Dinner Party at MM's

My dear readers, I have finally calmed down after the horrible revelation that while I had been abandoned by Jess and the Big Guy, that they had cheated on me by playing with other dogs in Mexico!! Choice words were doled out, and there were tears in the House of Payne this past week. I talked to my homeboy Tico about it (he also told me a few jokes, Tico is freaking da bomb!!! seriously!!!) and he told me that sometimes human people do things that don't make sense to us smarter dogs. Also he reminded me that there are a lot more rules for human people so sometimes us dogs should cut them some slack. Consider the slack totally cut!! So I've forgiven Jess and the Big Guy, because they have taken me on some SERIOUSLY long walks since I've been back and have rubbed my belly A LOT. So we are totally cool! Especially me and the Big Guy!!! Check out how hilarious he is! Good lord!:



Okay, so back to the point of this post. Last month, MM invited some of my favorite people over for dinner! The Big Guy and Jess!! Jack and Amy and one of my favorite little human people Samuel!! (The Pants LOVES dirt. And one time Samuel spent like an hour one time at my house just putting dirt on me. It was totally awesometastical!! Samuel is the cream in my coffee. LOL!) Sunny and Rob! I still talk about boating day on their boat with my peeps all the time! So it was basically the party to end all parties!

At first I thought that I was going to be abandoned at home because MM has two big dogs Sugar and Spice. Now, Sugar and I are totally homegirls after our 3 mile Bataan death march...I mean...the Mighty Texas Dog Walk. (Hey Dog Walk people, how about a walk when it's not 100 degrees! Poopheads.) If you forgot, here is Jess, MM, me and Sugar before the hottest day of Pants' life:



So Sugar rocks the house! But MM also has another dog named Spice. I totally want to meet Spice, but Spice is a little wilder and MM thought Spice might try to eat me. That's why I didn't think I would be able to come....but MM showed once again why she is the coolest of the cool!! She is Fonzie-cool!! She told the Pants I could come and she just put Sugar and Spice in their own guest room so the Pants could roam free without fear of being devoured. So let me tell you about what I like to call THE PARTY OF THE YEAR!!! First, MM had totally put out water for me to make the Pants feel at home! Well, it might have been Sugar and Spice's water bowl, but MM let me drink out of it:



Then MM did what she does best...she rubbed my belly and gave me the cuddles!!



Then I got a treat while the human people had some wine! It wasn't a greenie, but it was exotic and delicious! Two paws way up!!



After that it was time to party with my home slice Sunny! She always cracks the Pants up!



We both have gorgeous red hair, so I totally did my little Irish dance for her. I should totally be on "America's Got Talent". I wouldn't Hassle the Hoff, and he would make the Pants a star! Maybe we could both eat hamburgers off the floor together!!



Back to the PARTY OF THE YEAR!!! Guess who turned out to be the best belly rubber of them all?? Samuel!!! His tiny hands are seriously magical!!!



Plus, this time Samuel didn't throw anything at me. Thanks for that Sammy! Then it was time for dinner that MM cooked herself. I got jealous because everyone was raving about how awesome a cook MM was. (She makes more than tostadas Jessica. Take notes!!) Seeing I felt left out, Jessica told the Big Guy to bring me up to the table and give me some wine. I do enjoy a nice, smooth cabarnet in the summer. It really takes the edge off.



We had dessert (everyone at the table totally snuck me some...thanks guys!), told some stories, shared some laughs and just had a grand motherfreaking time.

Then MM put me up in attic which was really cool! I totally gave the camera a sweet-ass profile.



Then I overheard why I was up in the attic - there were RATS up there! I've been on the streets reader peeps, and rats are freaking terrifying. So I'm not going to lie to you, I got a little scared and told MM to get me the heck out of there.



Whew. So safe and sound back on the ground, I chilled underneath a bench while Sunny, MM, Jess and the Big Guy hung out and drank wine. Then after a last round of belly rubs, we headed home. MM, thanks for letting me party with all the human people! The Fab Four is the best!!!

The Return of the Pants!!

Reader peeps, I have missed you!!! Thank you for your comments and words of encouragement during these dark days - they have meant a lot to the Pants. You will soon see why!! It has been far too long since I have posted, but I was unable to get on my laptop for very, very sinister reasons. This is going to be a difficult post to get through, but hang in there with me reader peeps, we can do it together. First of all, the Big Guy and Jessica had a wedding. For years the Big Guy has said to me that he and I were going to run away together! I had it all envisioned, we would get in the car while Jessica (who is SUPER lazy) was sleeping, and head out on a cross-country caravan of fun! There would be laughs! There would be hilarity! And of course, there would be Starbucks:



I could already taste the caramel yumminess!!



But NO!! The Big Guy got married to Jess instead. Okay, at least now the Pants is no longer a bastard child, so that's good. But was the Pants invited??? Nope. Not even as flower dog. Laura picked me up and I went and got licked on by Mozart for 2 days. Then I came back and Grandpa Jim, Grandma Linda, Brian and his new squeeze Sara were at my house! It was awesome! What a party on Sunday!! Also all of Jessica's relatives from FL were there and they were hilarious! So things had turned around....until the Big Guy and Jessica woke up in the middle of the night on Monday and just left! "Bye Pants, see you next week." Next week??? I mean, WTF??? This was the face I gave them:



So you can't get up early to play with the Pants, but you can get up early to abandon the Pants?? Hmmph. I no longer want to run away with the Big Guy - this hurt just cut too deep. Much too deep.

Who am I kidding, I still want to run away with him...look at him in this picture He's hilarious!



Monday morning I was pretty worried when everyone else started leaving too! Thank goodness Grandpa Jim did not forget to let me come with him to Plano. This is Grandpa Jim - he is freaking awesome! He took me for super long walks and let me bark at whoever I want!



So for 8 days I hung out in Plano, or P-Town as the Pants calls it, while Jess and the Big Guy had all kinds of fun in Zihuatanejo, Mexico. Let's enjoy their great times that in no way included the Pants, shall we? Oh, look at the beautiful sunset that I didn't get to see because I was in PLANO!!



Oh look, how fun! Look at the huge, awesome turtle that I would have loved to chase but didn't get a chance to since I was 1000 miles away and, oh yes, ABANDONED!!!!



Look at the beds on the beach they got to lay on. You know who else likes to lay on beds? THE PANTS!!! I'm sorry, I know I'm upset, and I know that they don't allow dogs at places like this, but I'm still incensed. The Pants would have loved to lay on a bed on the beach and crush on all the cute local surfer boys!



Hold on a second...WHAT THE HELL???



The Pants has been lied to!!! The INJUSTICE!!!! The TREACHERY!!!! Readers is that or is that not a dog on the beach??!!! I believe that the Big Guy's own camera says yes! At least it wasn't like the Big Guy was playing with him:

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WHAT???? Dear Lord.

Reader Peeps. There are no words to describe the feelings of my heart right now. The Big Guy and Jessica (but mainly the Big Guy) LIED to me and told me dogs couldn't come to Mexico. Well, well, well. You both are fibbers and frauds!!! "We wish you could come with us Pants, but we can't take dogs." OH REALLY???!!! Choice words will DEFINITELY be doled out later. The only silver lining is that the last two days they totally got Montezuma's revenge and couldn't stop pooping water! HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Look at their stupid sick faces!





I'm going to go lay under the bed and think of revenge. If you have any ways to make them sick again, please let me know peeps. When I recover, I'm going to post pictures of the most fun night ever! Dinner at MM's house!

Hurricane Wedding

Ok, so now I actually do feel a little bad for Jessica, but more bad for me. I hate thuder, and there will certainly be thuder this weekend while I am at Laura's, so maybe if I'm nice, Jessica will let me come to the hurricane wedding with her family?? I would be a cute ring bearer. And there will certainly be extra food and drinks as so many dropouts are happening!! LOL!!! Ok, that was mean, I'm sorry Jessica. (But mainly I'm sorry for the big guy!)

Jessica - Here is a Raspberry for you!!!!

Okay, so, the air conditioner is fixed. But that has not solved what has become a major problem in the life of the Pants. Jessica is home - all day, every day. At first, I thought this was just going to be some kind of "temporary" thing, but it looks like it might be more permanent and thus, more dire for the Pants!!!

I don't know what I did to make Jesus mad at me!! I have one, fairly easy, job - to look cute, and I think I am very good at that!! (Unlike Jessica was at her job apparently)! But, he has inflicted me with her presence. She sits there, watching, judging, I have no privacy!! It is terrible friends!!! To illustrate just how bad it is, here is a list of 50 people, real and fictional, dead and alive, with whom the Pants would literally rather spend all day every day!! With the exception of the Big Guy, this list is in no particular order!

1. The Big Guy
2. Frito Guy
3. MM
4. Sunny
5. TIM
6. Kelli
7. A young Adolph Hitler
8. Sam Skaggs
9. Mozart (the dog)
10. Laura!
11. The Batman
12. The Joker (shudder!)
13. Grandpa
14. Uncle Brian
15. John Adams
16. Idi Amin
17. Luke Ford
18. Cloris Leachman
19. Tootie from the Facts of Life
20. Al Gore
21. Manbearpig
22. Jon and Kate plus their 8
31. Don Draper
32. Michael Vick
33. Paris Hilton
34. Hurricane Gustav
35. Tim Gunn
36. Michael Cera
37. John Edwards (both the cheating Senator and the guy who can help me "cross over")
39. Phil Connors from Groundhog Day
40. John Black
41. Agent Dale Cooper
42. Josiah Bartlett
43. Bro Person
44. Suede from Project Runway
45. Vanilla Ice
46. Downey Juniors
47. Attila the Hun
48. Dracula
49. Casey Affleck
50. Tobias Funke

As you can see, this mix of people includes some pretty horrible ones (Suede from Project Runway - yikes!)!! So, you get the idea of how bad it is here!! Can someone please give Jessica a job??? Or at least get her out of the house?? Or at least, get the Pants out of the house???

Hot Hot Heat

I am not talking about that crappy band either. Either Jessica or the Big Guy broke the A/C or did not pay the bill or something, because the last two days have been Congo-hot. I think yesterday at one point it was 400 degrees!! I don't know what they did, but Jessica and the Big Guy have to get this fixed. I have a lot of hair, and I'm dying. I've been under the bed for two days since it's cooler under there. The Big Guy checks on me and puts his arm under there, but Jessica can't fit because she's so fat!! More reasons the Big Guy should take me to Zihuatanejo instead! (Please Big Guy!!! It will be so fun! We can frolic in the ocean, and you can revel in my cuteness!!!)

Until they fix the A/C, the Pants is protesting by going for the guiness book of world records for the longest time a Pants can stand up straight. check me out below in hour #2 of my quest:



As much as I want to be a world record holder like my girl Shawn Johnson (What up Shawn? You should read my blog!!!) I hope they fix the A/C. If I fall down at some point I'm going to go leer at Jessica. Fridays are for leering. Have a good weekend reader peeps!!!

What a Month!

First - a movie about me is a big summer hit!!! The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2!! I didn't know there was a first one! You would think someone would tell me these things, especially if I am the subject/inspiration. From what I can gather, a bunch of sisters worship the Pants as I travel!!! I love travel!!! Those sisters must be crazy fun!!

And next, my human counterpart, Shawn Johnson, aka "The Human Clancy," wins a gold medal!!! I was totally waving my paws at the tv giving her the props!! She is almost as cute as me!! Good times!

To sleep, perchance to dream. . .

One of my favorite things to do is sleep!! I love the sleep!!! Sometimes I have good dreams, sometimes I have bad dreams, but I always have dreams!! I thought my reader peeps would like a little glimpse into my mind! So, here is what I'm thinking as I sleep!!!

"Taurus, Taurus, Taurus, Big Guy, Taurus, Big Guy, Frito Guy, Greenies, Greenies, Taurus, Squirrel, Chasing Squirrel . . .""MMMMM Squirrel chasing, Taurus, Taurus, Greenies, Greenies, Greenies, Big Guy, Big Guy, Trash parties, Big Guy, Trash parties, Taurus, Playing with the Big Guy. . .""Playing with the Big Guy, Hilarious Big Guy, Trash parties, Trash parties, Jessica, Jessica, oh no JESSICA!""Whew, no Jessica, it was just a dream that turned into a nightmare! Ok, back to sleep!""Big Guy, Taurus, Greenies . . ."