Before I get started, let me just say that the Pants would have been better off eating the rat poison that is in the garage (yes, we have a frekaing RAT in our garage!! I blame Jessica.) and choking on sweet, sweet death than having watched this grabage dump of a movie. I used to like the Indiana Jones!! Harrison Ford is way cool!! The movies were campy, yet fun!! So, they were a little far fetched, but the Pants was totally engaged in the storytelling and Indy's witty remarks!!! Remember in Raiders of the Lost Ark when he totally shot that sword guy?? Go Indy!!! Suffice it to say that this installation in the series did NOT meet expectations!! George Lucas should NOT be allowed to tamper with any more classic film series! For that matter, he should not be allowed out of his house for 2 years. He is a cheese-monster, and he may be replacing Jessica as the person the Pants dislikes the most. Bold statements from the Pants!!
Anyway, without further delay, here is the first installment of "Watchin' with the Pants": (note reader peeps. Please put your sarcasm shorts on for this one)
00:00 Heads up cheesy CGI prairie dog! Two seconds in, and the Pants is hating the George Lucas already!! Who needs prairie dogs??!! This is INDY! We don't need to "cute up" the movie!! The Pants does that already by watching it!! LOL!!
00:00 Lucasfilm Ltd? Oh crap. Well, that explains the lame prairie dog.
00:01 OMG there is a car full of crazy teens daring some army guys to drag race! Crazy!! OMG - the army guy totally starts drag racing and gets a frowny face from his supervisor! Crazy antics!
00:02 The army guys arrive at an army base that is closed for weapons testing.
00:03 Holy crap!! The army guys in the cars are not American army guys and they totally shoot the Colonel in charge and take over the base! Though the Pants is amazed that the army guys don't bleed at all after being shot 100 times. Nice CGI George!
00:04 Fat Man in a Little Trunk!
00:05 INDY!!! He's in another car trunk, but his hat is perfect! (I'm sure that the hat won't be overused at all in this movie - George is very, very subtle.)
THE START OF THE SUCK00:05 The fake army peeps are RUSSIANS! EVIL! (I like the Nazis better. Nobody can goose step their way into my heart like a Nazi! LOL).
00:05 Cate Blanchett is an evil Russian? Yay!! Love her!! Ring me up Cate! We'll chat, drink flirtinis and talk about how silly Elizabeth was!
00:06 Indy uses his spidey sense to deduce that Cate Blanchett is from the Ukraine! What a genius!
00:07 Apparently, they are at Area 51 and Cate wants Indy to find some box for her. (Not HER box like the Big Guy said. Oh pervy Big Guy!) Also, Cate likes fencing and Indy needs a compass! Silly Russians - they have no compass! Moral or otherwise! LOL me!
00:09 Indy asks for gunpowder instead of a compass because apparently, gunpowder floats through the air like a swarm of gnats towards magnetized boxes. Ummmm....okay. Apparently the Pants must not only suspend her disbelief but also the Pants' belief in gravity and basic physics.
00:10 Now shotgun shells fall onto the floor and THEN go towards the mysterious box. How come gravity works on shotgun shells but not gunpowder? Newton would be pissed!!
"GRAVITY STILL WORKED IN 1957 YOU ASSFACES!!!"00:11 They find the magnetic box and it attracts all of the magnetic material they have!! (Pants doesn't understand why it didn't do this immediately, but such is the way with magical magnetic boxes.) It even attracts Cate's fencing sword! LOL!
00:11 What could be in the box?? (Please be the face melting thing from Raiders of the Lost Ark!! That thing was freaking awesome!)
00:12 They open the box and there is some kind of mummy thing inside. (The Big Guy thought it looked like a ninja. Methinks the Big Guy is already disgusted with the movie.) Cate admires its hands, Indy uses his whip to get a gun, the fat guy from the trunk (his name is Mac) is actually not Indy's friend! He is helping the Russians! Et tu Fat Guy?! Poor Indy!! Too trusting! He's like Audrina hoping that Justin Bobby will treat her right! He's never going to put you first Audrina! You idiot!!
00:14 LOL!!! Indy shoots a Russian in the foot and escapes in a melee of hijinks!!! Yay Indy hijinks!
00:16 OMG! Indy's hijinks start some kind of countdown which launches a rocket that Indy escapes on!! When it stops there is a PRAIRIE DOG! Hey Georgie, where's Jar Jar? How about some gay Ewoks while you're at it?
00:17 So apparently Area 51's big secret was a missle thing that shoots off very fast and goes for like 2 miles. What technology!! No wonder they had to keep it so reclusive and hidden.
00:19 Indy, alone in the desert, finds a town and goes into one of the houses. But, it's a house full of mannequins. Creepy! The Pants hates mannequins. Pants thinks they might come alive at any moment. They must be closely watched at all time! Much like squirrels!! Mannequins have no expressions and don't understand logic - they are like the attendees at a Republican national convention!
00:20 Pants was right!! Indy touches a mannequin and sets off some kind of nuclear countdown!!! This is a crazy desert...so many countdowns!! Pants has a hard enough time counting up! The Pants also likes the Counting Crows. I like to put on "Mr. Jones" and just rock out!
00:21 Indy hides in a fridge as the town is nuked! The fridge is thrown into the desert! Indy is fine and sees . . . wait for it. . . PRAIRIE DOGS! Screw you George Lucas!! (Why were none of the other fridges safe from the nuclear testing? How can Indy be like a mile away from the blast and not die from radiation? The Pants apparently should cease asking logical questions.)
00:21 This movie sucks shit.
00:22 American FBI guys give Indy a very weird, uncomfortable bath, then question him, denigrate his life's work and call him a traitor!! That is NOT cool FBI! That's my homeboy Indy you're talking to!
00:23 Thirty seconds later, Indy is no longer under questioning and is immediately given access to highly classified documents. Obviously, this is a logical chain of events. The Pants is now going to bang her head into the wall.
00:24 Cate Blanchett works for Stalin as a psychic scientist! I wonder if he lets her call him "Joey Hot Pants"?
"Check out my hot pants Russian chicks!"00:25 Jim Broadbent is the Dean at Indy's college!! Pants also loves Jim Broadbent!! Apparently Cate Blanchett, Jim Broadbent and Indy needed some paychecks. The FBI aggressively searched Indy's office and the Dean resigned because of the injustice! Go Dean!! Indy must now take an "indefinite leave of absence." Hey! Both Jessica and the Big Guy have got "indefinite leaves of absences" too! Poor Indy!!
00:26 Indy: "I'll wire you when I get there." Ummm...you'll "wire" him? How about calling him on a phone? It's 1957, not 1857!
00:27 Dad and Marcus are dead. Indy keeps their pictures on his desk. He is lonely. Oh hello there cute picture of Sean Connery!! You were awesome as Indy's dad and even better on SNL!! "The rapists!" LOL!! Thank goodness you had the sense to be dead for this crappy flick.
"I'll take 'Famous Titties' for $400 Alex" LOL!00:28 Indy gets on a train to go somewhere. Shia LaBoeuf shows up on a hog and Jessica, the Big Guy and the Pants are laughing hysterically! What a loser!! He thinks he is Marlon Brando in the Wild One. That was a pretty good movie. Maybe the Pants can go in the other room and watch that instead.
MARLON BRANDO: THE LAME VERSION00:29 Boof's character is named "Mutt." Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the crappiest movie ever!
00:31 Boof and Indy have a REALLY boring conversation. The Pants is looking at the extras to keep the Pants awake. Boof is a "greaser". His mom is in trouble. The Pants does not care. He is also sarcastic!! He has letters that the KGB wants!
00:33 Two KGB guys assault them and Shia and Indy start a serious fifties-style brawl!! Indy says that Boof brought a knife to a gun fight! LOL Indy! If you had also said he brought a lack of acting talent too that would have been SO dead on!
00:33 The Greasers and Socs are fighting! Where is C. Thomas Howell?? This is more like C. Thomas Suck.
HEY PONYBOY!!00:34 They escape via many too-tedious-to-describe hijinks. At least there were no prairie dogs involved. Though that doesn't mean Lucas didn't try to put some in.
"ISA LIKE CAR CHASES!!" 00:36 Remember that super exciting car chase in the Bourne Supremacy?? Well, this chase is nothing like that whatsoever.
00:37 Ok, the Pants drifted off for a minute and completely lost track of what is going on. Apparently some conquistator got lost looking for a skull. But Indy immediately figures out that it is in Latin America! Go Go Gadget Brain! Some guy named Ox wrote a riddle in a dead language, but of course, Indy solves it immediately! It says the skull is in Peru!
00:38 Indy and Boof head to Peru by flying over a fake map!
00:38 Boof brings his bike on the plane! What a greaser! Pants wonders if "greaser" is another term for giant nerd.
00:30 Indy and Boof walk by like 5 nuns, but Indy only says "Sister" to one of them, which must make the other 4 super jealous because all the Peruvian nuns are TOTALLY crushing on Indy!!
00:40 Strolling through Peru, Indy gives Boof some fatherly advice. Foreshadowing perhaps??? (Seriously, it is a question, the Pants does not know what foreshadowing means.)
00:41 Oh, the KGB blend so well in Peru! Masters of disguise!
00:42 Apparently Ox was in a jail guarded by nuns (SCARY)! Ox has a lovely cell that he decorated with lots of art. Too bad some men with guns took him away before he could finish decorating it with pictures of lovely skulls and jibberish!
00:43 Boof cries. Not very "greaser-y" of him. It's okay Boof, at least you weren't in both the crappiest Indy movie of all time and also a crappy remake of "Rear Window!" Oh...wait....
REAR WINDOW: THE SUPER DOUCHEY VERSION!00:44 Boof sweeps. I smell Oscar!! Such versatility from the Boof!
SWEEP THAT FLOOR BITCH!!00:44 Ok, so Ox is someone named Harold Oxley and he found the conquistador's grave! Good for you Harold! Now Indy and Boof are going to go to the grave for some reason.
INDY AND THE BOOF!00:45 Boof falls down. Suck it Boof!!
00:45 Monkeys!! The new Prairie Dog!
00:47 Ahhhhh!!!! Scorpions!!! They freak the Pants out!!
00:48 OMG! Boof can't believe they found skulls in the graveyard place!! He also can't believe electricity doesn't leak out of the walls. Boof is a moron. However, the Pants is not surprised. Snore. I wonder if I'm cute enough will the Big Guy will give me a greenie? Or perhaps a tranquilizer to allow me to sleep through at least an hour more of this garbage?
00:49 Boof really shouldn't speak. I wonder if that would make this movie any better? Shut up Boof! The Boof! It's fun to say!
00:50 OMG!! Booby traps in the creepy old burial place!! Quelle surpriese! (A little French thrown in for you Boof!) Indy tells Boof not to touch anything. Wise Indy. Wise.
00:50 "You don't have a knife do you?" LOL Indy!! This movie may suck but you are still my little adventurer!
00:51 They find the conquistador mummy. Boof does some fancy knife flipping while the Pants contemplates suicide. Pants wonders how much studying under knife-masters Boof did to prepare for this role.
00:52 Someone has already been there but did not take any gold or artifacts. WTF! Wait, there are more magnets!! Indy says "Unbelievable!" Pants agrees, but not for the same reason. Indy finds the crystal skull! The Pants still does not care!
00:54 Wait a minute says Indy, gold and crystal are not magnetic??? (BTW - if Indy hadn't found a crystal skull before, how did he know what was in the box that Cate wanted at Area 51? Oops, logical question alert! Bad Pants!)
00:55 Ox returned the skull, but why? "Who cares" says Pants!! I want some greenies and a belly rub! Time to do "the Cafferty" to the Big Guy!!!
00:56 Good belly rub Big Guy!! Keep going!! Oh - there is more fake map flying and a Commie dance party!! Ain't NO party like a Commie dance party!! CCCP in the mother flipping house yo!
CHECK OUT THIS SERIOUS BAD ASS COMMIE DANCE PARTY!!! CRANK THAT ABBA YO!!! LOL!!!00:57 Mac calls them "con-quess-ti-doors"! Oh Mac!! Your pronunciantion skills are equaled only by your ability to manage your weight and your lack of horniness for gold!
00:58 Creepy Cate Blanchett! Don't touch Indy's knees!! He's like 80 years old!! Leave Grandpa Indy alone!! You could give him a 4 hour erection if you're not careful!
"VIAGRA: GETTING GRANDPAS AND INDY JONES OFF SINCE 1998!"00:58 Cate Blanchett says the Commies are making a mind weapon and the skull is made by aliens. And yes, that is all the explanation given. It is truly shocking that they lost the Cold War.
01:00 Apparently there is a city of aliens called Agator or something. (Agator Spartacus! LOL Hank Azaria!) Ox is with the Commies doing a crazy dance. Oh no, Ox is played by Sir Ian McKellan! Cha-ching! Really, are these people that hard up for cash?! The Pants has no cash, but at least she has her dignity!
01:00 "Control of the greatest power in the universe." What? of the Big Guy's farts? LOL!!!
01:01 The skull's crystal opens a psychic channel (though Time Warner probably wouldn't carry it), and Cate wants Indy to look into its eyes. He does and he is hypnotized by the skull! Words cannot do justice to the stupidity of this scene.
01:03 All the Commies are happy because they are going to use the skull to turn everyone into Commies! Great Plan! I think that's what Sarah Palin thinks Barack Obama is going to do to all of us in America! Whatever. Where is the Boof??!!
01:04 The Boof!!! Boof is sad and misses his bike. Oh those greasers!! So tough!
01:05 OMG! Marion! Run Marion!!! Get off the set if you know what's good for you!!
01:06 Witty arguing between Marion and Indy! Such sexual tension!
01:06 Oh no! Didn't Ian McKlellan watch "Tropic Thunder?" You can't go full retard!!!
THE LAMENTABLE RESULTS OF GOING FULL RETARD01:07 Indy agrees to help the Commies so they don't kill Marion. Blanchett is an idiot because she didn't figure out that crazy Ox needed a pen and paper to write. Stupid Commies. Boof knows Ox. Ox doesn't seem to give a crap. Or maybe he is taking a crap. The Pants stopped caring an hour ago.
01:07 It looks like Ox drew a picture from the Atari game Pitfall.
The Big Guy says this game was hard. Maybe. The Pants just thinks this game looks dumb.01:08 OMG!!! Indy solves another riddle in like 2 seconds! Boof all of a sudden starts punching Russians and setting things on fire. He's like Mike Tyson crossed with Beavis!! They all run through the jungle and land in a dry sand pit.
01:10 Indy and Marion are sinking (Dear Lord,please let them sink and let this be over). But, they still have time to argue!! LOL!! Witty sexual banter tension in the face of death!!! How do they come up with this genius dialogue?? OMG Mutt is Indy's son!! Poor Indy, stuck with Mutt now. I'd just keep sinking if it was the Pants. Now Indy wants him to go back to school. Boof comes back to the save the day with...a 20 foot long snake. Not a branch, but apparently an anaconda. Of course he does.
01:11 Indy is still afraid of snakes!! They laugh and laugh! Why did the Big Guy just take that whole jar of pills and get some razor blades? He must be tense and wants to shave.
01:12 Surprise, Ox went to get help and brought back the Russians! Yay Ox!
01:12 And thus ends potentially the stupidest scene of all time.
01:13 Revelation time - Indy left Marion a week before they were supposed to get married!! Indy did just what I told the Big Guy to do!! Oh Big Guy, you are such a sucker! The sexual tension banter is even annoying the Russians who gag Marion!! Thank you Russians!! Go Comrades!
01:14 OMG! Indy and Boof kick Russians the same exact way!! Genetics!!
01:15 Indy kicks the Russians out of the truck! Witty sexual tension banter ensues about why Ox stayed friends with Marion and not Indy. Doesn't seem like too big a loss to Indy, mainly because Ox seems to suck balls.
01:15 A missle launcher! A blade that defies gravity! Really crappy CGI! This movie really does have it all!
01:16 Cate catches the skull. Ox says "Henry Jones, Jr." Yes, Ox, that's right. Good job Simple Jack!
01:16 The Pants didn't think jungles had this many roads in them! Seriously, it's like I-35 in there right now!
01:17 Hijinks ensue while escaping from the Russians!! Boof and Cate fence and throw the skull back and forth between trucks!! Boof gets hit in the penis!! LOL! Mac tells Indy he is a double agent. Indy is apparently good at solving riddles, but not at reading people. Or at getting out of bad movie deals.
01:19 This movie officially makes "Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom" look like "The Godfather."
01:21 Cate is kicking Boof's ass!! Yay! He calls Indy "Daddy-O"! OMG!! LOL!!! Crazy greaser language!! What is he talking about??? Ah, youth. So wacky!
01:22 The overly cute monkeys teach Boof how to swing in the trees like Tarzan!! Fun!! Zip-lining for losers! Maybe Boof can be in a really crappy 4th sequel of Spiderman and help ruin that franchise too!
01:23 Oh no! Boof's coif is messed up. Get a comb Boof! Stat!
01:24 Monkeys attack Cate! She fights them off by tapping into her lust for a paycheck that got her into this predicament.
01:25 HOLY CRAP!!! GIANT ANTS!!! THEY ARE EVERYWHERE!!!! The Pants is going under the bed!!!
01:26 I still hear ants. I am NOT coming out!!! Those things were SERIOULY SCARY!
01:27 SCREW YOU Big Guy!!! And you too for laughing Jessica!!! The Big Guy said the ants were gone, and I came out to watch and they totally weren't! They are freaky man!!!
01:28 Ok, I'm back. Apparently Indy's hat survives the ant attack. The Big Guy told me that Ox used the skull to repel the ants. Of course he did. Marion drives the land boat off a cliff, it lands on a tree (that she could not have possible seen from the cliff), and falls safely into the water. OF COURSE IT DOES!
01:30 The car is also a boat. They go over a waterfall. Ox says "Three times it drops." Hopefully Indy can figure out that riddle!!
01:31 OMG!!! There are three waterfalls!! This is stupid. Rub my belly Jessica!!
01:31 Good belly rub! Better!
01:32 With no protective gear, they all just survived a 100 foot fall into rocks and death. OF COURSE THEY DID!!! They aren't even scratched. Transformers was more believable than this!!
01:32 The crazy guy Ox is totally overacting!! Like me when I'm trying to get crackers from the Big Guy!
01:32 Apparently the skull told Indy that he had to return it. They arrive at a weird temple with paintings. Look at the crazy paintings!! I think this was during Picasso's "Alien" period. The aliens taught the natives all about farming and irrigation. The aliens have big brains! Better to hold all of their farming knowledge! God, they've even managed to make aliens boring as shit.
01:34 A painting of 13 aliens on the wall holding hands and apparently playing Red Rover. Red Rover, Red Rover let ALF come over!! LOL ALF!! I love when he kept trying to eat cats!! That's ALF! Living the dream!
01:34 Indy asks Ox to show them the way. What a great idea - follow the guy that is in full retard mode!! He's like a male Governor Palin!
01:35 OMG!!! Natives come out of the ceiling and walls!!! They are wicked mad and chase the group into the temple square or something. But wait!! Ox pulls out the skull, and the natives are totally in awe of it!! Silly natives!! So primitive!! No wonder you needed help with irrigation and farming!
01:36 Mac wonders where all the gold is. Mac sure does have a boner for gold! (LOL, I said "boner", this might be NC-17 with that kind of edgy talk) The obelisk is the Key? WTF?? They knock skulls off to release sand that makes the obelisk move in four parts and then they sink into the sand and encounter - MORE BOOBY TRAPS!!! (Bet you thought I was going to say Prairie Dogs! God knows I was expecting them.)
01:38 This is dumber than Boo-Bah. I'm sorry Cousin Moe, but it is. This movie is full retard.
GAYEST. SHOW. EVER.01:39 Boof will do anything to prevent his parents from making out. I have a skeleton for you! I have a crystal skull for you!! I pooped my pants!! Oh Boof.
01:40 I think this is the same set they used for Goonies! Cool!! I want to see Chunk and Sloth!!
"ROCKY ROAD!!!"01:40 Jessica looks ridiculous curled up on the couch. I wish I had a crystal skull to throw at her! Also maybe some opposable thumbs so I could really wing it at her!
01:40 Meanwhile, the Big Guy looks awesome laying on the couch, although the look on his face is the same one he has each week when Jessica makes him watch the Hills. Poor Big Guy!!
01:41 OMG!! The aliens were archaeologists! No wonder they wanted to visit with Indy! There are artifacts from everywhere. Indy approaches a door that looks like the guys that said "RA-DI-O" on Sesame Street.
01:43 They go into a room with whole skeletons made of crystal! How exciting!! I bet one is missing its head!! I was right!! This movie continues to surprise and thrill me with its ingenuity and awesomeness.
01:44 And, here come the Russians. Mac is a triple agent. Cate puts the skull back on the skeleton and starts talking. What the hell are you talking about Cate. Whatever. Go Irish! Go UTEP!
01:45 The skeleton starts talking Mayan to Ox. The Pants is now whining to be taken out.
01:46 "I've got a bad feeling about this" LOL Han Solo!! er...I mean Indy!
01:46 The aliens want to give them a gift. Cate says she wants to know everything that they know. I bet that is a bad idea CATE! They do something with their eyes and the temple falls down. What is it with Indy always destroying temples?? Wouldn't that make him a crappy archaeologist? Though I guess it means he is always creating artifacts for others.
01:47 Boy, "Saving Private Ryan" seems like a long time ago huh Mr. Spielberg?
BACK WHEN SPIELBERG DIDN'T SUCK ASS!01:47 Mac wants gold!! Ox can talk again!! I have to poop!!
01:48 A portal opens to another dimension and it sucks up all the Russians. Maybe it was to a portal to somewhere where communism actually works! Or to Narnia! Or to a world without Fox News! But for serious, that is what just happened. The Pants is very confused and bored. Just hurry up and END ALREADY! I HAVE TO POOP!
01:49 Indy runs off but he won't leave Mac, even though Mac is now a quadruple agent!
01:50 Cate gets all the aliens' knowledge, but unfortunately she doesn't use protection and she also gets alien herpes!! All the skeletons combine to make one skeleton! This might be scary if it wasn't so freaking dumb! Cate doesn't like it and her eyes catch on fire. She, and everything else are sucked up to Narnia. Bye Cate! See you in Elizabeth 3!! But our merry travelers escape via a geyser! The geyser makes it look like the temple pees them out. I need to pee too!!! The temple town is destroyed and a spaceship emerges from the ground. It goes "into the space between spaces." OMG whatever!! Don't forget to pick up ET. He is in L.A. trying to phone home!
01:53 Knowledge was the aliens treasure. You know what my treasure is? Greenies. That, and this movie ending soon.
01:53 Oooh, maybe Boof will go back to school Indy calls him Jr. Boof calls Indy dad! Aww! Ox is surprised!! Pants hates them all.
01:54 Grandpa is laughing - it would be great, and not all together unexpected in this pile of crap movie, to see Sean Connery's head floating in the sky!
01:55 Back at home - old guy running! Indy is associate dean! Indy and Marion get married in a really ugly church! By Hitler!! Getting married by Hitler is a bad omen Indy!! Not as bad as signing on for this steaming dump of a movie, but bad nonetheless! Oh Marion. You waited for like 30 years and finally got your man!! Go Marion!! Feminism loves you!
01:56 Ok, so, Ox got a haircut, Marion is horny, Boof is jealous and clearly has mother issues, Indy's hat rolls to Boof (more subtlety from our boy Lucas), but Indy grabs it first! LOL!! Oh Indy!! You and your HAT!! The Prairie dogs and monkeys are the ushers and bridesmaids!!! What an adventure. THE END.
The Pants gives the new Indy Jones 1 paw out of a possible 4! Thank you Messrs. Lucas and Spielberg for that multimillion dollar turd sandwich.
Now, I really must poop.
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