I'm BACK!!!

Hello Readers!! Thank you for your patience! I did not realize that I was so behind in my blogging until I received the following e-mail from my peeps Emmett and Sugar:

Dear Pants,
Emmett and Sugar here. Our stupid mom managed to bust her laptop at home so we have not been able to follow your blog for weeks! Imagine our surprise when we finally got back online and discovered there were NO POSTS from the Pants! We are concerned, nay, alarmed! Here it is just weeks until October and we have not even begun to coordinate outfits and mischievous pranks to play on our servants (I mean, owners). Is everything okay, Pants? We misseth thee.

Paws and kisses,
Emmett and Sugar

P.S. Our mom is so dumb she forgot she had an entire filet mignon in the refrigerator until it was too late to cook it for humans so we got to eat it for dinner last night. Also, she forgot to clothes the door where she hides her dirty clothes last week and we ate a pair of her underpants and pooped them out in the yard. Take that, Ms. Close Your Closet Door.

Emmett and Sugar - DUDES!! I am sooo sorry for my lack of posting. I have been recovering for the past month - yes, that is MONTH, from my UTI. On the plus side, that means a month of butter treats. Butter treats are what I call my pills. Seriously, if you dip your pills in butter, they are DELICIOUS! I cannot recommend this enough!! Anyway, I also have been a bit depressed because of the weather. Seriously, I was all for some rain, I know we needed it, but COME ON!! The Pants needs to be free, to run, to frolic, not to be walked around a few times a day and not allowed to moon walk in the grass because it is wet. The damp weather has had me in a bit of a funk, but I am back peeps!! Willing to shake it off and begin blogging anew!

Recently, due to the weather, I have been relegated to playing mind games with Jessica to keep myself entertained. Basically, I stare at her non-stop all day, Sim-style!! That's right!! I act like a SIM! She HATES IT!! This is my Sim face!!

"I want something! You must figure it out!! Come on Jessica, figure it out!!"" LOLOLOL!!

I have also been cuddling with Jessica more than usual. She totally thinks I am still sick and wants to take me to the vet!! She's so distraught!! It's HILARIOUS!! The truth is that the fatter she gets, the more comfy her lap gets, so I get to nap and mock her fattitude!!! It's awesome!! Between the fat lap nap technique and the Sim stare, I think I am slowly breaking her!!

Oh no!! Here she comes!! I will be back tomorrow peeps with a summary of what I've been up to!! There have been hijinks, shenanigans, and tom foolerys galore!! Brace yourselves!! The Pants Is BACK!

U.T.I did not enjoy this trip to Houston!

Hello peeps!!  I will fill you all in on the deets of my weekend later.  But now I just want to share that while in Houston, I got a UTI, and I peed all over Frito Guy's carpet.  I'm sorry Frito Guy!!  Please invite the Pants back!  I promise I will be UTI-free next time!!  And thank you for coming to the hospital with me!!  Can I get some sympathy readers??  The Pants is sad.  :(

Sympathy for the Pants.  :(

Don't Talk About Book Club

Hello Readers!!! So sorry for my absence.  Once again, Jessica is unemployed and hogging the computer.  She sucks so bad I can't even explain my new level of disdain!!  Thankfully, she joined a "book club" (which will probably just consist of her drinking a lot of wine - I don't think she's smart enough to have any real insight into literature), so she was out of the picture this past Wednesday evening!  Which left the Big Guy and I alone to enjoy some quality time!!

The Big Guy went to Blockbuster to rent us a movie, while I took care of making the popcorn and flirtini's!  (The Big Guy LOVES my flirtini's!)  I couldn't wait to see what he would come back with.  I've been dying to try and solve the Case of Benjamin Button.  I could so totally be a crime dog!!  My neighborhood watch has prepared me greatly to look out for clues.  I could also go for something scary like Let the Right One In!!  Then I have an excuse to cuddle up to the Big Guy!!  

The popcorn was ready, the flirtini's were chilled, and I awaited the Big Guy's arrival.  Finally, he came home.  He came home with He's Just Not That Into You.  Really Big Guy!  Really!!

Movie FAIL!!

Now, I had to sit through this movie before with Jessica, and the Pants is Just Not That Into this movie.  Let me summarize the boring plot for you.  The girl from Big Love is a complete idiot and she's into the little douche mcgee from Entourage.  But he's not into her.  He's into Scarlett Johannsen, who, surprise surprise, is not into him.  She's into Bradley Cooper, who is married.  Somehow, we are supposed to see her pathetic ploy to steal a married man as ok because she is like his true love.  Whatever - HOMEWRECKER!!!  Apparently Bradley Cooper is into ScarJo, but not into his wife, who I guess is into him.  The Mac Guy decides that he wants to help the idiot from Big Love out with her inability to tell that a guy doesn't like her.  Why, who knows!!  Oh wait!! It's because he's into her!!!!  Wow!!  Jennifer Aniston and Ben Whofleck are also in the movie - they are into each other, but not into marriage.  And Drew Barrymore is in the movie for some reason, she winds up being into the little douche mcgee from Entourage.  Good Lord!!!  

People, I am seriously worried about the Big Guy.  Why would he pick this movie??  What happened to my Big Guy!!??  I never worried about his love of flirtini's before, because, let's face it, they are delicious!! But voluntarily renting terrible chick flicks?   Oh Big Guy, am I losing you?  The Pants is disconcerted.  I'm going to go ponder this in the Big Guy's office, and look for clues to his behavior.  (Benjamin Button - watch out, I'm totally going to solve you!)

Better times.

LAURA HOLY CRAP LAURA!!!!

I apologize for the pseudo-profanity title reader peeps, but this weekend was crazy times!!!  I mean, crazier than Lindsey Graham after an Obama speech crazy!!!  Where to begin!!

This past Saturday I woke up after a night of sleeping with Jessica and the Big Guy and stretched out next to the bed.  I had low hopes for the day since I fully expected them both to sleep ALL DAY!! (Seriously, no human persons like sleep as much as Jessica and the Big Guy.  I mean, I LOVE sleep....but those two love it on a whole different level.  It's like...well, you know how some gay people like pretending to be straight and then there is Tom Cruise who LOVES to pretend to be straight?  Well that's them with sleep. I mean, no wonder they can't keep a job!)  

But lo and behold, got up right after I did...which obviously freaked me out.  I quickly checked the calendar to make sure it was Saturday.  When this type of freaky Halley's Comet-type behavior occurs it usually means that (a) they are going to that stupid place they call "work" and are taking me to Karen and Luke's (yay!); (b) they are going to stupid "work" and are going to leave me at home or take me to the Ford's house which is TERRIFYING without Karen and Luke there (blah!) or (c) they are leaving on a trip and are going to leave me behind (double blah!).

"Man it's fun on vacation without the Pants! Suck it Clancy!"

NOT COOL GUYS!!!!

To add to my nervousness, I watched Jessica randomly pack a big bag...they were going on a trip!!! Oh no!  To combat this I quickly devised a plan, McGruber-style - I followed the Big Guy from room to room all morning. I figured that if I stayed within 2 feet of him at all times he couldn't leave!  The plan was flawless...or so I thought.  Everything was cool until I leaned back to scratch myself, turned around...AND HE WAS GONE!!! Oh no!!!  What was the Pants to do??

Oh wait, he just went to the bathroom.  Oh stinky Big Guy!! :-(

But then the Big Guy packed up some of my stuff and we BOTH jumped into the Prius!  Oh Joy!  A few minutes later, we parked in front of a house...and I realized..IT WAS LAURA'S House!! Okay, it's Laura and Paul and Samantha's house, but it's quicker to say Laura.  Oh joy of joys with whipped cream on top!! I sprinted in and within 5 seconds both Laura and Samantha were rubbing my belly!!  The Big Guy said something, but let's face it, I didn't really care...I was at LAURA'S!!

For 12 hours it was heaven! I played with my peeps, went for walks, got treats and totally posed for some sweet pics for Laura.

"Can I make love to the camera or what??"

Around 8:30 everything was going along awesomely!  I was regaling Laura and Paul with stories of how stupid and smelly Jessica and the Big Guy can be when there was a knock on the door.  I leapt to my feet with excitement!! Who could it be??!! My mind raced!!  MM?? Luke Ford?? Jack?? Sunny?? Air Bud??  Jimmy McNaulty??  NO!  It was these two:

Above: Two ways to spell "D-I-S-S-A-P-P-O-I-N-T-M-E-N-T"

First of all, I quickly learned that not only was it NOT Air Bud, but my owners had been AT THE LAKE ALL DAY ON SUNNY'S BOAT AND THEY DID NOT INVITE ME!!!  I quickly took Tico's advice and began my deep breaths so as not to completely FREAK OUT!  As my loyal reader peeps remember, my one day on the boat last summer with Sunny (which is like 7 summers ago for the Pants) was only the greatest day of my life.  Thanks for the invite losers.

Luckily, the Big Guy and Jessica must have swallowed some lakewater because instead of being lame, they wanted to hang out with Laura and Paul and party!  So we all had some wine, gathered round, and totally hung out!  Mozart tried to hump me a bunch!  Coco told stories about the good old days...and Tico showed me some youtube clips that were totally NC-17!! I saw things that can't be unseen!! Oh Tico...you scoundrel! LOL!

All in all a good night was had.  We went home, watched some boob tube and hit the sack.  Sometimes Jessica and the Big Guy don't completely suck (though you're both on notice - next time I get to go on the boat!!!)

Heaven.

I hate to say I told you so. . . (just kidding, I love it!)

It turns out my pal Sugar is now on my side in the whole "sibling" debate of 2009!!!  Way to step up to reality Sugar!!!  Better late than never!!  She writes:

Dear Clancy,

In reading your blog, I have noticed that we have so many things in common.  One:  Neither of us wanted a new canine sibling.  Two:  We both love trash parties.  And Three (and most important for purposes of this communication), we both chase rodents.  I write to share with you--a fellow rodent-hunter--the details of my most recent victory.  First, some background.  As you know, the House of Gitmo has been plagued with rodents in the past.  My mom paid some idiot a bunch of money to come out and exterminate them.  He was worthless.  Not only did he exclude me the hunt, he didn't even allow me the pleasure of lolling around on top of their dead bodies to fully impregnate my fur with their rodentlicious smell.  But I digress.  The rodents returned.  In a gracious effort to teach my new little brother how to REALLY hunt rodents, I demonstrated by capturing this little guy in our backyard:
I pounced upon him and, once stunned, I proceeded to demonstrate to Emmett (the despised younger brother) how one should toy with one's prey for as long as possible in order to savor the victory.  FOILED!  My mom saw me and came to take the rodent away.  Probably because stupid Emmett was spinning around in circles and barking like an idiot. 

"Hello, I'm Emmett, aren't I handsome??  Look at me!!  La la la!!!"

Anyway, I knew I should've taken the rodent somewhere safe that she never goes (like the gym?) . . . But I was too proud.  So that is my lesson to you, Clancy.  I suspect the day when you catch a squirrel is not far off.  And when that blessed day comes, do not make the mistakes I have made.   Be sly, not proud.  Share your victory with NO ONE until the last breath leaves the evil rodent's body.  Until next time, Clancy.  Until next time.

Sugar Montano 
c/o Marilyn Montano 

I am so lame!!!

I have not been blogging and it is KILLING the Pants!!!  I shall return with a vengeance after being requested to do so by both my homegirl MM and my H-town peep Nancy. (What up sista???)  The short, short version of my last month:

- Jessica and the Big Guy got these contract jobs together.  The poor Big Guy has to spend ALL DAY with Jessica!!  I've been snuggling with him a lot more than normal these days, because all day with Jessica is TERRIBLE!! Oh poor Big Guy!

- Three days a week though I get to go spend the day with Karen, Luke and Baby Abby! The Fords!!!  They are so awesome they deserve multiple posts.  Luke is totally my new little bro, Baby Abby smells funny, and Karen is the cat's meow! 

- The Big Guy pulled down half the tree in the front year the other day, and when he did he totally fell on his back like he was in a cartoon.  Oh Big Guy!!

- I have been to the dog park multiple times and even got thrown in Town Lake!!  

- Yesterday, I was forced to watch "The Lady in the Water", or, as I like to call it, "The Two-Hour Turd".  It was the worst movie I've ever seen...and yes, it will be reviewed.

I'll be back soon with long posts that will make you laugh, make you cry and hopefully will make one of you kidnap Jessica to live with you.  (she was out of town last month...oh rapture!) Love you reader peeps!

Little Sister Don't You . . . DARE TRY TO STEAL MY BIG GUY!

Hello Readers! I know it has been a long time since you have heard from me, but this latest post is difficult for me to write! Oh the painful memories!! Anyway, as I posted a few weeks ago, the Big Guy and Jessica wanted to adopt a little sister for me. My friend Emmett told me it would be a great idea, I told him it would not and that he should shove it, and not surprisingly, I was right! The little sister was a DISASTER! And the worse part of the whole ordeal was that it was the Big Guy's idea!! I mean, I would expect this from Jessica. I pretty much ignore her, try to push her out of the bed, try to eat her food (although really, in that case, I'm just trying to help - PUT DOWN THE CHIPS FATTY!), and generally illustrate my disdain by glaring at her from across the room. She might want a little friend to cuddle with, but the Big Guy, he has no need to stray from our relationship! But he did, and I haven't quite forgiven him yet.

So, before I regale you with the "Tale of Juniper" (it's not as catchy as Mrs. Clancy Pants), I thought I would take a little jab at the Big Guy by posting pictures from some of our most recent adventures and general good times. If this does not shame him into never wanting to get another dog ever ever again, then nothing will work. (NOTE: This will work. The Big Guy is a Big Wimp, he hates the guilt!)

Big Guy, remember the fun times we had at the Dog Fair in Brentwood Park?? I do!! Like it was yesterday!

"Thank You Dog Fair! I FEEL welcome!!"

"Oh Big Guy, I know you will always have my back! (At least, I knew it at the time!)"

Remember how we checked out all the sites!

You helped me realize that I did not want to go through the freaky blue tunnel.

"Nope."

But you helped me realize that I did want to go over the kick ass obstacle pyramid thing!

"ADRIENNE!!!!"

And to top it all off, we ran into my buddy Astro!!

"Astro, seriously, how can you get that close? GAG!!"

"My pleasure, PEEP-LES."

Then, we celebrated both of our birthdays!! We are both Pisces, no wonder we are so perfect together. First, for your birthday, John and Cafferty came to hang out and karaoke with me and Pink Guy!! It was awesome!!!

"Menage-a-trois anyone?"

"Heaven!"

"Ok Pink Guy, I'll sing one more!! 'If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it!'"

NICE!

And then there was my birthday, which was like 50-something days ago according to the stupid countdown thing on the side of my blog, which Jessica probably put up and can't figure out how to take down!! We went to the dog park, just the two of us!!! It was wonderful, dare I say, funderful!

"Are we there yet???"

"OMG, I'm having so much fun, I think I'm going to start hallucinating!"

"Grandpa???"

"Probably time to go home, but WHAT A DAY!!!"

Alas, then it all went awry. Suddenly, that little tart Juniper was EVERYWHERE!!!! She was at Poochtini and Peticure night, she showed up at trivia at Mother Egan's, and it was all okay because she was with her own people.

"Um, okay, I don't think I can get the answer by osmosis."

"No, I AM CUTE, but I do not think we look cute together! What kind of question is that Big Guy?"

Then she showed up at our HOUSE!!! And her people left her!! It was awful. The Big Guy was feeding us both, and I was upset. He was letting her play with my toys, and I was upset. She was lying on my couches, and I was upset. She got up in my bed and I was LIVID! All weekend I avoided her. She'd come near me, and I would go hide in the other room. Jessica was upset because I wasn't making an effort. (I didn't really care.) The Big Guy started feeling the guilties (DUH!). And, in the end, it became clear that there could only be one top dog. ME!!!!!! Here are some pics of the horrors. Warning - they are not for the squeamish or faint of heart.

"You are not on the neighborhood watch. Please cease and desist!"

"Well, make yourself at home why don't you! That's MY couch! (Even if I rarely sit there.)"

"I am locking myself in this prison until you get rid of her Big Guy."

"I'm totally serious, and it is NOT comfy in here with this giant bed, NOT AT ALL."

"Bye Bye Bye!"

Ahhh, I do love dissing people with In Sync lyrics. Sweet justice she was sent packing. Crisis averted. The Pants DOES NOT WANT A SISTER!!! OR A BROTHER!!!! Can't we just adopt some lonely person from the street? They always LOVE the Pants, and pay me much attention. Other dogs take away attention - see the difference!!!

Big Guy, it hurts me to have to scold you like this. It truly does. I hope you have learned your lesson. I expect a fabulous weekend for the two of us while Jessica is in California. I want it all, Freddie's Place, Downtown, Billy's on Burnet, Cafferty - THE WORKS! So, stop reading, and GET PLANNING!

Stay thirsty my friends!