Who are the people in your neighborhood? I DON'T KNOW!!

Ok readers, I made a very disturbing discovery the other day. Read on if you dare.  Jessica actually took me for a walk the other day, and while we were out, I saw some strange creatures the likes of which the Pants has never seen!!  I have no idea what these creatures are or what they want with my 'hood, but as a prominent member of the neighborhood watch, I feel it is my duty to post their picture here.  I can only assume that they are terrible criminals who have invaded my 'hood to "hide out" or something.  WHO KNOWS!

Crestview's most wanted

Seriously!! What ARE these things?? I got as close as I dared to see if I could identify them.

Nope, no luck here!

Let me try it from another angle.

Nope, still not sure!!

I have eliminated squirrels and the black flying birds that poop all over Jessica and the Big Guy when they go to happy hours!! So, readers, if you have a clue what these creatures are, please let the Pants know! Until I gather more information, I am just going to continue to assume that they are dangerous, and keep a watchful eye on them on behalf of my 'hood!! Thank you readers!!

I'm watching you my feathered foes, don't try A THING!

Covert Sabotage Continues!

Ha ha readers!!  My covert sabotage against Jessica continues with a brilliant discovery by the Pants!  For a long time, the Pants has refused to lick Jessica's face, while lovingly lavishing kisses all over the Big Guy!  The reason for this is simple - Jessica's face tastes DISGUSTING!!!  Like Broccoli or Beer (the Pants HATES those tastes)!  The discovery is, that the more over the top I get in my rejection of her face, the more upset she gets!  LOL!!!  So I've started turning my head away in an exaggerated fashion, and then, if the Big Guy is near by, I totally go crazy with the kisses!!  It's perfect!!  She gets so mad!!!  LOL!!  The Pants is having such a fun Christmas season!!!  

Reader Observation: The Tim!

Dear The Pants,

I saw the movie on Stara's blog and all the laughing! I won't stand for it! You tell Joseph he better watch his back!!! I've got two words for Joseph.....DUST BUSTER!!!!!

Your friend,Tim.

Tim friend!!! Thank you for this kind and insightful observation! I still laugh whenever I think about you scaring the Big Guy with the dustbuster - oh man! I thought he was going to pee his pants when you attacked him!! LOL!! Now THOSE were some serious highjinks you broke out that day!! The Pants will never forgive your brave defense!!

The Big Guy has never chased me with a dustbuster since then, but the new developments with the dastardly (and terrifying) tape devil are most definitely NOT COOL! So please, when we are in Houston for the Texas Bowl (Go Rice! Hoot, hoot!), will you please scare the Big Guy with a tape devil?? (just warn me before you are going to so that I can hide under a nearby bed) Also, if you don't mind, would you let Jessica live with you and Kelli so the Big Guy and the Pants can live in peace in Austin? Oh rapture!

I have partially forgiven the Big Guy for this insult because he and Jessica took me to the dog park on Town Lake yesterday! However that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve some comeuppance from the Tim Ed! Do your worst! (see you in two weeks! LYLAS!)

Pants Movie Review: Twilight

Hello fair readers.  The Pants has been delaying reviewing this movie as the Pants is quite embarrassed that I went to see it in the first place, but I thought it over, and it's just too good an opportunity to pass up.  By reviewing this movie, I can be my sarcastic self, get in some laughs, and make fun of Jessica, all in one post!!  I told you!!  Too good!!!

Welcome to my dark side! (But I'm still cute!)

So, Jessica has been reading these stupid books. This is pathetic for many reasons. Mainly because Jessica is THIRTY-THREE years old!!! Yes, she is an old maid!!! I guess in that sense a book about teenage vampires who never age would be appealing, but seriously Jessica, you're getting older. Deal with it!!!

Anyway, Jessica and her girls Guilyn and Karen were going to see the Twilight movie at the Alamo Drafthouse one Friday night. I was going to stay home with the Big Guy, but he had rented a bunch of crappy "manly" movies, and the Pants wasn't interested in that. So, I figured that I would tag along with the girls. At least at the Drafthouse I could get some Flirtinis and laugh at the idiocy onscreen. Plus, Guilyn and Karen are awesome, so Jessica could be easily ignored.

So, we arrived at the theater and watched Twilight, and let me tell you readers, this movie was everything the Pants thought it would be and more! With a few Flirtinis in me, it was almost irresistibly funny! Yes, the Pants ENJOYED TWILIGHT! But not because it was any good, no, it was sooo bad it was AWESOME!!!  So, read on and join the Pants in reviewing the cheesiest movie of the year, TWILIGHT!!

Oh you crazy, good-looking love struck teens!! I totally dig your angst and yearning!

Twilight is the story of Bella Swann, a really stupid, boring, and utterly uninteresting girl, who moves to Forks, Washington to live with her dad. When she gets to Forks, she attracts the attention of Edward Cullen, teenage vampire, who is very good looking, which really is his only asset. In fact, he's kind of a controlling, smug, bloodsucking asshole. Edward falls in love with Bella when he first sees/smells her.  And she, in turn, falls in love with him.  But Bella's blood is so irresistible to him that at first he doesn't think he can be near her. But, she is too intoxicating (seriously, she sucks, the Pants doesn't get it) that he decides to fight his urges and date Bella.

Hey sexy, I totally want to suck your blood, but let's cuddle instead!

Edward lives with his vampire family which includes his "parents" Carlisle and Esme.

Hey kids! Aren't we the sexiest vampire parents ever!

His "brothers," Emmett and Jasper, and his "sisters," Alice and Rosalie. Emmett and Rosalie are a couple, as are Jasper and Alice. Seriously, it's that stupid!! Well, the vampires are all totally cool and awesome, at least to Bella. The Pants thought they were all really silly and cheesy, but like I said, Bella is an idiot!! So, once Edward and Bella decided that they are totally in love and can't live without each other (the teen melodramatic yearning in this film is awesome and hilarious! The Pants was LOLing the entire time these two were on screen), the vampires are like "cool Edward, bring your human girlfriend over, we totally won't try to kill her!" Of course they won't, they are "good" vampires who only feed on animals. Which, the Pants found personally offensive. I'm an animal you dickheads! I should totally feed on YOU!

But I won't, cheese makes me gassy!

So, Bella starts hanging with the vampires! None of them seem to have trouble controlling their urges except Jasper, who is new to the family, and still kind of digs human blood.

Back off Scissorhands, you can't have Bella for dinner!

Bella and Edward can't really make out or anything, you know, because he lusts for her blood, and if he gets too close he might kill her.

MMMM!

So, they do other things, like hang out in trees . . .

Hee hee Bella! You totally tooted! I love your humanness!

And play vampire baseball!

I yearn for Bella, and home-runs!

While they are playing baseball, they attract the attention of three other vampires, James, Laurent, and Victoria. James totally digs Bella's scent too. (Seriously, I don't get it, this girl puts damsels in distress everywhere to shame.) So, he decides that he wants to eat Bella.

But in a sexy way.

So, the vampires take Bella and try to outrun James and his buds. Bella, of course, puts herself in needless danger, and thus puts Edward in needless danger, because she is an idiot and because it gives them both the chance to feel guilty about putting each other in needless danger. Then they can brood and stare yearningly at each other, which is all they really want to do!! To make a long story short, Bella is saved! YAY! And she and Edward go back to Forks to continue not having sex and being annoying.

There are many other fantastic things in the film that the Pants does not have time to describe, including:  cheesy human teenagers, a vampire prom, Native Americans, and werewolf legends. I can't explain it all! (And I don't want to give too much away!) All in all, the Pants found this movie to be hilarious, which is probably not what the filmmakers intended, but they should be grateful that it gave the audience something, and I was left wanting more hijinks (and many more Flirtinis). The bad makeup, bad acting, brooding, and angst are too much for the Pants to resist!!  (Damn you Jessica for sucking me in!)  Thank goodness there are three more books, and therefore, three more movies! So, if you want a good laugh, go see Twilight. The Pants gives Twilight 3 paws!!!!

See you in the sequel suckers!  Get it!  Suckers!!  I slay me!

The Pants is Famous!!

Holy moly reader peeps!!  My homegirl Stara made a post about me on her super famous and kick ass blog! Go check me out and while you're there check out her blog too for fashion tips, cute female human persons, and good old fashioned fun!

However, it is with great disquiet that I have learned that Stara made a video of my shame (i.e. running fearfully from the tape devil) and put it on her blog for all the world to see! I would be upset at her, but not only can I simply not be because Stara is awesome, but because the Pants would rather be the object of laughter than not known at all...much like Richard Simmons and Tyra Banks!

Let me know when you and your sisters want to come down to Austin and grab flirtinis with me Stara! Until then, I shall wait by the window until your triumphant return!

A Sunday Walk With the Big Guy

This past Sunday, while Jessica was being lazy and hungover-y, she suggested that the Big Guy take me for a walk!  Needless to say, being the relentlessly awesome Big Guy that he is, he immediately obliged!  He hooked the Pants up into my sweet new Flexi 1 Classic leash and we headed off. We took a left on Goodnight and headed towards the Brentwood Park!!  It is the park a few blocks from our house that is right next to Brentwood Elementary.

Brentwood Elementary: Where the Pants Goes to Party

The Pants-Eye View of the World.  Note all the amazing places to pee on!

Off we went, I stopped and peed a little bit every few feet to let my dog buddies know the Pants has been stomping around the hood!

Big Guy! Give a girl some privacy! You are NOT staying classy!

We got to the edge of the park, and once again the Big Guy made me read the rules and give up the weapons I was packing.

Fine Big Guy, here are my chinese stars.

I paused soon thereafter to look for "Deaf Peds."  Though I've been to the park tons of times, I've never seen one of these!! I've seen plenty of "Normal Peds", but never a deaf one.

Stop yelling Big Guy! They're deaf!

After another failed attempt to see the legendary "Deaf Peds", I started to sprint to the park, but the Big Guy couldn't keep up.

Big Guy! I have some rolling in the grass to do. LFG!

Then we arrived at the park! The Big Guy let me off my leash (even though he's not supposed to - way to live on the edge Big Guy!) and I began to explore.

Scoop it up Bitch!

This is the seat where I watch all my local ballgames from:

Two hot dogs right here!

I wandered down my most favorite path ever!

This is a pretty artsy pic Big Guy! Nice!

I stalked a squirrel, and tried to hide behind the bush - but it saw me.  Squirrels, though evil and heathen, are quite intelligent and stealthy.

No Mr. Squirrel, nothing here but this bush!

After my failed squirrel hunt, the Big Guy tried to get me back on the slide of death. I was too smart for that though, no way!

The Horrifying Slide of Death! Note its terrifying curvy nature!

After narrowly escaping the slide, I checked out the rest of the park. What a glorious day it was in Austin!

Big Guy, stop taking pictures and frolic with me!

We made our way home where I ran right up to the front door of the House of Payne!

Let's go Big Guy! I need a nap pronto!

I can't wait for our next walk!

Sleep Styles

As I have posted previously on what I dream about, I thought I would enlighten my reader peeps a little more regarding my sleep habits.  The Pants LOVES sleeping!  (So does Jessica, but while it is in my nature to sleep a lot - she does it because she is lazy, and annoying.)  I do it about 75% of the time.  It is wonderful.  The Pants cannot express how much she enjoys a good nap!  But no two naps are the same!  In fact, the Pants has several different types of sleep that I would like to share with you now.  Please, feel free to steal one of my sleep styles if you think it would be to your benefit.  The Pants is here to help!

Sleep Style One:  Just a good old fashioned nap.

Mmmm.  So satisfying, and the Pants loves leather.

Sleep Style Two:  Keeping a good watch on the 'hood nap.

I'm sure the 'hood will be fine if I just drift off for a moment.

Sleep Style Three:  Sun induced nap.

I'm turning Japanese, I really think so!

Sleep Style Four:  Absolutely exhausted from going to Taurus, Mighty Texas Dog Walking, Drinking Too Many Flirtinis nap.

No explanation needed.

Sleep Style Five:  The best nap, a nap with the Big Guy!!!  

Oh Big Guy!! I almost forgive you for the tape devil! You are too awesome!

A Visit From a Star-A

Happy Holidays reader peeps!  I have so much to tell you about!! My apologies for my inactivity but I have been getting way too caught up in the Christmas spirit!!!   I have been trying to steal the Big Guy's credit card digits to order hundred of bags of greenies....er, I mean presents...yes...presents for...non-Pants' people....that I can't eat myself and to give to others. not me. others.  Nevermind.

Anyways, I have been caught up in helping set up the tree (SOMEBODY has to look out the window and make sure nobody is sneaking up while Jessica and the Big Guy are occupied!) and avoiding the weird Rudolph dolls like this one below that Joseph has all over the living room. They are animated and TERRIFYING!!!

Pants! Check out my plaid sweater of death!

So I was totally unexpected for a visit from one of my favorite human persons! Stara!!!  This is a pic of Stara with the Big Guy:

Watch that right hand Big Guy...you both are married!

Stara went to law school with both Jessica and the Big Guy at UT! (motto: "less sucky than Baylor Law")  Also, Stara went to Paris with the Big Guy and Cafferty when they were studying in London.

Oh sweet Cafferty, when will we have OUR romantic trip to Paris?

So Stara is pretty awesome.  We hung out Saturday night and she totally rubbed my belly seriously hardcore!

Pet me you famous blogger person you!! Yes, I can feel the fame!!

However, an unfortunate series of events occurred that the Big Guy is still going to pay for.  Let me set the stage for you: there are Stara and I, just chillin', drinking margaritas and catching up on the latest Dallas gossip when out of nowhere the Big Guy attacks me! But not with a knife, or a gun, or even a tape of "The Hills."  No reader peeps, even worse, he attacked me with a TAPE MEASURER!!!  NOTHING is scarier to the Pants than a tape devil!  Not the Boogeyman, not highway traffic, not fireworks...not even a Sarah Palin presidency!!  I mean...look at the terror!!

Saw VI: Jigsaw measures the drapes.

So after not seeing Stara for months, I had to stop our blogging convo mid-sentence to sprint to the only place in the house that provides refuge from attacks of this kind - under the bed.  To make matters worse I had to dash to safety in front of Stara right when I was trying to get sweet ass blogging tips!! Not cool Big Guy!!!  Humiliation for the Pants!!  There will be vengeance, and it will be swift.

Et tu Big Guy?

Sadly, Stara left after only one day, and the Pants was far too shaken up after multiple attacks with the tape devil to spend enough quality time with her.  However, on the plus side, I did get Sassy Kay's digits and we have totally been texting all night long! (Facebook friend me Sassy Kay! LYLAS!!!)  So despite the near heart-attack-inducing horror of Saturday night, it was a good weekend.  Tell OAF friend that despite all the dirty jokes he taught me last time he was here, I totally miss him Stara! Lata!!

ROAD TRIP!!!

Reader peeps!! I can't talk long because I am packing furiously, but the Big Guy and I are driving up to Plano today to spend the next four days with Grandpa Jim, Grandma Linda and kick ass Cousin Brian!! Jessica will be there too.

I'm just trying to get my mind wrapped around (at least) 4 hours in the car with the Big Guy! We will totally play the license plate game and spend some time gossiping about whatever strikes our fancy: The latest office hijinks (Happy thanksgiving MM, Jack and Sunny!); Tico's new screenplay; how awesome it's been without Jessica the last two days and how the Big Guy should take me to Rice's bowl game even though I rooted for UTEP when they played the Owls. (Forgive me Big Guy!! My heart is with UTEP! I can't change my essence!!)

Got to go pack. Have a great Thanksgiving reader peeps!! It's Plano or bust for the Pants!

The Ginger Man!!

Who rocks the party? The PANTS rocks the party? I said who rocks the party? The PANTS rocks the party!!!!

I ESPECIALLY rock the party in my bad ass Notre Dame uniform!!

So like I said in my previous post reader peeps, the Big Guy and Jessica took me to a real life working human person happy hour!!! The Pants has always heard rumors of these "happy hours" and the word from Tico is that people get together to let their hair down and party hearty! Since the Big Guy has short hair, I wasn't sure what he was going to do about this hair letting down thing!!  I didn't want the Big Guy to be the lamest happy hour guy ever! So at first I was nervous. This is my nervous face:

For the last time, I don't want to play Wii!!!

I got over my nerves and the Pants and Jessica piled into the Nissan land boat and cruised down Guadalupe, or "The Drag" as the local UT students, hippies and homeless peeps call it.

Hey Hippies, check out my sweet Doggles!! Hook 'em!!

We parked and rolled into the Ginger Man, which is an awesome place in downtown Austin! I got carded at the door too by the door man.  It made me feel so young!!! So I totally had to flirt with the door guy then by doing my super cute dance moves, but Jess had to ruin it by saying I was 35 in dog years. Ummm....thanks Messica. (I totally just came up with that right now!! LOL!!)

The Ginger Man: Taking the Pants to funkytown since 2008.

We went to the back, and guess who was there?? My homegirl MM!! She has a new puppy named Emmett who is totally chill!!

What a duo!! Just keepin' it reals...

In fact Emmett is so chill I think he might have a weed problem.  There is no way a 12 week old dog (trust me I remember being 12 weeks old - I was like Jim Carrey eating a crystal meth Fun Dip!) can be that Fonzie-cool without hitting the bong beforehand.  MM, let's have an intervention!!

Emmett, if you don't stop I won't help you trade greenies for weed anymore!

So reader peeps, if you have never been to a "happy hour" I say go as fast as your land boat can take you!! Apparently a "happy hour" means you go chill at a bar with cool peeps and have some beers. It was awesome, except one problem...the Pants doesn't drink beers! I need flirtinis or a nice riesling (or a roach bait to chew) to get my buzz on! But that didn't stop the Big Guy and Jess from trying. I guess they thought I was thirsty!

A pilsner? They are soooo 2006!

The weather was great! The conversation was awesome! At one point I had to leap up on the table to drop some knowledge on T-roy and Nicole.

For the last time T-roy! Trickle down economics is a fool's plan!!

After I jumped down from the table to avoid the massive bird poopage (the Big Guy was COVERED! As always, hilarious job Big Guy!!! We are totally BFFs!) and then thought I saw Frito Guy!! But unfortunately it was just a bald guy with a weird ponytail. Still, I leapt on their table when I thought they insulted the Big Guy!

You mess with the Big Guy, you mess with the Pants and you get the paws!!!

All in all, we partied for 2 hours and headed home. What a great friday!!! In fact, I was so happy Jessica took me downtown that I snuggled with her a bit to say thanks.

Shhhhh. Don't tell anyone.