I am so lame!!!

I have not been blogging and it is KILLING the Pants!!!  I shall return with a vengeance after being requested to do so by both my homegirl MM and my H-town peep Nancy. (What up sista???)  The short, short version of my last month:

- Jessica and the Big Guy got these contract jobs together.  The poor Big Guy has to spend ALL DAY with Jessica!!  I've been snuggling with him a lot more than normal these days, because all day with Jessica is TERRIBLE!! Oh poor Big Guy!

- Three days a week though I get to go spend the day with Karen, Luke and Baby Abby! The Fords!!!  They are so awesome they deserve multiple posts.  Luke is totally my new little bro, Baby Abby smells funny, and Karen is the cat's meow! 

- The Big Guy pulled down half the tree in the front year the other day, and when he did he totally fell on his back like he was in a cartoon.  Oh Big Guy!!

- I have been to the dog park multiple times and even got thrown in Town Lake!!  

- Yesterday, I was forced to watch "The Lady in the Water", or, as I like to call it, "The Two-Hour Turd".  It was the worst movie I've ever seen...and yes, it will be reviewed.

I'll be back soon with long posts that will make you laugh, make you cry and hopefully will make one of you kidnap Jessica to live with you.  (she was out of town last month...oh rapture!) Love you reader peeps!

Little Sister Don't You . . . DARE TRY TO STEAL MY BIG GUY!

Hello Readers! I know it has been a long time since you have heard from me, but this latest post is difficult for me to write! Oh the painful memories!! Anyway, as I posted a few weeks ago, the Big Guy and Jessica wanted to adopt a little sister for me. My friend Emmett told me it would be a great idea, I told him it would not and that he should shove it, and not surprisingly, I was right! The little sister was a DISASTER! And the worse part of the whole ordeal was that it was the Big Guy's idea!! I mean, I would expect this from Jessica. I pretty much ignore her, try to push her out of the bed, try to eat her food (although really, in that case, I'm just trying to help - PUT DOWN THE CHIPS FATTY!), and generally illustrate my disdain by glaring at her from across the room. She might want a little friend to cuddle with, but the Big Guy, he has no need to stray from our relationship! But he did, and I haven't quite forgiven him yet.

So, before I regale you with the "Tale of Juniper" (it's not as catchy as Mrs. Clancy Pants), I thought I would take a little jab at the Big Guy by posting pictures from some of our most recent adventures and general good times. If this does not shame him into never wanting to get another dog ever ever again, then nothing will work. (NOTE: This will work. The Big Guy is a Big Wimp, he hates the guilt!)

Big Guy, remember the fun times we had at the Dog Fair in Brentwood Park?? I do!! Like it was yesterday!

"Thank You Dog Fair! I FEEL welcome!!"

"Oh Big Guy, I know you will always have my back! (At least, I knew it at the time!)"

Remember how we checked out all the sites!

You helped me realize that I did not want to go through the freaky blue tunnel.

"Nope."

But you helped me realize that I did want to go over the kick ass obstacle pyramid thing!

"ADRIENNE!!!!"

And to top it all off, we ran into my buddy Astro!!

"Astro, seriously, how can you get that close? GAG!!"

"My pleasure, PEEP-LES."

Then, we celebrated both of our birthdays!! We are both Pisces, no wonder we are so perfect together. First, for your birthday, John and Cafferty came to hang out and karaoke with me and Pink Guy!! It was awesome!!!

"Menage-a-trois anyone?"

"Heaven!"

"Ok Pink Guy, I'll sing one more!! 'If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it!'"

NICE!

And then there was my birthday, which was like 50-something days ago according to the stupid countdown thing on the side of my blog, which Jessica probably put up and can't figure out how to take down!! We went to the dog park, just the two of us!!! It was wonderful, dare I say, funderful!

"Are we there yet???"

"OMG, I'm having so much fun, I think I'm going to start hallucinating!"

"Grandpa???"

"Probably time to go home, but WHAT A DAY!!!"

Alas, then it all went awry. Suddenly, that little tart Juniper was EVERYWHERE!!!! She was at Poochtini and Peticure night, she showed up at trivia at Mother Egan's, and it was all okay because she was with her own people.

"Um, okay, I don't think I can get the answer by osmosis."

"No, I AM CUTE, but I do not think we look cute together! What kind of question is that Big Guy?"

Then she showed up at our HOUSE!!! And her people left her!! It was awful. The Big Guy was feeding us both, and I was upset. He was letting her play with my toys, and I was upset. She was lying on my couches, and I was upset. She got up in my bed and I was LIVID! All weekend I avoided her. She'd come near me, and I would go hide in the other room. Jessica was upset because I wasn't making an effort. (I didn't really care.) The Big Guy started feeling the guilties (DUH!). And, in the end, it became clear that there could only be one top dog. ME!!!!!! Here are some pics of the horrors. Warning - they are not for the squeamish or faint of heart.

"You are not on the neighborhood watch. Please cease and desist!"

"Well, make yourself at home why don't you! That's MY couch! (Even if I rarely sit there.)"

"I am locking myself in this prison until you get rid of her Big Guy."

"I'm totally serious, and it is NOT comfy in here with this giant bed, NOT AT ALL."

"Bye Bye Bye!"

Ahhh, I do love dissing people with In Sync lyrics. Sweet justice she was sent packing. Crisis averted. The Pants DOES NOT WANT A SISTER!!! OR A BROTHER!!!! Can't we just adopt some lonely person from the street? They always LOVE the Pants, and pay me much attention. Other dogs take away attention - see the difference!!!

Big Guy, it hurts me to have to scold you like this. It truly does. I hope you have learned your lesson. I expect a fabulous weekend for the two of us while Jessica is in California. I want it all, Freddie's Place, Downtown, Billy's on Burnet, Cafferty - THE WORKS! So, stop reading, and GET PLANNING!

Stay thirsty my friends!

Mr. Fancy Pants!! (or Ms. Clancy Pants)

Hey peeps!!  My awesome friend Nick forwarded this song to me!! It is so kick ass if you substitute Clancy Pants for Fancy Pants!  I am so famous!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mu71EAdnjQ0

Chances are your pants are not as fancy as the pair 
Of very fancy pants that Mrs. Clancy Pants will wear 
When everybody’s marching in the fancy pants parade 
She’s gonna pass the test 
She’s gonna be the best 
The best in terms of pants 

You look in every catalog you shop at every store 
Cause even though you have a hundred pants you want some more 
When suddenly you see the greatest pants you’ve ever seen 
And even though you know 
It’s gonna cost a lot of dough 
You have to have the world’s best pants 

Say a little prayer for Mrs. Clancy Pants 
The whole world knows 
They’re only clothes 
And deep inside 
She’s sad 

They make the big announcement and the trophy goes to you 
You thought you had some fancy pants and now you know it’s true 
You look at Mrs. Clancy Pants and hold the trophy high 
Everybody cheers 
While she’s blinking back the tears 
She doesn’t even have the best pants 

Say a little prayer for Mrs. Clancy Pants 
It’s all she had 
But don’t feel bad 
She’d do the same 
To you 

Crazy Times for the Pants

Reader Peeps...what a stressful few weeks for the Pants!!!  Without further ado (because if there's one thing the Pants will NOT put up with, it is ADO!), here's what's been going on in the life of the Pants.

First of all, Grandpa Jim and Grandma Linda came to visit for Easter!!  It was awesome!  Nobody knows how to celebrate the rising of OUR LORD like Jessica's parents!  (Also, the only person who likes to use ALL CAPS more than the Pants is GOD...I mean...he goes a little overboard in the bible sometimes - it's like 100 times a page for GOD's sake. Whatevs.)  To prepare for the arrival (My grandparents, not OUR LORD.  That would have been impressive), I went to my spa day at Groomingdales down the street.  Holy crap they make the Pants look good.

Groomingdale's:  Styling the heck out of the Pants since 2006.

However, Groomingdales is now in the Pant's doghouse and is totally on notice!!! See below:

This is a board you do NOT want to be on, b/c it is near impossible to get off. Regis has been on for YEARS! (he knows what he did)

First reason for its being on notice is that Groomingdale's has all these photos of allegedly "cute" dogs post-spa day to encourage people to bring their dogs in. Well, how can you have a group of cute dogs and NOT include the Pants!! I AM THE CUTEST!!! -And not at all conceited - (posted by the Big Guy)  Mmm, shut up Big Guy! get on your own blog!!! I mean, look at some of these dorks:

Warrant's retarded mascot.

Hey PETA! Groomingdale's is totally doing experiments on rats! LOL!

Half cat. Half tree.  All ugly.

Actually, this is my homedog Putter. She is Fonzie cool!  LYLAS Putter!  (Note: I know that Putter tells some controversial jokes sometimes, but they are hysterical and she is totally NOT a racist like the half cat/half tree thing says!!)

Secondly, after giving me the best do ever...they ruined it by putting this in my hair.

"Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl..."

Thankfully, the Big Guy got it out of my hair before the fam arrived, and I quickly got to chilling with Grandma Linda!

Thanks for the talking card Grandma!  It is freaking terrifying! 

On Sunday, all the human persons went to Easter Mass, so I did my own Easter prayers, sepnt the rest of the morning watching the hood. I had volunteered for Easter duty so my fellow watchdogs could have easter egg hunts and engage in some good old fashioned Easter shenanigans.

Easter Hood Watch Motto:  No crucifictions on MY watch!

While I selflessly devoted myself to the prevention of neighborhood crime, everyone else selfishly went to one of the yummiest restaurants in town - Fonda San Miguel!   Not just that, they met up with the CAFFERTYS!!!  Who are the Caffertys?? Since you must be living under a rock, I'll tell you - they are the only the most fun people to hang out with in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. (Next to Stephen Colbert of course - he SLAYS the Pants!  Hey Stephen, I totally wear my wriststrong bracelet everywhere I go)  But did I get to go hang with the Caffertys?? Nope.  Did anybody think to bring me a doggie bag home? Negative.  Typical Easter suckage from the Big Guy and Jess.

Fonda San Miguel: Denying joy and happiness to the Pants since...well...forever.

Once everyone got home, things definitely changed for the better!  We all played Password, which is now the Pants' new favorite board game (barely edging out Hungry Hungry Hippos.  Oh man, the Pants DOMINATES with the pink hippo!).  The teams were Grandma Linda and the Big Guy vs. Jessica and Grandpa Jim.  Obviously, the Big Guy and Grandma Linda dominated...to the point that Grandpa Jim banged his shoe on the table and DEMANDED that the Pants replace Jessica on his team.  Blushing with pride, the Pants obliged.

Watch how it's done Jessica.

Come on Grandpa Jim! The Pants just gave you the best clue ever!!  This is NO TIME for goofy faces!

Help.

Last weekend was Juniper-gate. I'm not in a happy enough place where I'm ready to blog about this yet.  I am still coming to grips with the horrific fact that the Big Guy tried to replace me with a Fraggle dog (Both Jessica and the Big Guy thought she was "cute."  The Pants thought she looked like a "Jim Henson experiment gone awry."  Anyway, the wounds are simply too fresh.  Maybe later this week I'll be ready to talk..but in the meantime I would like to thank all my reader peeps for their thoughts and prayers for the Pants in this difficult time.  Especially to my H-town friends, you guys are the tops!

However, I am happy to talk about ANOTHER snub of the Pants, this time at the hands of my homegirl MM!  Last night there was a wine tasting at MM's house!!! Oh how excited I was!! I spent the day getting ready - grooming myself, getting my exercise in so I would look all toned for Emmett (who can be my gentleman caller anytime! ;-)) and composing some humorous yet flattering poetry that I planned to read to honor MM in front of all her peeps! 

Oh greenies in heaven it was going to be a night to end all nights!!  So when the time to leave came, I ran to the door and waited expectantly for someone to put on my leash.  I waited and waited...yet the leash never came.   I was like...WTH is going on? Then in a move that shattered the Pants' heart, the Big Guy rubbed my belly and told me I was not invited. Cutest dog in the world say what? WHAT? NOT INVITED???? I sat in disbelief and utter shock as they shut the door and left me alone.  NOT INVITED???  Listen, I have partied at MM's numerous times. To wit:

Kicking it with MM and Sugar at MM's now-legendary 2008 Christmas Extravaganza.

Spinning tunes in MM's attic during a summertime fiesta! (you can't see the turntables, but they are totally there!)

And now I was not invited???!!! First the Big Guy, and now et tu MM???  I fear that I'm already getting closer to Jessica, and I am NOT okay with that.  It would be like Hurley getting screwed over by Jack and Sawyer, and having to get closer to Ben. UN-ACC-EPTABLE.

MM, I demand an explanation or else you shall remain on the on-notice board INDEFINITELY! You have 72 hours to respond.

The Pants and MM in happier times.

Little Sister

Crazy things are afoot at the Casa de Clancy. Rumors are swirling that I might be getting a little sister. I am NOT thrilled about this. My good buddy Emmett sent me this e-mail trying to cheer me up:

Dear Pants,
Do you still take reader questions? Technically, I'm not a "reader" per se, but my mommy reads your blog to me as I swoon over your beauty and general gloriousness. ;-)

Hey, how did you know it was EMMETT?!?!

Anyway, rumor at the dog park is that you might be getting a sister. I have a sister. Her name is Sugar and--trust me on this one, Pants--sisters are the bomb dog-gity! Here are 5 reasons why:

1. You can have a trash party and there's a 50/50 pants your parents will blame your sister instead of you.

2. You can eat your own food and then eat your sister's food. More food in the belly = happy dog.

3. Humans are SO lazy! But sisters are always willing to play with you.

4. Having a sister means more $$ your parents have to spend on doggy stuff. And that means less $$ to spend on going out to eat or going to bars. READ: More time doing free stuff with us - yay!

5. The number 5 (and best) thing about having a sister is how super duper cute you look in pictures next to a twin! Trust me, I'm pretty cute but I'm even cuter (yes, I know, hard to believe but TRUE!) when standing next to somebody who looks like you.

Anyway, I'm super stoked you're getting a sister. Let me know if you two want to have a play date because EMMETT LOVES TWINS!

Dear Emmett,

First of all, the Pants would like to thank you for your continued patronage and incessant flattery! The Pants loves flattery! So - points to you for that!! However, I feel that I would have to DISAGREE with you that having a sister is the "bomb dog-gity". I believe had your big sister Sugar been the one to write me, she might have a very different opinion. Or maybe not, she might be more tolerant and giving than the Pants! In fact, I know she is! She is loving and kind and wonderful! She is even nice to Jessica! While admirable traits all, kindness and lovingness are not the way to get ahead in life. Sorry Sugar!!! You are too sweet! LOL!!

Sugar, you should change your name to Sucker!

So, I'm going to give you my top 5 reasons why sisters suck! Down with sisters!! Here goes:

1. I know how to handle myself at a trash party. I don't need any help there. I'm so cute that no one can get seriously mad at me for indulging in the occasional trash party!! Plus, if I had a sister, I would have to SHARE THE SPOILS!!! The Pants HATES sharing!! So, consider your first point REFUTED!

2. What if she eats my food!!! I am a vegetarian and require a very strict diet - I can't deal with a yappy little dog trying to cramp my eating style! Come on Sugar, think, that is a bad point!

3. Ok, I'll give you this one, it might be fun to have a playmate. Jessica and the Big Guy, and particularly Jessica, are very lazy, and I've always enjoyed play dates. But, the key to that is that the playmates always LEAVE! I get the run of all the couches and beds and windows in the house, and I like my personal space. If this "sister" could come over and play and then leave, the Pants would probably be cool with that!

4. More money and time to spend on the Pants is a great idea!! Take out the word "us" from your sentence and replace it with "me" and you've got another good point!

5. TWINS!!! Are you crazy!!! No one, and I mean no one, can hold a candle to the Pants!!! I mean, this might be considered cute by some:

MEH.

I mean, she's ok, and in another house, she might be the cutest thing, but not in my house Emmett!!! I am the cutest, and the sweetest, and I'm PANTS!!!

So, I will give the sister thing a shot if it is forced upon me, but I will not make it easy for this new dog. She will have to earn my respect. Plus, I've heard rumblings that the idea to bring this new dog into our house is being spearheaded by the Big Guy. NOT COOL BIG GUY! If there is truth to this rumor, you and I will have WORDS! STRONG WORDS! That leads me to the number 6 reason to not get a little sister - it might bring Jessica and I closer!! And I for one DO NOT want that!

Emmett, I still love you, your naivete is cute, and would love to have a play date with you and Sugar, but get back to me when your mom brings another sister into your house!! See how you feel then and get back to me!!!

LYLAS (note, it's love you "like" a sister, not an actual sister),

PANTS

Oh Jon Stewart..

You slay me with YOUR crazy antics!!!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart	M - Th 11p / 10c
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hey hey

it's been too long reader peeps, but I just wanted to say that today was a good day! yesterday Jessica and the Big Guy slept all day and were sick or something. I don't know, all I know is that yesterday I was bored out of my mind!!

But today they took me to Threadgills where I got to eat tacos and party with a bunch of young kid type human persons. it was awesome!!!  Thanks Jessica!! and you too Big guy!!!

I'm going to totally snuggle with them both now...they earned it.