Puzzled Pants

So, the other night Jessica and the Big Guy took me out for a walk. We were walking along, and I was sniffing and pooping and peeing all over people's yards, and just generally having a grand old time, when we came upon a group of kids that had a little dog with them. The little dog ran over to the Pants because I am very attractive (seriously, I get hit on all the time, it is SOOOOO annoying!), and we started sniffing each other, as dogs do. Then, the little dog lifted his leg to pee on the stop sign, and I stuck my head under there so that I could get a really good sniff!!! Well, Jessica was all "Clancy, that's so gross! What, do you want to get peed on!" This was the face I gave her . . .



I mean WHAT!! Seriously, that is when you get the best smell, the total essence of the other dog!! So of course I was going to go for it. I don't care if I get some pee on my head!!! I mean seriously, weigh in people, am I right, or am I right??? (hint - I am right - Jessica, as usual, is WRONG!)

LSU

Dear LSU,

I hate you, so very, very much.

Sincerely,

Pants.

Rice Baseball

Sunday was a rough day for the Pants. I'm a huge Rice Baseball fan!! Let's go Rice!!!!  The Big Guy was a kick-ass shortstop there back in the 90's, and my main guys Frito Guy and Tim played there too!!  So when Rice makes it to the College World Series I get pretty nervous.  But on Sunday Rice was back in the World Series.  And they did it in a totally awesome way - they beat UT AND A&M!!!  I know Bro person goes to A&M, and they did fix my nose, but A&M is full of too many Aggies!!!  Here was me before the Rice game...I like to cuddle up with the Big Guy's old uniform, it gives me confidence (and is SERIOUSLY cute)!!!

With Rice facing Fresno St., I was pretty excited since I like to refer to Fresno St. as "Crap Central". I mean seriously, who wants to live in Fresno?? Losers that's who!!! Well, apparently losers who are really good at baseball play there too because by the time it took Pants to walk around the block it was like 11-0! It was tough to watch, and Rice ended up losing 17-5.  I took it pretty hard and hit the liquor cabinet by the 5th inning:

I do like the Maker's Mark.  The Pants got toasted!!  But I totally remembered!! Liquor before beer, you're in the clear!! Beer before liquor, never sicker!!

I am a bit ashamed, but once I was trashed, I totally got on the computer and did some drunk blogging and myspacing:

So all in all it was a crappy baseball day.  The Pants is totally pulling for Rice against LSU on Tuesday!!!

In which Clancy protests unjust imprisonment and supports equal treatment for all canines . . .

Okay!! So, I know that I have been blogging a lot today, but I have a lot to say after such an exciting weekend, and now that I have the house to myself I finally have the time to get it all out!!! Plus, who doesn't want to see me!! I am so cute!!!

Anyway, as posted below, I was very very ill on Friday. I was ill all over the house. But, mainly I was ill in the guest room. However, no one told the Pants that we were having guests this weekend, much less that the guests would include one of my favorite humans, Tim! This is Tim!

Or that it would include one of my new favorite humans, Kelli! Or, most importantly, that it would include one of my favorite dog peeps and loyal reader, Harli!!! If the Pants knew this, I would have directed my poops to Jessica's bed. Specifically, Jessica's side of the bed. Preferably, under Jessica's pillow!! Anyway, after Jessica cleaned up the mess, I learned that all of these fabulous visitors were coming to stay the night. Oh man!!! I was so excited I could hardly contain myself!! This would be MY first guest at the new house. I hosted my cousin Moe at my old crib, but Harli would be my first peep at the House of Payne!!! So exciting, and so much to do!!! Okay, I really didn't do much, but I did keep watch for the visitors, and sure enough, soon Tim was at the window!!!!!! Again, this is Tim!

He totally scared the Big Guy, but I just laughed and laughed!! I'm sure you can see why, I mean, Hello, Men Cooking!!! DANGER!!!! LOLOLOL!!!!! That Tim is such a card!!! LOL!!! He totally gets me ROTFL!!!!!! AR! (Acronyms Rule!) Anyway, I greeted my buddy Harli with a friendly bark, and we sniffed each other and caught up on old times. Harli and I first met at Frito Guy's New Year's Eve party!!!! (Where I was made to wear this embarrassing headwear)

And we totally hit it off!! Harli is much larger and faster than the Pants. She also has teeth of steel!! She totally ate the Pants's new Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Toy on New Year's!! But that is okay. I just stayed away from her teeth!!!! Harli came in and we ran around and she played with my Garfield toy and I showed her where I had pooped in the house, and she gave me a high five and was like "Way to go!!! I totally LOVE the smell of POOP! Tim and Kelli can deal with it!!" I thought Harli was being a bit harsh, since the Pants loves the Tim and Kelli, but I soon found out that Harli had her reasons!

Jessica, the Big Guy, Tim, and Kelli were all heading out Friday night to a happening club!!! But I was cool with that because that I meant Harli and I would be left alone to crack open a bottle of Chardonnay, or make ourselves some flirtinis, and talk about cute boys and catch up!!! I was so excited that, had I any poop left, I totally would have pooped on the floor again!!! But, as they were getting ready to leave, Tim and Kelli did something horrible!!! They totally put Harli in a CAGE!!! They imprisoned the Harli for no reason! I mean, she is big and kind of clumsy, but you can't fault her for that!!! That is no reason for prison!!! UNJUST!!! UNFAIR!!! The Pants was NOT AMUSED!!! I gave them a good glare when they left. They knew how unhappy I was!! I'm positive that my protest was noticed, and possibly ruined their evening!! So, there I was, and Harli was in jail. I did my best to console her, but apparently, jail makes you tired, because all she wanted to do was sleep. Or maybe its because there is no room for the Harli to spread out and relax because it is PRISON!!!! Whatevs! They finally came home, let Harli out (I guess she did her time) and we got to play and cavort a bit more!!! Then, it was bed time. Harli went into bed with her peeps and I went with mine. But, she and I had totally planned on sneaking off later and drinking those flirtinis!!!! But low and behold, at 6:00 am - our appointed meeting time - I noticed that I TOO HAD BEEN UNJUSTLY IMPRISONED!!! I was imprisoned in the room with Jessica and the Big Guy!!! This was unacceptable!! A prisoner, in my own home!! I knew this was Jessica's fault, so I poked at her and whined, and scratched, but she had the nerve to say "NO!" to the Pants! Choice words will be doled out later.

So, FINALLY, I was set free, and Harli was set free as well!!!! I was still very mad about all of the injustice I had witnessed in my home, until the Big Guy and the Tim decided that we were going to go to Barton Springs and go swimming!!!! Oh, this was heaven for the Pants!! I love nothing more than swimming and then rolling in dirt!!! That way, the dirt gets in your fur really really good and your owners get mad and frustrated. (Poop on you Jessica!) So we all went to the Springs and Harli and I had the bestest time!!! Man, that Harli can swim!!! She is a regular female equivalent of Michael Phelps!!! (That is the only swimmer the Pants knows)!! And, we totally were getting admired by children and other older peeps as we were waiting to get into the water!!!! One time I had four kids petting me at once!!! It was soooo fun!!! Until, when the kids were leaving, one of them yelled "LATER MUTT!" Once again, the Pants's mind reeled with this slur!! The injustices were flying everywhere this weekend!!! And on what was supposed to be such a fun, enjoyable weekend for the Pants! I know I am a Mutt, but it is NOT COOL for a human to call me that. Only my other dog peeps can call me that!!! I was so mad, but Harli was able to talk me down and we totally cooled off in the water!!!! Good times!

So, then Tim and Kelli and Harli had to leave. I was totally going to say goodbye, but was too distracted with looking cute and prancing around!! I will catch them on the flipside!!!! Shout out to Harli!!! You are welcome anytime!!!! But, bring your own Garfield.

You may think this was enough excitement for the Pants, but there is more!!!!! We got home from giving me a bath (HATE! Although I do look and smell cute after!) and Jessica and the Big Guy announced that we were going to see Karen and Carl at their house of fun!!! That meant that I got to play with my favorite mini-human peep - LUKE!!!! Luke does not say much, he mostly follows the Pants around and says "dog" and points!!! It is very cute though, and he did not say "mutt", so the Pants doesn't mind! So, I was totally excited when we got to their house!! Jessica put my water dish up on the counter since Luke totally loves to play in my water!!! (We are so alike!) But stupid her, she didn't realize that Luke could totally reach the water!!!! LOL!!! He totally pulled the water down and it went everywhere!!! Then, he slipped and fell in the water!!! LOL!!!! It was totally like a movie!!! Good times!!!! But Karma caught up to the Pants later when I totally slipped and fell walking up the stairs!! But their are no hard feelings between me and the mini-peep! We are totally cool!

So, yesterday, I got some much needed sleep, and tomorrow, I am off to TAURUS!!! So, I will be offline for a bit. Thanks for tuning in peeps!!! Pants Out!

Chicken Bones and an Upset Tummy

I have learned a great big lesson reader peeps - sometimes my being sneaky and intelligent can backfire on the Pants.  Last Wednesday, Jessica and the Big Guy left some trash out, but set it up on top of the counter during the day.  However, they were silly enough to put it back on the ground once they both were home.  When they weren't paying attention, the Pants totally snuck in, and took the rest of a perfectly good, half-eaten chicken from HEB (there, everything's better!) and hid it on the other side of their bed.  Oh man...can you say good times???  I hid it really good, and since they were both sick all week, they just thought it was them that smelled.  How gross is that???  It could not have worked out better for the Pants!!!  Once they left for work the next day, who had a trash party?? THE PANTS!!!   I devoured that chicken and was having a great time, until my owners came home, and Jessica discovered my stash.

She started yelling about how there was a "carcass" on the ground.  Mmm...it was not a "carcass", but just the remnants of a delicious chicken from HEB!  Well they cleaned up everything and yelled at me enough to make me go under the bed for an hour. I mean, they were just going to waste that HEB chicken!!  Wasteful wastersons!

The next day I woke up with a HUGE stomachache my readers!!!  I know it's bad to go to the bathroom in the house, but I totally couldn't help it!!!  So while my owners were at work, I had accidents all day long...my tummy hurt so freaking bad!! That's when I realized that if you are a vegetarian like the Pants is, you can't eat an entire chicken....well at least not without pooping all over the house.  The house totally stunk and I felt a lot of shame.  On the plus side, Jessica cleaned up my poop which was pretty funny!!  I would have felt much worse if the Big Guy had to do it.

so the moral of the story, being sneaky and smart usually is pretty awesome, but sometimes it backfires!!  Also, I want to be in HEB commercials.  

Pants in Action - Mighty Texas Dog Walk

Happy Father's Day to my devoted readers!  The Pants does not know who my father is, he knocked up my mom and took off.  That father of mine was a true rolling stone, but not like the band (although he apparently DID get himself some satisfaction! LOL!!!)  Anyway, I hope all my reader peeps had a seriously good Father's Day.  

I'm going to make a post about this weekend (ummm...can you say BEST WEEKEND EVER!!??), but first I wanted to share some of my life with you guys.  I'm not some kind of blogger that doesn't post pictures of herself, or uses a fake name, or posts boring crap that people only read to make fun of....so here you go. For your visual enjoyment!!

Here are some pictures of me from the Mighty Texas Dog Walk last month (there were over 6000 dogs there! I sniffed some serious crotches that day my friends. Good times.).  It was really hot so if you notice, the Pants had a rough go of it after 2 of the 3 miles.  And seriously, 3 miles??? What do they think I am? Kenyan??  There was one of my fellow dogs that was taken off on a cart with an IV...scary times out there in Austin.  Despite this, I bravely forged ahead!

Here is me at the beginning with Jessica, and my homegirl MM and her dog Sugar. (notice how I'm trying to get away from Jessica. You would do the same readers. Trust me.)

Check out this view of downtown Austin from the start line. The Mighty Texas Dog Walk spares no expense!!

One of my favorite peeps from Taurus Dog Training who takes care of me every Tuesday!!  She is awesome and totally grabbed me for hugs!  I was hoping she would make Jessica go home and marry the Big Guy, but alas, it was not to be.

My first autograph!! This blog is totally taking off!!

We stopped for water and I totally told this joke that cracked the Big Guy up!!

It was over 90 degrees, and the Pants got seriously pooped.  Jessica earned some serious points by carrying me while the Big Guy told her that she was babying me.  Well Mr. Hot Shorts, you cover yourself in fur, take off your shoes. and walk 3 miles on short little legs!!  Hmmph.

Check out these spoiled bitches! 

Crossing the finish line.  I own you Dog Walk!

This is a very unbecoming picture, but shows just how wiped the Pants was.  It was good times and the Pants had fun, but the Pants is sooooooo glad the Dog Walk is just once a year!  All in all, a good day was had by all (but especially the Pants!)

The Bachelorette

Dear Dee-Anna,

You sent Fred home. You are dead to me.

Pants

Sex and the City Movie

Good morning peeps!! I saw the Sex and the City Movie last weekend and have been meaning to give my review. I was going to do it last night, but I got in a bit of trouble (more on that later), so suffice it to say, I was not in the mood to be on the computer blogging!

But, now I am, so here we go!! First, I would like to say that I love the Sex and the City!!! I loved watching the DVD's with the Big Guy, he had not seen it all on HBO, and neither had I, so it was a great bonding time!! We laughed and laughed over their silly clothes and randy ways! And - I will never forget the PUNS! So, I was very excited to see the movie and catch up with my girls - Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha!

The movie starts off four years later and all my girls are doing well! Carrie and Big are about to move in together and can I just say, Holy Spray Tan Mr. Big!!! Jeez - lay off the stuff - it does not make you look younger - just more orange!! Yikes!! The Pants was very scared by this orange monster appearing on the screen, but then the Big Guy told me who it was and I calmed down!!! Miranda and Steve are living in Brooklyn, with Brady, whose last name I am thinking must be Brady, so his name is Brady Brady, and that really bothers the Pants!!! But, he is a very stupid kid for someone who is supposed to be five, so I guess maybe calling him Brady Brady helps him remember his name! Charlotte and Harry have their adopted daughter Lily, who is also quite stupid, and as someone who was adopted myself, I know that being adopted doesn't make one stupid - maybe it is because they just let her sit around, and play with her hair, and color her stupid princess coloring books. I don't know! This also annoys the Pants. Finally, Samantha is living in L.A. with Smith, who plays like a doctor on T.V. or something - this whole plot line annoyed the crap out of me! Plus, watching 50 year old Samantha lust after her neighbor, who shows us his cock and balls by the way, was really kind of disturbing to watch - on many levels, not the least of which was the aforementioned cock and balls. Now, I know that Sex and the City is supposed to objectify men in some way, yada, yada, but seriously, I think maybe the reason we don't see many cock and balls in movies is because NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THE COCK AND BALLS! They are gross and not very attractive. The Pants had to put down her reese's pieces during that scene. Very uncomfortable. Plus, as a Scientologist, I am pretty sure looking at cock and balls is against my religion.

Anyway, Carrie and Mr. Big decide to get married, but he runs away when he sees her in that hideous bird hair piece thing she is wearing. Now, I can't say I blame the Mr. Big for this, the Pants was immediately on edge and went in to stalking mode when the bird appeared on screen, but again, the Big Guy explained that it was just her head piece and I sat down. So, he runs away, and as I said, good move, but then changes his mind, but she is already HUMILIATED, so she has to go to Mexico with her girls!!! Jessica and the Big Guy are going to Mexico for their honeymoon as well, so they were all, "oh, Mexico, it's going to be so fun, etc." well - bite me says the Pants. I am going to be staying in Plano with grandpa - how exotic!!! Anyway, Mexico is great, especially when Charlotte poops her pants!! This was hilarious!! And it made her so much more relatable as a character!! I mean, if I wore pants, I would certainly poop in them a lot, as it is, I have to be taken outside when the urge strikes, so I totally understand Charlotte, and now I like her!! Plus she is pretty, and I think she would make a much better dog owner than Jessica!

Also, Steve cheated on Miranda because she doesn't wax her va jay jay or something. I don't know, this was all so absurd to the Pants. Steve would never cheat on Miranda!!! He worships her!!! He is her bitch!!! And someone's bitch can't cheat on the bitch master, it is like a rule of the universe, the Pants knows this, the writers of the Sex and the City movie clearly, do not!

Anyway, the girls come back from Mexico, and Carrie redoes her apartment, hires an assistant who designs her a website and is looking for LOVE ("GAG"), and eventually figures out that she let the wedding get "bigger than BIG"! PUNS!!!! Meanwhile, Charlotte gets knocked up and has another baby girl, which prompts Harry to say, "we have a Lily and a Rose!" Congrats Harry!! What are you opening a retirement village or soemthing!! Let me call up Dorothy, Blanche and Sophia and we'll have a kick ass party at your place!

Anyway, it all winds up neatly, and the girls are back together in the City. It was kind of fluffy and pointless, but still fairly enjoyable, if only because it reminds the Pants of her girls and flirting with cute boys! So, the Pants gives the Sex and the City Movie Three Paws!!!

Dog of the Day

Well, I am going to use this post to brag about myself a little (or a lot)! I have finally been named Dog of the Day at Taurus, my most favorite place in the world! http://www.taurusdogtraining.com/Framework/DOTD/DogOfTheDayDejaVuForm.php

I agree with pretty much everything they say about me, except for the part about the scruffy coat!!! The Pants is incredibly well groomed. That is one thing that I will say nice about Jessica, she brushes the Pants, removes stickers from the Pants's coat, and takes the Pants to get baths even when I don't want to!

Many of you may be wondering how I keep myself looking so adorable! Alas, I will not share my beauty secrets, oh, alright, I will!!! I begin each morning with a half a cup of dogfood, Nature's Recipe Vegetarian, http://www.petsmart.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2750329, I have very bad allergies and this food keeps me full, without hurting my ears, or my waistline!! I also take one Pet Tab vitamin a day! Very good for you! Then, it is outside for a quick trip to the bathroom. After Jessica and the Big Guy go to work, I usually nap and keep a watch on the neighborhood until my dogwalker Laura, (Yes, I am a snob with a dogwalker, LOL!!) comes to take me out for my daily fitness!! We walk and she plays with me, I love her - I wish she was my female owner! But, alas, I am stuck with Jessica. Then, I nap some more, or if fortune is smiling on the Pants, the Big Guy will have forgotten to take out the trash, and I can break in and have a TRASH PARTY! I cannot tell you how much good a trash party does for your skin and coat!!! BRILLS!!!!! However, if I have had a trash party, when Jessica and the Big Guy get home, I get scolded. (Although I am so cute that they really don't mean it, and I think they get a kick out of my "i'm sorry" routine)! If I don't have a trash party, they take me out again, and I get another 1/2 cup of food! This is the perfect amount for the Pants! Then I nap and play, go out again, and sleep the night away in bed with the big guy (if Jessica is not there) or in my bed (if she is there)! The Big Guy and I have cuddle time when she leaves for work in the morning!!

So, that, along with some regular brushing, is how the Pants stays looking so cute!!! That's all for now!! It's getting near time for someone to come home, and I am going to attempt to put the trash from the trash party away before they get home!! (Jessica is so stupid - she can never find where I hide it!) I will be back for more later!! Have fun playing chase like I do with my peeps and dogs at Taurus!!!

Sickness and ObamaRama

I'm typing this under the bed because Jessica is home with the Sick!! She's been sick for like a week and she made the Big Guy sick too!! This is not cool. All day she just lays around and sleeps and coughs and whines about how crappy she feels. Well, it's no picnic for the Pants either. I have to leave the room to not get breathed on! But then she will call me in where she is so that she can pet me. Umm...Pants don't play that.

I seriously think I just saw a germ the size of a roach float by. NOT COOL!!!

On the plus side, I am pretty pumped about Obama getting the nomination. Pants loves the Obama!! I am an independent, but I am totally onboard the Obama train. I keep telling everyone it's an OBAMANATION, but Jessica pretends she came up with it. She is so freaking lame!! Did I mention she's sick and smells weird??? That too. So this Obama guy is awesome with his fist bumping and his crazy preacher. THAT guy is Pants' most favorite person in the world!! I would love for him to rub my belly and drop some crazy on me. I could just sit there while he rubbed my belly and said things like "Pants, the chickens are coming home to roost because the white people rub money cologne on them and it smells like toothpaste!" LOL!! I'm going to ask the Big Guy if that guy can live with us in our guest bedroom. I bet he'll think it's a good idea, but then he'll ask Jessica and she'll cough and say something like "can you rub my head? it hurts." The Big Guy falls for it too. Come on Big Guy, wise up!

The West Wing

It is raining outside, so I am very terrified as I type this. I have brought my laptop under the bed in order to be fully protected from the rain and thuder. I hate thuder most of all! And yes, I have a laptop, the big guy and I both have laptops, do you know who doesn't have a laptop - Jessica!!! LOL!!!! It is so fun when the big guy and I are on our laptops and she has nothing to do but laundry!!!! LOL!!!!! She is so stupid she probably couldn't even work a laptop!! I can't believe she went to college, I mean she didn't go to UTEP, but she did get a degree - give me a break!!

Anyway, sorry for the tangent (the Pants has an outstanding vocabulary)! I have recently begun watching the first season of this show The West Wing on DVD. Well, Jessica and the Big Guy are watching it, so I get to enjoy it as well, I sit with the Big Guy and pretend Jessica doesn't exist! Very fun!!

This show is fascinating to the Pants. Everyone is so busy and running around and never getting any sleep. I don't understand how they do it! The Pants must sleep at least 18 hours a day or I am useless! Martin Sheen is the President of the United States (he has millions of peaches, peaches for me! LOL!) and he is a very good President and has to make very difficult decisions. Last night he got in a fight with the First Lady, (I initially typed "First Lay," which would work as well) and his daughter is getting death threats for dating a black man and Josh had to debate a potential nominee about reparations for slavery and Sam had to debate this woman who the Pants finds very annoying about school vouchers and Toby had to debate this other woman that the Pants HATES about Pandas!!!!! It is so difficult to follow, yet it enthralls the Pants! Especially the jaunty Hogwarts-esque music at the end of an episode, I love to dance to that music and pretend I have a wand like Harry Potter!!!!

So, the Pants gives the West Wing three and a half Paws, very good indeed. Although I must say that I think I would make a much better President than Martin Sheen. I could stop all arguments, wars, fights with the First Lay, etc. by rolling over, giving my best "Cafferty" look and having people RUB MY BELLY! It works every time. Seriously, the world would be a much better place if dogs ran the country and everyone went to UTEP!

I got a bath this week (Because I am the one who smells - whatevs), and I will post about my experience and the bath products I like later!!!!

The Thuder is getting worse, so I have to go! Pants Out!!!

Gas

If you can read this, please come save the Pants. Both Jessica and the Big Guy have bad gas this week. Not only that, but Jessica is sick and keeps coughing and keeping me up all night. It is loud and stinks in my house!!

I'm going to light some candles....crap. I don't have thumbs...I can't light any candles.

I'm going to hide under the bed.

Bachelorette

So Jessica and the Big Guy have been watching the "Bachelorette" on the tv. Holy god it is bad. I mean, I kind of listen along to the Bachelor to see which girl is going to start crying, but the Bachelorette is really lame-o. Most of them are serious douchebags! I think guys like Ron would only rub the Pants' belly if he was trying to impress Dee-anna. Dee-anna is stupid and annoying. If a cool girl is a greenie, then she is like a piece of lettuce. My owners need to stop watching this and start watching the Dog Whisperer or something cool. Ceezar is awesome! He never takes any crap from anyone. When he was on South Park I almost peed in the house I was laughing so hard.

Anyways, I give the Bachelorette only a half-paw. Bad times.

Chicago

My owners went to Chicago and some place the Big Guy kept calling "The Bend" this past weekend. Did they take the Pants with them? No! They left me with Laura (which was actually a lot of fun and I will discuss later) in Austin! What is wrong with this picture? (hint: It's Jessica) So while they were partying and having all the good times, I had to deal with Mozart, who is a super hyper poodle thing that likes to lick me. Totally gross!

So the last two nights since my owners have been back I've been hiding under the bed. They keep asking me "Hey Pants, what's the matter?" Ummm...you left me for four days you bastards! I mean seriously! although I did let them rub my belly. A little bit.