Let me begin at the beginning. Today started out awesome!! The Big Guy and I cuddled in bed for a while, and then he got up and took me for a walk before he even ate any breakfast!
A top o' the morning to you too neighbor person!
We finished our walk and headed home to chill a bit while he did some chores, and then about 11:45 he jumped in the Prius and drove off to have lunch with Kerri and Natalie - two awesome peeps who he used to work with!! The Pants knew the Big Guy would be back in an hour or two, so I thought I'd just lay down on the couch when I saw it...the Big Guy had left the trash bag on the floor. TRASH PARTY HOLY CRAP!!!!
To explain, when the trash bag gets too full to fit in the trash can he puts it on the floor, and when he leaves he usually puts it on the counter....but NOT TODAY!!! It was sitting on the kitchen floor, open and ready for the Pants to tear into it!! My heart began racing and my vision blurred as I tried to decide what to do!!! Should I be a "good dog" and ignore it? It would make the Big Guy sooooo happy if I ignored the trash when I had the chance to wreck it. On the other hand should I risk the wrath of the Big Guy, throw caution to the wind and engage in the most fun thing to do ever in the world!!! I quickly turned right and left to the angel and devil on my shoulder for guidance:
Hey Clancy! It's us, the Jonas Brothers! We're known for good, clean living, promise rings, always washing behind our ears and churning out music that makes "Mmmmmbop" look like "Enter Sandman!" You probably forgot our first names, but from left to right it's Poser, Shinypants, and Monchichi. Anyhoo, you should definitely NOT throw a trash party! Instead, go into the closet and throw together a terrible wardrobe - the ones above took us like 3 hours to put toether! By then the Big Guy will be home and you won't be in trouble. Be like us and be cool Pants!
Good points all Jonas Brothers! Then I heard from my devil side:
Screw those Dork Brothers Pants. Crack open some Boones, rip open the trash and trash party your tits off!!! The Big Guy will understand. And if not, screw him because your name is CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCLANCYPANTS!!! (Bawitdaba!!!)
Done and done Mr. Rock! So like my man out of Detroit Rock City said, I dove in and threw a SERIOUS TRASH PARTY. What separated this TP from all the others was the shocking discovery of nearly a whole bag of uneaten Jelly Belly Candy Corn. They threw the deliciousness away because the Big Guy insanely said that it was "ass flavored", but not to the Pants! Candy Corn, meet Clancy Dolan!! Remembering how Jessica uncovered my hiding places in the past, I smartly took the bag and hid it under the pillows on the guest bed. But that was not all, oh no! I then took half the candy out of the bag and brought it into the Big Guy and Jessica's room and hid it in THEIR pillows! TWO hiding places...ingenious!!!
Once the booty had been buried, I got to work and devoured me some candy corn!! Mmmm mmmm delicious!! After I had filled my tummy up with vanilla goodness, I waited at the window for the Big Guy to return home. Once he did, I got into trouble and totally pretended to be sad (Kid Rock, you would have been proud!), but after 15 minutes we were friends again. MUCH more importantly, he did NOT find the candy corn I had so expertly hidden!
A few hours later my stomach was not feeling well, but the Big Guy wanted to take me for a walk and I had to pretend everything was a-ok so as not to arouse suspicion. Halfway down the block though, I totally felt the corn coming up....and I puked in the street!! Right in front of all my neighborhood watch friends - oh the embarassment! And then twenty feet later, I did it AGAIN. The horror!!! I lowered my head in shame as we trudged back to the house.
With his suspicions raised from the Vomit March, the Big Guy did his best Lewis and Clark as he went exploring the house and quickly found what I had done in their bed. Not only did I hide the candy corn in the sheets, but I may or may not have puked a few times in the bed first (hint: I totally did!).
Foiled!
The Pants is seriously ashamed I can't hold my candy corn liked I used to.
So after the vomit discovery the Big Guy yelled at me. A lot. It was NOT good times. But I proceeded to hide under the bed for half an hour and all was right with the world. Well, it was until Jessica got home and told the Big Guy to look in the guest bed for more candy. Dammit.
I don't see any candy Big Guy! What are you talking about??
Oh, THAT candy! I think Jessica put it there??
So needless to say it was another half-hour under the bed for the Pants AND all the candy was thereby removed from the premises. Oh well, at least me and the Big Guy are friends again, right?
Or not.
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