is before Emmett goes to attack his poor foster brother, who is quite unprepared for this hostility and is forced to roll over into the protective position!!



Then the beast goes for foster brother's neck!! He might be a vampire!! Or worse, he could be a die hard Palin supporter!!! (LOL! I LOVE political humor!!)



Is Emmett the bloodthirsty little one is not finished? I think not Reader Peeps!!! He moves in for the kill!!! Heads up foster bro!! Tighten up that protective position!



MM, you are adopting a puppy that has obviously been dug up from the Pet Sematary that the Stephen King wrote about!! Do you want your poor Sugar to have her jugular ripped out?? Look how cool my girl Sugar is! She has never tried to eat the Pants...not even once!



Okay, I kid a little bit. Emmett is probably not a vampire (though he better not be a Palin supporter! LOL! There I go again...awwww...snap!), but we have to get him a better name than Emmett. This is because the Big Guy once made us watch this horrible and super crappy Christmas special called "Emmett Otter's Jugband Christmas". He watched it when he was little and remembered liking it...apparently the Big Guy's taste was not so good when he was a little human person. I love muppets and the Jim Henson (Fraggle Rock rocks hard core! For serious!!), but look at these things!



They look like poops with faces on them!! And poops that I wouldn't even want to sniff!!! And coming from the Pants, that is saying something. I LOVE to sniff a nice poop. Or nearly ANY poop for that matter. Mmmmmmm poop. However, that the poops look like retarded rats isn't the worst part (yeah I said "retarded"! I'm so un-PC!!! ROFL!!!), the worst part is that the show is sooooooo lame and stupid and the mom and the son have way too close of a relationship for the Pants' taste. Hello Motherboy!!

So MM, I have some names for your bloodsucking puppy:

1. Ike - He survived the Ike storm and I think calling him this would be cool! It would show how totally bad ass he is. He would be all like "a storm couldn't stop me homies!!" Besides, just calling him the name of the storm beats calling him what happens during a storm. You know, like calling him "Flooding" or "Storm Surge" or "Massive Toxic Sewage Leaks". I like Ike! (that could totally be a slogan or something! LOL!)

2. Shiner - He sort of looks like a Shiner beer. I know what they look like because sometimes the Big Guy, Jessica and me go to Billy's on Burnet and party hearty!! On those nights it's as many shiners as you can drink! Plus it would be fun to yell at him! "Hey Shiner! Come here Shiner! Stop eating that woman's jugular Shiner!!"

3. Guiness - He TOTALLY looks like a Guiness, or as I like to call it, the only beer I'll drink. (I'm a super Irish drinking snob!! LOL!! Ireland or bust Reader Peeps!! Oh, sorry Big Guy. Scotland is okay too.)

I think all 3 of these names would be super cool! I can't wait to text Shiner to meet up for flirtinis!! Also, I think he's going to be fine around Sugar and Spice as long as he (a) shows he's not scared and that he won't be pushed around and (b) he ignores his violent vampirish rage and refrains from murdering them and devouring their bodies.

I'm fired up to party with the Fab Four and the Emmett on Election Day! It's going to be awesome!! And if I can trick Jessica into missing it, it will be the biggest party of the year!! LOL!!! The Fab Four, wine, E-dog and Obama...it's going to be off the hizzy!! Peace out yo! (the Pants is trying to expand her readership and the polling data shows that I need to be more "hardcore", so I've got to start using my street lingo...bizzzzatches!) When it comes to the Pants, don't hate, just appreciate! LOL!

Laura! How I Miss Thee!!

The Pants is going to get a little mushy and sentimental here for a bit. But I just needed to give a shout out to Laura. I love Laura! And Paul!! And Samantha!! And Tico!!! And even Mozart! Ever since Jessica has been home, I haven't seen Laura. She used to come and take me for walks. Sometimes we would have a few Coronas and talk about life, Austin, Keeping Austin Weird, Zilker Park, Austin City Limits, whether we think that Scientologists are discriminated against because of their religious beliefs, you know, LIFE!!

Now, I am stuck with Jessica. She sometimes walks me, but mainly sits on her computer. I hope to see Laura again soon. Maybe we could just get together, go to Austin Java or Billy's on Burnet, have some drinks and catch up! Give me a shout!

Debates

These Debates are stupid!! The Pants doesn't care about Joe the Plumber or Hockey Moms or any of these goof offs. And why are they at lame colleges! What is the Hofstra?? I would only watch it if it was at an awesome school like UTEP.

New Friends and Loyal Reader Peeps!!!

LOL!!! These guys are hilarious!! They are totally my loyal readers, Riley and Tito
and their little brother JacksonI totally want to get together with them and drink flirtinis, as long as they promise not to drag me around by my tail!!!! The Pants may look like a stuffed animal, but she is NOT! Also - great idea about the toilet paper. Jess and the Big Guy have a huge stash of toilet paper that they got at some place called Costco. I'm totally down with that!! (If Jessica ever gets off her fat butt and leaves the house that is.)

Also, one time, I totally got into a closet where the Big Guy had stored some toys and greenies!!! I opened the greenies and had a greenie party all over the guest bed!! It was awesome. I heard the Big Guy coming and I totally hid the remaining greenies under the pillow. It would have worked if I hadn't gotten sick and threw up green foam in like 7 places all over the house. Jessica found my stash and threw them away!! What's up with that? I really hate her!

Thanks for the great note guys!!! I will see you at the dumpster!! LOL!!!

Dear Clancy:

I've been reading your blog and me and my brother think you are really cute and funny!! I've attached a picture of us. We are not normally as lazy as we look in this picture. We have a little trick we like to play on our mom where we pretend to be asleep and then the minute she leaves to go to work we run around the house like maniacs looking for things to get into. Last week we were able to open the door to the cabinet and took out a brand new package of 12 rolls of toilet paper. OMG we had a blast. Mom is still finding t-paper all over the place! It was almost as bad as when we decided to eat her comforter and little feathers flew everyone. It was SO much fun. We always try to blame it on the little guy (our little brother -- picture also attached) the one we like pretend is a stuffed animal and drag around by his little tail, but mom somehow always knows it is us.

Oops, here comes mom so we better get off her computer and pretend to be asleep again!!

Happy trash hunting!!

Hand Me a Cafferty!

Check out the new link I posted to my main homegirl Jen Cafferty's blog! She totally is blogging like me!!

Jen, I know you don't like dogs but now that we both blog, can I come live with you?? Or at least visit every other weekend like I was the unwanted daughter you never had??

Surprisingly insightful answer for Tim's Wal-Mart Question

The Mozart, whom the Pants misses despite herself, but never thought was very bright, provides this surprisingly good suggestion for Tim!!!

The Mozart writes:

A suggestion for Wal-mart guy. Buy needed items for Ike victims and then use the receipt for tax deduction.

Very clever indeed Mozart!!! Tim, I think we have a winner!

Very Serious Question - Help Out My Furry Friends

The Marilyn (better known as my homegirl MM) writes:

Hi Pants,

The Marilyn is wondering how the Pants feels about trading in her Sugar and Spice models for some cute puppies who were abandoned by their Big Guy after Hurricane Ike. The Marilyn knows she is not supposed to want to upgrade her furry charges but the Marilyn cannot help it! Replacement Sugar and Replacement Spice are so freaking cute! Notice how Replacement Sugar (the black one) and Replacement Spice (the brown one) are so small and how they don’t look as prone to trying to eat the Pants when there are flirtini visits. Also note how I could refer to them as the Replacements and we could all laugh at the Keanu Reeves movie reference. Finally, note Replacement Sugar's already apparent willingness to blend with my life style by falling asleep near a phone that's not ringing and the tv remote control. In short, Pants, I think you can see why the Replacements would be upgrades from the Originals. Failing that, Pants, please help these tiny Ike-tykes find a home with their own Big Guy.

Dear MM,

You are in quite a quandry!! Replacement Sugar and Replacement Spice look totally awesome!! They also look totally young, and the Pants could totally teach them about the world, Big Guys, Fritos, Flirtinis, watching Sex and the City Movies, etc. Man, it would be so much fun!!! Plus, "The Replacements!"!! LOL MM!!!! You totally make the Pants laugh and laugh. The Pants loves her some Keanu Reeves! He is dreamy! I think I'm going to watch some Point Break after finishing this post!!

Alas, it would be too cruel to replace the Originals! They cannot help that they want to eat the Pants, and that they don't like Flirtinis, and that they are generally kind of lame. Plus, you love them, you know you do!!! You are too good MM!!! And, they are also kind of cute!

So, the Pants will help you in any way to find these Displaced Ike Replacements in a good home!! If any reader peeps out there want to adopt these adorable refugees (Brangelina???) please contact the Pants at jesjlmaloney@yahoo.com. Or, leave a comment and let the Pants know!! I have no doubt that we can find these guys a good home. However, MM, if we cannot, I will totally go with you to dump the Original Sugar and Spice at Sunny's house! She is a sucker and would totally take them in!!!