Talking With the Pants: December 2009

I've just curled up on the couch here in front of our new HDTV (the Big Guy totally got a sweet deal at Best Buy! Thanks Grandparents for the cash!), and playing some serious Mafia Wars. My Mafia is WAY bigger than that of my human persons. I've got nearly 800 mafia friends! EIGHT HUNDRED! That's like as many people as live in New York! The Big Guy has 530 or so which isn't too bad, and Jessica only has 74. 74! That's not a mafia, that's a wimpia! Get some friends! LOL!

Because I have such a rock star mafia (it's a party in the USA for my mafia! Love ya Miley!), I thought of some other reasons that I'm pretty cool. Here are a few:

1. I am very, very cute.
2. My paws smell really good. Seriously. They do.
3. Except when I've been sick, I've never had an "accident" in the house.
4. I can curl up in really small spaces and then when people accidentally sit on me, I totally scare them! LOL!
5. I am friends with the one and only FRITO GUY!!! He smells like ham.
6. I am so adorable that Cafferty hugged me once. Rapture.
7. I've gone to Dallas and back like 10 times and never gotten sick or had anything bad happen to me. Trips to Houston on the other hand....
8. I'm still cute
9. I'm very active politically, socially and bellyrubally.
10. I fit perfectly between the Big Guy and Jessica in bed.
11. I was the first dog to show Al Gore where ManBearPig was located.
12. I am cute to the 14th power!

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas! Santa Claus left me not one, but TWO boners!!!

[editor's note: "boners" should have been "bones"]

Reader Peeps....I AM BACK!!! Sorry for the hiatus, it's been a brutal effort from the Pants. B-R-U-T-A-L! It has been a busy few months though...of which I plan to inform you completely!!

But first, I have to let you know all about the ridiculously super fun time I had at the Skaggs' house last Wednesday (Holla at your girl Amy! LOL!). It was the first Fab 4 get-together in like a billion years. For those of you that don't know, the "Fab 4" consists of the following:

1. The Big Guy

2. Jack

3. MM

4. Sunny!! (FYI - you are almost required to put exclamation points after her name. Nobody is sure why, but it's true)

They all started at the Law Firm That Shall Not Be Named at the same time, and have stayed serious peeps ever since then!! In short, the Fab 4 rocks even harder than late-80s Poison!!

Also in attendance: Rob (awesome!), Amy (the tops!) and Jessica (eh). Not to mention Samuel and Jane Ann were there. So all the elements were in place for a blow-the-roof-off-the-joint type of funfest! And oh it did not disappoint!! Here's a photocap of the night:

Casa de Skaggs! Note how pretty and fancy! Ooo-La-La!

Am I running to the door because (a) of excitement to see my peeps or (b) to get away from Jessica? Answer: BOTH!!

Samuel giving me the first of many, many crackers over the course of the night. Needless to say, Samuel is now my favorite human person ever.

Sunny mixing her world famous margaritas! She and Rob own their own margarita machine!! Seriously. They are like the Kennedys!! (pssst Sunny, adopt me!)

Enjoying one of the aforementioned margaritas - delish! - Also, before anyone makes fun of me for my new sweater let me tell you, it's awesome. I love blankets, and it's like getting to wear a blanket all the time! The Big Guy and I went to the Pizza Eating Contest at Home Slice a few weeks ago (Shockingly Jessica didn't go, thus, it was a blast! Also, props to Chris Floyd - 4 time champ! Nice job Chompy!) and I got really cold. Like, so-cold-that-I-couldn't-stop-shaking cold! The Big Guy took off his sweatshirt and wrapped it around me to keep me warm (note to all the ladies who I am trying to upgrade Jessica with - the Big Guy is a serious gentleman. He also buys thoughtful presents, and his face is delicious!). A week later, Jessica did me a solid and got me this sweater, and I love it. Make fun of me at your peril!!!

Jack and Jane Ann. All together now. On the count of 3 - 1....2....3....awwwwwwwwwww.

Jack holding court and dropping some serious comedy on the group. Note Sunny ferociously pounding her margarita!

Give. Me. Enchiladas.

Reader peep quiz: Samuel is (a) staring in utter amazement at the deliciousness of the ice cream cake that Amy made, (b) enthralled by Jack's sweet, sweet lumberjack beard or (c) in the process of squeezing out a massive deuce in his pjs.

Help.

Sunny: "Have some margaritas."

Rob: "No."

Sunny: "Have some margaritas now!"

Rob: "No."

Sunny: "I will force feed this entire blender to you if I have to!!"

Rob: "I'm going home."

The Law Firm That Shall Not Be Named kept her late doing boring crap, but MM showed up!!! MM, you are totally my girl. Let's do lunch!

Two pieces of advice:

(1) Amy - don't get too close to Jessica again as she may try to eat you. LOL!!

(2) MM, do NOT look at Jessica directly like this without some sort of eye protection (sunglasses, eyepatches, a wall between the two of you) or she might turn you to stone Medusa-style.