Oh Crap.

Hello loyal readers.  A forlorn Pants is writing this from underneath the bed in the guest bedroom.  The reasons for this are many and varied, consisting primarily of a total overreaction to a childish prank!  Or at least that's how I see it.  I'm still under the bed because the Big Guy and Jessica are not happy with me (Thank goodness for wireless! LOL!).  In fact, the Big Guy yelled at the Pants, spanked the Pants, and then Jessica gave me a seriously stern talking to as well!  To say the least sweet Reader Peeps, today has not been a good day.

Let me begin at the beginning.  Today started out awesome!!  The Big Guy and I cuddled in bed for a while, and then he got up and took me for a walk before he even ate any breakfast!

A top o' the morning to you too neighbor person!

We finished our walk and headed home to chill a bit while he did some chores, and then about 11:45 he jumped in the Prius and drove off to have lunch with Kerri and Natalie - two awesome peeps who he used to work with!!  The Pants knew the Big Guy would be back in an hour or two, so I thought I'd just lay down on the couch when I saw it...the Big Guy had left the trash bag on the floor.  TRASH PARTY HOLY CRAP!!!!

To explain, when the trash bag gets too full to fit in the trash can he puts it on the floor, and when he leaves he usually puts it on the counter....but NOT TODAY!!!  It was sitting on the kitchen floor, open and ready for the Pants to tear into it!!  My heart began racing and my vision blurred as I tried to decide what to do!!!  Should I be a "good dog" and ignore it?  It would make the Big Guy sooooo happy if I ignored the trash when I had the chance to wreck it.  On the other hand should I risk the wrath of the Big Guy, throw caution to the wind and engage in the most fun thing to do ever in the world!!! I quickly turned right and left to the angel and devil on my shoulder for guidance:

Hey Clancy! It's us, the Jonas Brothers!  We're known for good, clean living, promise rings, always washing behind our ears and churning out music that makes "Mmmmmbop" look like "Enter Sandman!"  You probably forgot our first names, but from left to right it's Poser, Shinypants, and Monchichi.  Anyhoo, you should definitely NOT throw a trash party!  Instead, go into the closet and throw together a terrible wardrobe - the ones above took us like 3 hours to put toether! By then the Big Guy will be home and you won't be in trouble.  Be like us and be cool Pants! 

Good points all Jonas Brothers! Then I heard from my devil side:

Screw those Dork Brothers Pants.  Crack open some Boones, rip open the trash and trash party your tits off!!!  The Big Guy will understand.  And if not, screw him because your name is CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCLANCYPANTS!!! (Bawitdaba!!!)

Done and done Mr. Rock!  So like my man out of Detroit Rock City said, I dove in and threw a SERIOUS TRASH PARTY.  What separated this TP from all the others was the shocking discovery of nearly a whole bag of uneaten Jelly Belly Candy Corn.  They threw the deliciousness away because the Big Guy insanely said that it was "ass flavored", but not to the Pants! Candy Corn, meet Clancy Dolan!!  Remembering how Jessica uncovered my hiding places in the past, I smartly took the bag and hid it under the pillows on the guest bed.  But that was not all, oh no!  I then took half the candy out of the bag and brought it into the Big Guy and Jessica's room and hid it in THEIR pillows! TWO hiding places...ingenious!!!  

Once the booty had been buried, I got to work and devoured me some candy corn!! Mmmm mmmm delicious!!  After I had filled my tummy up with vanilla goodness, I waited at the window for the Big Guy to return home.  Once he did, I got into trouble and totally pretended to be sad (Kid Rock, you would have been proud!), but after 15 minutes we were friends again. MUCH more importantly, he did NOT find the candy corn I had so expertly hidden! 

A few hours later my stomach was not feeling well, but the Big Guy wanted to take me for a walk and I had to pretend everything was a-ok so as not to arouse suspicion.  Halfway down the block though, I totally felt the corn coming up....and I puked in the street!!  Right in front of all my neighborhood watch friends - oh the embarassment!  And then twenty feet later, I did it AGAIN.  The horror!!! I lowered my head in shame as we trudged back to the house.

With his suspicions raised from the Vomit March, the Big Guy did his best Lewis and Clark as he went exploring the house and quickly found what I had done in their bed.  Not only did I hide the candy corn in the sheets, but I may or may not have puked a few times in the bed first (hint: I totally did!).

Foiled!

The Pants is seriously ashamed I can't hold my candy corn liked I used to.

So after the vomit discovery the Big Guy yelled at me.  A lot.  It was NOT good times. But I proceeded to hide under the bed for half an hour and all was right with the world.   Well, it was until Jessica got home and told the Big Guy to look in the guest bed for more candy.  Dammit.

I don't see any candy Big Guy! What are you talking about??

Oh, THAT candy!  I think Jessica put it there??

So needless to say it was another half-hour under the bed for the Pants AND all the candy was thereby removed from the premises.  Oh well, at least me and the Big Guy are friends again, right?

Or not.

My World is Upside Down!

Reader Peeps, the Pants' mind is still reeling from the events of last night!!!  Check this out!!  Last night Jessica totally did something awesome (on purpose!!) for an early Valentine's Day and cooked one of the Big Guy's favorite meals - Grandma Marilyn's meatloaf!!  Drawing on her past history, I figured she would totally screw it up...so I sat in the kitchen while she cooked to both (a) hope she dropped some food on the floor (she did!) and (b) taunt her (I did!). However, I've got to be honest with you, Jessica overcame the nearly insurmountable odds stacked against her and made some ridiculously kick-ass meatloaf! How do I know? Because she gave me some at dinner...and the Big Guy gave me some mashed potatoes!!! The Pants LOVES early Valentine's Day!!  Jessica - kudos to you! For serious!!!

The reason Jessica did Valentine's Day a week early is because next Sunday, the Big Guy is running a freaking marathon, and Jessica is running a freaking half-marathon.  The Pants thinks they are both insane.  Yesterday they ran 17 miles and 11 miles each, and bitched about it all night long. (I'm not ripping on them, I would totally bitch too!) The Pants is confused why anyone would choose to run for 4 hours when instead you could stay at home and pet this instead:

RUB MY BELLY!!

Also, if you remember, this was the Pants after the Texas Dog Walk last year which was only 3 miles long:

Texas Dog Walk: 1, Pants: 0

Also, running marathons is making the Big Guy's toenails fall off!! GROSS!!!  

Anyway, I just wanted to say that last night was awesome and Jessica can sure cook some meatloaf (but don't worry Big Guy, I only have eyes for you! ;-)).  Alright, it's time to go watch the hood Reader Peeps! The Pants is out!!

On patrol, Pants' style.

Tim Friend and Gewinner

Dear The Pants,

Good Work on your Super Bowl prediction.  I almost predicted the score too.  My prediction was Steelers-27  Cardinals-24.  The only thing I won was a stupid calendar from a vendor and "the awe and admiration" of my coworkers.  Maybe I'll buy a lottery ticket!

Your Friend,

Tim

Tim Friend!!!   Congratulations on nearly picking the exact score - the Pants thinks that you are a prognosticating genius!  Is there no limit to your talents and wily ways???

WTF is "awe and admiration?"  What a stupid present!  A calendar (unless it's a calendar of pictures of the Pants! LOL!) sucks too.  Don't your coworkers know that money makes the world go round? I think you march into work on Friday and demand cold hard cash.  If you can, get it paid in Euros and not Dollars (I don't know if you watch the news, but the Big Guy says that the U.S. economy "is a piece of crap."  Oh Big Guy! You slay me!).  

Also, I am NOT HAPPY about not being invited to the Super Bowl party.  At first I was, but then I was watching the game at home and learned that they were going to show 3 commercials in 3-D!! Holy dog shows!!! The Pants LOVES 3-D!!  Except I didn't have any of the 3-D glasses at home!!   But once the Big Guy and Jessica got home, I found out that EVERYONE at the party got them.  So instead of seeing amazing 3-D commercials, I instead saw blurry, poopy commercials that were like 1.5-D. Great.

Gewinner, NOBODY is allergic to the Pants! I have special fur that nobody sneezes at...it's not like I'm a retarded cat or something. I quickly called up my friend Stephen Colbert and had him update his on-notice board.  Suck on this!

-

So Tim friend, take solace (even a "quantum" of solace if you want to...LOL!) in the fact that you at least got to see cool stuff in 3-D.  Sometimes being a dog is not all it's cracked up to be.

GEWINNER, YOU ARE ON NOTICE!!!

Super Bowl!

It's SUPER BOWL day!!! And you know what that means...Jessica and the Big Guy are going to a Super Bowl party and the Pants can't come.  Dammit!  However, it's not because Gewinner doesn't love the Pants, she's just allergic to dogs.  That sucks Gewinner - dogs are fun!  You need to work on your allergies - I recommend Zyrtec. 

On to the Super Bowl. The Cardinals are a baseball team...why are people picking them to win a FOOTBALL game?  Plus the Steelers are from Pittsburgh or, as I like to call it, TOUGHBURG!

Prediction: Steelers 27, Cardinals 20.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take a nap.

Pants' "How To" Do Crap

So now that the Pants is 5 years old now, I've been thinking about what I've seen and heard, and I've learned a LOT!  Just for you Reader Peeps, here are some of the things the Pants has learned in the Pants' short but eventful life:

1. The Big Guy is awesome!!  Even if he does something dumb, he will quickly come back with something so awesome your brain might melt from the brilliance!!  Also Jessica is actually okay too - just please don't tell her.

2. Indiana Jones and the Crystal Fetus sucked. Really, really hard. Suck the Pants' ass George Lucas!!!

3. I am very, very confused as to why NASCAR is popular.  Right turns need love too.

4. Those Taco Bell commercials with the douchebags in the car are NOT FUNNY! I miss the chihuahua. Tico is available Taco B!!!

5. Austin is 20 times cooler than any other city in Texas.  Period.  It's also 500 times cooler than an actual turd sandwich, and 1000 times cooler than Waco.

6. I don't understand girls (or gay guys - the Pants doesnt judge! I loved Milk! LOL!) who think Robert Redford was hotter than Paul Newman.  His eyes were soooooo blue, OMG!

7. Beer is gross. Wine is delicious. Greenies are heaven.

8. The greatest teams, in order, are UTEP, Notre Dame/Rice (tie), NY Giants and the Houston Astros.  The worst team ever is a tie between Oklahoma and Texas A&M.  They just edged out the Nazis and the Khmer Rouge.

9.  Being a charter member of the Brentwood/Crestview Hood Watch is MUCH more tiring than I expected it to be!

10. Most people are stupid and don't know how to do anything correctly.

While I could expound upon all of these jewels of information, I'm going to focus on #10.  People need to learn how to do things correctly!! And if the Pants doesn't take on this responsibility who will? (If anyone said Ann Coulter, I will bite their ankles. HARD! And I'll use all 7 of my teeth!)

So to start, let me explain the correct way to stalk a squirrel.  Many dogs, wolverines and people rush right at them and scare them up a tree. What a common mistake!!!  The Pants has been there fearless squirrel hunters, and understands your frustration.  Here are the steps to catching one of those dastardly and evil squirrels:

1. Identify your enemy.

First things first, identify how many squirrels there are, and exactly WHERE they are.  They are tricky and must never be trusted. NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON A SQUIRREL!  (Pretend the squirrel is Jack Bauer. Proceed accordingly.)  So when you decide to stalk, identify the enemy first.

TWO EVILDOERS!!

2.  Patiently stalk.

Despite wanting to do whatever you can to GET THOSE BASTARD SQUIRRELS...you must use patience.  Think more along the lines of "Michael Corleone in The Godfather" rather than "Carl Weathers in Predator."  Once the squirrels come down to ground level, the game has begun.  When you begin your approach, quickly drop into crouching formation, kind of like a soldier crawling on his belly, or Demi Moore creeping up on Ashton Kutcher.

Nice camerawork Big Guy. It looks like I'm stalking a freaking tree.

You have to creep slowly, so as not to alert the evil, evil, evil squirrel of your intentions.  Here is a better pic that puts you in the Pants' shoes!

You are MINE squirrel bastard!  Just keep digging away you mindless moron...don't mind the Pants that is creeping towards you...

3. Once you are close, sprint! But heads up for acid!

You have to get close enough to make your dash for the squirrel.  Sometimes the squirrel will see you and your stalking will have been for naught.  However, sometimes you can catch them! When you do, be careful, because these evil animals have acid for blood! For serious!! If you peel back the skin on a squirrel this is what they look like!

Of course I'll get you another burger Oprah! Bless your heart!

So stalk away my friends, but be careful!  There are few things more evil than squirrels on this earth ( "The Hills", the smarmy guy from the Sprint commercials, law schools, etc. ) but not many.   I'll be back with more helpful hints soon!!

Christmas With the Catheys!!

Let me first apologize for my hiatus Reader Peeps, but as I mentioned before, the Big Guy is home with the Pants all day!!!  You know how happy all those millions of people were at the inauguration last week in DC...well multiply their happiness by like quadrillionteen times and that's how happy the Pants is every day!!  The Big Guy takes me for 3 walks a day, plays with me AND gives me the cuddles. I mean...holy crap! AND, Jessica is at work every day.  She's not even here!!!!

To quote one of my favorite movies:

"Is this heaven?"

"No, this is Austin."

PLUS, check out his new cool Big Guy beard!

He's a lumberjack and he's okay!

But enough about heaven on earth, back to Christmas 2008!!  We hopped in the Prius and rolled to Spring, TX for Christmas this year, home of Grandma Marilyn, Grandpa John and Bro Person!  Grandpa John quickly put me to work carving the turkey.

CUT THAT MEAT!!

Grandma Marilyn totally cooked up the spread to end all spreads! There was turkey, ham, vegetables, dressing, fruit salads and much, much more!  Check out the yumminess below!! However, did I get a seat at the table?? Ummm...nope!  So much for WWJD.  Apparently Jesus would make you sit under the table.  Awesome.

Hey Jesus, how about a ladder?

Of course, that didn't stop me from getting some scraps from everyone.  Who can possibly resist this face??

Come on guys!  JC would have wanted me to have some turkey!

After the feast, everyone went to church and the Pants took a serious nap. (Nothing puts me to sleep like Trypophan!  Except for the new season of Grey's Anatomy.)  Once they came back, we piled into the car and went to Carra's house!  Carra used to be both the Big Guy's and Bro Person's high school counselor and has been a friend of the fam ever since.  Also, I had met her before and she is a delight! (use your best James Lipton impression there) Four paws way up! This is her with her friend's dog at her house.

Hey Carra! I can't see you over that chia pet's head! LOL!

It was a serious party!!  Here is me, the dog who yaps way too much (I forget her name. I'll call her "Hannity") and Wally.  Wally is awesome!!! He's like 112 years old in dog years and has climbed mountains and run half-marathons! For serious!!  But since he's so old, he can't hear or see very good and actually gets stuck in corners sometimes because he can't move backwards anymore.  He's like an Aggie!! Ha! (Hey Reader Peeps, how do you confuse an Aggie? Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in a corner! LOL! Go UTEP!)

Out of the way Hannity, I want to party with my boy Wally!

Hey! Hands off Hannity! He's MY Big Guy!

The next day it was Christmas!!! Check out the awesome tree that Grandma Marilyn put up! Look at all the presents!!  They were all for the Pants too!! (editor's note: no they weren't)

 Full of nothing but dental grade cocaine.

I got up on the couch with Jessica to await all the presents that the Big Guy was bringing in!

Don't touch me.

I then snagged the camera and took pictures....check out the sweet camera work.

Bro Person. Sitting on his throne of lies.

Oh you two! Comedy gold yet again!!  How do you do it??

Grandma Marilyn paused from writing down the presents to give the Pants some cuddles.

Discussing Southern Living with my Grandma!

All in all, it was an awesome Christmas! Thank you Cathey family for a great time and all the cuddles and belly rubs!!  See you soon!!

Bliss!!

Reader peeps! I must apologize for my lack of blogging, but miracle of miracles the Big Guy has stayed home with me ALL WEEK!!!  Apparently he is "between jobs."  I'm not sure what that means exactly, but to the Pants "between jobs" means "heaven!"

And do you want to hear something even better!!! Jessica has to go to work all day every day!!!  So all day it's just me and the Big Guy WITHOUT HER!!!

However, going on walks, getting my belly rubbed and being ridiculously happy doesn't get the blogging done.  So I'll be better about it...I have much to talk to you about. So brace yourself for some shocking revelations before the weekend is out!!