Talking With the Pants: Pants Movie Review: Twilight

Hello fair readers. The Pants has been delaying reviewing this movie as the Pants is quite embarrassed that I went to see it in the first place, but I thought it over, and it's just too good an opportunity to pass up. By reviewing this movie, I can be my sarcastic self, get in some laughs, and make fun of Jessica, all in one post!! I told you!! Too good!!!

Welcome to my dark side! (But I'm still cute!)

So, Jessica has been reading these stupid books. This is pathetic for many reasons. Mainly because Jessica is THIRTY-THREE years old!!! Yes, she is an old maid!!! I guess in that sense a book about teenage vampires who never age would be appealing, but seriously Jessica, you're getting older. Deal with it!!!

Anyway, Jessica and her girls Guilyn and Karen were going to see the Twilight movie at the Alamo Drafthouse one Friday night. I was going to stay home with the Big Guy, but he had rented a bunch of crappy "manly" movies, and the Pants wasn't interested in that. So, I figured that I would tag along with the girls. At least at the Drafthouse I could get some Flirtinis and laugh at the idiocy onscreen. Plus, Guilyn and Karen are awesome, so Jessica could be easily ignored.

So, we arrived at the theater and watched Twilight, and let me tell you readers, this movie was everything the Pants thought it would be and more! With a few Flirtinis in me, it was almost irresistibly funny! Yes, the Pants ENJOYED TWILIGHT! But not because it was any good, no, it was sooo bad it was AWESOME!!! So, read on and join the Pants in reviewing the cheesiest movie of the year, TWILIGHT!!

Oh you crazy, good-looking love struck teens!! I totally dig your angst and yearning!

Twilight is the story of Bella Swann, a really stupid, boring, and utterly uninteresting girl, who moves to Forks, Washington to live with her dad. When she gets to Forks, she attracts the attention of Edward Cullen, teenage vampire, who is very good looking, which really is his only asset. In fact, he's kind of a controlling, smug, bloodsucking asshole. Edward falls in love with Bella when he first sees/smells her. And she, in turn, falls in love with him. But Bella's blood is so irresistible to him that at first he doesn't think he can be near her. But, she is too intoxicating (seriously, she sucks, the Pants doesn't get it) that he decides to fight his urges and date Bella.

Hey sexy, I totally want to suck your blood, but let's cuddle instead!

Edward lives with his vampire family which includes his "parents" Carlisle and Esme.

Hey kids! Aren't we the sexiest vampire parents ever!

His "brothers," Emmett and Jasper, and his "sisters," Alice and Rosalie. Emmett and Rosalie are a couple, as are Jasper and Alice. Seriously, it's that stupid!! Well, the vampires are all totally cool and awesome, at least to Bella. The Pants thought they were all really silly and cheesy, but like I said, Bella is an idiot!! So, once Edward and Bella decided that they are totally in love and can't live without each other (the teen melodramatic yearning in this film is awesome and hilarious! The Pants was LOLing the entire time these two were on screen), the vampires are like "cool Edward, bring your human girlfriend over, we totally won't try to kill her!" Of course they won't, they are "good" vampires who only feed on animals. Which, the Pants found personally offensive. I'm an animal you dickheads! I should totally feed on YOU!

But I won't, cheese makes me gassy!

So, Bella starts hanging with the vampires! None of them seem to have trouble controlling their urges except Jasper, who is new to the family, and still kind of digs human blood.

Back off Scissorhands, you can't have Bella for dinner!

Bella and Edward can't really make out or anything, you know, because he lusts for her blood, and if he gets too close he might kill her.

MMMM!

So, they do other things, like hang out in trees . . .

Hee hee Bella! You totally tooted! I love your humanness!

And play vampire baseball!

I yearn for Bella, and home-runs!

While they are playing baseball, they attract the attention of three other vampires, James, Laurent, and Victoria. James totally digs Bella's scent too. (Seriously, I don't get it, this girl puts damsels in distress everywhere to shame.) So, he decides that he wants to eat Bella.

But in a sexy way.

So, the vampires take Bella and try to outrun James and his buds. Bella, of course, puts herself in needless danger, and thus puts Edward in needless danger, because she is an idiot and because it gives them both the chance to feel guilty about putting each other in needless danger. Then they can brood and stare yearningly at each other, which is all they really want to do!! To make a long story short, Bella is saved! YAY! And she and Edward go back to Forks to continue not having sex and being annoying.

There are many other fantastic things in the film that the Pants does not have time to describe, including: cheesy human teenagers, a vampire prom, Native Americans, and werewolf legends. I can't explain it all! (And I don't want to give too much away!) All in all, the Pants found this movie to be hilarious, which is probably not what the filmmakers intended, but they should be grateful that it gave the audience something, and I was left wanting more hijinks (and many more Flirtinis). The bad makeup, bad acting, brooding, and angst are too much for the Pants to resist!! (Damn you Jessica for sucking me in!) Thank goodness there are three more books, and therefore, three more movies! So, if you want a good laugh, go see Twilight. The Pants gives Twilight 3 paws!!!!