Puzzled Pants

So, the other night Jessica and the Big Guy took me out for a walk. We were walking along, and I was sniffing and pooping and peeing all over people's yards, and just generally having a grand old time, when we came upon a group of kids that had a little dog with them. The little dog ran over to the Pants because I am very attractive (seriously, I get hit on all the time, it is SOOOOO annoying!), and we started sniffing each other, as dogs do. Then, the little dog lifted his leg to pee on the stop sign, and I stuck my head under there so that I could get a really good sniff!!! Well, Jessica was all "Clancy, that's so gross! What, do you want to get peed on!" This was the face I gave her . . .



I mean WHAT!! Seriously, that is when you get the best smell, the total essence of the other dog!! So of course I was going to go for it. I don't care if I get some pee on my head!!! I mean seriously, weigh in people, am I right, or am I right??? (hint - I am right - Jessica, as usual, is WRONG!)

LSU

Dear LSU,

I hate you, so very, very much.

Sincerely,

Pants.

Rice Baseball

Sunday was a rough day for the Pants. I'm a huge Rice Baseball fan!! Let's go Rice!!!!  The Big Guy was a kick-ass shortstop there back in the 90's, and my main guys Frito Guy and Tim played there too!!  So when Rice makes it to the College World Series I get pretty nervous.  But on Sunday Rice was back in the World Series.  And they did it in a totally awesome way - they beat UT AND A&M!!!  I know Bro person goes to A&M, and they did fix my nose, but A&M is full of too many Aggies!!!  Here was me before the Rice game...I like to cuddle up with the Big Guy's old uniform, it gives me confidence (and is SERIOUSLY cute)!!!

With Rice facing Fresno St., I was pretty excited since I like to refer to Fresno St. as "Crap Central". I mean seriously, who wants to live in Fresno?? Losers that's who!!! Well, apparently losers who are really good at baseball play there too because by the time it took Pants to walk around the block it was like 11-0! It was tough to watch, and Rice ended up losing 17-5.  I took it pretty hard and hit the liquor cabinet by the 5th inning:

I do like the Maker's Mark.  The Pants got toasted!!  But I totally remembered!! Liquor before beer, you're in the clear!! Beer before liquor, never sicker!!

I am a bit ashamed, but once I was trashed, I totally got on the computer and did some drunk blogging and myspacing:

So all in all it was a crappy baseball day.  The Pants is totally pulling for Rice against LSU on Tuesday!!!

In which Clancy protests unjust imprisonment and supports equal treatment for all canines . . .

Okay!! So, I know that I have been blogging a lot today, but I have a lot to say after such an exciting weekend, and now that I have the house to myself I finally have the time to get it all out!!! Plus, who doesn't want to see me!! I am so cute!!!

Anyway, as posted below, I was very very ill on Friday. I was ill all over the house. But, mainly I was ill in the guest room. However, no one told the Pants that we were having guests this weekend, much less that the guests would include one of my favorite humans, Tim! This is Tim!

Or that it would include one of my new favorite humans, Kelli! Or, most importantly, that it would include one of my favorite dog peeps and loyal reader, Harli!!! If the Pants knew this, I would have directed my poops to Jessica's bed. Specifically, Jessica's side of the bed. Preferably, under Jessica's pillow!! Anyway, after Jessica cleaned up the mess, I learned that all of these fabulous visitors were coming to stay the night. Oh man!!! I was so excited I could hardly contain myself!! This would be MY first guest at the new house. I hosted my cousin Moe at my old crib, but Harli would be my first peep at the House of Payne!!! So exciting, and so much to do!!! Okay, I really didn't do much, but I did keep watch for the visitors, and sure enough, soon Tim was at the window!!!!!! Again, this is Tim!

He totally scared the Big Guy, but I just laughed and laughed!! I'm sure you can see why, I mean, Hello, Men Cooking!!! DANGER!!!! LOLOLOL!!!!! That Tim is such a card!!! LOL!!! He totally gets me ROTFL!!!!!! AR! (Acronyms Rule!) Anyway, I greeted my buddy Harli with a friendly bark, and we sniffed each other and caught up on old times. Harli and I first met at Frito Guy's New Year's Eve party!!!! (Where I was made to wear this embarrassing headwear)

And we totally hit it off!! Harli is much larger and faster than the Pants. She also has teeth of steel!! She totally ate the Pants's new Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer Toy on New Year's!! But that is okay. I just stayed away from her teeth!!!! Harli came in and we ran around and she played with my Garfield toy and I showed her where I had pooped in the house, and she gave me a high five and was like "Way to go!!! I totally LOVE the smell of POOP! Tim and Kelli can deal with it!!" I thought Harli was being a bit harsh, since the Pants loves the Tim and Kelli, but I soon found out that Harli had her reasons!

Jessica, the Big Guy, Tim, and Kelli were all heading out Friday night to a happening club!!! But I was cool with that because that I meant Harli and I would be left alone to crack open a bottle of Chardonnay, or make ourselves some flirtinis, and talk about cute boys and catch up!!! I was so excited that, had I any poop left, I totally would have pooped on the floor again!!! But, as they were getting ready to leave, Tim and Kelli did something horrible!!! They totally put Harli in a CAGE!!! They imprisoned the Harli for no reason! I mean, she is big and kind of clumsy, but you can't fault her for that!!! That is no reason for prison!!! UNJUST!!! UNFAIR!!! The Pants was NOT AMUSED!!! I gave them a good glare when they left. They knew how unhappy I was!! I'm positive that my protest was noticed, and possibly ruined their evening!! So, there I was, and Harli was in jail. I did my best to console her, but apparently, jail makes you tired, because all she wanted to do was sleep. Or maybe its because there is no room for the Harli to spread out and relax because it is PRISON!!!! Whatevs! They finally came home, let Harli out (I guess she did her time) and we got to play and cavort a bit more!!! Then, it was bed time. Harli went into bed with her peeps and I went with mine. But, she and I had totally planned on sneaking off later and drinking those flirtinis!!!! But low and behold, at 6:00 am - our appointed meeting time - I noticed that I TOO HAD BEEN UNJUSTLY IMPRISONED!!! I was imprisoned in the room with Jessica and the Big Guy!!! This was unacceptable!! A prisoner, in my own home!! I knew this was Jessica's fault, so I poked at her and whined, and scratched, but she had the nerve to say "NO!" to the Pants! Choice words will be doled out later.

So, FINALLY, I was set free, and Harli was set free as well!!!! I was still very mad about all of the injustice I had witnessed in my home, until the Big Guy and the Tim decided that we were going to go to Barton Springs and go swimming!!!! Oh, this was heaven for the Pants!! I love nothing more than swimming and then rolling in dirt!!! That way, the dirt gets in your fur really really good and your owners get mad and frustrated. (Poop on you Jessica!) So we all went to the Springs and Harli and I had the bestest time!!! Man, that Harli can swim!!! She is a regular female equivalent of Michael Phelps!!! (That is the only swimmer the Pants knows)!! And, we totally were getting admired by children and other older peeps as we were waiting to get into the water!!!! One time I had four kids petting me at once!!! It was soooo fun!!! Until, when the kids were leaving, one of them yelled "LATER MUTT!" Once again, the Pants's mind reeled with this slur!! The injustices were flying everywhere this weekend!!! And on what was supposed to be such a fun, enjoyable weekend for the Pants! I know I am a Mutt, but it is NOT COOL for a human to call me that. Only my other dog peeps can call me that!!! I was so mad, but Harli was able to talk me down and we totally cooled off in the water!!!! Good times!

So, then Tim and Kelli and Harli had to leave. I was totally going to say goodbye, but was too distracted with looking cute and prancing around!! I will catch them on the flipside!!!! Shout out to Harli!!! You are welcome anytime!!!! But, bring your own Garfield.

You may think this was enough excitement for the Pants, but there is more!!!!! We got home from giving me a bath (HATE! Although I do look and smell cute after!) and Jessica and the Big Guy announced that we were going to see Karen and Carl at their house of fun!!! That meant that I got to play with my favorite mini-human peep - LUKE!!!! Luke does not say much, he mostly follows the Pants around and says "dog" and points!!! It is very cute though, and he did not say "mutt", so the Pants doesn't mind! So, I was totally excited when we got to their house!! Jessica put my water dish up on the counter since Luke totally loves to play in my water!!! (We are so alike!) But stupid her, she didn't realize that Luke could totally reach the water!!!! LOL!!! He totally pulled the water down and it went everywhere!!! Then, he slipped and fell in the water!!! LOL!!!! It was totally like a movie!!! Good times!!!! But Karma caught up to the Pants later when I totally slipped and fell walking up the stairs!! But their are no hard feelings between me and the mini-peep! We are totally cool!

So, yesterday, I got some much needed sleep, and tomorrow, I am off to TAURUS!!! So, I will be offline for a bit. Thanks for tuning in peeps!!! Pants Out!

Chicken Bones and an Upset Tummy

I have learned a great big lesson reader peeps - sometimes my being sneaky and intelligent can backfire on the Pants.  Last Wednesday, Jessica and the Big Guy left some trash out, but set it up on top of the counter during the day.  However, they were silly enough to put it back on the ground once they both were home.  When they weren't paying attention, the Pants totally snuck in, and took the rest of a perfectly good, half-eaten chicken from HEB (there, everything's better!) and hid it on the other side of their bed.  Oh man...can you say good times???  I hid it really good, and since they were both sick all week, they just thought it was them that smelled.  How gross is that???  It could not have worked out better for the Pants!!!  Once they left for work the next day, who had a trash party?? THE PANTS!!!   I devoured that chicken and was having a great time, until my owners came home, and Jessica discovered my stash.

She started yelling about how there was a "carcass" on the ground.  Mmm...it was not a "carcass", but just the remnants of a delicious chicken from HEB!  Well they cleaned up everything and yelled at me enough to make me go under the bed for an hour. I mean, they were just going to waste that HEB chicken!!  Wasteful wastersons!

The next day I woke up with a HUGE stomachache my readers!!!  I know it's bad to go to the bathroom in the house, but I totally couldn't help it!!!  So while my owners were at work, I had accidents all day long...my tummy hurt so freaking bad!! That's when I realized that if you are a vegetarian like the Pants is, you can't eat an entire chicken....well at least not without pooping all over the house.  The house totally stunk and I felt a lot of shame.  On the plus side, Jessica cleaned up my poop which was pretty funny!!  I would have felt much worse if the Big Guy had to do it.

so the moral of the story, being sneaky and smart usually is pretty awesome, but sometimes it backfires!!  Also, I want to be in HEB commercials.  

Pants in Action - Mighty Texas Dog Walk

Happy Father's Day to my devoted readers!  The Pants does not know who my father is, he knocked up my mom and took off.  That father of mine was a true rolling stone, but not like the band (although he apparently DID get himself some satisfaction! LOL!!!)  Anyway, I hope all my reader peeps had a seriously good Father's Day.  

I'm going to make a post about this weekend (ummm...can you say BEST WEEKEND EVER!!??), but first I wanted to share some of my life with you guys.  I'm not some kind of blogger that doesn't post pictures of herself, or uses a fake name, or posts boring crap that people only read to make fun of....so here you go. For your visual enjoyment!!

Here are some pictures of me from the Mighty Texas Dog Walk last month (there were over 6000 dogs there! I sniffed some serious crotches that day my friends. Good times.).  It was really hot so if you notice, the Pants had a rough go of it after 2 of the 3 miles.  And seriously, 3 miles??? What do they think I am? Kenyan??  There was one of my fellow dogs that was taken off on a cart with an IV...scary times out there in Austin.  Despite this, I bravely forged ahead!

Here is me at the beginning with Jessica, and my homegirl MM and her dog Sugar. (notice how I'm trying to get away from Jessica. You would do the same readers. Trust me.)

Check out this view of downtown Austin from the start line. The Mighty Texas Dog Walk spares no expense!!

One of my favorite peeps from Taurus Dog Training who takes care of me every Tuesday!!  She is awesome and totally grabbed me for hugs!  I was hoping she would make Jessica go home and marry the Big Guy, but alas, it was not to be.

My first autograph!! This blog is totally taking off!!

We stopped for water and I totally told this joke that cracked the Big Guy up!!

It was over 90 degrees, and the Pants got seriously pooped.  Jessica earned some serious points by carrying me while the Big Guy told her that she was babying me.  Well Mr. Hot Shorts, you cover yourself in fur, take off your shoes. and walk 3 miles on short little legs!!  Hmmph.

Check out these spoiled bitches! 

Crossing the finish line.  I own you Dog Walk!

This is a very unbecoming picture, but shows just how wiped the Pants was.  It was good times and the Pants had fun, but the Pants is sooooooo glad the Dog Walk is just once a year!  All in all, a good day was had by all (but especially the Pants!)

The Bachelorette

Dear Dee-Anna,

You sent Fred home. You are dead to me.

Pants