My first "Dear Pants" Question!

jack said...
My hair is thick and kind of scratchy. How do you keep your coat so lustrous and beautiful?


Good question Mr. Jack, and thank you for noticing how beautiful and lustrous my coat is!! I spend a lot of time on it so that means a lot to me!! The first thing I must ask you Mr. Jack is where do you go for your shampoos and your haircuts?? This is very important!! I cannot stress this enough!! If you go to a poopy place you're going to come out looking like poop!! I used to go to Petsmart, and I would come out looking like I was out of a concentration camp!!

Now the Big Guy and Jessica take me to Groomingdales Day Spa, and they use only the finest imported shampoos and conditioners on my hair. Even more importantly they express my anal glands, which not only makes the Pants feel better, but it gives me a glow that lasts for up to six weeks. My suggestion to you loyal reader Mr. Jack, is to stop using Pert Plus, get some high class shampoo (call Groomingdales and tell them the Pants sent you! They will totally hook you up my bro!!) and get your anal glands expressed. In no time, your hair is going to be so lustrous no female human person will be able to stop rubbing their fingers through it!!

Tico is a Rascal!!!

My main man Tico sent me an email that had the headline "To help you get over hump day" last Wednesday, so I thought it might be a little pick me up...like a wise saying, or a poem, or maybe crucial, new information about the new line of greenies that has been rumored about for months....

But instead it was this:



Oh man!!! Humpaholic!!! LOL!!! You TOTALLY got me Tico!! LOL! ROFL!! Reader peeps, nobody in the universe is funnier than Tico. Not even the Big Guy!!

Movie Review - Stop-Loss

A happy fun Tuesday to you readers!

Tuesdays used to be fun for the Pants, but that was when every Tuesday meant I got to go to Taurus! (Oh TAURUS DAYS!!!! How I do remember thee!!) If you are a dog reading this right now and you have access to a car or a Big Guy, then go to Tarus right now!!! It is the best place on earth!!!


But now, with things being tight in our house, I no longer get to go to Taurus. I don't even get to see Laura every day. (Big shout out to my human person Laura! I miss our talks!!) Instead I get to spend all day with Jessica. Oh. Joy.

Last night though, I curled up with Jess and the Big Guy and got to watch Stop-Loss, a movie about a soldier (played by short, little, tiny human person Ryan Philippe) who gets "stop-lossed" and has to go back to Iraq even though he's supposed to go home. Basically reader peep, if the government says you are stop-lossed, you are screwed big time. I think Iraq is like having to live in MM's attic except with more shooting. But it's hot and full of scary things and you're not sure why you're even up there.




Jessica and I had a coconut flirtini beforehand (sometimes she can be cool) and were very excited to check out the flick because:

(1) it was filmed here in my hood! Austin! What up 512???
(2) Philippe apparently was totally doing the makeouts with his co-star Abbie Cornish while he was filming, even though he was totally married to Reese Witherspoon who TOTALLY is like my female crush human person!! (that is human person-wise. dog-wise, you can't get more textbook "hollywood hot" than Lassie. you can close that case down right now! LOL!)
(3) Philippe left Reese and his kids to keep doing the makeouts with Abbie! Yikes!!!

So obviously there was a lot to see in this movie. So the Big Guy stars the movie and everybody in the movie is fired up to be in Texas in the movie!! I think Texas is pretty cool and all, but they all were kind of dumb about it. They kept yelling things like "Thank God I'm in Texas" and "I'm never leaving Texas cause it's so great" and "I'm really, really drunk in Texas!" Every time they yelled something silly about Texas, Jessica sighed, and the Big Guy ate another Mike & Ike. Suffice to say reader peeps, that many Mike & Ikes were eaten by the Big Guy this night!!

So the movie moves along and Philippe gets stop-lossed and he says "F the President!" to his C.O. Now, the Pants has never served in the military (though how cute would I look in a uniform?? SOOOOOO cute! Cuter than this little weiner, that much I can say!)



Anyway, the Pants knows you can't drop the bombs that start with F to your C.O. So Philippe gets put in the "stockade", which I think means that they were going to make him a horse or something. But Philippe does NOT want to be a horse, cause he just beats up two soliders and totally leaves! Whoah! Not bad for a guy who's like 5'4"! He must be like the Pants - low center of gravity and crafty.

With Philippe on the run, the military is not happy! It's like Philippe did a huge trash party and the military was the Big Guy!! Not good times!! But to solve things Philippe solider guy decides to try and drive to DC with the Abbie to talk to his Senator. This was stretching it even for the Pants, so I took a nap, and when I woke up little Philippe had a scar on his head and was deciding NOT to go to Canada and instead to go to Mexico. Ummm.....what? Now leaving the Reese Witherspoon started to make sense to the Pants!! If he's dumb enough to go to Mexico instead of Canada where they speak English, have universal health care, and have a cool maple leaf on their flag, well, the real life Philippe is dumb enough to leave the totally cutetastical Reese and their kids to go with the very, very plain and mannish Abbie. Words cannot describe the web of stupidity weaved by both on-screen and off-screen Philippe. But I will try...he is a total dumb ass. LOL!!

So in the end the Philippe goes back into the army and everyone is sad. The end.

I give the movie two paws (out of a possible four paws) because some of the fight scenes in the beginning were kind of scary. But Abbie's deep man-voice confused the Pants, and made the Pants sometimes think that this was some sort of transgendered movie. I give Ryan Philippe 2.5 paws for looking cute in the movie, 1 paw for his stupid, stupid movie plotline (going to see the senator) and then a negative 2 paws for leaving his kids and cute Reese to keep the makeouts going with this Abbie person.

Seriously, Reese and his kids:



Compared to this:



Mr. Philippe, you and your movie are both kind of dumb.

Help Me, Help You

Ok! So, I had a brilliant idea today!! (I have them everyday, but I don't always remember to blog about them!! LOL!) As the Pants is very wise, and has very many valid, absolutely correct, and unassailable opinions, I want to be generous and offer my services to my reader peeps! If you are having a difficult problem, need some fashion advice, hate your job, hate your roommate (believe me, I know A LOT about this topic - I live with Jessica), or just want the Pants's opinion on a particular topic, please, post your questions in the comments section, and the Pants will answer them!!! I will take all questions seriously, it will be my honor to serve!

Dinner Party at MM's

My dear readers, I have finally calmed down after the horrible revelation that while I had been abandoned by Jess and the Big Guy, that they had cheated on me by playing with other dogs in Mexico!! Choice words were doled out, and there were tears in the House of Payne this past week. I talked to my homeboy Tico about it (he also told me a few jokes, Tico is freaking da bomb!!! seriously!!!) and he told me that sometimes human people do things that don't make sense to us smarter dogs. Also he reminded me that there are a lot more rules for human people so sometimes us dogs should cut them some slack. Consider the slack totally cut!! So I've forgiven Jess and the Big Guy, because they have taken me on some SERIOUSLY long walks since I've been back and have rubbed my belly A LOT. So we are totally cool! Especially me and the Big Guy!!! Check out how hilarious he is! Good lord!:



Okay, so back to the point of this post. Last month, MM invited some of my favorite people over for dinner! The Big Guy and Jess!! Jack and Amy and one of my favorite little human people Samuel!! (The Pants LOVES dirt. And one time Samuel spent like an hour one time at my house just putting dirt on me. It was totally awesometastical!! Samuel is the cream in my coffee. LOL!) Sunny and Rob! I still talk about boating day on their boat with my peeps all the time! So it was basically the party to end all parties!

At first I thought that I was going to be abandoned at home because MM has two big dogs Sugar and Spice. Now, Sugar and I are totally homegirls after our 3 mile Bataan death march...I mean...the Mighty Texas Dog Walk. (Hey Dog Walk people, how about a walk when it's not 100 degrees! Poopheads.) If you forgot, here is Jess, MM, me and Sugar before the hottest day of Pants' life:



So Sugar rocks the house! But MM also has another dog named Spice. I totally want to meet Spice, but Spice is a little wilder and MM thought Spice might try to eat me. That's why I didn't think I would be able to come....but MM showed once again why she is the coolest of the cool!! She is Fonzie-cool!! She told the Pants I could come and she just put Sugar and Spice in their own guest room so the Pants could roam free without fear of being devoured. So let me tell you about what I like to call THE PARTY OF THE YEAR!!! First, MM had totally put out water for me to make the Pants feel at home! Well, it might have been Sugar and Spice's water bowl, but MM let me drink out of it:



Then MM did what she does best...she rubbed my belly and gave me the cuddles!!



Then I got a treat while the human people had some wine! It wasn't a greenie, but it was exotic and delicious! Two paws way up!!



After that it was time to party with my home slice Sunny! She always cracks the Pants up!



We both have gorgeous red hair, so I totally did my little Irish dance for her. I should totally be on "America's Got Talent". I wouldn't Hassle the Hoff, and he would make the Pants a star! Maybe we could both eat hamburgers off the floor together!!



Back to the PARTY OF THE YEAR!!! Guess who turned out to be the best belly rubber of them all?? Samuel!!! His tiny hands are seriously magical!!!



Plus, this time Samuel didn't throw anything at me. Thanks for that Sammy! Then it was time for dinner that MM cooked herself. I got jealous because everyone was raving about how awesome a cook MM was. (She makes more than tostadas Jessica. Take notes!!) Seeing I felt left out, Jessica told the Big Guy to bring me up to the table and give me some wine. I do enjoy a nice, smooth cabarnet in the summer. It really takes the edge off.



We had dessert (everyone at the table totally snuck me some...thanks guys!), told some stories, shared some laughs and just had a grand motherfreaking time.

Then MM put me up in attic which was really cool! I totally gave the camera a sweet-ass profile.



Then I overheard why I was up in the attic - there were RATS up there! I've been on the streets reader peeps, and rats are freaking terrifying. So I'm not going to lie to you, I got a little scared and told MM to get me the heck out of there.



Whew. So safe and sound back on the ground, I chilled underneath a bench while Sunny, MM, Jess and the Big Guy hung out and drank wine. Then after a last round of belly rubs, we headed home. MM, thanks for letting me party with all the human people! The Fab Four is the best!!!

The Return of the Pants!!

Reader peeps, I have missed you!!! Thank you for your comments and words of encouragement during these dark days - they have meant a lot to the Pants. You will soon see why!! It has been far too long since I have posted, but I was unable to get on my laptop for very, very sinister reasons. This is going to be a difficult post to get through, but hang in there with me reader peeps, we can do it together. First of all, the Big Guy and Jessica had a wedding. For years the Big Guy has said to me that he and I were going to run away together! I had it all envisioned, we would get in the car while Jessica (who is SUPER lazy) was sleeping, and head out on a cross-country caravan of fun! There would be laughs! There would be hilarity! And of course, there would be Starbucks:



I could already taste the caramel yumminess!!



But NO!! The Big Guy got married to Jess instead. Okay, at least now the Pants is no longer a bastard child, so that's good. But was the Pants invited??? Nope. Not even as flower dog. Laura picked me up and I went and got licked on by Mozart for 2 days. Then I came back and Grandpa Jim, Grandma Linda, Brian and his new squeeze Sara were at my house! It was awesome! What a party on Sunday!! Also all of Jessica's relatives from FL were there and they were hilarious! So things had turned around....until the Big Guy and Jessica woke up in the middle of the night on Monday and just left! "Bye Pants, see you next week." Next week??? I mean, WTF??? This was the face I gave them:



So you can't get up early to play with the Pants, but you can get up early to abandon the Pants?? Hmmph. I no longer want to run away with the Big Guy - this hurt just cut too deep. Much too deep.

Who am I kidding, I still want to run away with him...look at him in this picture He's hilarious!



Monday morning I was pretty worried when everyone else started leaving too! Thank goodness Grandpa Jim did not forget to let me come with him to Plano. This is Grandpa Jim - he is freaking awesome! He took me for super long walks and let me bark at whoever I want!



So for 8 days I hung out in Plano, or P-Town as the Pants calls it, while Jess and the Big Guy had all kinds of fun in Zihuatanejo, Mexico. Let's enjoy their great times that in no way included the Pants, shall we? Oh, look at the beautiful sunset that I didn't get to see because I was in PLANO!!



Oh look, how fun! Look at the huge, awesome turtle that I would have loved to chase but didn't get a chance to since I was 1000 miles away and, oh yes, ABANDONED!!!!



Look at the beds on the beach they got to lay on. You know who else likes to lay on beds? THE PANTS!!! I'm sorry, I know I'm upset, and I know that they don't allow dogs at places like this, but I'm still incensed. The Pants would have loved to lay on a bed on the beach and crush on all the cute local surfer boys!



Hold on a second...WHAT THE HELL???



The Pants has been lied to!!! The INJUSTICE!!!! The TREACHERY!!!! Readers is that or is that not a dog on the beach??!!! I believe that the Big Guy's own camera says yes! At least it wasn't like the Big Guy was playing with him:

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WHAT???? Dear Lord.

Reader Peeps. There are no words to describe the feelings of my heart right now. The Big Guy and Jessica (but mainly the Big Guy) LIED to me and told me dogs couldn't come to Mexico. Well, well, well. You both are fibbers and frauds!!! "We wish you could come with us Pants, but we can't take dogs." OH REALLY???!!! Choice words will DEFINITELY be doled out later. The only silver lining is that the last two days they totally got Montezuma's revenge and couldn't stop pooping water! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Look at their stupid sick faces!





I'm going to go lay under the bed and think of revenge. If you have any ways to make them sick again, please let me know peeps. When I recover, I'm going to post pictures of the most fun night ever! Dinner at MM's house!

Hurricane Wedding

Ok, so now I actually do feel a little bad for Jessica, but more bad for me. I hate thuder, and there will certainly be thuder this weekend while I am at Laura's, so maybe if I'm nice, Jessica will let me come to the hurricane wedding with her family?? I would be a cute ring bearer. And there will certainly be extra food and drinks as so many dropouts are happening!! LOL!!! Ok, that was mean, I'm sorry Jessica. (But mainly I'm sorry for the big guy!)