The Return of the Pants!!

Reader peeps, I have missed you!!! Thank you for your comments and words of encouragement during these dark days - they have meant a lot to the Pants. You will soon see why!! It has been far too long since I have posted, but I was unable to get on my laptop for very, very sinister reasons. This is going to be a difficult post to get through, but hang in there with me reader peeps, we can do it together. First of all, the Big Guy and Jessica had a wedding. For years the Big Guy has said to me that he and I were going to run away together! I had it all envisioned, we would get in the car while Jessica (who is SUPER lazy) was sleeping, and head out on a cross-country caravan of fun! There would be laughs! There would be hilarity! And of course, there would be Starbucks:



I could already taste the caramel yumminess!!



But NO!! The Big Guy got married to Jess instead. Okay, at least now the Pants is no longer a bastard child, so that's good. But was the Pants invited??? Nope. Not even as flower dog. Laura picked me up and I went and got licked on by Mozart for 2 days. Then I came back and Grandpa Jim, Grandma Linda, Brian and his new squeeze Sara were at my house! It was awesome! What a party on Sunday!! Also all of Jessica's relatives from FL were there and they were hilarious! So things had turned around....until the Big Guy and Jessica woke up in the middle of the night on Monday and just left! "Bye Pants, see you next week." Next week??? I mean, WTF??? This was the face I gave them:



So you can't get up early to play with the Pants, but you can get up early to abandon the Pants?? Hmmph. I no longer want to run away with the Big Guy - this hurt just cut too deep. Much too deep.

Who am I kidding, I still want to run away with him...look at him in this picture He's hilarious!



Monday morning I was pretty worried when everyone else started leaving too! Thank goodness Grandpa Jim did not forget to let me come with him to Plano. This is Grandpa Jim - he is freaking awesome! He took me for super long walks and let me bark at whoever I want!



So for 8 days I hung out in Plano, or P-Town as the Pants calls it, while Jess and the Big Guy had all kinds of fun in Zihuatanejo, Mexico. Let's enjoy their great times that in no way included the Pants, shall we? Oh, look at the beautiful sunset that I didn't get to see because I was in PLANO!!



Oh look, how fun! Look at the huge, awesome turtle that I would have loved to chase but didn't get a chance to since I was 1000 miles away and, oh yes, ABANDONED!!!!



Look at the beds on the beach they got to lay on. You know who else likes to lay on beds? THE PANTS!!! I'm sorry, I know I'm upset, and I know that they don't allow dogs at places like this, but I'm still incensed. The Pants would have loved to lay on a bed on the beach and crush on all the cute local surfer boys!



Hold on a second...WHAT THE HELL???



The Pants has been lied to!!! The INJUSTICE!!!! The TREACHERY!!!! Readers is that or is that not a dog on the beach??!!! I believe that the Big Guy's own camera says yes! At least it wasn't like the Big Guy was playing with him:

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WHAT???? Dear Lord.

Reader Peeps. There are no words to describe the feelings of my heart right now. The Big Guy and Jessica (but mainly the Big Guy) LIED to me and told me dogs couldn't come to Mexico. Well, well, well. You both are fibbers and frauds!!! "We wish you could come with us Pants, but we can't take dogs." OH REALLY???!!! Choice words will DEFINITELY be doled out later. The only silver lining is that the last two days they totally got Montezuma's revenge and couldn't stop pooping water! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Look at their stupid sick faces!





I'm going to go lay under the bed and think of revenge. If you have any ways to make them sick again, please let me know peeps. When I recover, I'm going to post pictures of the most fun night ever! Dinner at MM's house!

Hurricane Wedding

Ok, so now I actually do feel a little bad for Jessica, but more bad for me. I hate thuder, and there will certainly be thuder this weekend while I am at Laura's, so maybe if I'm nice, Jessica will let me come to the hurricane wedding with her family?? I would be a cute ring bearer. And there will certainly be extra food and drinks as so many dropouts are happening!! LOL!!! Ok, that was mean, I'm sorry Jessica. (But mainly I'm sorry for the big guy!)

Jessica - Here is a Raspberry for you!!!!

Okay, so, the air conditioner is fixed. But that has not solved what has become a major problem in the life of the Pants. Jessica is home - all day, every day. At first, I thought this was just going to be some kind of "temporary" thing, but it looks like it might be more permanent and thus, more dire for the Pants!!!

I don't know what I did to make Jesus mad at me!! I have one, fairly easy, job - to look cute, and I think I am very good at that!! (Unlike Jessica was at her job apparently)! But, he has inflicted me with her presence. She sits there, watching, judging, I have no privacy!! It is terrible friends!!! To illustrate just how bad it is, here is a list of 50 people, real and fictional, dead and alive, with whom the Pants would literally rather spend all day every day!! With the exception of the Big Guy, this list is in no particular order!

1. The Big Guy
2. Frito Guy
3. MM
4. Sunny
5. TIM
6. Kelli
7. A young Adolph Hitler
8. Sam Skaggs
9. Mozart (the dog)
10. Laura!
11. The Batman
12. The Joker (shudder!)
13. Grandpa
14. Uncle Brian
15. John Adams
16. Idi Amin
17. Luke Ford
18. Cloris Leachman
19. Tootie from the Facts of Life
20. Al Gore
21. Manbearpig
22. Jon and Kate plus their 8
31. Don Draper
32. Michael Vick
33. Paris Hilton
34. Hurricane Gustav
35. Tim Gunn
36. Michael Cera
37. John Edwards (both the cheating Senator and the guy who can help me "cross over")
39. Phil Connors from Groundhog Day
40. John Black
41. Agent Dale Cooper
42. Josiah Bartlett
43. Bro Person
44. Suede from Project Runway
45. Vanilla Ice
46. Downey Juniors
47. Attila the Hun
48. Dracula
49. Casey Affleck
50. Tobias Funke

As you can see, this mix of people includes some pretty horrible ones (Suede from Project Runway - yikes!)!! So, you get the idea of how bad it is here!! Can someone please give Jessica a job??? Or at least get her out of the house?? Or at least, get the Pants out of the house???

Hot Hot Heat

I am not talking about that crappy band either. Either Jessica or the Big Guy broke the A/C or did not pay the bill or something, because the last two days have been Congo-hot. I think yesterday at one point it was 400 degrees!! I don't know what they did, but Jessica and the Big Guy have to get this fixed. I have a lot of hair, and I'm dying. I've been under the bed for two days since it's cooler under there. The Big Guy checks on me and puts his arm under there, but Jessica can't fit because she's so fat!! More reasons the Big Guy should take me to Zihuatanejo instead! (Please Big Guy!!! It will be so fun! We can frolic in the ocean, and you can revel in my cuteness!!!)

Until they fix the A/C, the Pants is protesting by going for the guiness book of world records for the longest time a Pants can stand up straight. check me out below in hour #2 of my quest:



As much as I want to be a world record holder like my girl Shawn Johnson (What up Shawn? You should read my blog!!!) I hope they fix the A/C. If I fall down at some point I'm going to go leer at Jessica. Fridays are for leering. Have a good weekend reader peeps!!!

What a Month!

First - a movie about me is a big summer hit!!! The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2!! I didn't know there was a first one! You would think someone would tell me these things, especially if I am the subject/inspiration. From what I can gather, a bunch of sisters worship the Pants as I travel!!! I love travel!!! Those sisters must be crazy fun!!

And next, my human counterpart, Shawn Johnson, aka "The Human Clancy," wins a gold medal!!! I was totally waving my paws at the tv giving her the props!! She is almost as cute as me!! Good times!

To sleep, perchance to dream. . .

One of my favorite things to do is sleep!! I love the sleep!!! Sometimes I have good dreams, sometimes I have bad dreams, but I always have dreams!! I thought my reader peeps would like a little glimpse into my mind! So, here is what I'm thinking as I sleep!!!

"Taurus, Taurus, Taurus, Big Guy, Taurus, Big Guy, Frito Guy, Greenies, Greenies, Taurus, Squirrel, Chasing Squirrel . . .""MMMMM Squirrel chasing, Taurus, Taurus, Greenies, Greenies, Greenies, Big Guy, Big Guy, Trash parties, Big Guy, Trash parties, Taurus, Playing with the Big Guy. . .""Playing with the Big Guy, Hilarious Big Guy, Trash parties, Trash parties, Jessica, Jessica, oh no JESSICA!""Whew, no Jessica, it was just a dream that turned into a nightmare! Ok, back to sleep!""Big Guy, Taurus, Greenies . . ."

The Mozart

Friends, peeps and fellow countrymen (with the Olympics approaching the Pants is getting very patriotic! You're going down China!!), I ask you today to be brave. Do not be scared, though if you weigh 22 pounds like me (a very sleek 22 pounds mind you) it is hard not to be!! Readers, I present to you....the Mozart!



Mozart is a super big and super...ummm.."playful" french poodle who I think drinks a case of Red Bull every morning. He is like the Energizer Bunny on speed, crystal meth and mountain dew! He never stops!! Kind of like the Terminator in T2, except without the cool special effects.

Now, I do love the Mozart and I know the Mozart loves the Pants, but man, he just needs cool out like the Fonz sometimes. (Hey, if Jessica and the Big Guy can to see a bunch of has-beens like Cheap Trick in concert, I can totally make Fonzie references!! Nobody is cooler than the Fonz!!)

Whenever I get to come over to Laura's house, after riding in the land boat, I run inside to say what's up to my BFFs Tico and Coco (And Samantha if she's there, cause she is one cool human person!!) and before I can even say hey or give them a fist bump, here comes Mozart, at like 5 times my size, sliding across the floor at me at 100mph!!! It looks like this! (prepare yourself reader peeps, this is not for the faint of heart!)



Then the Mozart always begins licking the Pants with his 4 foot long toungue!! I know it is just his way of saying "what up Pants?", but it's super, super gross. I don't like baths, especially saliva baths!! Seriously grosstastical!!! I am not cool with that Mozart!

Spit bathing aside, we do have fun with the Mozart! Since he's still a puppy, he is not very worldly like Coco, Tico and myself (he has never even wore doggles on a boat! he has not lived I tell you!!!) so we like to stump him with current event type questions. Oh man, he gets sooooo confused!!! Like this weekend, Tico and I were having a passionate discussion about illegal immigration and its effect on the U.S. economy, when we asked Mozart if he thought Obama or McCain had the best plan. This was totally the look he gave us!!


We laughed and laughed!!! I mean look at that face!! LOL!!!

So all in all, Mozart is pretty cool - he's just young. However, I think he could eat me if he ever wanted to, so I hope he doesn't read this blog and get mad!!! You are the tops Mozart!!

On the subject of blogs, all dogs should have one! Being a dog is super stressful sometimes (you humans have no idea!), and I can always rely on my blog to vent and blow off steam. But some people think my blog is silly and stupid. Can you believe this reader peeps??!!! I am outraged! The injustice!! The discrimination!!! For instance this guy, who I will only refer to as "Captain Poopface", thinks my blog is silly and doesn't think that I write it myself:



Well Captain Poopface, I am working on an online degree from UTEP (the "Harvard of West Texas") and you can't get an online degree from UTEP if you can't read and write! Such misconceptions about the Pants!!! I may not have opposable thumbs, but if you cut me do I not bleed??!! (sigh) As long as there are Captain Poopface types out there, the Pants will continue to blog and continue to fight for truth, justice and the American way. At least I will whenever I'm not hiding from the Mozart.