Hand Me a Cafferty!

Check out the new link I posted to my main homegirl Jen Cafferty's blog! She totally is blogging like me!!

Jen, I know you don't like dogs but now that we both blog, can I come live with you?? Or at least visit every other weekend like I was the unwanted daughter you never had??

Surprisingly insightful answer for Tim's Wal-Mart Question

The Mozart, whom the Pants misses despite herself, but never thought was very bright, provides this surprisingly good suggestion for Tim!!!

The Mozart writes:

A suggestion for Wal-mart guy. Buy needed items for Ike victims and then use the receipt for tax deduction.

Very clever indeed Mozart!!! Tim, I think we have a winner!

Very Serious Question - Help Out My Furry Friends

The Marilyn (better known as my homegirl MM) writes:

Hi Pants,

The Marilyn is wondering how the Pants feels about trading in her Sugar and Spice models for some cute puppies who were abandoned by their Big Guy after Hurricane Ike. The Marilyn knows she is not supposed to want to upgrade her furry charges but the Marilyn cannot help it! Replacement Sugar and Replacement Spice are so freaking cute! Notice how Replacement Sugar (the black one) and Replacement Spice (the brown one) are so small and how they don’t look as prone to trying to eat the Pants when there are flirtini visits. Also note how I could refer to them as the Replacements and we could all laugh at the Keanu Reeves movie reference. Finally, note Replacement Sugar's already apparent willingness to blend with my life style by falling asleep near a phone that's not ringing and the tv remote control. In short, Pants, I think you can see why the Replacements would be upgrades from the Originals. Failing that, Pants, please help these tiny Ike-tykes find a home with their own Big Guy.

Dear MM,

You are in quite a quandry!! Replacement Sugar and Replacement Spice look totally awesome!! They also look totally young, and the Pants could totally teach them about the world, Big Guys, Fritos, Flirtinis, watching Sex and the City Movies, etc. Man, it would be so much fun!!! Plus, "The Replacements!"!! LOL MM!!!! You totally make the Pants laugh and laugh. The Pants loves her some Keanu Reeves! He is dreamy! I think I'm going to watch some Point Break after finishing this post!!

Alas, it would be too cruel to replace the Originals! They cannot help that they want to eat the Pants, and that they don't like Flirtinis, and that they are generally kind of lame. Plus, you love them, you know you do!!! You are too good MM!!! And, they are also kind of cute!

So, the Pants will help you in any way to find these Displaced Ike Replacements in a good home!! If any reader peeps out there want to adopt these adorable refugees (Brangelina???) please contact the Pants at jesjlmaloney@yahoo.com. Or, leave a comment and let the Pants know!! I have no doubt that we can find these guys a good home. However, MM, if we cannot, I will totally go with you to dump the Original Sugar and Spice at Sunny's house! She is a sucker and would totally take them in!!!

A much less intelligent question from Tim

Tim asks: I hear the word is the bird. IS the word the bird?

No! The "bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word." Not the other way around. Silly Tim!

Important Gift Card Question

One of my favorite humans and one of my most inquisitive readers, Tim, asks the following:

I don't shop at Wal-Mart much because they squash the mom & pop store and treat their employees poorly...and they are from Arkansas and who can support anyone being from Arkansas (NOT me!!)!!! Anyway, I have a sizable gift card from Wal-Mart, how should I spend it?

Well, Tim, while I agree with you on Wal-Mart sucking the big one, I cannot agree on your Arkansas comments! The Big Guy is from Arkansas, and he totally rules!!! Yes, it is a very weird and annoying place, this is true. And they name their towns annoying "cute" combo names like Arkadelphia!! Seriously, that is soooo annoying!!! Actually, maybe the Big Guy is the only good thing to come out of Arkansas!!

So, back to the Wal-Mart. There are several things you could do with your gift card Tim. Depending on how sizable it is, you could have a lot of fun. First, the serious route. You could totally buy awesome presents for Kelli and my main girl Harli!!! Just make sure you do not give them the awesome gifts in a Wal-Mart box or bag. Then they would be insulted and would have to throw poop at you.

For example, the Kelli totally deserves and would love these little gems, which can be found at Wal-Mart for only $9,000:

And the Harli would totally rock this Rock Star Tee befitting her name, also, available at Wal-
mart, just ignore the pussy dog model!:

And the whole fam. would totally enjoy this:The Big Guy wants one of those, but Jessica is too poor and stupid to get it for him!

Or, you could buy some guns and ammo and totally shoot up the Wal-Mart! You might go to jail, but it would be awesome!! Especially if you work your "Danger, Men Cooking" apron! I love that!! LOL!!!! Or you could buy paint supplies, poster board, etc. and make signs to stage your own Wal-Mart protest!! But that would be a lot of work. The Pants would probably get bored halfway through, so I would advise against that!! I think the easiest way to stick it to Wal-Mart and to solve your problem would be to buy a gift card with your gift card!! And then give it to someone you don't like!! Preferably someone from Arkansas!!! I am getting to your other questions Tim, have patience!! And keep the questions coming!! The Pants knows that an inquisitive mind is a true sign of intelligence, and the Pants loves the way yours works!!!!

Important Baseball Question

This questions comes from one my most loyal readers, and most favorite human persons in the whole world - From Tim!!

Tim writes:

Dear Pants,

What is up with the Red Sox backup catcher Kevin Cash and his catching helmet? Doesn't he know he is supposed to wear the helmet backwards when he puts his mask on? Does he think he is stylish? Does Jason Varitek wear his helmet forward? Carlton Fisk? Jody Davis? Did Yogi Berra wear his cap forward? What about Ed Baily or Forrest Harrill "Smokey" Burgess? The answer is NO! Why, The Pants, why does Kevin Cash think he can do it?

Kevin Cash:

Wow, that is one good observation about the Kevin Cash's helmet and how crazy wiggity wacked up that is!!! And also major Pants Props to Tim for calling out all those famous catchers. NOBODY called a game like Smokey Burgess. Or could make better corn fritters. Mmmm mmmmm good!!!

But I digress my sweet Tim, back to your question of why the Kevin Cash wears his helmet frontwards - I wasn't sure. He was born in Tampa, which he can't help, but then he played for Toronto in Canada. They do things a LOT differently up there in Canada!! Maple Leaf country is nuts!! If you watch South Park every week as the Pants does, you would know that Canada only has ONE road, that they once elected Saddam Hussein the Prime Minister, and that Canadians have flapping heads that are all full of lies!!! It's MADNESS!!!



So when I have questions about Canada, I call up my main Canada homeboy Pierre. This is Pierre:



Pierre's Big Guy is a Mountie!! So I know he will totally give me the 4-1-1. When I told Pierre about this Kevin Cash human person, Pierre told me that tons of catchers have caught for the Expos and the Blue Jays, and none did this before, so it wasn't Kevin Cash's being exposed to the madness of Canada that caused this! Wowsers!! As always, good hookup on the info Pierre. Pierre is one of my BFF!! LYLAS!!! ROFL!

So I had to get right to the source. I texted the Kevin Cash and totally threw some cute pics and some emoticons his way (Ex: "Here is a ttly cute pic of me. Hit me back yo! LOL! ;-)) In subsequent texts, the horrifying truth came out!!! Apparently the Kevin Cash lost a bet with the Jason Varitek (the Sox starting catcher for all you other reader peeps) that I cannot discuss the details of in this blog, suffice to say that BOTH the Kevin Cash and the Tek should be very, very ashamed of themselves, and they are lucky they are not suspended from the planet. They both did dirty, dirty things reader peeps!! Yikes!!!

So Tim, the answer to your question is that the Kevin Cash wears his hat the wrong way because he is a giant douche who does gross things in the clubhouse. Please do not ask the Pants to comment further!!! Please tell Kelli with an "I" and Harli that I expect flirtinis and some good H-town gossip at the end of the month. Also, do I have to bring Jessica, or can just the Big Guy and me come?? Please??? Look how cute I am!

Horrible Halloween Question

My dear friend Mitsu writes:

Dear Pants,

It's October again and I'm getting stressed out thinking of that humiliating human event called Halloween. My Mom likes to dress me in silly, demeaning outfits and then takes me out in public for everybody to see! Can't she see how stupid I look in these get-ups? How can I discourage her from dragging me into this annoying human "holiday" this year?

Mitsu, Shiba Princess of the Orient

This question was accompanied by this picture:

Dear Mitsu:

All I can say is wow, that is seriously the most terrifying costume I have ever seen!!!! I would totally not want to go out in public like that! That is the worst kind of humiliation a pooch can suffer!!! Last year, Jessica and the Big Guy (mainly Jessica) wanted to dress me up in this:

While admittedly, the Pants would have rocked that outfit, thankfully cooler heads prevailed and the Big Guy did not make the Pants dress up for Halloween! Or maybe he was just too cheap to buy the costume. Whichever, I did not have to wear it!!

Instead, I got to help hand out candy to the kids when the knocked on the door!! This is totally what I think Mitsu should do!! It is soooo exciting!! Their are tons of knocks at the door, which means tons of opportunities for barking and running up and down the hallway like a maniac! Also, kids love the Pants, so there was plenty of petting and love for me!! Then, you give them candy, which makes you even more loved!! So, Mitsu, here is what you need to do. You need to get a big bowl and fill it with candy. Then, hand out the candy to your owners. When they are reading, watching t.v., whatever, just bring them a piece of candy!! If they are smart humans, maybe they will see how cute it is to have a dog handing out candy and forgo dragging you through the neighborhood in that hideous outfit!!

However, if they still try to dress you up, I have two suggestions. Trash Parties and Peeing. First, have a Trash Party. Not related to Halloween at all, it just like totally awesome!!! Second, pee on the costume. As many times as it takes. You may get in trouble, in which case, have ANOTHER TRASH PARTY!! You are already in trouble, so why not?? And if your costume is peed on, they will be too mad to take you out!!

Good luck to you fair Mitsu! Keep me posted!