Why I'm Awesome

I've just curled up on the couch here in front of our new HDTV (the Big Guy totally got a sweet deal at Best Buy! Thanks Grandparents for the cash!), and playing some serious Mafia Wars. My Mafia is WAY bigger than that of my human persons. I've got nearly 800 mafia friends! EIGHT HUNDRED! That's like as many people as live in New York! The Big Guy has 530 or so which isn't too bad, and Jessica only has 74. 74! That's not a mafia, that's a wimpia! Get some friends! LOL!

Because I have such a rock star mafia (it's a party in the USA for my mafia! Love ya Miley!), I thought of some other reasons that I'm pretty cool. Here are a few:

1. I am very, very cute.
2. My paws smell really good. Seriously. They do.
3. Except when I've been sick, I've never had an "accident" in the house.
4. I can curl up in really small spaces and then when people accidentally sit on me, I totally scare them! LOL!
5. I am friends with the one and only FRITO GUY!!! He smells like ham.
6. I am so adorable that Cafferty hugged me once. Rapture.
7. I've gone to Dallas and back like 10 times and never gotten sick or had anything bad happen to me. Trips to Houston on the other hand....
8. I'm still cute
9. I'm very active politically, socially and bellyrubally.
10. I fit perfectly between the Big Guy and Jessica in bed.
11. I was the first dog to show Al Gore where ManBearPig was located.
12. I am cute to the 14th power!

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas! Santa Claus left me not one, but TWO boners!!!

[editor's note: "boners" should have been "bones"]

Christmas Shoes!

The Big Guy hates this song so much it's hysterical!!! Seriously...just bring it up to him and watch him go nuts for like 10 minutes!! It's like mentioning something good about Obama to Glenn Beck except without the crying and general insanity. Oh man...Christmas shoes!!

Pants Does the Skaggs!! (Not literally...though I DO have my eye on you Jack)

Reader Peeps....I AM BACK!!! Sorry for the hiatus, it's been a brutal effort from the Pants. B-R-U-T-A-L! It has been a busy few months though...of which I plan to inform you completely!!

But first, I have to let you know all about the ridiculously super fun time I had at the Skaggs' house last Wednesday (Holla at your girl Amy! LOL!). It was the first Fab 4 get-together in like a billion years. For those of you that don't know, the "Fab 4" consists of the following:

1. The Big Guy

2. Jack

3. MM

4. Sunny!! (FYI - you are almost required to put exclamation points after her name. Nobody is sure why, but it's true)

They all started at the Law Firm That Shall Not Be Named at the same time, and have stayed serious peeps ever since then!! In short, the Fab 4 rocks even harder than late-80s Poison!!

Also in attendance: Rob (awesome!), Amy (the tops!) and Jessica (eh). Not to mention Samuel and Jane Ann were there. So all the elements were in place for a blow-the-roof-off-the-joint type of funfest! And oh it did not disappoint!! Here's a photocap of the night:

Casa de Skaggs! Note how pretty and fancy! Ooo-La-La!

Am I running to the door because (a) of excitement to see my peeps or (b) to get away from Jessica? Answer: BOTH!!

Samuel giving me the first of many, many crackers over the course of the night. Needless to say, Samuel is now my favorite human person ever.

Sunny mixing her world famous margaritas! She and Rob own their own margarita machine!! Seriously. They are like the Kennedys!! (pssst Sunny, adopt me!)

Enjoying one of the aforementioned margaritas - delish! - Also, before anyone makes fun of me for my new sweater let me tell you, it's awesome. I love blankets, and it's like getting to wear a blanket all the time! The Big Guy and I went to the Pizza Eating Contest at Home Slice a few weeks ago (Shockingly Jessica didn't go, thus, it was a blast! Also, props to Chris Floyd - 4 time champ! Nice job Chompy!) and I got really cold. Like, so-cold-that-I-couldn't-stop-shaking cold! The Big Guy took off his sweatshirt and wrapped it around me to keep me warm (note to all the ladies who I am trying to upgrade Jessica with - the Big Guy is a serious gentleman. He also buys thoughtful presents, and his face is delicious!). A week later, Jessica did me a solid and got me this sweater, and I love it. Make fun of me at your peril!!!

Jack and Jane Ann. All together now. On the count of 3 - 1....2....3....awwwwwwwwwww.

Jack holding court and dropping some serious comedy on the group. Note Sunny ferociously pounding her margarita!

Give. Me. Enchiladas.

Reader peep quiz: Samuel is (a) staring in utter amazement at the deliciousness of the ice cream cake that Amy made, (b) enthralled by Jack's sweet, sweet lumberjack beard or (c) in the process of squeezing out a massive deuce in his pjs.

Help.

Sunny: "Have some margaritas."

Rob: "No."

Sunny: "Have some margaritas now!"

Rob: "No."

Sunny: "I will force feed this entire blender to you if I have to!!"

Rob: "I'm going home."

The Law Firm That Shall Not Be Named kept her late doing boring crap, but MM showed up!!! MM, you are totally my girl. Let's do lunch!

Two pieces of advice:

(1) Amy - don't get too close to Jessica again as she may try to eat you. LOL!!

(2) MM, do NOT look at Jessica directly like this without some sort of eye protection (sunglasses, eyepatches, a wall between the two of you) or she might turn you to stone Medusa-style.

They are watching "Sit and Be Fit." Seriously. I wish I was making this up.

Reminder. I am cute.

Jessica: "I HATE being in pictures."

MM: "I look good in pictures!"

Jack: "I am a dork! And I love it!"

I think we'll end with this one...mainly because I have nothing else to add to it. Dorks.

Crap

I will admit readers, I still haven't been feeling quite myself of late. I have had this weird urge to cuddle with Jessica, and that really angers the Pants. Apparently, she got the SIM message and took me to the doctor. It turns out that my UTI is STILL not cleared up!!

The doctor did all kind of tests on me to figure out what was wrong. I was NOT happy!! They checked my poop and my ears, did an ultrasound of my bell, and took X-Rays!! $500 later, and I'm back on medicine. There are two upsides to my tale of woe: Jessica had to cough up the money (LOL!) and the medicine is giving me the runs. While the latter may not seem like an upside, I plan on having an "accident" somewhere very inconvenient and horrible for Jessica!! Especially since she left me alone for HOURS the other night to go see crappy U2. The Big Guy went as well, but I'm sure it was her fault. Plus, tomorrow they are going to some bar to watch football all day. Again - I'm sure this is Jessica's idea. So, while she's out tomorrow, she will get a great surprise!! LOLOL!! Any suggestions for where to leave her my gift?? I cannot WAIT!

Pants out!

I'm BACK!!!

Hello Readers!! Thank you for your patience! I did not realize that I was so behind in my blogging until I received the following e-mail from my peeps Emmett and Sugar:

Dear Pants,
Emmett and Sugar here. Our stupid mom managed to bust her laptop at home so we have not been able to follow your blog for weeks! Imagine our surprise when we finally got back online and discovered there were NO POSTS from the Pants! We are concerned, nay, alarmed! Here it is just weeks until October and we have not even begun to coordinate outfits and mischievous pranks to play on our servants (I mean, owners). Is everything okay, Pants? We misseth thee.

Paws and kisses,
Emmett and Sugar

P.S. Our mom is so dumb she forgot she had an entire filet mignon in the refrigerator until it was too late to cook it for humans so we got to eat it for dinner last night. Also, she forgot to clothes the door where she hides her dirty clothes last week and we ate a pair of her underpants and pooped them out in the yard. Take that, Ms. Close Your Closet Door.

Emmett and Sugar - DUDES!! I am sooo sorry for my lack of posting. I have been recovering for the past month - yes, that is MONTH, from my UTI. On the plus side, that means a month of butter treats. Butter treats are what I call my pills. Seriously, if you dip your pills in butter, they are DELICIOUS! I cannot recommend this enough!! Anyway, I also have been a bit depressed because of the weather. Seriously, I was all for some rain, I know we needed it, but COME ON!! The Pants needs to be free, to run, to frolic, not to be walked around a few times a day and not allowed to moon walk in the grass because it is wet. The damp weather has had me in a bit of a funk, but I am back peeps!! Willing to shake it off and begin blogging anew!

Recently, due to the weather, I have been relegated to playing mind games with Jessica to keep myself entertained. Basically, I stare at her non-stop all day, Sim-style!! That's right!! I act like a SIM! She HATES IT!! This is my Sim face!!

"I want something! You must figure it out!! Come on Jessica, figure it out!!"" LOLOLOL!!

I have also been cuddling with Jessica more than usual. She totally thinks I am still sick and wants to take me to the vet!! She's so distraught!! It's HILARIOUS!! The truth is that the fatter she gets, the more comfy her lap gets, so I get to nap and mock her fattitude!!! It's awesome!! Between the fat lap nap technique and the Sim stare, I think I am slowly breaking her!!

Oh no!! Here she comes!! I will be back tomorrow peeps with a summary of what I've been up to!! There have been hijinks, shenanigans, and tom foolerys galore!! Brace yourselves!! The Pants Is BACK!

U.T.I did not enjoy this trip to Houston!

Hello peeps!!  I will fill you all in on the deets of my weekend later.  But now I just want to share that while in Houston, I got a UTI, and I peed all over Frito Guy's carpet.  I'm sorry Frito Guy!!  Please invite the Pants back!  I promise I will be UTI-free next time!!  And thank you for coming to the hospital with me!!  Can I get some sympathy readers??  The Pants is sad.  :(

Sympathy for the Pants.  :(

Don't Talk About Book Club

Hello Readers!!! So sorry for my absence.  Once again, Jessica is unemployed and hogging the computer.  She sucks so bad I can't even explain my new level of disdain!!  Thankfully, she joined a "book club" (which will probably just consist of her drinking a lot of wine - I don't think she's smart enough to have any real insight into literature), so she was out of the picture this past Wednesday evening!  Which left the Big Guy and I alone to enjoy some quality time!!

The Big Guy went to Blockbuster to rent us a movie, while I took care of making the popcorn and flirtini's!  (The Big Guy LOVES my flirtini's!)  I couldn't wait to see what he would come back with.  I've been dying to try and solve the Case of Benjamin Button.  I could so totally be a crime dog!!  My neighborhood watch has prepared me greatly to look out for clues.  I could also go for something scary like Let the Right One In!!  Then I have an excuse to cuddle up to the Big Guy!!  

The popcorn was ready, the flirtini's were chilled, and I awaited the Big Guy's arrival.  Finally, he came home.  He came home with He's Just Not That Into You.  Really Big Guy!  Really!!

Movie FAIL!!

Now, I had to sit through this movie before with Jessica, and the Pants is Just Not That Into this movie.  Let me summarize the boring plot for you.  The girl from Big Love is a complete idiot and she's into the little douche mcgee from Entourage.  But he's not into her.  He's into Scarlett Johannsen, who, surprise surprise, is not into him.  She's into Bradley Cooper, who is married.  Somehow, we are supposed to see her pathetic ploy to steal a married man as ok because she is like his true love.  Whatever - HOMEWRECKER!!!  Apparently Bradley Cooper is into ScarJo, but not into his wife, who I guess is into him.  The Mac Guy decides that he wants to help the idiot from Big Love out with her inability to tell that a guy doesn't like her.  Why, who knows!!  Oh wait!! It's because he's into her!!!!  Wow!!  Jennifer Aniston and Ben Whofleck are also in the movie - they are into each other, but not into marriage.  And Drew Barrymore is in the movie for some reason, she winds up being into the little douche mcgee from Entourage.  Good Lord!!!  

People, I am seriously worried about the Big Guy.  Why would he pick this movie??  What happened to my Big Guy!!??  I never worried about his love of flirtini's before, because, let's face it, they are delicious!! But voluntarily renting terrible chick flicks?   Oh Big Guy, am I losing you?  The Pants is disconcerted.  I'm going to go ponder this in the Big Guy's office, and look for clues to his behavior.  (Benjamin Button - watch out, I'm totally going to solve you!)

Better times.