Talking With the Pants

MARATHON!!!

2011-01-30T19:04:00.003-06:00

So I was totes excited to go check out a marathon today! I homegirl Kelli was totally running in it and I wanted to go cheers her on. Besides, it was going to be my first marathon...I was SUPPOSED to see the Big Guy and Jessica run in the Austin Marathon last year, but Grandma Linda and Grandpa Jim got lost and never made it to the house to get me!! OH THE HORROR!!!

So we walked down to Weslayan and 59 today to see the race...but it was raining. I HATE RAIN! In fact, here are my five least favorite things on earth as of today:

5. Houston's City Ordinance against dogs in restaurants. WTF H-town?

4. Astronaut Mike Dexter (he knows what he did)

3. Jessica

2. Tape Devils (You may know them as "tape measurers"..I know them as terrifying!)

1. Rain

This was AFTER I was dried off:

NOT COOL!

Marathons are stupid. Hmmph.

Plano!

2010-11-24T13:10:00.003-06:00

I'm going to Plano for Thanksgiving!! Wowsers!!! Here is a list of the people I will be seeing!

Big Guy (I plan on sitting in his lap all the way to Plano. But shhhh, don't tell him just yet)

Jessica (over my strong objections)

Grandpa Jim (I can't wait for all the walks!)

Grandma Linda (I can't wait for all the snarky comments!)

Uncle Brian (Totes awesome!)

Cousin Moe (He is the only dog I'll play with. Also, he protects me from dangers, like mean dogs and Jessica)

Cousin Pumpkin (this is a cat. IN THE HOUSE! for reals. I can't wait to ask Moe why he hasn't eaten him yet. Pumpkins are delicious! LOL!)

Sara (I haven't seen her since the wedding THAT I WAS NOT INVITED TO. Hmmmph)

I cannot wait. Let's load up the car, pausing only for a quick hero shot against the blue sky!

Chillin' in Spring

2010-11-21T19:37:00.015-06:00

Reader Peeps! What a week! First there was a seriously loud fire alarm in our building and this one guy's apartment seriously looked like Niagra Falls. There was water everywhere and I was crazy freaked out.

Now, I know what you all are thinking: "Pants, you are worldly and awesome, but you have never been to Niagara Falls." Good point! Unlike all the people who bet money that UT would get back to a bowl this year, my reader peeps are way intelligent!! However, I figure if I mention Niagara Falls, then maybe, just maybe, the Big Guy will whisk me away to the one place on earth the Pants believes is the most romantic place ever!

Bask in the romance peeps!! Ooo-la-la!

The romance on LSD! LOL!

I know what you NOW are thinking..."Pants, you hate showers and loud noises. Why would you love a place that is basically the world's largest shower and louder than 8 Real Housewives trapped in an elevator?" Gold star to you readers! However, who knows why!? You can't predict the Pants because i'm loco! Never forget this picture!

Insane in the membrane bitches!

However, all joking aside, the fire alarm was seriously NOT COOL! I immediately went into panic mode and went to the one place that was I know from experience is safe from fire alarms, tape devils, fireworks, dragons and Jessica: under the bed!

Can't nobody faze me here yo!

I'll admit to you peeps because I trust you - I was totes terrified. The Big Guy tried to help the guy turn off the water but, god bless him, the Big Guy and the word "handy" don't go together. He just ended up getting soaked and looking silly. Meanwhile Jessica did me a solid and carried me outside away from the loudness. Seriously, you would have thought this had happened in our neighbor's apartment:

One time the Big Guy told Jessica there was a volcano, and she asked where, and he said in his pants! She just rolled her eyes, but I laughed and laughed. Oh Big Guy! You are almost as funny as Tico.

Anyways, the rest of the week was the ushe...I was ignored during the day, I did not get enough walking time at night or at lunch nor did I have my belly rubbed enough to the meet the Pants' diligent requirements. (sigh)

Despite this, Jessica went to NYC this weekend to see the Irish and hang with my peep Porst! It was just me and the Big Guy! Finally!

Bye-Bye!

So we hung out, chilled around the casa, and then I took a super good nap. I mean, possibly the nap to end all naps:

Most. Comfortable. Couch. Ever.

And today? We went out to Spring to chill with Grandma and Grandpa Cathey!! I love them! They rub my belly, give me food and let me play in their ginormous backyard. And, get this, their backyard HAS SQUIRRELS! Imagine your favorite place, multiply that place by ten levels of awesomeness, and then rub it in butter...that is their house.

Yes, Grandpa I love you too. Now, put me down so I can sleep in the comfy chair.

Not that Comfy Chair! Come on Editor, pull it together man!

Then Papa John totally played with me! Check out this video...but do not fail to note the toughness I show when an apparent earthquake hits:

Christian Siriano isn't the only one who is fierce!

Then I chilled with Grandma Marilyn! She drops food on the floor for me. I heart her.

Here we are totes gossiping about boys...she thinks George Strait is still hot! What? He's like 90! Oh Grandma Marilyn! I've got Bieber fever! LOL!

Unfortunately the Big Guy forgot to bring my food with him, so it's 8:30 and I'm starving.

Big Guy

I'm out! Off to the airport to get Jessica and to get fed. LYLAS reader peeps!!!

Enchanted Rock Adventure!!

2010-09-12T19:41:00.038-05:00

To all the peeps I've loved before

To all the peeps in and out my door

I know i've been away

But for you I'm back today

To all the peeps I've loved before

Hey everyone! You're looking live..er...reading live at what might be one of the last entries that comes from the House of Payne! Jessica snookered someone into giving her a real job in Houston. For money! For reals! Houstonians are stupid!!! LOL!

So the news is that we are going to be moving down to Houston and reunited with the Big Guy again. R-A-P-T-U-R-E!!! Needless to say, when I heard this news I was so excited that I insisted on multiple belly rubs from a number of never-before-tried angles! I can't wait to hang with Beyonce once I get to H-town.

Before the Bayou City becomes my home, I have to tell you about the exploits of Dame Pants Hilary! Over Labor Day Weekend, Jessica and the Big Guy kept saying that we were going to Enchanted Rock on Monday and asking me if I was excited. I jumped up and did my cute little dance, but I'm going to level with you peeps, I had no idea what this Enchanted Rock was. It sounded like it could either be magical in an awesome way, or magical in a super lame way. What if it was just some rock and they dressed me up in some wizard outfit, like this!

Dear poor dog friend, your pride called, it's never coming back.

As we drove in the Prius west on Labor Day, they told me Enchanted Rock was some sort of mountain! OMG!! It is a dome made out of pink granite that is 425 feet tall! We got there and I was totes nervous! But I couldn't let them see me sweat (that would come later, you know, when I was climbing a freaking MOUNTAIN) so I gave them my best super confident face:

Nope. Not my douchey a-hole face.

Dear Hulkster,

Please make your daughter go away.

Sincerely,

Everyone

Not quite there...

HELLS YEAH! KEEP FEAR ALIVE STEPHEN!

My sweater of confidence.

So reader peeps here is a photocap of the big day at Enchanted Rock. Enjoy!

Enchanted Rock. Note the grandeur!

"You want me to climb WHAT?"

"Yes, yes, I've read the map. Let's DO THIS!"

If you were clumsy, you could fall into prickly cacti.

Because of this, we had to keep our eyes on Jessica all day! LOL!

Before we even started our climb, I was attacked by local wildlife!!

"Big Guy, he is totally coming back! FOR SERIOUS! HELPS!"

"I told you that monster was coming back.

Have I mentioned that I hate Enchanted Rock."

"So...we're done, right? Why are you both laughing?"

Beginning the climb...which apparently began on the moon.

Buzz Aldrin, here I come! LOL!

Hero shot. Oh yes.

Stop touching me.

"I am going to OWN you Summit Trail. Bring it!"

Jessica slowing down my herculean climb.

"I'm on a ROCK, mother******!!"

Pants-eye-view of the steepness.

That dorky kid on the right keep saying there were "Dinosaur-us" tracks. Moron.

I hope you get used to asking people whether they would like paper or plastic!

Oh snap!

My humans!!

(note the Big Guy's devastatingly sexy unshaven look!)

"I'm having fun and all Big Guy, but can we stop and rest? I might die. For reals."

"We're stopping? Oh thank God."

"I am halfway up a mountain!! And a leaf is halfway in my face. LOL"

"It's like being on a boat but not moving. WTF?"

The view. Drink it in peeps. It always goes down smooth.

MY ROCK!!!

Pants' climbing tip:

It's always important to check your map to know where you are.

Pants' climbing tip #2:

If possible, have someone carry you going up.

"Covered in water...feeling the wind...this is the life!!!"

"Raise your paw if you want to be carried down!"

"I did it! Totes Magotes!"

What a day! I'll be back soon to talk about the big move, college football, why Houston smells weird, and all the things I'll miss about Austin. Until next time Reader Peeps. The Pants....is.....out!

GO IRISH!! GO OWLS!!

Lost Party!!!

2010-05-23T23:47:00.013-05:00

Reader Peeps! What excitement! What awesomeness! What....amazing disappointment! But that is the actual finale of Lost. The Lost Party that the Big Guy and Jessica threw tonight was crazy cool (even though Jessica was part of it...ugh). Check out these pictures!

The spread. Dharma tortilla chips! Dharma wine! Dharma water! Wowsers!

The Hieroglyphics! That ultimately meant nothing! Nice job Big Guy!!

Luggage!

Remember when 108 minutes was supposed to matter? Awesome!

SMOKE MONSTER FAIL!

Drunk/Addicted Jack (and my Big Guy!)

As good as the Big Guy as Jack is...how awesome is Jessica as Claire????? (don't tell her I said so)

Jessica (with her baybay!) and Jen Cafferty as Kate! How hot is she???? (SUPER hot, attractive/rich guys email me! clancythepants@yahoo.com)

Nick and Emily!!! (or Charlie and Richard Albert!)

Big Guy totes gave me some pepperoni! Before Lost sucked!!!

Don't tell anyone I did this. But I had a good time here.

Pat came over, with his new kid Finn. Finn Fitzgerald! Irish much! LOL!!!!

Ultimate Answer. I am cute!

The Pants' Way to Eat a Bone

2010-05-03T16:18:00.003-05:00

Warning: This chomping video is intense, especially for you younger reader peeps. Further proof that to be a bone around the Pants is to be a target of my wrath!!!

Sports Pants in the Hizzy!

2010-04-23T22:29:00.018-05:00

Hey Reader Peeps! Told you I'd be back McGruber-style! (or was it MacArthur? History is not the Pants' strong suit)

Either way, you best get used to the Pants being all up in your grill! Like this!

Ummm...why do I look like a 1980's one hit wonder here?

I don't know if you know this, but the Pants is a big time sports fan. I'm talking HUGE sports fan peeps! I can't get enough. One time, the Big Guy and I watched sports for like 12 hours straight (Don't fret! Not actually 12 hours straight through. He fed me and took me to pee in between. The Big Guy always puts the Pants first!! Unlike Jessica, who usually puts tacos first LOL!!!) and when we were done he asked me if that was enough. I pawed at his shoulder to show him that my answer was clear - NO WAY! THE PANTS CAN'T GET ENOUGH!

In no particular order, the teams I love and root for seriously hard core!

Notre Dame (Especially football! Touchdown Jesus commands me to root for them! LOL!) This past season my favorite player was Golden Tate, he's the bomb diggity! I love him not only because he had the best name ever to play for the Irish, but because every game he was like 277 flavors of awesome! To show how silly the NFL draft is (without even discussing the general silliness of Chris Berman's face, Mel Kiper's hair or Steve Young's general mormon malaise), he didn't get picked until the end of the 2nd round. WTH! If I had been drafting first, I would have drafted Tate. If I had been picking second, I would have had my attorney file an injunction suing Team #1 so that I could draft Tate instead. (Don't worry peeps, my attorney isn't either Jessica or the Big Guy. I want to win my cases. ZING!)

Golden Tate - in action!

(At first I didn't like him because I thought his name was "Golden Taint." That would have been mildly damaging for his endorsement career)

Yes I am rooting for your team Jesus.

See Jesus? It's my Notre Dame jersey! Go Irish!

Rice (Especially baseball! Sorry they kind of suck this year Big Guy.

Yell at them Wayne! Tell them to shake themselves!

UTEP - If I could get a degree from any school, it would totally be UTEP! The magical grounds out in El Paso are often referred to as "the Tennessee Tech of the Lower Midwest", the "Boise State of the South" and "the University of Awesome Bad-Assness." Oh UTEP. (sigh) I can't wait to finish my online degree from you and have your diploma on my wall! (I'm still trying to pick a major! OMG! So hard!)

UTEP!!

BASK IN THE UNBELIEVABLE GRANDEUR!!!

Rockets and the Mavericks (tie) - The Big Guy loves his Rockets, but Jessica likes the Mavericks and totally grew up going to their camps. At first I was scared...the Mavs had concentration camps??!!! I know Mark Cuban is dorky and all, but I had no idea he put kids in camps! Turns out it was just wishful thinking that Jessica was in such a camp. (zinger!) Actually, Jessica told me that NBA teams put on "camps" where kids come in and get instruction from the NBA guys. Way cool! She went to the Ro Blackman camp! I don't know who he is, but the name "Ro" is cool!

Ro = Cool like Fonzie

I hated to say it, but going to NBA camps was pretty cool. Plus, I watched her and the Big Guy play some hoops in the GREATEST PARK IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND (more to come on this later) and she's got some game. Don't tell her I said that. In fact, tell her that her jump shot is worse than John Starks'! The Pants is all about old school insults!

Sadly, the Rockets didn't make the playoffs this year, but the Mavs totally did! I'm typing this as I watch them play the dastardly Spurs! One thing the three of us all can agree on - the Spurs suck. They are totally sneaky and stupid! Go Mavs!

DUNK ON THEM BIG GERMAN GUY!!

The Big Guy doesn't like the Spurs because Spurs' fans used to think David Robinson was close to being as good as Hakeem Olajuwon. What? Silly Spurs! The Big Guy told me that every time they played, Hakeem would prove everyone wrong and would "bitch slap" Robinson. Oh Big Guy, your lingo is always so out of date and silly!

I take that back Big Guy...that IS a bitch slap!

Houston Astros - not only did the Big Guy grow up rooting for the Stros even though they've never won a title, but he got drafted by them! Seriously!

The Big Guy catching one in the minors. So dashing!

I like the Rangers okay too, but I mainly root for the Astros mainly because I hope against all hope that one day they will bring back their sweet rainbow uniforms. I heard they got rid of them because epileptic kids would go to home games and would have seriously major seizures each time the Stros took the field. That has to be true. I mean, why else would they ever get rid of sweet duds like these!

Lookin' good Cruz. Lookin' damn good.

Alright, I'm going to get back to the game and root the Mavs on. Hope all my reader peeps have a good weekend! I'm going to hit the sack and snuggle up to someone special - first name "Big", last name "Guy." Later!

Keepin' Austin weird.

I AM CUTE

2010-04-22T21:15:00.004-05:00

AND I'M ABOUT TO BE A BLOGGING FOOL! THINGS I HAVE TO BLOG ABOUT!

1. Dog Training
2. Having the Big Guy Home
3. Season 6 of Lost! OMG!
4. Christmas in Plano!
5. My being rushed to A&M back in November to the emergency room
6. New Years!
7. How much the Big Guy and Jessica wants to go to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. It's sad.
8. My new park!
9. My new baseball field!!!

Until my first real post - I'm going to take a nap!

LOLCats

2010-01-14T19:24:00.008-06:00

So Jessica introduced the Pants to LOLcats via this wikipedia
entry

To get right to the point dear readers..it.is.awesome.

So awesome that the Pants came up with some of my own! Enjoy!

Seriously. Not cool.

Just joking!! (Big Guy, I'm NOT joking!)

Then the Big Guy joined in the fun!

Why I'm Awesome

2009-12-29T14:47:00.003-06:00

I've just curled up on the couch here in front of our new HDTV (the Big Guy totally got a sweet deal at Best Buy! Thanks Grandparents for the cash!), and playing some serious Mafia Wars. My Mafia is WAY bigger than that of my human persons. I've got nearly 800 mafia friends! EIGHT HUNDRED! That's like as many people as live in New York! The Big Guy has 530 or so which isn't too bad, and Jessica only has 74. 74! That's not a mafia, that's a wimpia! Get some friends! LOL!

Because I have such a rock star mafia (it's a party in the USA for my mafia! Love ya Miley!), I thought of some other reasons that I'm pretty cool. Here are a few:

1. I am very, very cute.
2. My paws smell really good. Seriously. They do.
3. Except when I've been sick, I've never had an "accident" in the house.
4. I can curl up in really small spaces and then when people accidentally sit on me, I totally scare them! LOL!
5. I am friends with the one and only FRITO GUY!!! He smells like ham.
6. I am so adorable that Cafferty hugged me once. Rapture.
7. I've gone to Dallas and back like 10 times and never gotten sick or had anything bad happen to me. Trips to Houston on the other hand....
8. I'm still cute
9. I'm very active politically, socially and bellyrubally.
10. I fit perfectly between the Big Guy and Jessica in bed.
11. I was the first dog to show Al Gore where ManBearPig was located.
12. I am cute to the 14th power!

Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas! Santa Claus left me not one, but TWO boners!!!

[editor's note: "boners" should have been "bones"]

Christmas Shoes!

2009-12-22T19:33:00.001-06:00

The Big Guy hates this song so much it's hysterical!!! Seriously...just bring it up to him and watch him go nuts for like 10 minutes!! It's like mentioning something good about Obama to Glenn Beck except without the crying and general insanity. Oh man...Christmas shoes!!

Pants Does the Skaggs!! (Not literally...though I DO have my eye on you Jack)

2009-12-19T11:47:00.019-06:00

Reader Peeps....I AM BACK!!! Sorry for the hiatus, it's been a brutal effort from the Pants. B-R-U-T-A-L! It has been a busy few months though...of which I plan to inform you completely!!

But first, I have to let you know all about the ridiculously super fun time I had at the Skaggs' house last Wednesday (Holla at your girl Amy! LOL!). It was the first Fab 4 get-together in like a billion years. For those of you that don't know, the "Fab 4" consists of the following:

1. The Big Guy

2. Jack

3. MM

4. Sunny!! (FYI - you are almost required to put exclamation points after her name. Nobody is sure why, but it's true)

They all started at the Law Firm That Shall Not Be Named at the same time, and have stayed serious peeps ever since then!! In short, the Fab 4 rocks even harder than late-80s Poison!!

Also in attendance: Rob (awesome!), Amy (the tops!) and Jessica (eh). Not to mention Samuel and Jane Ann were there. So all the elements were in place for a blow-the-roof-off-the-joint type of funfest! And oh it did not disappoint!! Here's a photocap of the night:

Casa de Skaggs! Note how pretty and fancy! Ooo-La-La!

Am I running to the door because (a) of excitement to see my peeps or (b) to get away from Jessica? Answer: BOTH!!

Samuel giving me the first of many, many crackers over the course of the night. Needless to say, Samuel is now my favorite human person ever.

Sunny mixing her world famous margaritas! She and Rob own their own margarita machine!! Seriously. They are like the Kennedys!! (pssst Sunny, adopt me!)

Enjoying one of the aforementioned margaritas - delish! - Also, before anyone makes fun of me for my new sweater let me tell you, it's awesome. I love blankets, and it's like getting to wear a blanket all the time! The Big Guy and I went to the Pizza Eating Contest at Home Slice a few weeks ago (Shockingly Jessica didn't go, thus, it was a blast! Also, props to Chris Floyd - 4 time champ! Nice job Chompy!) and I got really cold. Like, so-cold-that-I-couldn't-stop-shaking cold! The Big Guy took off his sweatshirt and wrapped it around me to keep me warm (note to all the ladies who I am trying to upgrade Jessica with - the Big Guy is a serious gentleman. He also buys thoughtful presents, and his face is delicious!). A week later, Jessica did me a solid and got me this sweater, and I love it. Make fun of me at your peril!!!

Jack and Jane Ann. All together now. On the count of 3 - 1....2....3....awwwwwwwwwww.

Jack holding court and dropping some serious comedy on the group. Note Sunny ferociously pounding her margarita!

Give. Me. Enchiladas.

Reader peep quiz: Samuel is (a) staring in utter amazement at the deliciousness of the ice cream cake that Amy made, (b) enthralled by Jack's sweet, sweet lumberjack beard or (c) in the process of squeezing out a massive deuce in his pjs.

Help.

Sunny: "Have some margaritas."

Rob: "No."

Sunny: "Have some margaritas now!"

Rob: "No."

Sunny: "I will force feed this entire blender to you if I have to!!"

Rob: "I'm going home."

The Law Firm That Shall Not Be Named kept her late doing boring crap, but MM showed up!!! MM, you are totally my girl. Let's do lunch!

Two pieces of advice:

(1) Amy - don't get too close to Jessica again as she may try to eat you. LOL!!

(2) MM, do NOT look at Jessica directly like this without some sort of eye protection (sunglasses, eyepatches, a wall between the two of you) or she might turn you to stone Medusa-style.

They are watching "Sit and Be Fit." Seriously. I wish I was making this up.

Reminder. I am cute.

Jessica: "I HATE being in pictures."

MM: "I look good in pictures!"

Jack: "I am a dork! And I love it!"

I think we'll end with this one...mainly because I have nothing else to add to it. Dorks.

Crap

2009-10-16T22:42:00.002-05:00

I will admit readers, I still haven't been feeling quite myself of late. I have had this weird urge to cuddle with Jessica, and that really angers the Pants. Apparently, she got the SIM message and took me to the doctor. It turns out that my UTI is STILL not cleared up!!

The doctor did all kind of tests on me to figure out what was wrong. I was NOT happy!! They checked my poop and my ears, did an ultrasound of my bell, and took X-Rays!! $500 later, and I'm back on medicine. There are two upsides to my tale of woe: Jessica had to cough up the money (LOL!) and the medicine is giving me the runs. While the latter may not seem like an upside, I plan on having an "accident" somewhere very inconvenient and horrible for Jessica!! Especially since she left me alone for HOURS the other night to go see crappy U2. The Big Guy went as well, but I'm sure it was her fault. Plus, tomorrow they are going to some bar to watch football all day. Again - I'm sure this is Jessica's idea. So, while she's out tomorrow, she will get a great surprise!! LOLOL!! Any suggestions for where to leave her my gift?? I cannot WAIT!

Pants out!

I'm BACK!!!

2009-10-13T14:04:00.002-05:00

Hello Readers!! Thank you for your patience! I did not realize that I was so behind in my blogging until I received the following e-mail from my peeps Emmett and Sugar:

Dear Pants,
Emmett and Sugar here. Our stupid mom managed to bust her laptop at home so we have not been able to follow your blog for weeks! Imagine our surprise when we finally got back online and discovered there were NO POSTS from the Pants! We are concerned, nay, alarmed! Here it is just weeks until October and we have not even begun to coordinate outfits and mischievous pranks to play on our servants (I mean, owners). Is everything okay, Pants? We misseth thee.

Paws and kisses,
Emmett and Sugar

P.S. Our mom is so dumb she forgot she had an entire filet mignon in the refrigerator until it was too late to cook it for humans so we got to eat it for dinner last night. Also, she forgot to clothes the door where she hides her dirty clothes last week and we ate a pair of her underpants and pooped them out in the yard. Take that, Ms. Close Your Closet Door.

Emmett and Sugar - DUDES!! I am sooo sorry for my lack of posting. I have been recovering for the past month - yes, that is MONTH, from my UTI. On the plus side, that means a month of butter treats. Butter treats are what I call my pills. Seriously, if you dip your pills in butter, they are DELICIOUS! I cannot recommend this enough!! Anyway, I also have been a bit depressed because of the weather. Seriously, I was all for some rain, I know we needed it, but COME ON!! The Pants needs to be free, to run, to frolic, not to be walked around a few times a day and not allowed to moon walk in the grass because it is wet. The damp weather has had me in a bit of a funk, but I am back peeps!! Willing to shake it off and begin blogging anew!

Recently, due to the weather, I have been relegated to playing mind games with Jessica to keep myself entertained. Basically, I stare at her non-stop all day, Sim-style!! That's right!! I act like a SIM! She HATES IT!! This is my Sim face!!

"I want something! You must figure it out!! Come on Jessica, figure it out!!"" LOLOLOL!!

I have also been cuddling with Jessica more than usual. She totally thinks I am still sick and wants to take me to the vet!! She's so distraught!! It's HILARIOUS!! The truth is that the fatter she gets, the more comfy her lap gets, so I get to nap and mock her fattitude!!! It's awesome!! Between the fat lap nap technique and the Sim stare, I think I am slowly breaking her!!

Oh no!! Here she comes!! I will be back tomorrow peeps with a summary of what I've been up to!! There have been hijinks, shenanigans, and tom foolerys galore!! Brace yourselves!! The Pants Is BACK!

U.T.I did not enjoy this trip to Houston!

2009-08-09T21:58:00.003-05:00

Hello peeps!! I will fill you all in on the deets of my weekend later. But now I just want to share that while in Houston, I got a UTI, and I peed all over Frito Guy's carpet. I'm sorry Frito Guy!! Please invite the Pants back! I promise I will be UTI-free next time!! And thank you for coming to the hospital with me!! Can I get some sympathy readers?? The Pants is sad. :(

Sympathy for the Pants. :(

Don't Talk About Book Club

2009-07-31T14:49:00.005-05:00

Hello Readers!!! So sorry for my absence. Once again, Jessica is unemployed and hogging the computer. She sucks so bad I can't even explain my new level of disdain!! Thankfully, she joined a "book club" (which will probably just consist of her drinking a lot of wine - I don't think she's smart enough to have any real insight into literature), so she was out of the picture this past Wednesday evening! Which left the Big Guy and I alone to enjoy some quality time!!

The Big Guy went to Blockbuster to rent us a movie, while I took care of making the popcorn and flirtini's! (The Big Guy LOVES my flirtini's!) I couldn't wait to see what he would come back with. I've been dying to try and solve the Case of Benjamin Button. I could so totally be a crime dog!! My neighborhood watch has prepared me greatly to look out for clues. I could also go for something scary like Let the Right One In!! Then I have an excuse to cuddle up to the Big Guy!!

The popcorn was ready, the flirtini's were chilled, and I awaited the Big Guy's arrival. Finally, he came home. He came home with He's Just Not That Into You. Really Big Guy! Really!!

Movie FAIL!!

Now, I had to sit through this movie before with Jessica, and the Pants is Just Not That Into this movie. Let me summarize the boring plot for you. The girl from Big Love is a complete idiot and she's into the little douche mcgee from Entourage. But he's not into her. He's into Scarlett Johannsen, who, surprise surprise, is not into him. She's into Bradley Cooper, who is married. Somehow, we are supposed to see her pathetic ploy to steal a married man as ok because she is like his true love. Whatever - HOMEWRECKER!!! Apparently Bradley Cooper is into ScarJo, but not into his wife, who I guess is into him. The Mac Guy decides that he wants to help the idiot from Big Love out with her inability to tell that a guy doesn't like her. Why, who knows!! Oh wait!! It's because he's into her!!!! Wow!! Jennifer Aniston and Ben Whofleck are also in the movie - they are into each other, but not into marriage. And Drew Barrymore is in the movie for some reason, she winds up being into the little douche mcgee from Entourage. Good Lord!!!

People, I am seriously worried about the Big Guy. Why would he pick this movie?? What happened to my Big Guy!!?? I never worried about his love of flirtini's before, because, let's face it, they are delicious!! But voluntarily renting terrible chick flicks? Oh Big Guy, am I losing you? The Pants is disconcerted. I'm going to go ponder this in the Big Guy's office, and look for clues to his behavior. (Benjamin Button - watch out, I'm totally going to solve you!)

Better times.

LAURA HOLY CRAP LAURA!!!!

2009-06-22T22:39:00.006-05:00

I apologize for the pseudo-profanity title reader peeps, but this weekend was crazy times!!! I mean, crazier than Lindsey Graham after an Obama speech crazy!!! Where to begin!!

This past Saturday I woke up after a night of sleeping with Jessica and the Big Guy and stretched out next to the bed. I had low hopes for the day since I fully expected them both to sleep ALL DAY!! (Seriously, no human persons like sleep as much as Jessica and the Big Guy. I mean, I LOVE sleep....but those two love it on a whole different level. It's like...well, you know how some gay people like pretending to be straight and then there is Tom Cruise who LOVES to pretend to be straight? Well that's them with sleep. I mean, no wonder they can't keep a job!)

But lo and behold, got up right after I did...which obviously freaked me out. I quickly checked the calendar to make sure it was Saturday. When this type of freaky Halley's Comet-type behavior occurs it usually means that (a) they are going to that stupid place they call "work" and are taking me to Karen and Luke's (yay!); (b) they are going to stupid "work" and are going to leave me at home or take me to the Ford's house which is TERRIFYING without Karen and Luke there (blah!) or (c) they are leaving on a trip and are going to leave me behind (double blah!).

"Man it's fun on vacation without the Pants! Suck it Clancy!"

NOT COOL GUYS!!!!

To add to my nervousness, I watched Jessica randomly pack a big bag...they were going on a trip!!! Oh no! To combat this I quickly devised a plan, McGruber-style - I followed the Big Guy from room to room all morning. I figured that if I stayed within 2 feet of him at all times he couldn't leave! The plan was flawless...or so I thought. Everything was cool until I leaned back to scratch myself, turned around...AND HE WAS GONE!!! Oh no!!! What was the Pants to do??

Oh wait, he just went to the bathroom. Oh stinky Big Guy!! :-(

But then the Big Guy packed up some of my stuff and we BOTH jumped into the Prius! Oh Joy! A few minutes later, we parked in front of a house...and I realized..IT WAS LAURA'S House!! Okay, it's Laura and Paul and Samantha's house, but it's quicker to say Laura. Oh joy of joys with whipped cream on top!! I sprinted in and within 5 seconds both Laura and Samantha were rubbing my belly!! The Big Guy said something, but let's face it, I didn't really care...I was at LAURA'S!!

For 12 hours it was heaven! I played with my peeps, went for walks, got treats and totally posed for some sweet pics for Laura.

"Can I make love to the camera or what??"

Around 8:30 everything was going along awesomely! I was regaling Laura and Paul with stories of how stupid and smelly Jessica and the Big Guy can be when there was a knock on the door. I leapt to my feet with excitement!! Who could it be??!! My mind raced!! MM?? Luke Ford?? Jack?? Sunny?? Air Bud?? Jimmy McNaulty?? NO! It was these two:

Above: Two ways to spell "D-I-S-S-A-P-P-O-I-N-T-M-E-N-T"

First of all, I quickly learned that not only was it NOT Air Bud, but my owners had been AT THE LAKE ALL DAY ON SUNNY'S BOAT AND THEY DID NOT INVITE ME!!! I quickly took Tico's advice and began my deep breaths so as not to completely FREAK OUT! As my loyal reader peeps remember, my one day on the boat last summer with Sunny (which is like 7 summers ago for the Pants) was only the greatest day of my life. Thanks for the invite losers.

Luckily, the Big Guy and Jessica must have swallowed some lakewater because instead of being lame, they wanted to hang out with Laura and Paul and party! So we all had some wine, gathered round, and totally hung out! Mozart tried to hump me a bunch! Coco told stories about the good old days...and Tico showed me some youtube clips that were totally NC-17!! I saw things that can't be unseen!! Oh Tico...you scoundrel! LOL!

All in all a good night was had. We went home, watched some boob tube and hit the sack. Sometimes Jessica and the Big Guy don't completely suck (though you're both on notice - next time I get to go on the boat!!!)

Heaven.

I hate to say I told you so. . . (just kidding, I love it!)

2009-06-16T19:38:00.004-05:00

It turns out my pal Sugar is now on my side in the whole "sibling" debate of 2009!!! Way to step up to reality Sugar!!! Better late than never!! She writes:

Dear Clancy,

In reading your blog, I have noticed that we have so many things in common. One: Neither of us wanted a new canine sibling. Two: We both love trash parties. And Three (and most important for purposes of this communication), we both chase rodents. I write to share with you--a fellow rodent-hunter--the details of my most recent victory. First, some background. As you know, the House of Gitmo has been plagued with rodents in the past. My mom paid some idiot a bunch of money to come out and exterminate them. He was worthless. Not only did he exclude me the hunt, he didn't even allow me the pleasure of lolling around on top of their dead bodies to fully impregnate my fur with their rodentlicious smell. But I digress. The rodents returned. In a gracious effort to teach my new little brother how to REALLY hunt rodents, I demonstrated by capturing this little guy in our backyard:
I pounced upon him and, once stunned, I proceeded to demonstrate to Emmett (the despised younger brother) how one should toy with one's prey for as long as possible in order to savor the victory. FOILED! My mom saw me and came to take the rodent away. Probably because stupid Emmett was spinning around in circles and barking like an idiot.

"Hello, I'm Emmett, aren't I handsome?? Look at me!! La la la!!!"

Anyway, I knew I should've taken the rodent somewhere safe that she never goes (like the gym?) . . . But I was too proud. So that is my lesson to you, Clancy. I suspect the day when you catch a squirrel is not far off. And when that blessed day comes, do not make the mistakes I have made. Be sly, not proud. Share your victory with NO ONE until the last breath leaves the evil rodent's body. Until next time, Clancy. Until next time.

Sugar Montano
c/o Marilyn Montano

I am so lame!!!

2009-06-09T00:00:00.003-05:00

I have not been blogging and it is KILLING the Pants!!! I shall return with a vengeance after being requested to do so by both my homegirl MM and my H-town peep Nancy. (What up sista???) The short, short version of my last month:

- Jessica and the Big Guy got these contract jobs together. The poor Big Guy has to spend ALL DAY with Jessica!! I've been snuggling with him a lot more than normal these days, because all day with Jessica is TERRIBLE!! Oh poor Big Guy!

- Three days a week though I get to go spend the day with Karen, Luke and Baby Abby! The Fords!!! They are so awesome they deserve multiple posts. Luke is totally my new little bro, Baby Abby smells funny, and Karen is the cat's meow!

- The Big Guy pulled down half the tree in the front year the other day, and when he did he totally fell on his back like he was in a cartoon. Oh Big Guy!!

- I have been to the dog park multiple times and even got thrown in Town Lake!!

- Yesterday, I was forced to watch "The Lady in the Water", or, as I like to call it, "The Two-Hour Turd". It was the worst movie I've ever seen...and yes, it will be reviewed.

I'll be back soon with long posts that will make you laugh, make you cry and hopefully will make one of you kidnap Jessica to live with you. (she was out of town last month...oh rapture!) Love you reader peeps!

Little Sister Don't You . . . DARE TRY TO STEAL MY BIG GUY!

2009-05-06T22:14:00.018-05:00

Hello Readers! I know it has been a long time since you have heard from me, but this latest post is difficult for me to write! Oh the painful memories!! Anyway, as I posted a few weeks ago, the Big Guy and Jessica wanted to adopt a little sister for me. My friend Emmett told me it would be a great idea, I told him it would not and that he should shove it, and not surprisingly, I was right! The little sister was a DISASTER! And the worse part of the whole ordeal was that it was the Big Guy's idea!! I mean, I would expect this from Jessica. I pretty much ignore her, try to push her out of the bed, try to eat her food (although really, in that case, I'm just trying to help - PUT DOWN THE CHIPS FATTY!), and generally illustrate my disdain by glaring at her from across the room. She might want a little friend to cuddle with, but the Big Guy, he has no need to stray from our relationship! But he did, and I haven't quite forgiven him yet.

So, before I regale you with the "Tale of Juniper" (it's not as catchy as Mrs. Clancy Pants), I thought I would take a little jab at the Big Guy by posting pictures from some of our most recent adventures and general good times. If this does not shame him into never wanting to get another dog ever ever again, then nothing will work. (NOTE: This will work. The Big Guy is a Big Wimp, he hates the guilt!)

Big Guy, remember the fun times we had at the Dog Fair in Brentwood Park?? I do!! Like it was yesterday!

"Thank You Dog Fair! I FEEL welcome!!"

"Oh Big Guy, I know you will always have my back! (At least, I knew it at the time!)"

Remember how we checked out all the sites!

You helped me realize that I did not want to go through the freaky blue tunnel.

"Nope."

But you helped me realize that I did want to go over the kick ass obstacle pyramid thing!

"ADRIENNE!!!!"

And to top it all off, we ran into my buddy Astro!!

"Astro, seriously, how can you get that close? GAG!!"

"My pleasure, PEEP-LES."

Then, we celebrated both of our birthdays!! We are both Pisces, no wonder we are so perfect together. First, for your birthday, John and Cafferty came to hang out and karaoke with me and Pink Guy!! It was awesome!!!

"Menage-a-trois anyone?"

"Heaven!"

"Ok Pink Guy, I'll sing one more!! 'If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it!'"

NICE!

And then there was my birthday, which was like 50-something days ago according to the stupid countdown thing on the side of my blog, which Jessica probably put up and can't figure out how to take down!! We went to the dog park, just the two of us!!! It was wonderful, dare I say, funderful!

"Are we there yet???"

"OMG, I'm having so much fun, I think I'm going to start hallucinating!"

"Grandpa???"

"Probably time to go home, but WHAT A DAY!!!"

Alas, then it all went awry. Suddenly, that little tart Juniper was EVERYWHERE!!!! She was at Poochtini and Peticure night, she showed up at trivia at Mother Egan's, and it was all okay because she was with her own people.

"Um, okay, I don't think I can get the answer by osmosis."

"No, I AM CUTE, but I do not think we look cute together! What kind of question is that Big Guy?"

Then she showed up at our HOUSE!!! And her people left her!! It was awful. The Big Guy was feeding us both, and I was upset. He was letting her play with my toys, and I was upset. She was lying on my couches, and I was upset. She got up in my bed and I was LIVID! All weekend I avoided her. She'd come near me, and I would go hide in the other room. Jessica was upset because I wasn't making an effort. (I didn't really care.) The Big Guy started feeling the guilties (DUH!). And, in the end, it became clear that there could only be one top dog. ME!!!!!! Here are some pics of the horrors. Warning - they are not for the squeamish or faint of heart.

"You are not on the neighborhood watch. Please cease and desist!"

"Well, make yourself at home why don't you! That's MY couch! (Even if I rarely sit there.)"

"I am locking myself in this prison until you get rid of her Big Guy."

"I'm totally serious, and it is NOT comfy in here with this giant bed, NOT AT ALL."

"Bye Bye Bye!"

Ahhh, I do love dissing people with In Sync lyrics. Sweet justice she was sent packing. Crisis averted. The Pants DOES NOT WANT A SISTER!!! OR A BROTHER!!!! Can't we just adopt some lonely person from the street? They always LOVE the Pants, and pay me much attention. Other dogs take away attention - see the difference!!!

Big Guy, it hurts me to have to scold you like this. It truly does. I hope you have learned your lesson. I expect a fabulous weekend for the two of us while Jessica is in California. I want it all, Freddie's Place, Downtown, Billy's on Burnet, Cafferty - THE WORKS! So, stop reading, and GET PLANNING!

Stay thirsty my friends!

Mr. Fancy Pants!! (or Ms. Clancy Pants)

2009-04-26T17:34:00.001-05:00

Hey peeps!! My awesome friend Nick forwarded this song to me!! It is so kick ass if you substitute Clancy Pants for Fancy Pants! I am so famous!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mu71EAdnjQ0

Chances are your pants are not as fancy as the pair
Of very fancy pants that Mrs. Clancy Pants will wear
When everybody’s marching in the fancy pants parade
She’s gonna pass the test
She’s gonna be the best
The best in terms of pants

You look in every catalog you shop at every store
Cause even though you have a hundred pants you want some more
When suddenly you see the greatest pants you’ve ever seen
And even though you know
It’s gonna cost a lot of dough
You have to have the world’s best pants

Say a little prayer for Mrs. Clancy Pants
The whole world knows
They’re only clothes
And deep inside
She’s sad

They make the big announcement and the trophy goes to you
You thought you had some fancy pants and now you know it’s true
You look at Mrs. Clancy Pants and hold the trophy high
Everybody cheers
While she’s blinking back the tears
She doesn’t even have the best pants

Say a little prayer for Mrs. Clancy Pants
It’s all she had
But don’t feel bad
She’d do the same
To you

Crazy Times for the Pants

2009-04-25T11:11:00.017-05:00

Reader Peeps...what a stressful few weeks for the Pants!!! Without further ado (because if there's one thing the Pants will NOT put up with, it is ADO!), here's what's been going on in the life of the Pants.

First of all, Grandpa Jim and Grandma Linda came to visit for Easter!! It was awesome! Nobody knows how to celebrate the rising of OUR LORD like Jessica's parents! (Also, the only person who likes to use ALL CAPS more than the Pants is GOD...I mean...he goes a little overboard in the bible sometimes - it's like 100 times a page for GOD's sake. Whatevs.) To prepare for the arrival (My grandparents, not OUR LORD. That would have been impressive), I went to my spa day at Groomingdales down the street. Holy crap they make the Pants look good.

Groomingdale's: Styling the heck out of the Pants since 2006.

However, Groomingdales is now in the Pant's doghouse and is totally on notice!!! See below:

This is a board you do NOT want to be on, b/c it is near impossible to get off. Regis has been on for YEARS! (he knows what he did)

First reason for its being on notice is that Groomingdale's has all these photos of allegedly "cute" dogs post-spa day to encourage people to bring their dogs in. Well, how can you have a group of cute dogs and NOT include the Pants!! I AM THE CUTEST!!! -And not at all conceited - (posted by the Big Guy) Mmm, shut up Big Guy! get on your own blog!!! I mean, look at some of these dorks:

Warrant's retarded mascot.

Hey PETA! Groomingdale's is totally doing experiments on rats! LOL!

Half cat. Half tree. All ugly.

Actually, this is my homedog Putter. She is Fonzie cool! LYLAS Putter! (Note: I know that Putter tells some controversial jokes sometimes, but they are hysterical and she is totally NOT a racist like the half cat/half tree thing says!!)

Secondly, after giving me the best do ever...they ruined it by putting this in my hair.

"Her name was Lola, she was a showgirl..."

Thankfully, the Big Guy got it out of my hair before the fam arrived, and I quickly got to chilling with Grandma Linda!

Thanks for the talking card Grandma! It is freaking terrifying!

On Sunday, all the human persons went to Easter Mass, so I did my own Easter prayers, sepnt the rest of the morning watching the hood. I had volunteered for Easter duty so my fellow watchdogs could have easter egg hunts and engage in some good old fashioned Easter shenanigans.

Easter Hood Watch Motto: No crucifictions on MY watch!

While I selflessly devoted myself to the prevention of neighborhood crime, everyone else selfishly went to one of the yummiest restaurants in town - Fonda San Miguel! Not just that, they met up with the CAFFERTYS!!! Who are the Caffertys?? Since you must be living under a rock, I'll tell you - they are the only the most fun people to hang out with in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD. (Next to Stephen Colbert of course - he SLAYS the Pants! Hey Stephen, I totally wear my wriststrong bracelet everywhere I go) But did I get to go hang with the Caffertys?? Nope. Did anybody think to bring me a doggie bag home? Negative. Typical Easter suckage from the Big Guy and Jess.

Fonda San Miguel: Denying joy and happiness to the Pants since...well...forever.

Once everyone got home, things definitely changed for the better! We all played Password, which is now the Pants' new favorite board game (barely edging out Hungry Hungry Hippos. Oh man, the Pants DOMINATES with the pink hippo!). The teams were Grandma Linda and the Big Guy vs. Jessica and Grandpa Jim. Obviously, the Big Guy and Grandma Linda dominated...to the point that Grandpa Jim banged his shoe on the table and DEMANDED that the Pants replace Jessica on his team. Blushing with pride, the Pants obliged.

Watch how it's done Jessica.

Come on Grandpa Jim! The Pants just gave you the best clue ever!! This is NO TIME for goofy faces!

Help.

Last weekend was Juniper-gate. I'm not in a happy enough place where I'm ready to blog about this yet. I am still coming to grips with the horrific fact that the Big Guy tried to replace me with a Fraggle dog (Both Jessica and the Big Guy thought she was "cute." The Pants thought she looked like a "Jim Henson experiment gone awry." Anyway, the wounds are simply too fresh. Maybe later this week I'll be ready to talk..but in the meantime I would like to thank all my reader peeps for their thoughts and prayers for the Pants in this difficult time. Especially to my H-town friends, you guys are the tops!

However, I am happy to talk about ANOTHER snub of the Pants, this time at the hands of my homegirl MM! Last night there was a wine tasting at MM's house!!! Oh how excited I was!! I spent the day getting ready - grooming myself, getting my exercise in so I would look all toned for Emmett (who can be my gentleman caller anytime! ;-)) and composing some humorous yet flattering poetry that I planned to read to honor MM in front of all her peeps!

Oh greenies in heaven it was going to be a night to end all nights!! So when the time to leave came, I ran to the door and waited expectantly for someone to put on my leash. I waited and waited...yet the leash never came. I was like...WTH is going on? Then in a move that shattered the Pants' heart, the Big Guy rubbed my belly and told me I was not invited. Cutest dog in the world say what? WHAT? NOT INVITED???? I sat in disbelief and utter shock as they shut the door and left me alone. NOT INVITED??? Listen, I have partied at MM's numerous times. To wit:

Kicking it with MM and Sugar at MM's now-legendary 2008 Christmas Extravaganza.

Spinning tunes in MM's attic during a summertime fiesta! (you can't see the turntables, but they are totally there!)

And now I was not invited???!!! First the Big Guy, and now et tu MM??? I fear that I'm already getting closer to Jessica, and I am NOT okay with that. It would be like Hurley getting screwed over by Jack and Sawyer, and having to get closer to Ben. UN-ACC-EPTABLE.

MM, I demand an explanation or else you shall remain on the on-notice board INDEFINITELY! You have 72 hours to respond.

The Pants and MM in happier times.

Little Sister

2009-04-14T14:39:00.011-05:00

Crazy things are afoot at the Casa de Clancy. Rumors are swirling that I might be getting a little sister. I am NOT thrilled about this. My good buddy Emmett sent me this e-mail trying to cheer me up:

Dear Pants,
Do you still take reader questions? Technically, I'm not a "reader" per se, but my mommy reads your blog to me as I swoon over your beauty and general gloriousness. ;-)

Hey, how did you know it was EMMETT?!?!

Anyway, rumor at the dog park is that you might be getting a sister. I have a sister. Her name is Sugar and--trust me on this one, Pants--sisters are the bomb dog-gity! Here are 5 reasons why:

1. You can have a trash party and there's a 50/50 pants your parents will blame your sister instead of you.

2. You can eat your own food and then eat your sister's food. More food in the belly = happy dog.

3. Humans are SO lazy! But sisters are always willing to play with you.

4. Having a sister means more $$ your parents have to spend on doggy stuff. And that means less $$ to spend on going out to eat or going to bars. READ: More time doing free stuff with us - yay!

5. The number 5 (and best) thing about having a sister is how super duper cute you look in pictures next to a twin! Trust me, I'm pretty cute but I'm even cuter (yes, I know, hard to believe but TRUE!) when standing next to somebody who looks like you.

Anyway, I'm super stoked you're getting a sister. Let me know if you two want to have a play date because EMMETT LOVES TWINS!

Dear Emmett,

First of all, the Pants would like to thank you for your continued patronage and incessant flattery! The Pants loves flattery! So - points to you for that!! However, I feel that I would have to DISAGREE with you that having a sister is the "bomb dog-gity". I believe had your big sister Sugar been the one to write me, she might have a very different opinion. Or maybe not, she might be more tolerant and giving than the Pants! In fact, I know she is! She is loving and kind and wonderful! She is even nice to Jessica! While admirable traits all, kindness and lovingness are not the way to get ahead in life. Sorry Sugar!!! You are too sweet! LOL!!

Sugar, you should change your name to Sucker!

So, I'm going to give you my top 5 reasons why sisters suck! Down with sisters!! Here goes:

1. I know how to handle myself at a trash party. I don't need any help there. I'm so cute that no one can get seriously mad at me for indulging in the occasional trash party!! Plus, if I had a sister, I would have to SHARE THE SPOILS!!! The Pants HATES sharing!! So, consider your first point REFUTED!

2. What if she eats my food!!! I am a vegetarian and require a very strict diet - I can't deal with a yappy little dog trying to cramp my eating style! Come on Sugar, think, that is a bad point!

3. Ok, I'll give you this one, it might be fun to have a playmate. Jessica and the Big Guy, and particularly Jessica, are very lazy, and I've always enjoyed play dates. But, the key to that is that the playmates always LEAVE! I get the run of all the couches and beds and windows in the house, and I like my personal space. If this "sister" could come over and play and then leave, the Pants would probably be cool with that!

4. More money and time to spend on the Pants is a great idea!! Take out the word "us" from your sentence and replace it with "me" and you've got another good point!

5. TWINS!!! Are you crazy!!! No one, and I mean no one, can hold a candle to the Pants!!! I mean, this might be considered cute by some:

MEH.

I mean, she's ok, and in another house, she might be the cutest thing, but not in my house Emmett!!! I am the cutest, and the sweetest, and I'm PANTS!!!

So, I will give the sister thing a shot if it is forced upon me, but I will not make it easy for this new dog. She will have to earn my respect. Plus, I've heard rumblings that the idea to bring this new dog into our house is being spearheaded by the Big Guy. NOT COOL BIG GUY! If there is truth to this rumor, you and I will have WORDS! STRONG WORDS! That leads me to the number 6 reason to not get a little sister - it might bring Jessica and I closer!! And I for one DO NOT want that!

Emmett, I still love you, your naivete is cute, and would love to have a play date with you and Sugar, but get back to me when your mom brings another sister into your house!! See how you feel then and get back to me!!!

LYLAS (note, it's love you "like" a sister, not an actual sister),

PANTS

Oh Jon Stewart..

2009-04-08T15:54:00.001-05:00

You slay me with YOUR crazy antics!!!

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

M - Th 11p / 10c

Baracknophobia - Obey

thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Economic Crisis

Political Humor

hey hey

2009-04-05T04:13:00.001-05:00

it's been too long reader peeps, but I just wanted to say that today was a good day! yesterday Jessica and the Big Guy slept all day and were sick or something. I don't know, all I know is that yesterday I was bored out of my mind!!

But today they took me to Threadgills where I got to eat tacos and party with a bunch of young kid type human persons. it was awesome!!! Thanks Jessica!! and you too Big guy!!!

I'm going to totally snuggle with them both now...they earned it.

More Wordle...

2009-03-21T13:45:00.001-05:00

The Pants can't get enough of it! This is a wordle about my boating day!! Oh Buoy!

Wordle

2009-03-18T13:18:00.001-05:00

Hey all! I will be posting about my birthday adventures soon! Thanks for all the birthday wishes! However, right now I'm too busy "recovering to do much of anything, so I made a "Wordle". I got the idea from Amy Skaggs (my main man Samuel's mom) and did it at www.wordle.net. As you can see, I love the Big Guy!

TV Photocap: Grey's Anatomy

2009-03-15T10:14:00.016-05:00

Here's a new feature that the Pants is rolling out! I love to watch TV with the Big Guy and Jessica, but have begun VERY annoyed at the show that is Grey's Anatomy. This show was always trash TV, but it was fun and the Pants loved the shenanigans at Seattle Grace Hospital!!. In the last 2 years though, it has undergone seriously major suckage. If you have never watched the show, let me introduce you to the main suckfaces....er, characters:

Meredith Grey

Meredith Grey (get it? "Grey"'s Anatomy! oh man....verbal hinjinks!) is the central protagonist of the show even though she sucks really, really hard. More importantly she looks exactly like the Grinch!! Also her mom is dead, but was a great doctor (and a real Type A bizzatch) who had an affair with the Chief a long time ago Finally, McDreamy loves her, but she keeps making excuses not to be happy. Meredith is stupid.

"I've come to steal your jingtinglers and floobfloobers!!!"

Derek Shepherd

Known as "McDreamy" because of his hotness and his lustrous sweet, sweet hair, Derek is inexplicably in love with the Grinch. He is a world class brain surgeon who is so good at his job that up to half of his patients never survive!! He is kind of stupid.

"A threesome with Meredith and the Cat-in-the-Hat?? I'm in."

Isobel Stevens

First of all, who the hell spells their name "Isobel?" It's "IsAbel" moron! Known as "Izzy", she is the most annoying TV character ever created (well, next to her dead beau Denny who just would NEVER GO AWAY!!). She is whiny, needy, incompetent, selfish, annoying and dumb. other than that, she's awesome! On the plus side, she now has a brain tumor and will be leaving the show soon when she dies! Yay!!! Needless to say, she is super, super, super stupid.

"Does Excedrin get rid of brain tumors? I'm a very bad doctor."

George O'Malley

The whiniest character in television history, George somehow gets all the girls in the hospital to fall in love with him, but instead of hooking up with them he just pouts. A lot!! He is also leaving the show, sadly he hasn't been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Yet. Luckily he is almost never on the show anymore because even the show's writers ran out of ideas to make him interesting - no small feat!! He is super stupid.

"How come the girls in this hospital are the only ones alive that don't know I'm gay?"

Alex Karev

The most brooding character of the show, likes to sleep around, make fun of O'Malley and just generally be an ass. Needless to say, he's pretty awesome! Unfortunately for him, he likes Izzy, who ignored him for weeks because she was humping her dead boyfriend Denny (don't ask me to explain, suffice to say the story line was so dumb it made the Big Guy yell at the TV. A lot!). Alex does not suck at all!

Warning: Serious Brooding

Christina Yang

Yang, affectionally known as the "Pan Face" (not because she's Asian - the Pants loves Asians! She just has the flattest face ever!) is mean and would NEVER in a million years rub the Pants' belly. She is the only one of the young doctors who seems to have actually been through medical school and is very good at her job. Unfortunately, she's about as much fun to hang out with as a rattlesnake. She is stupid.

"If I met you Reader Peep, I would totally hate you."

Mark Sloan

Known as "McSteamy" due to his good looks and general awesomeness, Sloan is the best character on the show by like a billion miles. He slept with Addison and broke up McDreamy's marriage, but now they are buds - because hey, who can stay mad at this face?? He's now dating Meredith's younger sister which is kind of annoying, but nothing he does can make me love him less. More wisecracks and hijinks please Dr. Sloan!! You are the Pants' most favorite and the best!!

"Hey Pants, how about heading into the closet with me?"

Lexie Gray

Meredith's half sister (they share a looney tunes father), Lexie is an intern and has a photographic memory. She also is really, really lame. Unlike Izzy and George she isn't incompetent, she is just dull. Also, the Big Guy is perplexed with her because after two years he still can't decide whether she's attractive or not. Oh Big Guy!! Such trials!!! Plus, the Pants doesn't like her because recently she broke Dr. Sloan's...ummm...special little Sloan. Not cool Lexie!!! She is kind of stupid.

"Wait, you can break it?"

Addison Montgomery

Addison was awesome, but then she stupidly left Grey's Anatomy for one of the worst shows ever - Private Practice. Private Practice makes Grey's Anatomy look like the West Wing. Poor Addison and Taye Diggs, trapped on that crappy show. Grandpa John thinks Addision is super hot which makes the Pants feel weird inside. Not cool Grandpa John!! Anyway, Addison is McDreamy's ex-wife who, while she was married, cheated on him with McSteamy (I'm not judging Addy! He is yummy! LOL) and then hooked it up with Alex!! Plus any time she was stressed/upset/happy/sad/alive/breathing, she was boozing it up at the bar next door. She's awesome. Come back to Grey's Addison!!

The typical viewer's reaction to Private Practice.

Miranda Bailey

Dr. Bailey is kind of cool. She is fiery, feisty and all those other terms people on TV call spirited college point guards (except she is not a "gym rat"). Despite being pretty cool, she was responsible for the (lack of) development of the 5 young and generally terrible doctors since she was their resident. Despite this, she's proven to be one of the best surgeons at the hospital since her patients die only about 1/3 of the time. Her husband is also a huge loser - imagine Michael on "Lost" but times ten. Super stupid right? Dr. Bailey is okay.

"Yeah, Dr. Bailey has 'do me' eyes. Deal with it!"

Richard Webber

The Chief of Surgery was pretty awesome when he was just the dorky Chief who went fishing and wanted to hang out with the guys. Now that he's trying to brood (that's Alex's job Chief!) he's not nearly as funtastic. He used to get it on with Meredith's mom while she was married so they have a weird, but weirdly close relationship. Most importantly, the Chief would definitely rub the Pants' belly if given the chance!! He is okay.

"Our surgery department is outstanding! Over 8% of our patients survive and over 30% of those aren't in a coma a month later!"

The Interns

This is a picture of just one of the interns, who apparently are all morons. Instead of acting like they went to medical school, they act like they just got done tapping keg #2 at a frat party. Their actions generally involve acting stupid, making mistakes, making silly faces when being asked serious questions and possibly pooping their pants. They are ridiculous and must be stopped at all costs! They are stupid.

"Franks and beans! Franks and beans!"

So there you have most of the cast of the show. Also, if you are ever in Seattle and get sick under no circumstances should you ever go to this hospital. The odds are that you will die, no matter what minor affliction you might have.

Downtown Clancy Brown!!

2009-03-14T13:06:00.015-05:00

Reader peeps!! I have so much to blog to you about! In the immortal words of Pink, let's get this party started!!

So a few weeks ago, I was lying around taking a nap, when the Big Guy told me we were going out for the day! Such excitement!!! We hopped into his sweet Prius (FYI - it's name is "John Black" after the best daytime TV character EVER!! Oh Big Guy, you are the tops!!) and took off for a ride. I wasn't sure where we were going, so I totally was grilling him big-time:

"If you are taking me to the dog bath place I'm going to kill you."

But being awesome and totally Big Guy-ish, he let me know that it was the Pants' "Sex and the City" day! At first I got worried, thinking that I was going to have to see a neighbor guy's penis like I did in the movie. SUPER GROSS! But luckily the Big Guy just meant that we were going to go to lunch downtown and I was going to get to bump paws with all the movers and shakers on the streets of Austin!!

"Hey Leslie! Move and shake it man!"

We picked up Jessica from work and they ran inside JW to get something "notre-ized". It must have had something to do with Notre Damn and the lads. (Go Irish!) Once they were done, they came and got me from the car and took me up to the street. However, instead of being normal and taking the stairs, they forced me into a moving room of death!! I hate them!!! The only way I've been able to survive them is to go into crouch mode to counteract the terrifying death movement.

Notice the lifesaving crouching. You have to really bend the knees!

Soon we were on Congress Ave. and taking in the sunshine and smells of downtown Austin. My town rocks!

Best. Duo. Ever.

While on the streets we ran into one of the Big Guy's old business colleagues. He rubbed my belly, but before we could get a picture of him and the Pants, he backed out saying he didn't want to be on the blog. Who doesn't want to be on the blog?? It's an honor!!!

"When the Pants says pose, you pose bizzatch!"

And who was this man who was too scared to take on the Pants? That's right, the legendary Captain Poopface!!

"I'm scared of the Pants! And cameras!"

Not letting the picture debacle get the three of us down, we took off north on Congress, walking next to where they are building the Austonian condos and through this super long creepy hallway!

"Let's pick it up guys! Seriously, what if a tape devil or dustbuster comes after me right now! The Pants would be dead!!! Hurry!!"

Soon we were back on the streets and I was totally chatting up other 2009 Austin businesswomen on their lunch break.

"Excuse me miss, but you're wearing jeans to work downtown?

That's so 1997. Make it work!"

Here is the Big Guy ignoring my obvious desire to go to the Littlefield Mall and pick up a new cowboy hat:

"PAY ATTENTION!"

Then it was onto my new favorite downtown restaurant - the Pita Pit!! After posing for this picture with me, the Big Guy went in to get the food while Jessica and I chillaxed at a table outside and greeted everyone going in and out.

God I love Falafel Fridays!

Once we dropped Jessica back off at work, I dug into my lunch.

"Big Guy, I said wheat bread, not white bread!! You're better than that!"

Then the Big Guy and ran some errands and it was on to my favorite restaurant in ALL of Austin!! Freddie's Place!!! We met up with my favorite fellow redhead Sunny (sorry Jack, if you were there that day YOU would have been my favorite ginger. The Pants is fickle.) to have some drinks and hang out!

"One High Life please!"

"Did someone order a Pants?"

"Yes, I'm very cute Sunny, thank you. Now where's my High Life??"

After 3 of the most fun hours of my life with Sunny and the Big Guy, Jessica showed up:

Help.

Just kidding! Jessica was totally fun that day. And what a day it was! Thanks Jessica, Big Guy and Sunny for making my Sex and the City day perfect!! I got to hang with the businessfolk, eat some food, gossip over drinks and then go home and take a nap - all on a 60 degree perfect day! Big Guy, I know you keep talking about "needing money", but please, I implore you - NEVER GET A JOB!! Unemployed Big Guy = heaven for the Pants.

The Pants and Austin: a winning combination since 2003.

A Shout Out from Emmett!!

2009-03-05T16:47:00.004-06:00

So I was checking my email today and IM'ing with Tico (he told me an un-pc joke about a Cuban, a Puerto Rican and a chihuahua today that totally slayed the Pants!!) when I got this email from Emmett. In case you've forgotten, he's my main homegirl's MM's pup, and he is totally boss. Since he's still not good with pic messaging yet, MM sent it for him. It said "Emmett says to tell his main squeeze Clancy that he pines for her (as shown in this photo) ;-)" Oh man, I'm pumped!! Not only did Emmett give me a serious shout-out, but a wink too?? It's good you can't see me Reader Peeps, because the Pants is seriously blushing! If I was only aging backwards like boring Benjamin Button, we could totally have a fling for the ages Emmett!!

Check out how intense my love for you is Pants...

Hey Big Guy...

2009-03-05T09:55:00.000-06:00

The reason I'm staring at you from the couch is not because I'm bored...it's because the Pants needs to take a dump! Come on Big Guy! Let's go for a walk!!!

Give the Pants an Oscar...

2009-03-04T17:37:00.000-06:00

for continuing my Oscar post from last week (it has been a busy neighborhood watch week Reader Peeps!). Now without further ado (because let's face it, there has been too much ado recently) let's get to the broadcast.

Hugh Jackman opened the night by dancing around all super-hot-for-a-human-person like! Talk about bringing sexy back! Wowsas!!

Hey Oscars! Don't make Hugh be some sort of weird crossbar in your silly Oscar field goal competition! He's Wolverine for goodness sake!!

Needless to say, my main man Hugh totally rocked the hizzy! Some of his friends came out on stage to help him through his big opening number.

Hugh is one material girl!

Then, my girl Beyonce (who I chill with whenevs I go to H-Town) came out on stage. I love her and all, but she totally dances like she has the epilepsy.

Maybe this top hat will protect me from the blinking lights!

Then it was time for awards galore!! For the acting ones, they did this weird thing where 5 former winners came out to present the award and each talked about one of the nominees. It wasn't "Scarlett Johannsen coming out of the balcony" weird, but it was pretty weird.

"We were all so much better than you nominees are...well, except for little Halle on the end there of course, bless her heart."

Penelope Cruz won for "Vicky Christina Barcelona!" I didn't see it because Woody Allen is old and creepy and stopped making good movies before the Pants was born. However, good for her. Viva La Espana!

"It's true, Tom only got aroused sexually when I wore a L. Ron Hubbard mask. Or when I ordered one of his favorite male prostitutes."

Two of my favorite people came out to present an award! Tina Fey and Steve Martin! Hilarity!

"Why don't you let me get that booger for you?"

When they started handing out Oscars to random asian guys, I went and refilled my flirtini glass.

Hey asian guy, when does Rush Hour 4 come out???

Then stupid "Man on Wire" won despite it being the most boring movie ever. That French guy sucks.

Don't just watch him! Grab the Oscar and stab him!!!

Then Ben Stiller came out and set a personal record by being funny more than once in the same calendar year!

More like "V for Va-Va-Voom!" I heart you Natalie!

The best actor award went to Sean Penn. Once again, Air Bud was denied!!! Oh Air Bud, when will the Academy give you your due!

"The color black and gay people both RULE!"

Then in the biggest surprise of the night, South Park's "Timmy" won for Best Director! He was undercover however, and went by the code name "Danny".

"DANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNY!!!!"

"TIMMMMMMMMMMMMMMY!!!!!!!!!!!"

Kudos to you Timmy!! Then it was time for Best Picture. And the winner is...Slumdog!!! Man, if you thought there were a lot of defections when the Cuban baseball team came to America, you haven't seen anything yet. Congrats to the cast and crew, and good luck staying in the country!!!

"Angelina, will you adopt us??"

Michigan Sucks!

2009-03-04T17:16:00.000-06:00

This is the same reaction the Pants has when I hear the Michigan fight song! LOL! Go IRISH!!!

Oscar Night...The Red Carpet!!!

2009-02-24T18:58:00.000-06:00

Well take me to Petco and spank me senseless!!! What a weekend!!! Reader Peeps, my deepest apologies for the delay in getting my Oscar posts up (yes, there is more than one - The Pants LOVES the Oscars!!), but oh what a night!! The star power!!! The brilliant performances!!! Miley Cyrus dressed like a stegosaurus!!

ROAR!

"Hi there, I'm the real Mr. Cyrus. Where's my seat?"

Jessica, the Big Guy and Grandpa Jim went to the Alamo Drafthouse to watch the Oscars, leaving the Pants alone to check it out by myself! Normally I would have been annoyed, but I do enjoy watching award shows by myself so I can focus on the glamour and festivities! So I mixed myself some flirtinis, dragged the bag of greenies over and hit "record" on the DVR in case something was so awesome the Pants needed to rewind and check it out again. (And by "something" I of course mean "Hugh Jackman!" Va-Va-Voom!! Mr. Jackman, you can rub the Pants' belly ANYTIME. ;-))

Thusly prepared, I hit play to watch the stars come down the red carpet! The stars were so bright, the Pants needed to wear shades!! LOL!! First up, Viola Davis from Doubt, a movie about nuns being mean and priests being naughty. Did he or didn't he? I don't know!! So much DOUBT!!

"Did you know you can get nominated for an Oscar even if you're onscreen for less time than it took for this duo to get sent home on the Amazing Race? It's true!"

"This hill be tall"

"I know woman, I'm busy carryin' your dumb ass up it"

Another supporting actress who I love!!! Isla Fisher!!! She was in Doubt and her character loved Frosty the Snowman!

"For the last time I am NOT Isla Fisher!! I'm AMY FREAKING ADAMS!! I'M UP FOR A FREAKING OSCAR!!! GET IT RIGHT!!! SON OF A..."

"My bad." I loved you in "Definitely, Maybe" though.

Josh Brolin and Diane Lane!!! I always forget you guys are married!!!

"I still can't believe I didn't get nominated for Nights in Rodanthe!"

"I can."

Then it was on to Robert Downey Jr. I heart him!!

"Don't touch me bitch."

Hey, it's sucky Zac Efron! Star of sucky High School Musical!

Totally gay.

Oh look, it's Zac's beard....er...."girlfriend", Vanessa Hudgens

Sorry Vanessa, all the naked pictures in the world can't un-gay this one.

Danny Glover! Why in the world are you there? When is Lethal Weapon 5 coming out??

"How's it going? Who's this white woman? Where the hell am I?"

My main man Philip Seymour Hoffman! He was awesome in Doubt!! There is NOBODY on earth who can not give a crap like SeyHoff can - he's the best! Drop something funny on me SeyHoff!

"I may or may not have pooped myself."

Good one SeyHoff!! LYLAS! Hey, it's Octo woman...er, Angelina Jolie. She was nominated for "Changeling" where she had her kid stolen. It's funny because she now has so many kids that she probably wouldn't even notice if one was gone until her assistant brought her the Amber Alert. (and then it's only 50/50. She's kind of weird.) Hey Angie, don't you have a man to steal or something?

(sniff) (sniff) "Is it just me or do I smell an ethnic baby close by??"

Oh God. Mario Lopez.

Go. Away.

NOBODY is crazier than Mickey Rourke...sorry about your dog Mickey, word on the streets is he was a good dude. How's Mickey doing tonight?

"Mmmmhmmmm....I sure do like to eat glasses and french fried potaters. Mmmmm."

But my guess the night is going to belong to Slumdog Millionaire!! The Pants LOVED this movie!!! It's proof that even some human persons like poop as much as the Pants!! So I was happy to see Dev Patel and Frieda Pinto roll down the carpet.

"Frieda, I love you and all, but I'm worried I'll never get that "India" smell off of you."

And finally the Slumdog kids!

"Could you explain again why we can't just poop on the street like we do back home?"

Now on to the awards....

The Google Game

2009-02-14T11:30:00.000-06:00

Okay so I was checking out my main man B-Side's Blog, and thought this google game looked super fun to do! At first it sounded silly, but when I read B-Side's entry I was totally cracking up!! (and TOTALLY crushing on B-Side!)

The rules are simple: go to Google and type in quotation marks around your name and then "likes to" (Ex: "Big Guy likes to"). Type in the first things that come up and re-post in your own note.

My search results are in bold, with my comments below:

1. Sometimes Clancy likes to test his boundaries with the other animals in the house and with his foster mom.
(Other than calling me a dude, this is totally on the money!! I KNEW Jessica wasn't my real Mom!! The Big Guy and I can finally run away together!!!)

2. Clancy likes to chase balls that are bigger than he is.
(Ummm look, Clancy can be a girls' name too. I'm starting to get a complex here.)

3. Clancy likes to mimic in his writing the real-life shadowy nature of villians by not clearly identifying them.
(The Pants never reads critics of the blog, so I will ignore this. Plus, this criticism confused me, much like when the Big Guy and Jessica tell me to "stay out of the trash." Why would I do that when it's so fun to dive on in?)

4. Clancy likes to chill right under my desk and keep my feet warm.
(Is this you Big Guy? Do you have another website that I don't know about??!!)

5. In his spare time Clancy likes to race through the yard with his sister dog, Molly.
(Who the hell is Molly? More importantly, Jessica, did you and Grandma Linda give the Pants a dude's name?)

6. Clancy likes to chew ice that we put in her water bowl.
(I totally do!! And the Pants is a girl again! Yay!)

7. Clancy likes to garden.
(If by "garden" you mean "pee in the garden" then yep, you nailed it!)

8. Clancy likes to believe his clients are conscientious and good people.
(This is a commonly misunderstood belief about the Pants. I believe most human persons are good people, however most of my clients are real douchebags.)

9. Clancy likes to expound on entities in his books for the most part, but he doesn't always.
(So true! The Pants sometimes cannot expound on entities because I must be manning the couch on hood watch!)

10. Clancy likes to draw and right letters so that is easy too.
(Apparently I don't like to spell correctly so that is easy too)

11. Clancy likes to have his name slapped onto his products.
(I DO like to have my name on products!!! My top three choices: (1) Clancy's Sirloin Steaks...For Dogs!; (2) Clancy's Special Blend Peanut Butter; and of course (3) Jillian Michaels and the Pants: Dancing your Way to Slimmer Thighs)

12. Clancy likes to get started.
(Of course I do! Otherwise there would be no party! LOL. LYLAS Pink!)

13. Clancy likes to play the piano, early in the morning!!
(This is true. But since the Big Guy and Jessica are too poor to buy me a piano, I go out onto the couch and play from memory. Oh how I miss the tickle of the ivories on my paws!)

14. Clancy likes to whore out games.
(The Pants is a classy dame thank you very much)

15. Clancy likes to write, and write, and write.
(True and true and true)

16. Clancy likes to scheme.
(How else is the Pants ever going to get to experience the common joys in life like candy corn, taco shells and getting rid of Jessica?)

17. Clancy likes to put stereotypical liberal views into the mouths of traitors and jerks in his later books.
(Absolutely false! I put stereotypical RIGHT WING views into the mouths of traitors and jerks in my later books!! Was this you Hannity??? And what have you done with poor Alan Colmes??)

18. Clancy likes to impose on the handicapped.
("Hey you in the chair! Can you wheel me across the street??)

19. Clancy likes to garden.
(Apparently I need to work on my green thumb...oh wait, I don't have thumbs! Nevermind!!)

20. Clancy likes to live on the edge.
(Finally, someone who totally gets the Pants!)

Joaquin Phoenix

2009-02-12T17:40:00.001-06:00

Now the Pants liked "Walk the Line" as much as the next dog, but what's up with Joaquin Phoenix these days?

Either he has gone crazy, or he is totally dropping an Andy Kaufman on us! (Yes I know who Andy Kaufman is!!! The Pants LOVED "Man on the Moon!" LOL!!)) I'm going with crazy, just because that's more fun!! Yay!!

Oh Crap.

2009-02-10T20:01:00.000-06:00

Hello loyal readers. A forlorn Pants is writing this from underneath the bed in the guest bedroom. The reasons for this are many and varied, consisting primarily of a total overreaction to a childish prank! Or at least that's how I see it. I'm still under the bed because the Big Guy and Jessica are not happy with me (Thank goodness for wireless! LOL!). In fact, the Big Guy yelled at the Pants, spanked the Pants, and then Jessica gave me a seriously stern talking to as well! To say the least sweet Reader Peeps, today has not been a good day.

Let me begin at the beginning. Today started out awesome!! The Big Guy and I cuddled in bed for a while, and then he got up and took me for a walk before he even ate any breakfast!

A top o' the morning to you too neighbor person!

We finished our walk and headed home to chill a bit while he did some chores, and then about 11:45 he jumped in the Prius and drove off to have lunch with Kerri and Natalie - two awesome peeps who he used to work with!! The Pants knew the Big Guy would be back in an hour or two, so I thought I'd just lay down on the couch when I saw it...the Big Guy had left the trash bag on the floor. TRASH PARTY HOLY CRAP!!!!

To explain, when the trash bag gets too full to fit in the trash can he puts it on the floor, and when he leaves he usually puts it on the counter....but NOT TODAY!!! It was sitting on the kitchen floor, open and ready for the Pants to tear into it!! My heart began racing and my vision blurred as I tried to decide what to do!!! Should I be a "good dog" and ignore it? It would make the Big Guy sooooo happy if I ignored the trash when I had the chance to wreck it. On the other hand should I risk the wrath of the Big Guy, throw caution to the wind and engage in the most fun thing to do ever in the world!!! I quickly turned right and left to the angel and devil on my shoulder for guidance:

Hey Clancy! It's us, the Jonas Brothers! We're known for good, clean living, promise rings, always washing behind our ears and churning out music that makes "Mmmmmbop" look like "Enter Sandman!" You probably forgot our first names, but from left to right it's Poser, Shinypants, and Monchichi. Anyhoo, you should definitely NOT throw a trash party! Instead, go into the closet and throw together a terrible wardrobe - the ones above took us like 3 hours to put toether! By then the Big Guy will be home and you won't be in trouble. Be like us and be cool Pants!

Good points all Jonas Brothers! Then I heard from my devil side:

Screw those Dork Brothers Pants. Crack open some Boones, rip open the trash and trash party your tits off!!! The Big Guy will understand. And if not, screw him because your name is CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCLANCYPANTS!!! (Bawitdaba!!!)

Done and done Mr. Rock! So like my man out of Detroit Rock City said, I dove in and threw a SERIOUS TRASH PARTY. What separated this TP from all the others was the shocking discovery of nearly a whole bag of uneaten Jelly Belly Candy Corn. They threw the deliciousness away because the Big Guy insanely said that it was "ass flavored", but not to the Pants! Candy Corn, meet Clancy Dolan!! Remembering how Jessica uncovered my hiding places in the past, I smartly took the bag and hid it under the pillows on the guest bed. But that was not all, oh no! I then took half the candy out of the bag and brought it into the Big Guy and Jessica's room and hid it in THEIR pillows! TWO hiding places...ingenious!!!

Once the booty had been buried, I got to work and devoured me some candy corn!! Mmmm mmmm delicious!! After I had filled my tummy up with vanilla goodness, I waited at the window for the Big Guy to return home. Once he did, I got into trouble and totally pretended to be sad (Kid Rock, you would have been proud!), but after 15 minutes we were friends again. MUCH more importantly, he did NOT find the candy corn I had so expertly hidden!

A few hours later my stomach was not feeling well, but the Big Guy wanted to take me for a walk and I had to pretend everything was a-ok so as not to arouse suspicion. Halfway down the block though, I totally felt the corn coming up....and I puked in the street!! Right in front of all my neighborhood watch friends - oh the embarassment! And then twenty feet later, I did it AGAIN. The horror!!! I lowered my head in shame as we trudged back to the house.

With his suspicions raised from the Vomit March, the Big Guy did his best Lewis and Clark as he went exploring the house and quickly found what I had done in their bed. Not only did I hide the candy corn in the sheets, but I may or may not have puked a few times in the bed first (hint: I totally did!).

Foiled!

The Pants is seriously ashamed I can't hold my candy corn liked I used to.

So after the vomit discovery the Big Guy yelled at me. A lot. It was NOT good times. But I proceeded to hide under the bed for half an hour and all was right with the world. Well, it was until Jessica got home and told the Big Guy to look in the guest bed for more candy. Dammit.

I don't see any candy Big Guy! What are you talking about??

Oh, THAT candy! I think Jessica put it there??

So needless to say it was another half-hour under the bed for the Pants AND all the candy was thereby removed from the premises. Oh well, at least me and the Big Guy are friends again, right?

Or not.

My World is Upside Down!

2009-02-08T13:06:00.000-06:00

Reader Peeps, the Pants' mind is still reeling from the events of last night!!! Check this out!! Last night Jessica totally did something awesome (on purpose!!) for an early Valentine's Day and cooked one of the Big Guy's favorite meals - Grandma Marilyn's meatloaf!! Drawing on her past history, I figured she would totally screw it up...so I sat in the kitchen while she cooked to both (a) hope she dropped some food on the floor (she did!) and (b) taunt her (I did!). However, I've got to be honest with you, Jessica overcame the nearly insurmountable odds stacked against her and made some ridiculously kick-ass meatloaf! How do I know? Because she gave me some at dinner...and the Big Guy gave me some mashed potatoes!!! The Pants LOVES early Valentine's Day!! Jessica - kudos to you! For serious!!!

The reason Jessica did Valentine's Day a week early is because next Sunday, the Big Guy is running a freaking marathon, and Jessica is running a freaking half-marathon. The Pants thinks they are both insane. Yesterday they ran 17 miles and 11 miles each, and bitched about it all night long. (I'm not ripping on them, I would totally bitch too!) The Pants is confused why anyone would choose to run for 4 hours when instead you could stay at home and pet this instead:

RUB MY BELLY!!

Also, if you remember, this was the Pants after the Texas Dog Walk last year which was only 3 miles long:

Texas Dog Walk: 1, Pants: 0

Also, running marathons is making the Big Guy's toenails fall off!! GROSS!!!

Anyway, I just wanted to say that last night was awesome and Jessica can sure cook some meatloaf (but don't worry Big Guy, I only have eyes for you! ;-)). Alright, it's time to go watch the hood Reader Peeps! The Pants is out!!

On patrol, Pants' style.

Tim Friend and Gewinner

2009-02-05T10:57:00.000-06:00

Dear The Pants,

Good Work on your Super Bowl prediction. I almost predicted the score too. My prediction was Steelers-27 Cardinals-24. The only thing I won was a stupid calendar from a vendor and "the awe and admiration" of my coworkers. Maybe I'll buy a lottery ticket!

Your Friend,

Tim

Tim Friend!!! Congratulations on nearly picking the exact score - the Pants thinks that you are a prognosticating genius! Is there no limit to your talents and wily ways???

WTF is "awe and admiration?" What a stupid present! A calendar (unless it's a calendar of pictures of the Pants! LOL!) sucks too. Don't your coworkers know that money makes the world go round? I think you march into work on Friday and demand cold hard cash. If you can, get it paid in Euros and not Dollars (I don't know if you watch the news, but the Big Guy says that the U.S. economy "is a piece of crap." Oh Big Guy! You slay me!).

Also, I am NOT HAPPY about not being invited to the Super Bowl party. At first I was, but then I was watching the game at home and learned that they were going to show 3 commercials in 3-D!! Holy dog shows!!! The Pants LOVES 3-D!! Except I didn't have any of the 3-D glasses at home!! But once the Big Guy and Jessica got home, I found out that EVERYONE at the party got them. So instead of seeing amazing 3-D commercials, I instead saw blurry, poopy commercials that were like 1.5-D. Great.

Gewinner, NOBODY is allergic to the Pants! I have special fur that nobody sneezes at...it's not like I'm a retarded cat or something. I quickly called up my friend Stephen Colbert and had him update his on-notice board. Suck on this!

So Tim friend, take solace (even a "quantum" of solace if you want to...LOL!) in the fact that you at least got to see cool stuff in 3-D. Sometimes being a dog is not all it's cracked up to be.

GEWINNER, YOU ARE ON NOTICE!!!

Super Bowl!

2009-02-01T16:01:00.000-06:00

It's SUPER BOWL day!!! And you know what that means...Jessica and the Big Guy are going to a Super Bowl party and the Pants can't come. Dammit! However, it's not because Gewinner doesn't love the Pants, she's just allergic to dogs. That sucks Gewinner - dogs are fun! You need to work on your allergies - I recommend Zyrtec.

On to the Super Bowl. The Cardinals are a baseball team...why are people picking them to win a FOOTBALL game? Plus the Steelers are from Pittsburgh or, as I like to call it, TOUGHBURG!

Prediction: Steelers 27, Cardinals 20.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take a nap.

Pants' "How To" Do Crap

2009-01-30T15:54:00.000-06:00

So now that the Pants is 5 years old now, I've been thinking about what I've seen and heard, and I've learned a LOT! Just for you Reader Peeps, here are some of the things the Pants has learned in the Pants' short but eventful life:

1. The Big Guy is awesome!! Even if he does something dumb, he will quickly come back with something so awesome your brain might melt from the brilliance!! Also Jessica is actually okay too - just please don't tell her.

2. Indiana Jones and the Crystal Fetus sucked. Really, really hard. Suck the Pants' ass George Lucas!!!

3. I am very, very confused as to why NASCAR is popular. Right turns need love too.

4. Those Taco Bell commercials with the douchebags in the car are NOT FUNNY! I miss the chihuahua. Tico is available Taco B!!!

5. Austin is 20 times cooler than any other city in Texas. Period. It's also 500 times cooler than an actual turd sandwich, and 1000 times cooler than Waco.

6. I don't understand girls (or gay guys - the Pants doesnt judge! I loved Milk! LOL!) who think Robert Redford was hotter than Paul Newman. His eyes were soooooo blue, OMG!

7. Beer is gross. Wine is delicious. Greenies are heaven.

8. The greatest teams, in order, are UTEP, Notre Dame/Rice (tie), NY Giants and the Houston Astros. The worst team ever is a tie between Oklahoma and Texas A&M. They just edged out the Nazis and the Khmer Rouge.

9. Being a charter member of the Brentwood/Crestview Hood Watch is MUCH more tiring than I expected it to be!

10. Most people are stupid and don't know how to do anything correctly.

While I could expound upon all of these jewels of information, I'm going to focus on #10. People need to learn how to do things correctly!! And if the Pants doesn't take on this responsibility who will? (If anyone said Ann Coulter, I will bite their ankles. HARD! And I'll use all 7 of my teeth!)

So to start, let me explain the correct way to stalk a squirrel. Many dogs, wolverines and people rush right at them and scare them up a tree. What a common mistake!!! The Pants has been there fearless squirrel hunters, and understands your frustration. Here are the steps to catching one of those dastardly and evil squirrels:

1. Identify your enemy.

First things first, identify how many squirrels there are, and exactly WHERE they are. They are tricky and must never be trusted. NEVER TURN YOUR BACK ON A SQUIRREL! (Pretend the squirrel is Jack Bauer. Proceed accordingly.) So when you decide to stalk, identify the enemy first.

TWO EVILDOERS!!

2. Patiently stalk.

Despite wanting to do whatever you can to GET THOSE BASTARD SQUIRRELS...you must use patience. Think more along the lines of "Michael Corleone in The Godfather" rather than "Carl Weathers in Predator." Once the squirrels come down to ground level, the game has begun. When you begin your approach, quickly drop into crouching formation, kind of like a soldier crawling on his belly, or Demi Moore creeping up on Ashton Kutcher.

Nice camerawork Big Guy. It looks like I'm stalking a freaking tree.

You have to creep slowly, so as not to alert the evil, evil, evil squirrel of your intentions. Here is a better pic that puts you in the Pants' shoes!

You are MINE squirrel bastard! Just keep digging away you mindless moron...don't mind the Pants that is creeping towards you...

3. Once you are close, sprint! But heads up for acid!

You have to get close enough to make your dash for the squirrel. Sometimes the squirrel will see you and your stalking will have been for naught. However, sometimes you can catch them! When you do, be careful, because these evil animals have acid for blood! For serious!! If you peel back the skin on a squirrel this is what they look like!

Of course I'll get you another burger Oprah! Bless your heart!

So stalk away my friends, but be careful! There are few things more evil than squirrels on this earth ( "The Hills", the smarmy guy from the Sprint commercials, law schools, etc. ) but not many. I'll be back with more helpful hints soon!!

Christmas With the Catheys!!

2009-01-29T13:21:00.000-06:00

Let me first apologize for my hiatus Reader Peeps, but as I mentioned before, the Big Guy is home with the Pants all day!!! You know how happy all those millions of people were at the inauguration last week in DC...well multiply their happiness by like quadrillionteen times and that's how happy the Pants is every day!! The Big Guy takes me for 3 walks a day, plays with me AND gives me the cuddles. I mean...holy crap! AND, Jessica is at work every day. She's not even here!!!!

To quote one of my favorite movies:

"Is this heaven?"

"No, this is Austin."

PLUS, check out his new cool Big Guy beard!

He's a lumberjack and he's okay!

But enough about heaven on earth, back to Christmas 2008!! We hopped in the Prius and rolled to Spring, TX for Christmas this year, home of Grandma Marilyn, Grandpa John and Bro Person! Grandpa John quickly put me to work carving the turkey.

CUT THAT MEAT!!

Grandma Marilyn totally cooked up the spread to end all spreads! There was turkey, ham, vegetables, dressing, fruit salads and much, much more! Check out the yumminess below!! However, did I get a seat at the table?? Ummm...nope! So much for WWJD. Apparently Jesus would make you sit under the table. Awesome.

Hey Jesus, how about a ladder?

Of course, that didn't stop me from getting some scraps from everyone. Who can possibly resist this face??

Come on guys! JC would have wanted me to have some turkey!

After the feast, everyone went to church and the Pants took a serious nap. (Nothing puts me to sleep like Trypophan! Except for the new season of Grey's Anatomy.) Once they came back, we piled into the car and went to Carra's house! Carra used to be both the Big Guy's and Bro Person's high school counselor and has been a friend of the fam ever since. Also, I had met her before and she is a delight! (use your best James Lipton impression there) Four paws way up! This is her with her friend's dog at her house.

Hey Carra! I can't see you over that chia pet's head! LOL!

It was a serious party!! Here is me, the dog who yaps way too much (I forget her name. I'll call her "Hannity") and Wally. Wally is awesome!!! He's like 112 years old in dog years and has climbed mountains and run half-marathons! For serious!! But since he's so old, he can't hear or see very good and actually gets stuck in corners sometimes because he can't move backwards anymore. He's like an Aggie!! Ha! (Hey Reader Peeps, how do you confuse an Aggie? Put him in a round room and tell him to pee in a corner! LOL! Go UTEP!)

Out of the way Hannity, I want to party with my boy Wally!

Hey! Hands off Hannity! He's MY Big Guy!

The next day it was Christmas!!! Check out the awesome tree that Grandma Marilyn put up! Look at all the presents!! They were all for the Pants too!! (editor's note: no they weren't)

Full of nothing but dental grade cocaine.

I got up on the couch with Jessica to await all the presents that the Big Guy was bringing in!

Don't touch me.

I then snagged the camera and took pictures....check out the sweet camera work.

Bro Person. Sitting on his throne of lies.

Oh you two! Comedy gold yet again!! How do you do it??

Grandma Marilyn paused from writing down the presents to give the Pants some cuddles.

Discussing Southern Living with my Grandma!

All in all, it was an awesome Christmas! Thank you Cathey family for a great time and all the cuddles and belly rubs!! See you soon!!

Bliss!!

2009-01-23T18:22:00.001-06:00

Reader peeps! I must apologize for my lack of blogging, but miracle of miracles the Big Guy has stayed home with me ALL WEEK!!! Apparently he is "between jobs." I'm not sure what that means exactly, but to the Pants "between jobs" means "heaven!"

And do you want to hear something even better!!! Jessica has to go to work all day every day!!! So all day it's just me and the Big Guy WITHOUT HER!!!

However, going on walks, getting my belly rubbed and being ridiculously happy doesn't get the blogging done. So I'll be better about it...I have much to talk to you about. So brace yourself for some shocking revelations before the weekend is out!!

Spa Day!!

2009-01-14T14:17:00.000-06:00

This past Friday the Big Guy dropped me off for a totally awesome Spa Day at Groomingdales to keep me in the lifestyle I have grown accustomed to!! Every few months the Pants gets to go to Groomingdales (what a name! I mean, where do they come up with this stuff??) and get my hair trimmed, my toenails clipped and my anal glands expressed. Ooo-la-la!!

Groomingdales: Keeping Austin's Anal Glands Expressed Since 2005!

Groomingdales is totally awesome!! Not only do they help the Pants put her best face forward, but with us dogs they rub our bellies and play with us! Talk about the royal treatment!! Even better, after they give cats their stupid haircuts they throw them in the backroom and taunt them. Then they let us bark at them too!! Cats are dumb!!

This past Friday they gave me a sweet short haircut that Jessica immediately said was too short. Stupid Jessica, don't you know that in 2009 it is hip to have your summer 'do in the winter and your winter 'do in the summer?

Damn, I look good!

Now, before you say "why is Pants wearing that silly bandana" you should know that in 2009 patterned bandanas like the sweet-ass one I got are totally in!! Now if I was wearing a solid bandana I would be a tool, but with this, I'm like Sarah Jessica Parker wearing Manolo Blanhiks! (Oh SJP, I miss your puns!)

Note how the pattern drips with trendiness!

Oh Groomingdales! How much I love you!! Later on Peeps - I've got to run. Between 3 and 5 is my time to keep on eye out on the hood! Walk by the House of Payne if you dare cats and dogs!

Ask the Pants: Flirtinis!

2009-01-11T10:29:00.001-06:00

Hey peeps!! I totally got this note from my homegirl Angie in H-town:

Pants,

I have a question for you. Cafferty and I spent New Years Eve together in NOLA (and whew...we survived), but we went to the restaurant that served flirtinis. We both commented on how this was your favorite drink, but didn't know why. Where did your flirtini addiction come from? And can you give the recipe for The Pants' Flirtini???

Have a great 2009 Pants!

Angie

Happy 2009 Angie!!! Thanks for thinking of the Pants when you were in NOLA (Were you in Villanova? Land of Granola? Or New Orleans? Because if you were in New Orleans I hope you were careful! The Pants has heard that people from there will shoot you for no reason!!). Good question about the Pants' adoration of the flirtini!! The flirtini has been a longtime companion of the Pants, but the Pants has never told the story of why. Here it is, in print for the first time, for your reading pleasure:

Three years ago, The Pants was in Town Lake Animal Shelter and after my time on the streets, the Pants was looking a little rough and had lost most of my mojo. Also, the Pants was sort of shy back then so I wasn't really strutting my stuff to convince a human person to adopt me. One night, after all the human persons were gone, one of the older labs that everyone called "Big Mama" came to talk to me. She said "Pants, you need to loosen up. Chillax a little bit. (Big Mama was totally hip with the newest street talk) Big Mama is going to make you a special treat." Five minutes later she came back to my cage with two glasses filled with the most intoxicating beverage on earth. After just one of them, the Pants felt SOOOOOOOOO goood!! Like the Big Guy does after two glasses of wine! (but NOT like him after 5 glasses of wine. He is kinda annoying then.) I asked Big Mama what was this nectar of the gods called? "It's a flirtini." she replied.

That night, the Pants created the famous Pants Dance as I could not stop dancing around and around and around. I was totally hooked on flirtinis!!! Once I went to Westie Pet Rescue in Austin, I totally employed my newfound dance moves (using the occasional flirtini to help me remember) to get Jessica to adopt me. Which in and of itself isn't that cool, but then she introduced me to the Big Guy!! Rapture!!!! So flirtinis saved my life! I love them!!!

As for the Pants' secret recipe - I'll tell you how I make mine but you can adjust according to your own tastes Angie friend! However, you will need vodka, champagne and pineapple juice. I recommend the kind of champagne that has bubbles in it and the kind of pineapple juice that hasn't been sitting in the refrigerator for 3 or more years. Fresh ingredients are key!! I'm not exactly sure of how much of each to put in (I can't reach the measuring cups in the cabinet, so I just sort of wing it), but more champagne with bubbles and juice than vodka. Once it's mixed together, put sugar around the rim...the Pants LOVES sugar! Then, voila, you have your very own Flirtini!! You can add a little bit of color to it too! A cherry, a piece of pineapple, a greenie, a bone, etc. all work great!

Mmmmm. Sweet, sweet booze.

So ring me up Angie, and we'll have a flirtini night here in town!! I would come to Houston, but I can't drive a car - not that I haven't tried!! Alright, Jessica is about to get up (ugh!), so I better make myself a flirtini to get me in the right frame of mind. Later!

Covert Sabotage SUCCESSFUL!!

2009-01-05T20:46:00.000-06:00

OMG!!! It worked!!! Jessica was gone all day today, and is packing a gym bag for tomorrow!! I think I am free!!! Readers, help me pray that this behavior of staying out of the Pants' day to day business is not a fluke and will continue!!

Dog Park Sunday!

2009-01-04T19:49:00.000-06:00

Oh reader peeps! There are few things that the Pants loves more than going to the dog park (Let's see, Cafferty, the Big Guy, greenies....that's about it) and this past Sunday Jessica and the Big Guy took me there!! It was totally awesome!! Check out the sweet view of downtown Austin from the park:

It's my town bitches!!

After the Big Guy scored a rock star parking spot (a real rock star, not some poser like Dave Groehl. Seriously Dave, you were in freaking Nirvana!! The Foo Fighters suck!!) we headed to the orgy of fun that is the dog park!

Wow, check out chunksters on the right!

I was not pleased that we couldn't smuggle in our flirtini glasses and booze because of the silly park "rules" that Jessica insisted on following. One more reason why she is NOT COOL! (that and her forehead is gross!)

No glass or alcohol? WTF dog park Nazis!

After accepting the alleged "rules" of the park, the Pants started to get a sweet workout in. Jessica caught me doing a very advanced Jillian Michaels' front hop in the picture below! Be warned, do NOT try this at home! I've been doing Jillian's 30 day shred., so I was ready for it. Jillian's shred is some serious butt kicking...but check out how tight my core is!

Hey Big Guy, you TIVOed Biggest Loser right?

Once my workout was over, and my buns of steel were totally tight, I found some new dog peeps to chill with. This is me with my new pals - the big one is Walter, named after Walter Matthau! His jokes were legendary and the Pants rolling in the field and begging for more!

Hey Walter! Tell me the joke about how stupid this little dog behind me is again!!

It was not all greenies and sunshine this day though peeps, because right in the middle of the dog park - I totally met a REAL LIFE BEAR! For serious!!! It's human owner said it was a "Mastiff" but the Pants knows code lingo when the Pants hears it. For your safety readers pay attention: "Mastiff" is Austin code for "Grizzly Bear." I've always wondered how I would react in the face of a real-life bear attack!! Would I: (a) be like Stephen Colbert and slay him like a fearless warrior from times long ago; (b) be like Baxter in Anchorman and become friends; or (c) be like Jessica, cower in fear, and quickly be devoured? Turns out not only did we become fast friends, but check out Mastiff totally cowering in the Pants presence!!

No need to bow Mastiff Bear!! But I still am reporting you to Colbert's "Threatdown".

After my bear encounter, I needed to cool down a bit, so I strolled down to the banks of beautiful Town Lake (Sorry, but I'm not calling it Lady Bird Lake because it sounds totally stupid. Sorry Lady Bird! I still like your Wildflower Center!)

Oh the wet wonder that is you Town Lake!!

After carefully evaluating all the places to jump in, I totally went for a quick dip!

Michael Phelps has nothing on me yo!

Then it was onto the best time of the day!!

To quote Britney: "Ecstasy, Ecstasy, Ecstasy!!"

Of course, how quickly things can change from good to bad.

Someone please help!!! Not my owner! Help!

Then it was chillin' time!

Until we meet again dog park! Until we meet again.

Movie Review: Man on Wire

2009-01-03T22:59:00.000-06:00

After reading that my main man Roger Ebert (or "Roger the Dodger" as I call him. LYLAS Rog!) referred to this documentary as a "First Rate Thriller" the Pants was totally excited to see it!! So the Big Guy and Jessica snuggled up with me on the couch and we hit play on the DVD player (Well, technically the Big Guy did. Jessica has no idea how to work it because she's so stupid! LOL!). So apparently in 1974 this loony french guy the documentary is based on walked across a highwire strung between the twin towers of the World Trade Center 8 times!! What makes someone do this? The intrigue! The craziness! The courage!! So I did what any Pants would do, I did a running diary:

0:01 - Some french guy is talking. He is really weird. I'm kind of sleepy.

0:02 - Hard to keep eyes open....these people are dumb! Man, I am sooooooo sleepy.

0:03 - 1:45 - zzzzzzzzzzzzz

Okay, so I kinda slept through the movie and so did Jessica and the Big Guy! Move over Nyquil, here comes "Man on Wire!" It may not work as a drama, but as a sleep aid this film is top notch!!

As a movie, I give Man on Wire no paws, though I totally give the nap I took 4 paws!! It was a seriously good one!!!

To All the Peeps I've Loved Before

2009-01-03T13:31:00.000-06:00

Hey Readers! Happy 2009! Man, 2008 was a BIG year for the Pants! Thankfully, unlike Jessica and the Big Guy, I still have a job (my Waffle House (pronounced "Wafflee Hoose") franchises are doing better than ever - in case you didn't know, I own a string of Waffle Houses throughout Texas, I keep my cash in the backyard so that Jessica cannot get at it and buy things), and, unlike them, I'm a little sad to say good bye to 2008. So, as a tribute to the late, great 2008, here is a little recap of my 2008 adventures, with a special tribute to all the peeps who the Pants visited and who visited the Pants this past year!!!

2008 started out with a BANG at an awesome party at Frito Guy's house!!

Still HILARIOUS!

Then Jessica and the Big Guy took a trip to L.A. and saw Uncle Brian and Cousin Moe. I did not get to go with them. I stayed at home and watched out for the 'hood.

Thanks for the trip to L.A. bitches!

I did get to hone my babysitting skills hanging with my super cool peep LUKE FORD!! He rocks!

Um, Big Guy, can you get my toy back from him please?

Then, I got to go the Skaggs house and hang with my main man Sam and meet his little sister Jane Ann!! She is too cute!!

But her head smells weird!

Then, it was the MIGHTY TEXAS DOG WALK!! I got a little tired on the walk itself, but it was awesome to hang with MM and Sugar!!

Ignore the woman in the ND hat and the picture is much much cuter!

Because Jessica and The Big Guy got married in 2008, the Pants had a lot of visitors, both old and new!! Grandma Linda and Grandpa Jim came in for their stock the bar party and the shower thrown by the Cafferty.

STOCK THAT BAR!

I also made some new friends the weekend of the Cafferty shower, namely, the Nuge, his wife Rachel, and their little peep Jacqueline. Jacqueline is the littlest peep I've ever hung out with, and even though she seemed to think it was acceptable to pull herself up by grabbing my whiskers and received a lot more attention than the Pants would have liked, she was ok! But, she was not as awesome or fun as the NUGE!! Look at him and the Big Guy!! Hijinks!

LOL NUGE!

Grandpa John, Grandma Marilyn and Bro Person came down to check out the wedding venues!

Ok Grandpa, less reading, more petting.

Then came the greatest day ever!!!! Boating!

Oh Buoy!

Seriously readers. Get a boat!! I cannot recommend it enough! Thanks again Sunny peep!!!

We are soooo good looking!

All in all, it was a great summer!!

Cheers to you too Grandpa!!!

Then came the wedding!! Although I wasn't invited (I'm still bitter), I did get to hang with some cool peeps that weekend anyway!! The NUGE was back. And Uncle Brian and his girlfriend Sara!

Get a room you two!

And my cool Florida family, Uncle Dick, Aunt Evelyn, Cousin Kerry, Cousin Kevin, Cousin Pat, and Cousin Joan!! It was a great day!!

Hmm, where am I? I wonder??

Then, when the Big Guy and Jessica got back from their honeymoon, it was time for a kick ass fall!!!

The Irish football season not included!

My other favorite Jen, Jen Porst, came to visit and we had an awesome time!! She made a great dinner in that room Jessica is afraid of, and she brought me cookies!!

I love you!

And she taught me how to play the Wii!!

Seriously, I love you!

Election night we had a kick ass party!! Rob and I bonded!

Easy buddy, your wife is RIGHT THERE!

I also got to go to my first bar and had a heated political discussion with Troy. And Jessica got pooped on by several birds!! Bars are awesome!

I know!! Jessica got pooped on!! You were smart to wear a visor Troy!

Then, we had a visit from Jessica's friend Katie! Katie rocks and is the mom of Leo, the awesome Chicago dog who first told me about snow. Katie is so great, she could drink a beer, talk on the phone, and still pet the Pants at the same time!

It's called multi-tasking Jessica, look it up, I'm pretty sure it's a skill you listed on your resume!

Then, it was Thanksgiving time in Plano with Grandpa Jim, Grandma Linda, and Uncle Brian. Thanksgiving is a great holiday for humans as they eat and drink and eat and drink. I got to lay on the couch. Not as fun, but Uncle Brian totally entertained the Pants with his impression of Grandma!

LOL!

Next, blogger extraordinaire, and Pants lover Stara came to town for a visit! She totally loved on me and ignored Jessica!

I know, she NEVER stops talking! I feel your pain Stara!

Soon, it was almost Christmas, and the Pants began the seasonal festivities by partying at MM's house!!

Merry Christmas!

Along the way, there were many trips to the dog park, much cuddling with the Big Guy, and the continued slow wooing of the Cafferty!! I miss you 2008, but I am sure that 2009 will have many great moments for me as well! Not including this one.

Humiliation.

Happy New Year's Readers!

Happy New Year! I'm SOOOO Excited About 2009 Peeps!

2009-01-02T23:12:00.000-06:00

Who are the people in your neighborhood? I DON'T KNOW!!

2008-12-16T13:36:00.000-06:00

Ok readers, I made a very disturbing discovery the other day. Read on if you dare. Jessica actually took me for a walk the other day, and while we were out, I saw some strange creatures the likes of which the Pants has never seen!! I have no idea what these creatures are or what they want with my 'hood, but as a prominent member of the neighborhood watch, I feel it is my duty to post their picture here. I can only assume that they are terrible criminals who have invaded my 'hood to "hide out" or something. WHO KNOWS!

Crestview's most wanted

Seriously!! What ARE these things?? I got as close as I dared to see if I could identify them.

Nope, no luck here!

Let me try it from another angle.

Nope, still not sure!!

I have eliminated squirrels and the black flying birds that poop all over Jessica and the Big Guy when they go to happy hours!! So, readers, if you have a clue what these creatures are, please let the Pants know! Until I gather more information, I am just going to continue to assume that they are dangerous, and keep a watchful eye on them on behalf of my 'hood!! Thank you readers!!

I'm watching you my feathered foes, don't try A THING!

Covert Sabotage Continues!

2008-12-16T12:55:00.000-06:00

Ha ha readers!! My covert sabotage against Jessica continues with a brilliant discovery by the Pants! For a long time, the Pants has refused to lick Jessica's face, while lovingly lavishing kisses all over the Big Guy! The reason for this is simple - Jessica's face tastes DISGUSTING!!! Like Broccoli or Beer (the Pants HATES those tastes)! The discovery is, that the more over the top I get in my rejection of her face, the more upset she gets! LOL!!! So I've started turning my head away in an exaggerated fashion, and then, if the Big Guy is near by, I totally go crazy with the kisses!! It's perfect!! She gets so mad!!! LOL!! The Pants is having such a fun Christmas season!!!

Reader Observation: The Tim!

2008-12-15T11:01:00.000-06:00

Dear The Pants,

I saw the movie on Stara's blog and all the laughing! I won't stand for it! You tell Joseph he better watch his back!!! I've got two words for Joseph.....DUST BUSTER!!!!!

Your friend,Tim.

Tim friend!!! Thank you for this kind and insightful observation! I still laugh whenever I think about you scaring the Big Guy with the dustbuster - oh man! I thought he was going to pee his pants when you attacked him!! LOL!! Now THOSE were some serious highjinks you broke out that day!! The Pants will never forgive your brave defense!!

The Big Guy has never chased me with a dustbuster since then, but the new developments with the dastardly (and terrifying) tape devil are most definitely NOT COOL! So please, when we are in Houston for the Texas Bowl (Go Rice! Hoot, hoot!), will you please scare the Big Guy with a tape devil?? (just warn me before you are going to so that I can hide under a nearby bed) Also, if you don't mind, would you let Jessica live with you and Kelli so the Big Guy and the Pants can live in peace in Austin? Oh rapture!

I have partially forgiven the Big Guy for this insult because he and Jessica took me to the dog park on Town Lake yesterday! However that doesn't mean he doesn't deserve some comeuppance from the Tim Ed! Do your worst! (see you in two weeks! LYLAS!)

Pants Movie Review: Twilight

2008-12-12T13:20:00.000-06:00

Hello fair readers. The Pants has been delaying reviewing this movie as the Pants is quite embarrassed that I went to see it in the first place, but I thought it over, and it's just too good an opportunity to pass up. By reviewing this movie, I can be my sarcastic self, get in some laughs, and make fun of Jessica, all in one post!! I told you!! Too good!!!

Welcome to my dark side! (But I'm still cute!)

So, Jessica has been reading these stupid books. This is pathetic for many reasons. Mainly because Jessica is THIRTY-THREE years old!!! Yes, she is an old maid!!! I guess in that sense a book about teenage vampires who never age would be appealing, but seriously Jessica, you're getting older. Deal with it!!!

Anyway, Jessica and her girls Guilyn and Karen were going to see the Twilight movie at the Alamo Drafthouse one Friday night. I was going to stay home with the Big Guy, but he had rented a bunch of crappy "manly" movies, and the Pants wasn't interested in that. So, I figured that I would tag along with the girls. At least at the Drafthouse I could get some Flirtinis and laugh at the idiocy onscreen. Plus, Guilyn and Karen are awesome, so Jessica could be easily ignored.

So, we arrived at the theater and watched Twilight, and let me tell you readers, this movie was everything the Pants thought it would be and more! With a few Flirtinis in me, it was almost irresistibly funny! Yes, the Pants ENJOYED TWILIGHT! But not because it was any good, no, it was sooo bad it was AWESOME!!! So, read on and join the Pants in reviewing the cheesiest movie of the year, TWILIGHT!!

Oh you crazy, good-looking love struck teens!! I totally dig your angst and yearning!

Twilight is the story of Bella Swann, a really stupid, boring, and utterly uninteresting girl, who moves to Forks, Washington to live with her dad. When she gets to Forks, she attracts the attention of Edward Cullen, teenage vampire, who is very good looking, which really is his only asset. In fact, he's kind of a controlling, smug, bloodsucking asshole. Edward falls in love with Bella when he first sees/smells her. And she, in turn, falls in love with him. But Bella's blood is so irresistible to him that at first he doesn't think he can be near her. But, she is too intoxicating (seriously, she sucks, the Pants doesn't get it) that he decides to fight his urges and date Bella.

Hey sexy, I totally want to suck your blood, but let's cuddle instead!

Edward lives with his vampire family which includes his "parents" Carlisle and Esme.

Hey kids! Aren't we the sexiest vampire parents ever!

His "brothers," Emmett and Jasper, and his "sisters," Alice and Rosalie. Emmett and Rosalie are a couple, as are Jasper and Alice. Seriously, it's that stupid!! Well, the vampires are all totally cool and awesome, at least to Bella. The Pants thought they were all really silly and cheesy, but like I said, Bella is an idiot!! So, once Edward and Bella decided that they are totally in love and can't live without each other (the teen melodramatic yearning in this film is awesome and hilarious! The Pants was LOLing the entire time these two were on screen), the vampires are like "cool Edward, bring your human girlfriend over, we totally won't try to kill her!" Of course they won't, they are "good" vampires who only feed on animals. Which, the Pants found personally offensive. I'm an animal you dickheads! I should totally feed on YOU!

But I won't, cheese makes me gassy!

So, Bella starts hanging with the vampires! None of them seem to have trouble controlling their urges except Jasper, who is new to the family, and still kind of digs human blood.

Back off Scissorhands, you can't have Bella for dinner!

Bella and Edward can't really make out or anything, you know, because he lusts for her blood, and if he gets too close he might kill her.

MMMM!

So, they do other things, like hang out in trees . . .

Hee hee Bella! You totally tooted! I love your humanness!

And play vampire baseball!

I yearn for Bella, and home-runs!

While they are playing baseball, they attract the attention of three other vampires, James, Laurent, and Victoria. James totally digs Bella's scent too. (Seriously, I don't get it, this girl puts damsels in distress everywhere to shame.) So, he decides that he wants to eat Bella.

But in a sexy way.

So, the vampires take Bella and try to outrun James and his buds. Bella, of course, puts herself in needless danger, and thus puts Edward in needless danger, because she is an idiot and because it gives them both the chance to feel guilty about putting each other in needless danger. Then they can brood and stare yearningly at each other, which is all they really want to do!! To make a long story short, Bella is saved! YAY! And she and Edward go back to Forks to continue not having sex and being annoying.

There are many other fantastic things in the film that the Pants does not have time to describe, including: cheesy human teenagers, a vampire prom, Native Americans, and werewolf legends. I can't explain it all! (And I don't want to give too much away!) All in all, the Pants found this movie to be hilarious, which is probably not what the filmmakers intended, but they should be grateful that it gave the audience something, and I was left wanting more hijinks (and many more Flirtinis). The bad makeup, bad acting, brooding, and angst are too much for the Pants to resist!! (Damn you Jessica for sucking me in!) Thank goodness there are three more books, and therefore, three more movies! So, if you want a good laugh, go see Twilight. The Pants gives Twilight 3 paws!!!!

See you in the sequel suckers! Get it! Suckers!! I slay me!

The Pants is Famous!!

2008-12-09T12:59:00.000-06:00

Holy moly reader peeps!! My homegirl Stara made a post about me on her super famous and kick ass blog! Go check me out and while you're there check out her blog too for fashion tips, cute female human persons, and good old fashioned fun!

However, it is with great disquiet that I have learned that Stara made a video of my shame (i.e. running fearfully from the tape devil) and put it on her blog for all the world to see! I would be upset at her, but not only can I simply not be because Stara is awesome, but because the Pants would rather be the object of laughter than not known at all...much like Richard Simmons and Tyra Banks!

Let me know when you and your sisters want to come down to Austin and grab flirtinis with me Stara! Until then, I shall wait by the window until your triumphant return!

A Sunday Walk With the Big Guy

2008-12-08T22:31:00.001-06:00

This past Sunday, while Jessica was being lazy and hungover-y, she suggested that the Big Guy take me for a walk! Needless to say, being the relentlessly awesome Big Guy that he is, he immediately obliged! He hooked the Pants up into my sweet new Flexi 1 Classic leash and we headed off. We took a left on Goodnight and headed towards the Brentwood Park!! It is the park a few blocks from our house that is right next to Brentwood Elementary.

Brentwood Elementary: Where the Pants Goes to Party

The Pants-Eye View of the World. Note all the amazing places to pee on!

Off we went, I stopped and peed a little bit every few feet to let my dog buddies know the Pants has been stomping around the hood!

Big Guy! Give a girl some privacy! You are NOT staying classy!

We got to the edge of the park, and once again the Big Guy made me read the rules and give up the weapons I was packing.

Fine Big Guy, here are my chinese stars.

I paused soon thereafter to look for "Deaf Peds." Though I've been to the park tons of times, I've never seen one of these!! I've seen plenty of "Normal Peds", but never a deaf one.

Stop yelling Big Guy! They're deaf!

After another failed attempt to see the legendary "Deaf Peds", I started to sprint to the park, but the Big Guy couldn't keep up.

Big Guy! I have some rolling in the grass to do. LFG!

Then we arrived at the park! The Big Guy let me off my leash (even though he's not supposed to - way to live on the edge Big Guy!) and I began to explore.

Scoop it up Bitch!

This is the seat where I watch all my local ballgames from:

Two hot dogs right here!

I wandered down my most favorite path ever!

This is a pretty artsy pic Big Guy! Nice!

I stalked a squirrel, and tried to hide behind the bush - but it saw me. Squirrels, though evil and heathen, are quite intelligent and stealthy.

No Mr. Squirrel, nothing here but this bush!

After my failed squirrel hunt, the Big Guy tried to get me back on the slide of death. I was too smart for that though, no way!

The Horrifying Slide of Death! Note its terrifying curvy nature!

After narrowly escaping the slide, I checked out the rest of the park. What a glorious day it was in Austin!

Big Guy, stop taking pictures and frolic with me!

We made our way home where I ran right up to the front door of the House of Payne!

Let's go Big Guy! I need a nap pronto!

I can't wait for our next walk!

Sleep Styles

2008-12-08T12:59:00.001-06:00

As I have posted previously on what I dream about, I thought I would enlighten my reader peeps a little more regarding my sleep habits. The Pants LOVES sleeping! (So does Jessica, but while it is in my nature to sleep a lot - she does it because she is lazy, and annoying.) I do it about 75% of the time. It is wonderful. The Pants cannot express how much she enjoys a good nap! But no two naps are the same! In fact, the Pants has several different types of sleep that I would like to share with you now. Please, feel free to steal one of my sleep styles if you think it would be to your benefit. The Pants is here to help!

Sleep Style One: Just a good old fashioned nap.

Mmmm. So satisfying, and the Pants loves leather.

Sleep Style Two: Keeping a good watch on the 'hood nap.

I'm sure the 'hood will be fine if I just drift off for a moment.

Sleep Style Three: Sun induced nap.

I'm turning Japanese, I really think so!

Sleep Style Four: Absolutely exhausted from going to Taurus, Mighty Texas Dog Walking, Drinking Too Many Flirtinis nap.

No explanation needed.

Sleep Style Five: The best nap, a nap with the Big Guy!!!

Oh Big Guy!! I almost forgive you for the tape devil! You are too awesome!

A Visit From a Star-A

2008-12-07T20:51:00.000-06:00

Happy Holidays reader peeps! I have so much to tell you about!! My apologies for my inactivity but I have been getting way too caught up in the Christmas spirit!!! I have been trying to steal the Big Guy's credit card digits to order hundred of bags of greenies....er, I mean presents...yes...presents for...non-Pants' people....that I can't eat myself and to give to others. not me. others. Nevermind.

Anyways, I have been caught up in helping set up the tree (SOMEBODY has to look out the window and make sure nobody is sneaking up while Jessica and the Big Guy are occupied!) and avoiding the weird Rudolph dolls like this one below that Joseph has all over the living room. They are animated and TERRIFYING!!!

Pants! Check out my plaid sweater of death!

So I was totally unexpected for a visit from one of my favorite human persons! Stara!!! This is a pic of Stara with the Big Guy:

Watch that right hand Big Guy...you both are married!

Stara went to law school with both Jessica and the Big Guy at UT! (motto: "less sucky than Baylor Law") Also, Stara went to Paris with the Big Guy and Cafferty when they were studying in London.

Oh sweet Cafferty, when will we have OUR romantic trip to Paris?

So Stara is pretty awesome. We hung out Saturday night and she totally rubbed my belly seriously hardcore!

Pet me you famous blogger person you!! Yes, I can feel the fame!!

However, an unfortunate series of events occurred that the Big Guy is still going to pay for. Let me set the stage for you: there are Stara and I, just chillin', drinking margaritas and catching up on the latest Dallas gossip when out of nowhere the Big Guy attacks me! But not with a knife, or a gun, or even a tape of "The Hills." No reader peeps, even worse, he attacked me with a TAPE MEASURER!!! NOTHING is scarier to the Pants than a tape devil! Not the Boogeyman, not highway traffic, not fireworks...not even a Sarah Palin presidency!! I mean...look at the terror!!

Saw VI: Jigsaw measures the drapes.

So after not seeing Stara for months, I had to stop our blogging convo mid-sentence to sprint to the only place in the house that provides refuge from attacks of this kind - under the bed. To make matters worse I had to dash to safety in front of Stara right when I was trying to get sweet ass blogging tips!! Not cool Big Guy!!! Humiliation for the Pants!! There will be vengeance, and it will be swift.

Et tu Big Guy?

Sadly, Stara left after only one day, and the Pants was far too shaken up after multiple attacks with the tape devil to spend enough quality time with her. However, on the plus side, I did get Sassy Kay's digits and we have totally been texting all night long! (Facebook friend me Sassy Kay! LYLAS!!!) So despite the near heart-attack-inducing horror of Saturday night, it was a good weekend. Tell OAF friend that despite all the dirty jokes he taught me last time he was here, I totally miss him Stara! Lata!!

ROAD TRIP!!!

2008-11-26T11:34:00.000-06:00

Reader peeps!! I can't talk long because I am packing furiously, but the Big Guy and I are driving up to Plano today to spend the next four days with Grandpa Jim, Grandma Linda and kick ass Cousin Brian!! Jessica will be there too.

I'm just trying to get my mind wrapped around (at least) 4 hours in the car with the Big Guy! We will totally play the license plate game and spend some time gossiping about whatever strikes our fancy: The latest office hijinks (Happy thanksgiving MM, Jack and Sunny!); Tico's new screenplay; how awesome it's been without Jessica the last two days and how the Big Guy should take me to Rice's bowl game even though I rooted for UTEP when they played the Owls. (Forgive me Big Guy!! My heart is with UTEP! I can't change my essence!!)

Got to go pack. Have a great Thanksgiving reader peeps!! It's Plano or bust for the Pants!

The Ginger Man!!

2008-11-17T21:08:00.000-06:00

Who rocks the party? The PANTS rocks the party? I said who rocks the party? The PANTS rocks the party!!!!

I ESPECIALLY rock the party in my bad ass Notre Dame uniform!!

So like I said in my previous post reader peeps, the Big Guy and Jessica took me to a real life working human person happy hour!!! The Pants has always heard rumors of these "happy hours" and the word from Tico is that people get together to let their hair down and party hearty! Since the Big Guy has short hair, I wasn't sure what he was going to do about this hair letting down thing!! I didn't want the Big Guy to be the lamest happy hour guy ever! So at first I was nervous. This is my nervous face:

For the last time, I don't want to play Wii!!!

I got over my nerves and the Pants and Jessica piled into the Nissan land boat and cruised down Guadalupe, or "The Drag" as the local UT students, hippies and homeless peeps call it.

Hey Hippies, check out my sweet Doggles!! Hook 'em!!

We parked and rolled into the Ginger Man, which is an awesome place in downtown Austin! I got carded at the door too by the door man. It made me feel so young!!! So I totally had to flirt with the door guy then by doing my super cute dance moves, but Jess had to ruin it by saying I was 35 in dog years. Ummm....thanks Messica. (I totally just came up with that right now!! LOL!!)

The Ginger Man: Taking the Pants to funkytown since 2008.

We went to the back, and guess who was there?? My homegirl MM!! She has a new puppy named Emmett who is totally chill!!

What a duo!! Just keepin' it reals...

In fact Emmett is so chill I think he might have a weed problem. There is no way a 12 week old dog (trust me I remember being 12 weeks old - I was like Jim Carrey eating a crystal meth Fun Dip!) can be that Fonzie-cool without hitting the bong beforehand. MM, let's have an intervention!!

Emmett, if you don't stop I won't help you trade greenies for weed anymore!

So reader peeps, if you have never been to a "happy hour" I say go as fast as your land boat can take you!! Apparently a "happy hour" means you go chill at a bar with cool peeps and have some beers. It was awesome, except one problem...the Pants doesn't drink beers! I need flirtinis or a nice riesling (or a roach bait to chew) to get my buzz on! But that didn't stop the Big Guy and Jess from trying. I guess they thought I was thirsty!

A pilsner? They are soooo 2006!

The weather was great! The conversation was awesome! At one point I had to leap up on the table to drop some knowledge on T-roy and Nicole.

For the last time T-roy! Trickle down economics is a fool's plan!!

After I jumped down from the table to avoid the massive bird poopage (the Big Guy was COVERED! As always, hilarious job Big Guy!!! We are totally BFFs!) and then thought I saw Frito Guy!! But unfortunately it was just a bald guy with a weird ponytail. Still, I leapt on their table when I thought they insulted the Big Guy!

You mess with the Big Guy, you mess with the Pants and you get the paws!!!

All in all, we partied for 2 hours and headed home. What a great friday!!! In fact, I was so happy Jessica took me downtown that I snuggled with her a bit to say thanks.

Shhhhh. Don't tell anyone.

Happy Hour!!

2008-11-14T16:40:00.000-06:00

Holy Crap!!! Jessica and I are about to get in the car to go to happy hour DOWNTOWN to meet the Big Guy, MM, her new puppy and other work peeps!! The Pants gets to go downtown and booze!!

Today is the greatest day in the history of all days.

Frito Guy, Trash Parties, and Kolaches!! Oh My!!

2008-11-12T17:34:00.000-06:00

Hello again readers!! Now that Jessica is occupied solving her little lamp problem, (LOL!) I totally have time to post about my awesome trip to Houston a few weeks ago!!! As usual, it was awesome! We arrived at Frito Guy's house on Halloween. I was so excited to see Frito Guy!!! I ran around and we played together while Jessica and the Big Guy went and put on their costumes! The Big Guy went as the "Dick in a Box" guy!! HILARIOUS!! Even though it is a little outdated - the Big Guy can pull it off. Jessica went as Hannah Montana. (She watches that show, seriously readers, totally explains a lot in my opinion!) And Frito Guy, he chose the best costume of all!!! Himself!

LOL you two!! Comedy GOLD!

So, they all went out for the evening to celebrate Tim Friend's birthday, so I got cozy on my favorite chair and took a little nap!

MMM! Leather! Frito Guy is first class all the way!

I woke up from nap and to my dismay, I really had to pee. Uh oh! This was an emergency! It was getting late and no one had come home to take me out. So, I did what any dog would do, I tried to make it to the toilet. And I almost did!! Unfortunately, I had to pee on Frito Guy's bedroom floor before I could make it!

I totally peed right there!! Oops! Sorry Frito Guy!

So, as I was already going to be in trouble, I decided to capitalize on the situation and have a kick ass Houston-style Trash Party in Frito Guy's house! It was awesome!! Frito Guy has the best trash!! I ate some yummy chips, salsa, pancakes, pizza, and paper!! I distributed napkins throughout the house!! It was awesome, and sooo liberating! I almost forgot that I had peed upstairs. But then, I heard the peeps come home. Jessica was the first to notice some trash on the steps. (Of course - she's always looking to destroy a good time!) So, I ran under the table in anticipation of my scolding.

Please don't spank me Frito Guy!

But it turns out, I was worried for nothing!! Frito Guy wasn't mad about the Trash Party or the pee!! He totally laughed as he cleaned up the Trash!

Oh Pants!! You slay me with your crazy antics!

Frito Guy is so awesome, he even let me sleep in his bed!! It is so roomy, the Pants loves it!! It's also really high off the ground, so I can get my buns of steel workout in!! Yay!! I have to stay fit for the cute boys I might meet!! Then, the next morning, Frito Guy took me to the park! I forgot to bring my camera, so the following are just re-enactments!

Hey Frito Guy! I'm having so much fun at the park!! What about you?

Hey, is that Beyonce?? She's from Houston!

Boo!

After the park, Frito Guy and I went and picked up some Kolaches. We totally shared them in his living room!

Ok Frito Guy, don't bogart the kolaches!

Oh, look who finally woke up, AFTER all the fun had occurred. That's right - JESSICA!

Leave me alone!

Seriously, it was a great time! Frito Guy rocks!! I would love it if Frito Guy would run away with the Big Guy and I! I mean, he's hilarious!! And so cute!! And we could drink Flirtinis!! Who could resist this face?

After we left Frito Guy's, we went to visit the Big Guy's parents, Grandma and Grandpa Houston!! First, we stopped by Grandpa John's pharmacy! It was awesome, I got to go inside and help customers with their ailments. And Grandpa John told me how awesome I am!! (I know! But I appreciate the good vibes Grandpa!) Then we went to see Grandma Marilyn, and she totally gave me like a million Greenies!! And I got to run around the yard! It was awesome. To top it all off, Jessica slept in the backseat of the car the whole way home while the Big Guy and I listened to music, gossiped, and played the license plate game!

I totally see California! Your turn Big Guy!

Ahh, good times. Once again Houston, you have outdone yourself in making the Pants feel welcome and in providing a good time!! Too bad for you that next time we come I'm going to try to talk the Big Guy into leaving Jessica there! Better you than me Houston, better you than me!

Covert Sabotage Begins!

2008-11-12T17:30:00.001-06:00

Hey!!! So, as I totally am against Jessica now, I thought I'd start doing things to sabotage her life at home!! LOL!! So, she has this lamp on her nightstand. It's a touch lamp and has three settings. She likes to turn it on and READ!! Instead of petting me!! So, today, I totally broke the sensor!! The touch turn-on doesn't work anymore!! She has to plug it in to turn it on and unplug it to turn it off!! Good luck figuring out how to solve that problem - GENIUS!!! Tee hee!! I will keep you all posted on further acts of sabotage!

All Peace Talks are Henceforth Called OFF!

2008-11-10T15:07:00.000-06:00

Well, good afternoon readers. As you may or may not be aware, Jessica and I have been getting along better these days. We are home together all day, and I've gotten used to her lying around on the couch, eating, and getting fat ways. However, yesterday, this all ended. Jessica, the Big Guy, and I went to the park in our neighborhood. It is a small park, but it is fun. There are always a lot of young peeps running around, lots of squirrels, and lots of room to frolic for the Pants. We were running around, having a good time, when the Pants began to explore one of the "play grounds." I was sniffing around this equipment when Jessica lured me to the top of what is called a "slide." Then, to my horror, as I was sniffing the slide and checking it out, I felt a foot push my bottom, and BOOM, down the slide I went! Let me tell you readers, these "slides" are not fun! They are terrifying death rides. My paws were hurled into the air, I passed the Big Guy and was like "help me Big Guy!", but he couldn't! The slide was too fast!! I was swirled around and down until I landed with a thud and ran away.

At this point, Jessica laughed and laughed and was all, "Oh Clancy, I'm sorry, are you ok?" Well Jessica NO! I am NOT OK!! And you Madam, are most definitely NOT OK! You are a sick person who gets her jollies scaring the Pants. So, needless to say, we are no longer friends. It is once again, me and the Big Guy versus Jessica. The Big Guy is still awesome. One time, he put me on some playground equipment called a "swing"! But that was totally cool!!! I will admit that at the time I was scared shitless, but in hindsight, it was HILARIOUS! Because the Big Guy is HILARIOUS! Not evil, like Jessica! Love you Big Guy!