Pants' "How To" Do Crap

So now that the Pants is 5 years old now, I've been thinking about what I've seen and heard, and I've learned a LOT!  Just for you Reader Peeps, here are some of the things the Pants has learned in the Pants' short but eventful life:

1. The Big Guy is awesome!!  Even if he does something dumb, he will quickly come back with something so awesome your brain might melt from the brilliance!!  Also Jessica is actually okay too - just please don't tell her.

2. Indiana Jones and the Crystal Fetus sucked. Really, really hard. Suck the Pants' ass George Lucas!!!

3. I am very, very confused as to why NASCAR is popular.  Right turns need love too.

4. Those Taco Bell commercials with the douchebags in the car are NOT FUNNY! I miss the chihuahua. Tico is available Taco B!!!

5. Austin is 20 times cooler than any other city in Texas.  Period.  It's also 500 times cooler than an actual turd sandwich, and 1000 times cooler than Waco.

6. I don't understand girls (or gay guys - the Pants doesnt judge! I loved Milk! LOL!) who think Robert Redford was hotter than Paul Newman.  His eyes were soooooo blue, OMG!

7. Beer is gross. Wine is delicious. Greenies are heaven.

8. The greatest teams, in order, are UTEP, Notre Dame/Rice (tie), NY Giants and the Houston Astros.  The worst team ever is a tie between Oklahoma and Texas A&M.  They just edged out the Nazis and the Khmer Rouge.

9.  Being a charter member of the Brentwood/Crestview Hood Watch is MUCH more tiring than I expected it to be!

10. Most people are stupid and don't know how to do anything correctly.

While I could expound upon all of these jewels of information, I'm going to focus on #10.  People need to learn how to do things correctly!! And if the Pants doesn't take on this responsibility who will? (If anyone said Ann Coulter, I will bite their ankles. HARD! And I'll use all 7 of my teeth!)

So to start, let me explain the correct way to stalk a squirrel.  Many dogs, wolverines and people rush right at them and scare them up a tree. What a common mistake!!!  The Pants has been there fearless squirrel hunters, and understands your frustration.  Here are the steps to catching one of those dastardly and evil squirrels:

1. Identify your enemy.

First things first, identify how many squirrels there are, and exactly WHERE they are.  They are tricky and must never be trusted. NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON A SQUIRREL!  (Pretend the squirrel is Jack Bauer. Proceed accordingly.)  So when you decide to stalk, identify the enemy first.

TWO EVILDOERS!!

2.  Patiently stalk.

Despite wanting to do whatever you can to GET THOSE BASTARD SQUIRRELS...you must use patience.  Think more along the lines of "Michael Corleone in The Godfather" rather than "Carl Weathers in Predator."  Once the squirrels come down to ground level, the game has begun.  When you begin your approach, quickly drop into crouching formation, kind of like a soldier crawling on his belly, or Demi Moore creeping up on Ashton Kutcher.

Nice camerawork Big Guy. It looks like I'm stalking a freaking tree.

You have to creep slowly, so as not to alert the evil, evil, evil squirrel of your intentions.  Here is a better pic that puts you in the Pants' shoes!

You are MINE squirrel bastard!  Just keep digging away you mindless moron...don't mind the Pants that is creeping towards you...

3. Once you are close, sprint! But heads up for acid!

You have to get close enough to make your dash for the squirrel.  Sometimes the squirrel will see you and your stalking will have been for naught.  However, sometimes you can catch them! When you do, be careful, because these evil animals have acid for blood! For serious!! If you peel back the skin on a squirrel this is what they look like!

Of course I'll get you another burger Oprah! Bless your heart!

So stalk away my friends, but be careful!  There are few things more evil than squirrels on this earth ( "The Hills", the smarmy guy from the Sprint commercials, law schools, etc. ) but not many.   I'll be back with more helpful hints soon!!

Christmas With the Catheys!!

Let me first apologize for my hiatus Reader Peeps, but as I mentioned before, the Big Guy is home with the Pants all day!!!  You know how happy all those millions of people were at the inauguration last week in DC...well multiply their happiness by like quadrillionteen times and that's how happy the Pants is every day!!  The Big Guy takes me for 3 walks a day, plays with me AND gives me the cuddles. I mean...holy crap! AND, Jessica is at work every day.  She's not even here!!!!

To quote one of my favorite movies:

"Is this heaven?"

"No, this is Austin."

PLUS, check out his new cool Big Guy beard!

He's a lumberjack and he's okay!

But enough about heaven on earth, back to Christmas 2008!!  We hopped in the Prius and rolled to Spring, TX for Christmas this year, home of Grandma Marilyn, Grandpa John and Bro Person!  Grandpa John quickly put me to work carving the turkey.

CUT THAT MEAT!!

Grandma Marilyn totally cooked up the spread to end all spreads! There was turkey, ham, vegetables, dressing, fruit salads and much, much more!  Check out the yumminess below!! However, did I get a seat at the table?? Ummm...nope!  So much for WWJD.  Apparently Jesus would make you sit under the table.  Awesome.

Hey Jesus, how about a ladder?

Of course, that didn't stop me from getting some scraps from everyone.  Who can possibly resist this face??

Come on guys!  JC would have wanted me to have some turkey!

After the feast, everyone went to church and the Pants took a serious nap. (Nothing puts me to sleep like Trypophan!  Except for the new season of Grey's Anatomy.)  Once they came back, we piled into the car and went to Carra's house!  Carra used to be both the Big Guy's and Bro Person's high school counselor and has been a friend of the fam ever since.  Also, I had met her before and she is a delight! (use your best James Lipton impression there) Four paws way up! This is her with her friend's dog at her house.

Hey Carra! I can't see you over that chia pet's head! LOL!

It was a serious party!!  Here is me, the dog who yaps way too much (I forget her name. I'll call her "Hannity") and Wally.  Wally is awesome!!! He's like 112 years old in dog years and has climbed mountains and run half-marathons! For serious!!  But since he's so old, he can't hear or see very good and actually gets stuck in corners sometimes because he can't move backwards anymore.  He's like an Aggie!! Ha! (Hey Reader Peeps, how do you confuse an Aggie? Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in a corner! LOL! Go UTEP!)

Out of the way Hannity, I want to party with my boy Wally!

Hey! Hands off Hannity! He's MY Big Guy!

The next day it was Christmas!!! Check out the awesome tree that Grandma Marilyn put up! Look at all the presents!!  They were all for the Pants too!! (editor's note: no they weren't)

 Full of nothing but dental grade cocaine.

I got up on the couch with Jessica to await all the presents that the Big Guy was bringing in!

Don't touch me.

I then snagged the camera and took pictures....check out the sweet camera work.

Bro Person. Sitting on his throne of lies.

Oh you two! Comedy gold yet again!!  How do you do it??

Grandma Marilyn paused from writing down the presents to give the Pants some cuddles.

Discussing Southern Living with my Grandma!

All in all, it was an awesome Christmas! Thank you Cathey family for a great time and all the cuddles and belly rubs!!  See you soon!!

Bliss!!

Reader peeps! I must apologize for my lack of blogging, but miracle of miracles the Big Guy has stayed home with me ALL WEEK!!!  Apparently he is "between jobs."  I'm not sure what that means exactly, but to the Pants "between jobs" means "heaven!"

And do you want to hear something even better!!! Jessica has to go to work all day every day!!!  So all day it's just me and the Big Guy WITHOUT HER!!!

However, going on walks, getting my belly rubbed and being ridiculously happy doesn't get the blogging done.  So I'll be better about it...I have much to talk to you about. So brace yourself for some shocking revelations before the weekend is out!!

Spa Day!!

This past Friday the Big Guy dropped me off for a totally awesome Spa Day at Groomingdales to keep me in the lifestyle I have grown accustomed to!! Every few months the Pants gets to go to Groomingdales (what a name! I mean, where do they come up with this stuff??) and get my hair trimmed, my toenails clipped and my anal glands expressed. Ooo-la-la!!

Groomingdales: Keeping Austin's Anal Glands Expressed Since 2005!

Groomingdales is totally awesome!! Not only do they help the Pants put her best face forward, but with us dogs they rub our bellies and play with us!  Talk about the royal treatment!!  Even better, after they give cats their stupid haircuts they throw them in the backroom and taunt them. Then they let us bark at them too!! Cats are dumb!!

This past Friday they gave me a sweet short haircut that Jessica immediately said was too short.  Stupid Jessica, don't you know that in 2009 it is hip to have your summer 'do in the winter and your winter 'do in the summer?

Damn, I look good!

Now, before you say "why is Pants wearing that silly bandana" you should know that in 2009  patterned bandanas like the sweet-ass one I got are totally in!!  Now if I was wearing a solid bandana I would be a tool, but with this, I'm like Sarah Jessica Parker wearing Manolo Blanhiks! (Oh SJP, I miss your puns!)

Note how the pattern drips with trendiness!

Oh Groomingdales! How much I love you!!  Later on Peeps - I've got to run.  Between 3 and 5 is my time to keep on eye out on the hood!  Walk by the House of Payne if you dare cats and dogs!

Ask the Pants: Flirtinis!

Hey peeps!! I totally got this note from my homegirl Angie in H-town:

Pants,

I have a question for you.  Cafferty and I spent New Years Eve together in NOLA (and whew...we survived), but we went to the restaurant that served flirtinis.  We both commented on how this was your favorite drink, but didn't know why.  Where did your flirtini addiction come from?  And can you give the recipe for The Pants' Flirtini???

Have a great 2009 Pants!

Angie

Happy 2009 Angie!!! Thanks for thinking of the Pants when you were in NOLA (Were you in Villanova?  Land of Granola? Or New Orleans? Because if you were in New Orleans I hope you were careful! The Pants has heard that people from there will shoot you for no reason!!).  Good question about the Pants' adoration of the flirtini!!  The flirtini has been a longtime companion of the Pants, but the Pants has never told the story of why.  Here it is, in print for the first time, for your reading pleasure:

Three years ago, The Pants was in Town Lake Animal Shelter and after my time on the streets, the Pants was looking a little rough and had lost most of my mojo.  Also, the Pants was sort of shy back then so I wasn't really strutting my stuff to convince a human person to adopt me.  One night, after all the human persons were gone, one of the older labs that everyone called "Big Mama" came to talk to me.  She said "Pants, you need to loosen up. Chillax a little bit. (Big Mama was totally hip with the newest street talk)  Big Mama is going to make you a special treat."  Five minutes later she came back to my cage with two glasses filled with the most intoxicating beverage on earth.  After just one of them, the Pants felt SOOOOOOOOO goood!! Like the Big Guy does after two glasses of wine! (but NOT like him after 5 glasses of wine. He is kinda annoying then.) I asked Big Mama what was this nectar of the gods called? "It's a flirtini." she replied. 

That night, the Pants created the famous Pants Dance as I could not stop dancing around and around and around.  I was totally hooked on flirtinis!!!  Once I went to Westie Pet Rescue in Austin, I totally employed my newfound dance moves (using the occasional flirtini to help me remember) to get Jessica to adopt me.  Which in and of itself isn't that cool, but then she introduced me to the Big Guy!!  Rapture!!!! So flirtinis saved my life! I love them!!!

As for the Pants' secret recipe - I'll tell you how I make mine but you can adjust according to your own tastes Angie friend!  However, you will need vodka, champagne and pineapple juice.  I recommend the kind of champagne that has bubbles in it and the kind of pineapple juice that hasn't been sitting in the refrigerator for 3 or more years.  Fresh ingredients are key!!  I'm not exactly sure of how much of each to put in (I can't reach the measuring cups in the cabinet, so I just sort of wing it), but more champagne with bubbles and juice than vodka.  Once it's mixed together, put sugar around the rim...the Pants LOVES sugar!  Then, voila, you have your very own Flirtini!!  You can add a little bit of color to it too!  A cherry, a piece of pineapple, a greenie, a bone, etc. all work great!

Mmmmm.  Sweet, sweet booze.

So ring me up Angie, and we'll have a flirtini night here in town!! I would come to Houston, but I can't drive a car - not that I haven't tried!!  Alright, Jessica is about to get up (ugh!), so I better make myself a flirtini to get me in the right frame of mind.  Later!

Covert Sabotage SUCCESSFUL!!

OMG!!!  It worked!!!  Jessica was gone all day today, and is packing a gym bag for tomorrow!!  I think I am free!!!  Readers, help me pray that this behavior of staying out of the Pants' day to day business is not a fluke and will continue!!  

Dog Park Sunday!

Oh reader peeps!  There are few things that the Pants loves more than going to the dog park (Let's see, Cafferty, the Big Guy, greenies....that's about it) and this past Sunday Jessica and the Big Guy took me there!! It was totally awesome!! Check out the sweet view of downtown Austin from the park:

It's my town bitches!!

After the Big Guy scored a rock star parking spot (a real rock star, not some poser like Dave Groehl.  Seriously Dave, you were in freaking Nirvana!!  The Foo Fighters suck!!) we headed to the orgy of fun that is the dog park!

Wow, check out chunksters on the right!

I was not pleased that we couldn't smuggle in our flirtini glasses and booze because of the silly park "rules" that Jessica insisted on following.  One more reason why she is NOT COOL! (that and her forehead is gross!)

No glass or alcohol? WTF dog park Nazis!

After accepting the alleged "rules" of the park, the Pants started to get a sweet workout in. Jessica caught me doing a very advanced Jillian Michaels' front hop in the picture below! Be warned, do NOT try this at home! I've been doing Jillian's 30 day shred., so I was ready for it.  Jillian's shred is some serious butt kicking...but check out how tight my core is!

Hey Big Guy, you TIVOed Biggest Loser right?

Once my workout was over, and my buns of steel were totally tight, I found some new dog peeps to chill with. This is me with my new pals - the big one is Walter, named after Walter Matthau!  His jokes were legendary and the Pants rolling in the field and begging for more!

Hey Walter! Tell me the joke about how stupid this little dog behind me is again!!

It was not all greenies and sunshine this day though peeps, because right in the middle of the dog park - I totally met a REAL LIFE BEAR! For serious!!!  It's human owner said it was a "Mastiff" but the Pants knows code lingo when the Pants hears it. For your safety readers pay attention: "Mastiff" is Austin code for "Grizzly Bear." I've always wondered how I would react in the face of a real-life bear attack!!  Would I: (a) be like Stephen Colbert and slay him like a fearless warrior from times long ago; (b) be like Baxter in Anchorman and become friends; or (c) be like Jessica, cower in fear, and quickly be devoured? Turns out not only did we become fast friends, but check out Mastiff totally cowering in the Pants presence!!

No need to bow Mastiff Bear!!  But I still am reporting you to Colbert's "Threatdown".

After my bear encounter, I needed to cool down a bit, so I strolled down to the banks of beautiful Town Lake (Sorry, but I'm not calling it Lady Bird Lake because it sounds totally stupid.  Sorry Lady Bird!  I still like your Wildflower Center!)

Oh the wet wonder that is you Town Lake!!

After carefully evaluating all the places to jump in, I totally went for a quick dip!

Michael Phelps has nothing on me yo!

Then it was onto the best time of the day!!

To quote Britney: "Ecstasy, Ecstasy, Ecstasy!!"

Of course, how quickly things can change from good to bad.

 Someone please help!!!  Not my owner! Help!

Then it was chillin' time!

Until we meet again dog park! Until we meet again.

Movie Review: Man on Wire

After reading that my main man Roger Ebert (or "Roger the Dodger" as I call him. LYLAS Rog!) referred to this documentary as a "First Rate Thriller" the Pants was totally excited to see it!!  So the Big Guy and Jessica snuggled up with me on the couch and we hit play on the DVD player (Well, technically the Big Guy did.  Jessica has no idea how to work it because she's so stupid! LOL!).  So apparently in 1974 this loony french guy the documentary is based on walked across a highwire strung between the twin towers of the World Trade Center 8 times!! What makes someone do this? The intrigue! The craziness! The courage!!  So I did what any Pants would do, I did a running diary:

0:01 - Some french guy is talking. He is really weird.  I'm kind of sleepy.

0:02 - Hard to keep eyes open....these people are dumb!  Man, I am sooooooo sleepy.

0:03 - 1:45 - zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Okay, so I kinda slept through the movie and so did Jessica and the Big Guy!  Move over Nyquil, here comes "Man on Wire!"  It may not work as a drama, but as a sleep aid this film is top notch!!

As a movie, I give Man on Wire no paws, though I totally give the nap I took 4 paws!! It was a seriously good one!!!  

To All the Peeps I've Loved Before

Hey Readers!  Happy 2009!  Man, 2008 was a BIG year for the Pants!  Thankfully, unlike Jessica and the Big Guy, I still have a job (my Waffle House (pronounced "Wafflee Hoose") franchises are doing better than ever - in case you didn't know, I own a string of Waffle Houses throughout Texas, I keep my cash in the backyard so that Jessica cannot get at it and buy things), and, unlike them, I'm a little sad to say good bye to 2008.  So, as a tribute to the late, great 2008, here is a little recap of my 2008 adventures, with a special tribute to all the peeps who the Pants visited and who visited the Pants this past year!!!  

2008 started out with a BANG at an awesome party at Frito Guy's house!!

Still HILARIOUS!

Then Jessica and the Big Guy took a trip to L.A. and saw Uncle Brian and Cousin Moe. I did not get to go with them. I stayed at home and watched out for the 'hood.

Thanks for the trip to L.A. bitches!

I did get to hone my babysitting skills hanging with my super cool peep LUKE FORD!! He rocks!

Um, Big Guy, can you get my toy back from him please?

Then, I got to go the Skaggs house and hang with my main man Sam and meet his little sister Jane Ann!! She is too cute!!

But her head smells weird!

Then, it was the MIGHTY TEXAS DOG WALK!! I got a little tired on the walk itself, but it was awesome to hang with MM and Sugar!!

Ignore the woman in the ND hat and the picture is much much cuter!

Because Jessica and The Big Guy got married in 2008, the Pants had a lot of visitors, both old and new!! Grandma Linda and Grandpa Jim came in for their stock the bar party and the shower thrown by the Cafferty.

STOCK THAT BAR!

I also made some new friends the weekend of the Cafferty shower, namely, the Nuge, his wife Rachel, and their little peep Jacqueline. Jacqueline is the littlest peep I've ever hung out with, and even though she seemed to think it was acceptable to pull herself up by grabbing my whiskers and received a lot more attention than the Pants would have liked, she was ok! But, she was not as awesome or fun as the NUGE!! Look at him and the Big Guy!! Hijinks!

LOL NUGE!

Grandpa John, Grandma Marilyn and Bro Person came down to check out the wedding venues!

Ok Grandpa, less reading, more petting.

Then came the greatest day ever!!!!  Boating!

Oh Buoy!

Seriously readers. Get a boat!! I cannot recommend it enough! Thanks again Sunny peep!!!

We are soooo good looking!

All in all, it was a great summer!!

Cheers to you too Grandpa!!!

Then came the wedding!! Although I wasn't invited (I'm still bitter), I did get to hang with some cool peeps that weekend anyway!! The NUGE was back. And Uncle Brian and his girlfriend Sara!

Get a room you two!

And my cool Florida family, Uncle Dick, Aunt Evelyn, Cousin Kerry, Cousin Kevin, Cousin Pat, and Cousin Joan!! It was a great day!!

Hmm, where am I? I wonder??

Then, when the Big Guy and Jessica got back from their honeymoon, it was time for a kick ass fall!!!

The Irish football season not included!

My other favorite Jen, Jen Porst, came to visit and we had an awesome time!! She made a great dinner in that room Jessica is afraid of, and she brought me cookies!!

I love you!

And she taught me how to play the Wii!!

Seriously, I love you!

Election night we had a kick ass party!! Rob and I bonded!

Easy buddy, your wife is RIGHT THERE! 

I also got to go to my first bar and had a heated political discussion with Troy. And Jessica got pooped on by several birds!! Bars are awesome!

I know!! Jessica got pooped on!! You were smart to wear a visor Troy!

Then, we had a visit from Jessica's friend Katie! Katie rocks and is the mom of Leo, the awesome Chicago dog who first told me about snow. Katie is so great, she could drink a beer, talk on the phone, and still pet the Pants at the same time!

It's called multi-tasking Jessica, look it up, I'm pretty sure it's a skill you listed on your resume!

Then, it was Thanksgiving time in Plano with Grandpa Jim, Grandma Linda, and Uncle Brian. Thanksgiving is a great holiday for humans as they eat and drink and eat and drink. I got to lay on the couch. Not as fun, but Uncle Brian totally entertained the Pants with his impression of Grandma!

LOL!

Next, blogger extraordinaire, and Pants lover Stara came to town for a visit! She totally loved on me and ignored Jessica!

I know, she NEVER stops talking! I feel your pain Stara!

Soon, it was almost Christmas, and the Pants began the seasonal festivities by partying at MM's house!!

Merry Christmas!

Along the way, there were many trips to the dog park, much cuddling with the Big Guy, and the continued slow wooing of the Cafferty!! I miss you 2008, but I am sure that 2009 will have many great moments for me as well! Not including this one.

Humiliation.

Happy New Year's Readers!