1. The Big Guy is awesome!! Even if he does something dumb, he will quickly come back with something so awesome your brain might melt from the brilliance!! Also Jessica is actually okay too - just please don't tell her.
2. Indiana Jones and the Crystal Fetus sucked. Really, really hard. Suck the Pants' ass George Lucas!!!
3. I am very, very confused as to why NASCAR is popular. Right turns need love too.
4. Those Taco Bell commercials with the douchebags in the car are NOT FUNNY! I miss the chihuahua. Tico is available Taco B!!!
5. Austin is 20 times cooler than any other city in Texas. Period. It's also 500 times cooler than an actual turd sandwich, and 1000 times cooler than Waco.
6. I don't understand girls (or gay guys - the Pants doesnt judge! I loved Milk! LOL!) who think Robert Redford was hotter than Paul Newman. His eyes were soooooo blue, OMG!
7. Beer is gross. Wine is delicious. Greenies are heaven.
8. The greatest teams, in order, are UTEP, Notre Dame/Rice (tie), NY Giants and the Houston Astros. The worst team ever is a tie between Oklahoma and Texas A&M. They just edged out the Nazis and the Khmer Rouge.
9. Being a charter member of the Brentwood/Crestview Hood Watch is MUCH more tiring than I expected it to be!
10. Most people are stupid and don't know how to do anything correctly.
While I could expound upon all of these jewels of information, I'm going to focus on #10. People need to learn how to do things correctly!! And if the Pants doesn't take on this responsibility who will? (If anyone said Ann Coulter, I will bite their ankles. HARD! And I'll use all 7 of my teeth!)
So to start, let me explain the correct way to stalk a squirrel. Many dogs, wolverines and people rush right at them and scare them up a tree. What a common mistake!!! The Pants has been there fearless squirrel hunters, and understands your frustration. Here are the steps to catching one of those dastardly and evil squirrels:
1. Identify your enemy.
First things first, identify how many squirrels there are, and exactly WHERE they are. They are tricky and must never be trusted. NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON A SQUIRREL! (Pretend the squirrel is Jack Bauer. Proceed accordingly.) So when you decide to stalk, identify the enemy first.
TWO EVILDOERS!!
2. Patiently stalk.
Despite wanting to do whatever you can to GET THOSE BASTARD SQUIRRELS...you must use patience. Think more along the lines of "Michael Corleone in The Godfather" rather than "Carl Weathers in Predator." Once the squirrels come down to ground level, the game has begun. When you begin your approach, quickly drop into crouching formation, kind of like a soldier crawling on his belly, or Demi Moore creeping up on Ashton Kutcher.
Nice camerawork Big Guy. It looks like I'm stalking a freaking tree.
You have to creep slowly, so as not to alert the evil, evil, evil squirrel of your intentions. Here is a better pic that puts you in the Pants' shoes!
You are MINE squirrel bastard! Just keep digging away you mindless moron...don't mind the Pants that is creeping towards you...
3. Once you are close, sprint! But heads up for acid!
You have to get close enough to make your dash for the squirrel. Sometimes the squirrel will see you and your stalking will have been for naught. However, sometimes you can catch them! When you do, be careful, because these evil animals have acid for blood! For serious!! If you peel back the skin on a squirrel this is what they look like!
Of course I'll get you another burger Oprah! Bless your heart!
So stalk away my friends, but be careful! There are few things more evil than squirrels on this earth ( "The Hills", the smarmy guy from the Sprint commercials, law schools, etc. ) but not many. I'll be back with more helpful hints soon!!
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